MY IMMUNE SYSTEM FIGHTS FIRE WITH STUPID...

      I got a considerate sickness recently. Considerate in the sense that the cold at least waited until after all the Christmas celebrations were over to manifest. It was a weak one notable mainly for its slight fever on the first day and sickly sneezes the following day.

       It was on this following day that my body decided that the best way to fight this sneezy infection was to COMPLETELY cut off my ability to breathe through my nose. While this may have helped limit the spread of my infection, it in no way helped prevent me from sneezing. Sneezing, while annoying, at least is tolerable so long as nothing obstructs the sudden outflow of air. Oh, that's right. My nose was all stubb'dubb meaning it popped my ears every time I sneezed.

       I guess I ruptured my eardrum on one of those sneezes since my hearing is noticeably worse in my right ear. Still waiting for that to heal. Good job immune system!

        My nose remained severely clogged for the next two days meaning I slept with my mouth open. I think that resulted in the normally harmless bacteria in my mouth dying off and allowing more infectious ones to take their place as I am now coughing...a lot...and in that way that suggests the early stages of bronchitis. Bronchitis is one of those fun illnesses that doesn't get soundly defeated by the body, more like it simply fades away as it is slowly overtaken.

        Way to go immune system! Your efforts to fight off a one (or two day max) cold just may have gotten me sick for the next month. You're so awesome!

LINE OF THE DAY, part IV

This is a partial quote from this article on Gawker.com by OldCrankyBroad:

There are lots of reasons why the Really Olds engage in this behavior, but mostly they are the same reasons that anyone engages in that kind of behavior: anger, frustration, fear, and a resultant need to control.

They are angry and frustrated because all opportunities in life are gone forever, and they know it. They are angry with themselves for mistakes they made in their life, and frustrated that those mistakes can never be corrected. They are angry because most of their friends and loved ones are already passed on, and frustrated that they are still here, either alone or mostly alone. They are angry and frustrated because they can no longer do what they want to do. The list goes on and on.

Furthermore, once you get to a certain age, and your health is gone, there really is nothing to look forward to but severe illness and death, which could come at literally any time. The Really Olds are therefore also very afraid, understandably so, and they many times deal with that fear of the unknown by taking strict control over what little in their life they still can control. The end result of that frustration and anger, combined with fear and a resultant need to control, is bullying. This is true whether they are bullying their caretaker, or other senior citizens.

(see the whole quote here)

How relatable...even to someone who is considerably younger than a senior citizen. I was old before I was young...

THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part V

      I had this bizarre thought the other day for a creepy explanation as to the origin of Santa Claus. Santa's an elf as are his workers. Not the Tolkien-type elf of course, just some generic one. I'm not even sure if Santa has pointy ears as they tend to be hidden in his hair and cap. Of the many problems inherent in the Santa story, what of these elves? And Mrs. Claus always felt like an afterthought or someone shoehorned in later to the story to help reconcile certain things.

      Santa is posited as a magical being so what if the whole workshop thing were more like a bee colony? The elven workers are generally portrayed as male and they can be, it's not really important but they never seem to have real families, more like master/apprentice type relationships. What if they are all of the same mold and Santa is their queen? Santa is so fat because he is full of elf eggs (or larvae) which he lays and they subsequently hatch into worker elves. These elves are incapable of reproduction like worker bees. They're born knowing what they need to do and perhaps like bees, rotate through various duties.

      Santa is generally considered immortal and he may very well be...as a concept. Santa might eventually grow old and need to be replaced. At this point, a new Santa Claus queen might be born using a version of royal jelly, but of an elven variety as well as Mrs. Claus drone. The two mate, Mrs. Claus, having fulfilled her purpose then dies. And the new Santa Claus, full of elf eggs, takes over the duties of being the queen of a new horde of elf toymakers. The old Santa either dies, is killed, or wanders off into the cold North Pole lands to succumb to the environment and the tradition continues.

       While this doesn't explain the ultimate origin of Santa Claus, it does provide a sufficiently creepy tale to tell increasingly disillusioned children, no? ^_^

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part XI (Christmas edition)

"Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney

This song gets shat on with some regularity whenever "annoying Christmas song" lists get generated. I've always loved this song. Unlike other Christmas-themed songs released in this modern age, this one feels like a genuine addition to the pantheon of Christmas songs like "Silver Bells", "Sleigh Ride", etc. It's simple, folksy-sounding, and easy to learn...all hallmarks of Christmas songs.

But I think the Pavlovian response I have to this song is what keeps it near and dear to my memory. Every Christmas Eve, we'd have the big Christmas celebration by Nan's house when all my Mom's side of the family would gather. Generally my brother and me kept away from the adults as kids and I continued doing this even as a teenager because I'm kind of a dick like that. But CBS-FM would be playing on the stereo downstairs playing holiday songs. I'd just be watching TV or whatnot with my brother, but once "Wonderful Christmastime" started playing, it suddenly felt like Christmas and that smile would appear either on my face or at the very least in my mind. I haven't had that kind of Christmas since 2000. It's been a long time. In 2001, an estranged uncle whom no one was on good terms with dropped by suddenly putting a damper on the festivities. 2002 Nan was in the hospital and 2003 she died two weeks prior. So now there's a hint of sadness of times long past in that song, but the spirit remains and for that, I'm glad.

Merry Christmas!

CHRISTMAS IS ALSO A NATIONAL HOLIDAY

      It's that time of year again for the so-called "Christmas Wars" and neither side does anything for me. I like Christmas, don't get me wrong. But where you may be getting ME wrong is in what I mean by "Christmas".

      For those of you who know me, I am irreligious. I also celebrate Christmas. Is that a contradiction? No, it isn't. It would only be a contradiction if I celebrated the Mass of Christ. I celebrate Commercial (or American) Christmas.

      Christmas is both a religious holiday and a national (Federal technically) holiday. If there's anything unfortunate about that, it's that they share the same name. They are different holidays and you can celebrate one or the other or both.

      And it is here where we meet the first of the two sides of this Christmas War debate that I can't stand: The Conflationists. The Conflationists are people who insist that commercial (or folklore) symbols like Santa Claus, flying reindeer, decorated pine trees, candy canes, giftgiving, Frosty the Snowman, stockings, glittering colored lights, etc. are somehow connected to the religious observance of the birth of Jesus Christ. They're not. They have NOTHING to do with one and other. These are usually the people who are suing their local towns and boroughs over their Christmas displays or the fact that they're even using the word Christmas saying that they're offensive to their religious beliefs or that it violates the separation of Church and State. It doesn't. Those are secular symbols of the national holiday of Christmas. If anything, you're offending me as an American by trying to get rid of such displays. Commercial Christmas is for everyone of all faiths, creeds, races, and ethnicities. The holiday's cool like that in the same way that Thanksgiving, Independence Day, and Veterans' Day is to name a few. Commercial Christmas has evolved a bit over the years but it is every part of American tradition as is Thanksgiving. We may deride it for its crass consumerism, but it is still a holiday about family and generosity to others (even if it's only reserved for people you know). The fact that "Christ" is in the name is merely a coincidence as far as I'm concerned. It would probably be more rightly referred to as "Yule" but the songs have already been written so deal with it. Commercial Christmas can be celebrated by Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Shintoists, atheists, and everyone else I've left out because it's an AMERICAN holiday. You celebrate the coming together of family and goodwill towards men as AMERICANS, not as Christians and whatnot. So, to all the Conflationists who ignorantly insist that Santa Claus is somehow Jesus in a red suit...shut the fuck up. You don't know what you're talking about and you're only hurting people with your rhetoric. Now if there's a Nativity scene or a menorah or other religious symbols in this public display, that's different and yes, on the basis of the First Amendment, such displays should be removed from public lands.

      The other side of the debate are The Shoehorners. These are religious Christians (and to a lesser extent Jews) who will offer up convoluted explanations for the commerical symbols of Christmas to show that they are in fact, religious symbols before arguing that we need to return to a purer observance one of the high holy Christian holidays. They are essentially the same as the Conflationists but are coming at the argument from a different angle. Instead of seeing two separate celebrations, they see only one and feel that the birth of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ must be a part of it (or in the case of the menorah displays, that we have to show regard for all religions or none at all). Sometimes it's really crass too. If you haven't heard the song in a while, give a listen to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". However, the Shoehorners don't bother me nearly so much as the Conflationists because at least they're not trying to take away from people's celebration of Christmas, they just want those celebrations in the public square to be of a more religious nature (and not even necessarily a wholly religious one - it sometimes really feels like a "Hey! Don't forget about me!" nature). The problem that arises from this group is that their ignorance of (and possible refusal to accept) the national version of the holiday only serves to fuel the fiery passions of the Conflationists.

      This all follows along basic historical trends. It's been pointed out many times that the birth of Christ could not possibly have happened on December 25th. The descriptions in the Bible tend to point more towards sometime in March. The truth is, we'll never know. Early Christianity was not particularly concerned with birth days. The important day was the day a saint was martyred or ascended into Heaven. Jesus's birth wasn't even celebrated early in this country. The Puritans didn't care for it and early Congresses even met on Christmas Day and thought nothing of it. The reason that the birth of Christ is celebrated when it is was not based on ignorance but rather strategy. All the old pagan religions put significance on the solstices and equinoxes. The Winter Solstice festivals were particularly important as it was a celestial bottom. The days from then on would grow longer and warmth would soon return. Now if you're a relatively new and easily persecuted religion, you don't go around celebrating your festivals on conspicuous days and conspicuous here will be defined as "you're the only ones celebrating something". No, you do it when something else is going on or you co-opt symbols in those festivals or both. For the Vernal Equinox, they were serving pastry buns already so putting a drizzle in the shape of a cross won't hurt. It's both branding and artistic. Celebrating the birth of your Lord and Savior during Saturnalia (Rome's Winter Solstice festival) helped to not make you stand out so much which is important when you're not in a favorable position with the State.

      The same thing would happen again later but this time with the commercial version. It too co-opted an existing holiday and placed their own symbols in it alongside it so as to brand itself. Considering the holiest of Christian holidays, the Resurrection has also been commercialized and symbolized with a hare bearing decorated eggs, it could very well have been business interests trying to widen their sales bases back in the day. And like with Christmas, this holiday has its Conflationists and Shoehorners too. That I honestly don't know and am truly speculating...but then, so are all my rants here: unresearched rambling :-)

      Either way, stop telling me I can't celebrate (Commercial) Christmas in schools and public squares you unAmerican douchebags!

ADDENDUM: I suppose it could also be argued that there must be two separate Christmases anyway since it is in fact a Federal holiday and has been so since 1870. If the First Amendment prohibits the Federal government from endorsing any particular religion, then the Federal holiday of Christmas must be a secular one or else it would be unConstitutional, right? That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. :-) Even though it was very likely that it was rooted in the Christian holy day, it has clearly since changed. "In God We Trust" was added to this nation's coins in 1864 for clearly religious reasons, but the motto has since been ruled to be a form of "ceremonial deism" which is considered to be not a religious endorsement by the Supreme Court. So the way I take it is that something can start off on the wrong foot in this country, it can come to mean something else, and then later not be judged for its original intent but rather by its current meaning. Therefore, American Christmas is a secular holiday which can celebrated by all.

Merry Christmas EVERYBODY °<|:-D>

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part X

"Abracadabra" by Steve Miller

Although a far cry from Steve Miller's better known compositions, I still enjoy this very '80s-sounding tune. The video fades out the music at the end which is really just more of that repetitive droning synthesizer beat. Based on some of my recent posts on this subject, you'd think I'd really be into dance music, but you'd be thinking incorrectly. :-)

WHY MUST THERE ALWAYS BE SOMETHING?

      It turns out my roommate owns a space heater. It's been cold in these here parts for the past few days and he stays up all night. Every apartment I've ever lived in goes easy on the heat, even turning it off, in the middle of the night when normal people are sleeping and won't likely notice. But my roommate doesn't sleep at night. He stays up all night watching DVDs and working on his various writing projects although I don't know if it's fair to call them projects seeing as how he is not actively seeking to have any of them commissioned. It's more like a form of masturbation I suppose in that he desires to please others with his work but in the end winds up only pleasing himself.

      There's nothing wrong with that in of itself but since it is his dream to work in the television industry writing, producing, and possibly directing...but definitely writing. However, since he is not actively employed in any capacity by that industry either paid or intern nor is he actively seeking such employment (or any form of employment for that matter - temp agencies that haven't come through in ten months don't count!), it seems kinda weird to me to boast that this is what he wants to do yet doesn't do it in even the slightest way possible.

      Before I get accused of being the pot calling the kettle black...yes, I have dabbled in the creation of a language but even at the height of my craziness, I have never once believed that it would be spoken by anyone except me. If my notes on the language DON'T immediately and matter-of-factly end up in the garbage upon my death, I will be surprised (or rather I would be if it were possible for me to feel anymore at that point :-P ). Yes, I have my eccentricities but I don't go about thinking anything will come of them: not my language, not my planetary systems, not my made-up cultures, not my BASIC programs, not my created Doom levels, not my journals, nothing. In the garbage, deleted, or forgotten...I know that's how it'll be, but they bring me joy and that's all that matters. :-)

      Anyhow, since my roommate stays up all night, not only is he asleep during the mornings and early afternoons when he could be out looking for work, he's also awake during the cool-down period. Instead of doing what normal people do and layer-up (or complain...complaining would actually be more normal thing to do than layering up), he pulls out the space heater and fires it up...on maximum of course because why test it at the lowest settings first. Sigh...so much for our electric bills going DOWN in the winter if this keeps up. That thing uses more power than the air conditioner and like the air conditioner, it is yet another appliance I get to pay for and don't get to benefit from (times like this I really wish PSE&G would show an hourly breakdown of our usage). And again, is he using the space heater in his room with a much smaller area and watching DVDs on his laptop? No! That would be sensible but instead the desk in his room bears his old desktop computer which he uses to watch porn on instead of discarding the unit. Of course, with all the shit he has on his bedroom floor because he doesn't clean his room, I guess that'd be risking a fire. A constant output of 1500 watts doesn't spin the meter too much, right? What the fuck man?

       Nope, just a toasty expansive (and doorless) living room for him. Oh, and I just realized that he doesn't close the curtains either when running the unit so he's heating the kitchen and dining room (as well as my room, the bathroom, and his). Has he no sense whatsoever? He's thirty fucking years old. I can't believe I'm actually going to have to bring this up to him like a fucking parent. I don't want to be his parent!!! At some level I don't care that he's using the space heater but then again I do given his lack of consideration and the fact that the cord to the unit was UNDERNEATH the unit...exactly where it's not supposed to be. I'm surprised I haven't found it melted to the carpet yet. Again, perspective. It could be a LOT worse...he pays what he owes although he still doesn't do his fair share of work around here. He's constantly violating the implied oral contract that he do 50% of the domestic workload (not on a daily basis, I'm talking more over the course of a month it should be 50/50). Speaking of which:

      He actually washed his dishes this morning...but only moments after I got home. I'm glad he knew enough that I do the dishes immediately upon getting home. I was fully prepared to be annoyed that I would be washing his cheese encrusted pot and plates from his taco-like meal two days ago. I ate leftovers yesterday. Not needing to cook meant I could observe those dishes over the course of days (yay..). I haven't actually surveyed what he's done. Somehow it wouldn't surprise me to go out there later and find that he didn't wash them all. He's done that before, curiously leaving pots unwashed on the stove like they're not part of the dishes. (Thank goodness for non-stick pans. I can't imagine what life was like before them) Ugh, I'm glad to know he's spending his time unemployed productively around the apartment. This all gives me hints as to what it's like to be a parent...

Yay! Two day old dirty dishes!

       And the crazy part of all this is that I still occasionally consider re-upping on this lease if my roommate actually manages to find gainful employment before it ends. I really have to keep shit like this in mind when I start thinking lazily like that. I wish I could afford this place on my own. I really like it here...

      Okay, enough bitching for today...

ADDENDUM: To be fair, the space heater thing never became an issue. Once the heat came on full force, we were actually keeping the windows open because it would get so hot in the apartment.

MAILING LIST FEATURE CLEARLY WORKS...cool

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THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part IV

      I find myself wavering lately on Digby. I don't know if this is yet another example of me being afraid of success or a bid by my mind to commit a kind of emotional seppuku. They seem equally valid possibilities given both the history of my confidence and my history with her.

      Yes, I do tend to get apprehensive when facing success (or anything new generally) and while I'm sure I've talked myself out of my fair share of things I've desired, I do know that once I get past the tipping point of potential to kinetic energy, that I find myself adapting quickly and coming to like what it is I am now doing. However, it's also true that I have asked her out more than once before. I asked Digby out, she accepted, and then (I'll be generous this time) she got cold feet and never showed.

      When confronted, she had no real answer for why she did so and would never look me in the eyes while dancing around her non-explanations. She's never told me off to my face nor has she actively discouraged me from continuing to try. The closest I ever got was an IM session where she used the "we're completely different people" thing which came across similarly to her roundabout explanations from her getting cold feet. It's strange. I would think the common advice would be to simply give up and walk away; that it's not worth it. Yet, I can't help but feel that she's afraid...not afraid of me, but afraid of...let's say life or feels that she's undeserving of happiness. She's clearly depressed and I do see the way I think when I'm down in the way she acts and reacts. I wish I weren't at work when talking to her so I could concentrate my efforts on her instead of always looking over my shoulder for any managers seeing me not at my station or simply not working. I also feel compelled to apologize to all those who have dealt with me in my down periods. I see now just how frustrating it is when seen from the other side. Thank you for being patient with me...

      Still, despite my projecting onto her sadness, I can't help but feel I'm trying to hurt myself as well. I have three examples of her rebuffing me so why exactly am I attempting a fourth? That has me puzzled as well. Am I right about her? I'm certain that the answer is yes, but what exactly is the question I'm asking? Am I right that I can get her to accept me into her life or am I right that I'm attempting to deliberately hurt myself again because I already know she will hurt me again? Never forget, despite the fact that I feel better now [read: for the time being] does not mean that I am comfortable feeling this way. I've spent the greater part of my life being used to failure in one form or another. I can't help but feel my current feeling good is more a cover for something more nefarious.

      I felt my thoughts about her wavering earlier this week. My thoughts feel like a Fun House's Hall of Mirrors where I can reflect upon my thoughts; watch them interact with each other and be distorted by the influence of my desires, intentions, concerns, and virtues. The source of the wavering felt like a gap in the mirrors and through that gap, it feels as though I can perceive in that darkness the man behind the curtain. Perhaps there is nothing there, but it is a place upon which I may project my fears and the lack of a reflection from that gap does nothing to quiet them.

      I don't know what will happen next but I can't say that I'm happy with the two choices currently available to me which are quitting her or risking another long down period from openly pursuing her. It's truly a time I wish a third option would present itself to me. I wouldn't mind a distraction from my current goal with Digby, but no one has come about in the three years and five months since I've first become attracted to her. It would be nice to come under the influence of another.

      I would take that feeling in of itself as a sign that I should simply quit her, but I can't help but feel that this feeling is also that test of faith and that I mustn't back down just yet.

--- ASSORTED THOUGHTS ---

      I can only assume that my roommate's job prospect did not pan out as he is still here keeping the couch warm and the TV from being lonely. He had a call for an interview. I can only presume that he went out for it, but was ultimately not offered the job. Oh well. At least he's been sleeping at better hours (from my perspective) so I've caught up on all my television finally but where oh where can this job be? I'm selfish and I want to pretend this apartment is mine and mine alone every day...at least for a little while.

      I've been walking taller for the past week or two now and standing up straight when not in motion, looking ahead rather than down, all in a position as recommended by Anonymous's Life Hacks: a position which in fact, does make me feel more confident for some reason. Perhaps not coincidentally, the lowest part of my back has begun to hurt since assuming these positions. How ironic that a more confident posture would yield back pain. It makes me wonder if I've been keeping my head down for more reasons than simply low self-esteem.

      I've found some old NES and SNES emulators recently that actually work rather well. Some games like Star Soldier (NES) and Bubsy in Clawed Encounters of the Furred Kind (SNES), both obscure titles, don't emulate well or at all which sucks as I learned to enjoy those games on my still functioning original systems. They make good companion pieces to MAME32, an arcade machine emulator which brings back far too many childhood memories of Showbiz Pizza. I've noticed they actually sell original NES and SNES controllers with grafted USB ports. I'm thinking of purchasing them because the keyboard is not always the best way to control certain games.

      I've made my last half dollar purchase for the year at my bank. I got one 40% silver half out of $200 in halves. I'm starting to think the 90% ones I used to find somewhat regularly until mid-2008 is an era that's passed. I won't give up but it's been frustrating. I managed to get four 90% pieces this year: two Walkers and two Franklins. Impaired proofs are some random finds that I've been enjoying. I've gotten enough to justify labelling a Whitman folder in the hopes of completing the set someday. We'll see about that provided my bank doesn't cut me off by ceasing to order half dollars for its customers.

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part IX

"Mama Used to Say" by Junior

No matter how many times I hear this song, I've always loved it. What an addictive beat!

LINE OF THE DAY, part III

Taken from this article on Mish's Global Economic Trend Analysis blog:

"When someone is honestly 55% right, that’s very good and there’s no use wrangling. And if someone is 60% right, it’s wonderful, it’s great luck, and let him thank God. But what’s to be said about 75% right? Wise people say this is suspicious. Well, and what about 100% right? Whoever say he’s 100% right is a fanatic, a thug, and the worst kind of rascal."
[preface to Nobel Prize-winning author Czeslaw Milosz's The Captive Mind]
 Also, please to be enjoying the Daily Show video within the article.

A REASON (for me) TO SMILE

      I've been feeling whole again lately. My confidence is or is nearly restored. I'm walking tall and looking ahead rather than at my feet. I feel great. I feel even greater that I'm able to be around and talk to Digby as well. I've even been able to get her to smile and laugh genuinely. It's been wonderful. I have to be with this girl. It's a shame she's so depressed. She thinks so lowly of herself. I don't know what she's going through outside of her usual daily stresses but I do understand how she feels being depressed myself. She's a kindred spirit in that regard. Digby doesn't even think she's pretty let alone beautiful as I see her. It makes me sad to know she thinks like that. It's like she has a martyr complex or something. She tells me she doesn't want anyone to "save her". I don't want to "save her": she doesn't need to be saved. I just want to be with her in good times and bad and all that other stuff.

      I've failed thrice before to get with her. I'm back and feeling like myself again and with that in mind have been slowly and subtly speaking to her and getting her comfortable with me again. I don't know when I'll "strike", but it's inevitable that I will. I've already been seeking allies. So far I have only one I can count on and The Mystic counts as my moral support. Redmom (should I just use initials at this point? It's gonna be tough keeping up after a while...even for me!) has been talking to her at my request when I'm not around (and even when I am...just not in front of me). I'm having her gather information both useful and psychological and I'm also having her hug Digby at least once a night when we're all there. Believe me, I want to do it myself but I'm still not convinced she wants me touching her. I'll have to feel her out one day soon and see how she reacts.

      When I see Digby, I'm reminded of a scene in Babylon 5 when Reverend Dexter is talking to Captain Sheridan about Delenn. Sheridan isn't comfortable talking about her yet so the Reverend tells him a story:

Rev. Dexter: You know, before I got married, Emily used to come by sometimes and help me clean out my apartment. Well, I asked her, "How come you're so eager to help clean up my place when your place is just as bad?" She said, "Because cleaning up your place helps me to forget what a mess I've made of mine, and…when I sweep my floor, all I've done is sweep my floor. But, when I help you clean up your place, I am helping you."

      That's how I feel about Digby right now. Don't get me wrong, I want her very much to dedicate her time to me but I know that that's just not possible right now. She has a lot going on...a lot on her plate; but that doesn't mean I can't help her out. Right now I would be happy knowing that I have a place in her heart and that my waiting for her will not be in vain. I've been attracted to my fair share of girls over my years, but never like this. I must not fail.

       But the whole reason for this post was actually a very simple one. Redmom takes the time to talk to Digby as I've already said. She asks Digby if she has noticed how happy I am that we are working together again. How she makes me smile. How despite her negative assessment of her looks that I either don't notice these negative things or that I instead favor the "whole package". Redmom isn't actively namedropping me. It's more like she's grooming her to the idea of me which is what I want. It's my job to actually ask her out (again). But now, thanks to Redmom, I have a reason to smile presently at Digby rather than channeling a smile by thinking of us together in the future. Redmom got Digby to admit that she finds me attractive. Oh fucking yes!!!

PRESIDENT OBAMA REALLY NEEDS TO GROW A PAIR...

      The latest round of political bullshit going around is what to do about the expiring Bush II-era tax cuts. Personally, I say let them all expire. Not just the top 2%...EVERYBODY. This country is deep as fuck in debt and there's clearly a vacuum of political will to make the hard decisions necessary to put this country's financial house in order (which would be a collection of both tax increases AND spending cuts affecting all areas of the budget including each side's sacred cows like Social Security benefits and the military). Now is not the time to extend those even-at-the-time inadvisable tax cuts...we can't afford it both financially and politically. But for now, fuck the financially part, it's the political part that's actually pissing me off...a lot.

      President Obama's proposal of extending the tax cuts another year or so for those making less than $250K a year and allowing those cuts to expire on those making more already WAS a compromise bill but the Republicans will have none of this. They want the tax cuts for everybody while not simultaneously proposing which programs would be cut to plug up the massive deficit which would result if this were to be done. The Republicans aren't offering a counterproposal...they aren't offering ANYTHING. It's their original position...period. They're like children throwing a tantrum. Either President Obama and the Democratic party does it the Republican way or no way at all. That's not compromise: That's a bullying tactic and it's sickening and the fact that President Obama is urging the Democrats to give in to this atrocious behavior provided they get an extension of unemployment benefits is just fucking sad. The President was quoted as saying (and I'm paraphrasing here) that the American people need to know that their taxes won't be going up next year.

      How about you play politics with this one? How about you point out the hypocrisy of the Republicans by going on record as saying you will veto any spending bill that isn't Pay-Go which is every new expenditure must be paid for either through a tax increase or a spending cut elsewhere¹. That way you force the Republicans to talk about how they would plug up the nearly trillion dollar deficit that would be created by extending these cuts. How about you point out that the Republicans are fighting awful hard for 2% of the country and are willing to sacrifice the other 98% to do so. I dunno. Anything, ANYTHING other than giving in.

      Personally, I say let them all expire. Our taxes and I say "our" because I cannot believe I will ever have a reader in that elusive 2% bracket will not rise that much. The news points out about $1000 a year for the "average" American. I don't make "average" wages but if I did, that's $20 a week. For me, it'd likely be $10 a week. I can swing that and I already live pretty close to the razor's edge. I hate both the Democrats and the Republicans but seriously, fuck the Republicans. I can only hope these newbie Tea Partiers recently elected will muck up the system with their misplaced idealism. I'm waiting desperately for this party to pay for its propaganda.

      President Obama really needs to call their bluff and simply refuse to go along with the Republican strategy which seems to be "fuck everyone". He really needs to grow a pair of balls. I've lost all my respect for him. Sometimes I really wonder why the Republicans hate him so much when he so readily goes along with their ideas in the name of "bipartisanship" which these days really just seems to be defined as "whatever the Republicans are doing". The President seems like the most Republican President we've ever had.

      I'm already convinced the pussy solution of "give the Republicans what they want" strategy will ultimately prevail. It's just so frustrating and depressing to endure...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

¹ not actually my idea. I read it in a comment on Gawker.com here specifically this one but I'm going with it.

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part VIII

I can't say that I'm a big fan of Jewel. She's more someone I learned to respect as an artist as I had heard more and more of her songs over the years. She debuted (for me anyway) with "Who Will Save Your Soul" which got enough radio time to become annoying. I've had enough time away from the song to like it now. My Best Friend was briefly really into "I Was Meant for You" playing it over and over again. I don't like that the radio only plays the live version of this song. The studio version has a slightly quicker tempo and is more upbeat sounding. She had a bunch of songs that fell flat with me like "Jupiter" and "Foolish Games" but I did take a liking to "Hands" and especially "Standing Still" which I personally think is her best song. Right after that album, she released 0304 which was done in a very different style. I imagine it was not well received by her fans much like Liz Phair when she worked with The Matrix songwriting team. However, despite that, I like this song. It's catchy even if it doesn't sound at all like a Jewel song.


"Intuition" by Jewel

LINE OF THE DAY II

      I'm reading the comments section for a Cracked.com article titled "Bridalplasty: The New Reality Show That Proves We're Doomed" by Daniel O'Brien and stumbled upon this gem by stueymon:

Hey I've got an idea for a great reality show!

It's called "Chance For Life"

Twelve patients with a fatal condition that could be solved with a much-needed organ transplant compete to win the affections of a convicted serial killer on death row to win his love and upon his execution, one or more of his organs.

Put simply, when they win his heart, they win his heart.

(I corrected his spelling and grammar for the purposes of clarity)

RESPONSES TO THIS POST:
(CoronaryThief) You could well be on to something there...
(i.nuthead) WIN!
(AaronRaymer) I hate the fact that I'm almost certain you could get this on the air.
(NinjaJeph) Of all the reality television out there, this is the one I would watch.
(danraynard) Awesome!

A later comment referred to this article about a television show that could never get produced called "Time Travelling Sex Offenders" which was also full of win.

ANONYMOUS ADVICE

      While 4chan is rightfully described as a hive of wretched scum and villainy with a soft side for cats, that does not mean it is incapable of moments of perfect beauty. In the sea of chaff that is /b/, I came across this diamond.

--- LIFE HACKS ---

Never, ever hide your interest in a girl. That being said, don't make it obvious.

Be manly. Don't give attention when they ask for it. Be a challenge; be mean in a fun way; don't care too much; don't give them all your time; and don't give them all your attention. Don't focus all your energy on just one girl.

If they "Friend Zone" you, stop talking to them at once.

If they cheat on you, leave them at once and never think back on it.

If you joke around too much and they get butthurt, use "I can make it up to you, I give great massages" or hug her.

Never explain yourself. Apologize ONLY when needed. Never doubt yourself, EVER.

Believe in everything, every fucking thing you ever do. Visualize and plan what you want, do it. Don't doubt yourself, ever.

Confidence will get you everything you want. Confidence works with girls, dogs, interviews, even for getting friends. Fuck, you can even use it to get away from cops. Confidence is a virtue which you MUST have. It is a fucking need.

If you want to talk to a girl, go up to her and say "Hi." If you have doubts, destroy them.

"What if she laughs at me...?" Then don't dress like a faggot, don't talk like a faggot, and don't act like someone she'll laugh at. You have a brain, use it. Plan, think, believe in your plan; act on it.

Think of what to say, don't just ask everyone. Being lazy is easy; being lazy won't get you anywhere. Don't be the person who gets everything handed to him. Be the man that gets whatever he wants.

Stand the fuck up and get what you want. Women want men; not boys with emotions. Women want men that will change the world. The world wants men that will change it.

Never ask for permission: "Do you want to...?" Always assume that they do. Change the question into an order. If they can't or don't want to, they're still going to reject you in the same way. The only difference is you came across as more assertive.

"Do you want to do something this weekend?"

                               Change it to

"I'm free this weekend. Let's hang out and have fun."

Look them in the eye when they talk to you. Don't shift between eyes...pick one and stick to it. When the topic changes or when you start talking, it's okay to break contact for a few seconds, but maintain it when you're talking. If it's something sexual, don't you fucking dare break eye contact!

Smile every now and then ever so slyly. Don't know how to make a sexy smile? Pretend you're about to fuck the shit out of her.

Always stand with your feet shoulder-length apart; hands with thumb in the pocket and the rest of the fingers pointing towards your crotch. It's sexual and confident; better than hiding your hands in your pockets or just leaving them out there awkwardly.

When you walk, walk slowly and confidently. Look people in the eye as you walk. Don't you DARE look at the ground at any time ever.

When sitting down, lean back a little; be casual and spread your legs a little more than shoulder-length. Don't cross your arms unless you want to come across as uninviting.

Laugh loudly but don't laugh at everything. Make her work for your attention.

Don't spam them with texts. Don't call them unless if it's to meet up with her. If she calls, talk to her; but if you feel the conversation dying out, end it by saying you have something to do. Lie if you have to, but be smart about it.

If she does something awkward or weird, point it out and make fun of her for it. Don't overdo it and make sure it's at least a little funny. Women laugh easily.

No sudden head movements. Move slowly and confidently. Walk as if you own the place...always. Take up space.

Touch her. When you're walking, push her jokingly. Move her using your hand on her lower back. Open doors for her; guide her away from water or gross things that she might walk in to. Always be on the "dangerous" side of the road, be it cars or sketchy people. Make her feel safe and protected.

If it's cold, give her your jacket; don't ask if she wants it. If she's shivering or says, "I'm so cold," take it off and put it on her. Don't ask; don't say anything; do it.

If you think something she said is wrong, TELL HER. Women respect men with opinions. Don't agree with everything; actually talk and discuss with her.

If they talk about their ex, give them cold body language and/or quickly try to change the topic. If it's something sad, say this: "Hey now, we're having fun. Let's not share sob stories." Be prepared to quickly talk about something else. Always have at least five backup stories in case the conversation goes stale. Leave sob stories for later in the relationship.

Don't settle for women with low standards. If you're genuinely not interested, find someone else.

Don't do the whole "FUCK FATTIES AND WORK YOUR WAY UP". No. You only deserve the best. Hotter women are easier and usually bigger sluts. It's shocking but true.

I have plenty more if anyone is interested.

Oh I am. Too bad there weren't any more to be found... I seriously want to memorize this list. I have some disagreements with some points, but I don't think I can knock the assertiveness angle and how to stand/sit. It feels right. I must stop being so meek!

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

      I'm taken aback by the lavishness of engagement rings. At some level, I find giving such ornate rings at the beginning of a fully committed relationships to be ass-backward. I say this not as someone who is cheap but as someone who grew up being told of the various gifts one traditionally receives for various wedding anniversaries. (We all remember "paper" as the first anniversary. Diamonds finally arrive at the fiftieth)

      The lesson I drew from this list was one of escalation. You start humbly and work your way up to ornateness. As your commitment grows, so does the value of your appreciation and gratitude. Shouldn't the same basic rule apply to the wedding ritual itself?

      Here's what I mean:

      The engagement is, at its heart, a promise to marry since ceremonies of this nature take time to prepare in terms of inviting guests, the setting, and the feast which will follow. At this point, the level of official commitment is nascent and the ring, I feel, should reflect this fact. For me, this would be a ring of silver. The Engagement Ring could be anything from a simple band to a hammered coin to something quite artistic-looking but it should be only silver with no set gemstones. There would even be symbolism in this. An engagement is meant to be temporary and last only so long as it takes to prepare the wedding proper. For anyone who owns or has owned silverware, they know it tarnishes in time. Yes, silver can be polished and dipped to restore its luster and such cleanings prior to a wedding could serve as reminders to hurry-the-fuck-up with the planning already.

      The Wedding Ring should be a simple band of gold. Again, it could be a plain band or one with a design to it and like the Engagement Ring, unadorned with gemstones. However, unlike the Engagement Ring, the Wedding Ring would be upgradeable to reflect a commitment of years.

      Milestone anniversaries would correspond with ring upgrades. The first one is important and after making it a year, the ring could be set with a single diamond. The fifth, tenth, twentieth, twenty-fifth, etc. anniversaries would correspond to additionally set diamonds. I guess the goal would be a diamond-encrusted ring reflecting a lifetime of commitment.

      Yes, I know. I'm weird...

IDIOTIC TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

       I just got back from doing my laundry. A couple of thoughts...

       I arrive to one of the two washers empty and the other, a (recently?) finished load. Both dryers have clothes in them (one set was moist and probably from the same person using the other washer and the other set was the same dry clothes that were in the dryer in the morning when I did the rest of my colors). Thankfully, I only needed the one washer but so began an anxious forty minutes. The whole time my load is going through its cycle, I kept wondering if and when the other launderer would show up and subsequently tie up the two dryers meaning my load would go from 1½ hours to over 2. It wouldn't be so bad if the person came back early in the cycle, it's when I'm down to less than five minutes that the anxiety really kicks in.

      I was actually trying to put a contingency plan in place in case I heard the door open. I had my quarters at the ready and was fully prepared to begin drying the unclaimed clothes in the dryer just so that I would that dryer free rather than sit through this person's dryer cycle before getting to my own. It's slightly maddening and the fact that I was doing my laundry at 4:30 in the morning does not affect this paranoia any as it cannot be ruled out that I am the only person who does his laundry at these ungodly hours.

      However, I got lucky. The launderer never returned while I was there so I got to complete my laundry in the expected time. Whew! However, I'll admit to another thought that tempts me...

      I never leave my laundry unattended. I bring a book or magazine with me and read while it's being done. I don't get the people who treat the tenants' laundry room as though it were theirs and theirs alone. Before we got our high-efficiency washers installed, some people would leave their clothes to soak overnight using a prop to keep the washer from finishing its cycle. I'll admit that I've been tempted to pour bleach into their load but never succumbed because my paranoia dictates that as I'm leaving the scene of my misdemeanor, the launderer will return and know it was me. The high-efficiency washers prevent that sort of abuse as the cycle cannot be stopped once it has started. Hurray for science! However, leaving clothes in the dryer (whether dried or not) is nothing new but here the temptation is different. I want a souvenir.

      There should be a price for leaving your clothes unattended. I have no desire to wear any of these things, I would just want something like a sock, a bra, or a pair of panties. They would be a toll paid by inattentive and selfish launderers. Fear of getting caught is minimal here. I think what keeps me from doing it is both having to answer questions from whomever figures out what I'm doing and the fact that I have yet to see even an attractive woman living in this complex. This considerably tempers any desire to perform a "panty raid". Nevertheless, I remain tempted because more times than not, there are leftover clothes whenever I go to do my wash...

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part VII

I won't be on tomorrow so it's a day early. Whatever.


"Born Under Punches" by Talking Heads

This song is the first one off Remain In Light. This album's well-known single is "Once in a Lifetime". However, the rest of it is a strange radio-unfriendly album that I quite frankly despised when I first got it. This was a time in my life before the internet and especially before YouTube so when I liked a few singles from a group, I would ask for whatever albums they had put out for Christmas. This album was initially a miss except for the aforementioned single. But eventually, it seeped into my mind. This was the first song to do so. I remember mowing the lawn for Mom that day and the chorus was stuck in my head. It was then I started realizing the beauty of this difficult album. There's still two songs that are a bit weak, but I definitely enjoy this album very much today. It's a great diversion from more poppy stuff.

HOW IT IS I CONTINUE TO RATIONALIZE MY BEHAVIOR...

      Before going to bed this morning the roommate tells me that he has a job interview later today and another one later in the week. I can only hope this pans out. The first one is a data-entry position, a typical job for him which will last for who knows how long but at least it's something that would get him out of this apartment and legitimately earning money for the first time since March. I have no idea how he came across this position. My faith in him has been reduced to the point where I cannot possibly believe this is the result of his efforts...maybe the agency he signed up with some months ago and has apparently put total faith in. He mentioned said agency as being responsible for the second interview he'll be going on later this week.

      The plus side is that I have been tempted on numerous occasions to lay into him about not looking for work. I was having one of those fantasies mere minutes before he told me of this latest development. I'm glad I didn't. How foolish I would've looked (although probably not as foolish had I done so any time over the past seven months)!

       Anyways, may this long nightmare of unemployment soon be over. I would both like the ability to watch TV at a time of my choosing, to be able to enjoy some solitude in this apartment on a regular basis, to be able to clean without him watching me and not feeling compelled to either do something himself or ask if he could be doing something, and to be able to sleep on the couch in the late Spring/Summer should it get really hot again next year. Knowing me, his continued employment will cause me to grow complacent and not want to move at the end of the lease...I will have to talk myself out of it (or at least do so quietly in the event that I am not able to afford an apartment on my own in this area).

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part VI

"Jimmy Jimmy" by Ric Ocasek

This song is off Ric Ocasek's debut solo album Beatitude. The album was described as very radio unfriendly and while I agree with that assessment, I still really like the album. It's great to hear a little experimentation from artists you like (Think of Remain in Light by Talking Heads). This was the first song on the album. I guess it was considered a single seeing as how a video had been made for it. The story of a lowlife going nowhere with his life. It's like a musical version of what depression feels like. That incessant percussive beat; lyrics which sound like a brain beating up on itself. There's a definite sense of not only a lack of purpose in the song, but of despair. It's beautiful in its hopelessness. I don't know what Mr. Ocasek meant by it but that's what I take from it. The who and the what are rarely important to me. All that matters is the how and the why.

BEGINNER'S LUCK

      The weather was permitting on Thursday morning so I gave it a go with my awkward binocular-camera setup to take a picture of Venus's waxing crescent. I don't know what magical combination of shutter speed and random focus managed to capture the planet, but I got it.

       I edited the image in post to remove as much of rainbow glare as possible. My binoculars were designed for looking at birds in daylight, not observing stars at night let alone trying to angle a point-and-shoot digital camera just right through the eyepiece to snap a picture of a planet. The lenses were not exactly ground to exacting standards so the chromatic aberration is ridiculous. I got lucky that the atmosphere wasn't yet turbulent.

a cropped version of the original image shows the rainbow effect of my shitty optics

      However, I got what I was trying to do. I tried again the next day in brighter lighting but I couldn't manage. The atmosphere was turbulent in the light of dawn and I couldn't get an image that was even a little bit focused. Beginner's luck. I've decided to quit while I'm ahead. I'll try again with the moon when it's at a better viewing angle since I can't muster much more than 30° pinning the binoculars in the window. It's a bigger and brighter target so I'm thinking it'll be easier than Venus.

      It might be time for an SLR digital camera. I need control over the focus, the ability to add a telescopic lens, and one suitable for nighttime photography. The ability to remove the infrared filter would be a bonus too.

ADDENDUM: I made an attempt at photographing the moon this way. I'll call it a success. I wanna capture it now in a lesser phase to better show the craters and mountains. In this level of lighting, the rayed crater Tycho is clearly visible as are a couple of craters along the terminator.

THE WEATHER IS COCKBLOCKING ME...

      Venus has recently emerged as the morning star again. It's at a high angle too making it easy to observe unlike its evening star descent. During those brief periods when Venus comes between us and the Sun, it becomes a thin crescent. The only other planet to do so is Mercury but that world is difficult to impossible to observe safely in the glare of the rising or setting sun. While not a particularly big deal, it is still neat to observe.

      To observe a crescent-shaped Venus requires at minimum a pair of decent binoculars, a telephoto lens, or a telescope. The last being best but my telescope is currently in storage at my mother's due to lack of space here in my apartment. I admit I'm regretting this now. I do have a pair of binoculars so I can see the planet's phase, but the optics aren't that good so there's noticeable distortion on pinpoint sources like stars and planets. I also lack a tripod for them so it's hard to keep still to look at such things. [your heartbeat really becomes apparent at high magnifications!]. I'm forced to rig a minimally acceptable tripod by gently closing my binoculars in the window. The problem with this method is that it severely limits the viewing angles I can achieve. What I'm looking for has to be nearly horizontal or at about 45°. Combine this with a now narrow field of view brought about by magnification, the timing with which I attempt to take photographs with this method is severely limited.

      On a larf, I checked to see if I could focus my camera on my binoculars and still get a clear picture. It works...sorta. The pictures I took of a nearby tree look fuzzy despite being clear to my eyes. However, I'm still eager to see if I can capture Venus in a crescent phase but my time is running out. The synodic period of that world is over 500 days. The crescent phase lasts all of a month for the evening and morning apparitions combined so time is of the essence. I'm finally home before sunrise for the first time in a week and of course it's cloudy. A week of absolute clarity when I arrive home too late to make a safe observation and today, a sky full of gray. I'm confident I'll have success photographing the moon this way, but I really want one of Venus before it moves into the more common gibbous phases which would be difficult to distinguish in the kinds of pictures my camera is capable of taking. With luck I will have success tomorrow but it's already getting close to too late for this attempt. My next one won't be until late 2012 or early 2013. Sigh...

NOT COOL...

       I've had this notation on my desk for over a month now. I was busy at the time and it slipped to the wayside. Back in October, the Mystic came to visit me at my apartment. My roommate was here as he is wont to be since he is still very dedicated to the idea that jobs come to you rather than the other way around. He has to be here 24/7 just in case the door knocks. It's a terrible burden, but damn it, he is just so certain that he will be the first in the history of the universe to have work find him. Witnessing someone's true calling is truly an awesome sight to behold. But I digress...

      Shortly after the Mystic entered my room, she remarked upon photographs of my Best Friend pointing out how beautiful she is and sweetly she comes across to which my roommate commented that while he wouldn't argue her physical beauty, he couldn't stand her personally. The Mystic inquired and he explained further.

      Uh, hello! What the fuck?!! I've told several people in my life that my Best Friend is my best friend. You don't have to like her, but you have to accept her. That's a general condition for knowing me. My best friend has been a part of my life for fifteen years...she won't be the one going anywhere if you force the issue...YOU will be.

      That being said, I don't care that my roommate doesn't like her: that's his prerogative. However, I DO care when you disrespect me. My roommate should've kept his opinions to his fucking self. He can voice them to me, he can voice them to his friends; hell, he can voice them to both me and her simultaneously, but what you don't do is speak badly about her in front of me while I'm with my friends. That's terribly disrespectful. It's equally disrespectful for him to do so in front of me while in front of his other friends (which he has done).

      It really pisses me off that he does this and yet, each time it happens, I am in a position where I cannot simply leap down his throat for it as it would make me disrespectful to my guests to fight in front of them regardless of the righteousness of the cause. And of course, by the time the situation is more appropriate to yell at him about it, the context is lost. It's lose-lose for me and my roommate is again left thinking he is a better person than he actually is.

      But then, I have an additional problem when it comes to arguing with him. He's bigger and much stronger than me and while that seems like a stupid thing to mention, I will quote this excerpt from his own online blog:

I've often stated that of all my buttons, the biggest, shiniest, jolliest, candy-like button is condescension. I have no problem with a healthy debate or people who strongly disagree with my point of view. It's your right. It takes all kinds. But you want me to punch a few teeth out of your smile? Dismiss my point of view. Talk down to me. Shut me down. Blow me off. If you have a head on your neck after that, consider yourself lottery-winning lucky. I will not be disrespected. It doesn't happen. Do I have issues? LOADS. Is that overreacting a bit? No. It's overreacting a lot. And I've made great strides in lengthening that fuse, but sorry, folks. I'm fully cooked. This hot button ain't going anywhere. So, keeping that in mind, if I were to have children, they would probably have a life expectancy of at best... thirteen.

The only other alternative would be for me to become a tyrant, to rule with fear, which would pretty much cancel out all those "not fucking up my kids" intentions. I'm not saying I wouldn't love my kids, but no amount of love can compensate for that kind of behavior. No amount of hugs and pats on the head and late night ice cream sundaes can make up for living under the unyielding terror of pissing me off, and never knowing what the trigger might be. I would wish that on no child. Ever.

      How am I supposed to react to that? Seriously... I wanted to comment on his journal when he posted that he is a horrible person for saying this. He is, in effect, saying "agree with me or else". And while he would deny such a thing, how could I feel safe arguing with him not knowing at what point my words will be interpreted as condescension, dismissal, shutting him down, or blowing him off? The last time I expressed my actual opinion of him online, I later found out he spent almost an hour yelling at his best friend about it. [this would be about him stupidly posting online his "masseur" activities including not only incriminating details for him but effectively implicating me as well since we share a household. The post has since been deleted but I do remember telling him to look up the word "discreet" in the dictionary]. His argument to his friend was that I should've told him to his face these opinions and not online. Now, while yes, we do coincidentally live together, my argument is that he posted this entry online and as such, it feels only appropriate to comment on it there...online. Had he told me this stuff to my face, then yes, I would tell him to his face. To comment on a real life discussion online would be inappropriate...don'tcha think? I know when I post things online, I want people to comment on it ONLINE. It bugs me when I'm at work and someone mentions a post of mine. Validate my online posts online please, not in real life!

      In the excerpt I quoted, my roommate was talking about why he doesn't want kids. I like how he would not want to rule over his children as a tyrant and having them live in fear of pushing his ill-defined buttons, but he apparently has no qualms about doing so with his friends and family. He's a real jackass. He seems to be living under this assumption that just because there are two different points of view, that either of them are equally valid. I'm not sorry to point out that that's not the case. Occasionally, not only is your opinion groundless, but you can also be flat wrong and at no point am I required to treat your side like it's even relevant. Oh shit! Here comes a punch to throat! My roommate is effectively saying he is a bully [all the while he decries bullying].

       I needed a few months to cool off after living with my Best Friend. I wonder how long I'll need to cool off from my current roommate? Living together was his biggest mistake as it has only caused my liking and respect for him to decline precipitously. He'll never get it back and surprisingly, that makes me sad. Living with him has been a mistake for me as well, but not as big a one as he has made living with me... I hate believing that he has been an illusory friend; that he only remained in so lofty a position because I simply rarely saw him. I've seen my Best Friend a lot and while we have fought a lot, it doesn't affect my love for her as our friendship is incredibly strong and can tolerate our occasionally turbulent emotions. We are like willow trees...deceptively strong. People around us may see a fracturing relationship, but we are as strong, if not stronger, as we have ever been. My roommate is like some mighty oak, but one whose roots have spread out through muddy soil leaving him vulnerable to a single strong storm. Sigh...

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part V

"Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang

OH WELL...

      I noticed this morning that the Laundry Girl deleted me from her friends' list. She hadn't responded to my latest message for over a week but she was still there yesterday. I wonder what it was? Was she thinking like me that I wasn't sensing that this would work? Was it one of my many fun-filled often offensive posts? I'll never know. It doesn't matter. It only matters to me that the Mystic actually came through as my first friend to try to set me up.

       The only foreseeable problem in all this is that it leaves the path clear for me to fail again with Digby. I've already been sending out feelers and talking to her more. This will end badly...again. The Laundry Girl arrived at the perfect time to distract me from this odyssey of doom and now she's gone before she could hold that attention.

      My confidence is slowly restoring itself. It's overcoming its inertia which will only set it on a path destined to end in predictable misery. I'm an idiot and yet, I take comfort knowing what will happen. Bad news and good news are equally acceptable outcomes...so long as those outcomes are certain.

TD NORTH BANK CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES

      I had an unpleasant experience at the bank the other day. TD North Bank (formerly Commerce Bank) has this coin counting machine called Penny Arcade using a cartoon mascot of the same name (who looks a bit disturbed in my opinion) which for both incarnations of this bank, offered to count up your loose change for free whether or not you're a customer. Not anymore they don't. I went in and found out that non-customers like me would now be assessed a 6% "counting fee" unless we opened an account with them. Seriously, what the fuck?!

I keep waiting for her eye to twitch

      I was always under the impression that we were doing banks a favor by bringing in change to them. That meant they didn't have to order so much for their customers meaning they're saving money when it comes to the expense of transporting those heavy, nearly valueless coins. (Remember, a quarter in the early 1960s was like $2 today and about $5 back in the 1920s. Now a quarter-dollar has the purchasing power a cent did back in the 1910s. Fuck you inflation.) I had to eat the fee the first time, but I will be opening a minimally sized account the next time I'm in.

      Now you might be wondering why it is I bring my coins there instead of my bank (which also has a coin-counting machine, free for its customers). There's two reasons. First, when I buy half dollars at my bank to search through, I take out the beat-up ones and the bicentennial ones (as well as the ones I want to keep) and give the rest out as change to my customers at work. I figure since people don't normally see half-dollars, I both don't want to risk a higher rate of rejection (currently about 2%) by giving out a shitty-looking one (this may be a false assumption but slot machines really do do a number on the coins) nor do I wish to convey that these coins were a one-year-only issue as may be implied by the bicentennial issue if it were received by someone who had never seen the coin before. Yes, that's my weirdness but the point is that I don't want to bring the half dollars I find unusable back to the bank I bought them from. Since I am actively seeking certain dates, I feel I would be hampering my ability to do so if I simply brought them back to my bank (after all, I might just get those same coins back next month). Therefore, I've been taking advantage of TD North's free coin counter to use that bank as a dumping ground for those unwanted coins.

      Second, the coin counter at my bank is slow taking a good twenty minutes to count out the over $150 in change I tend to bring in monthly. It also has trouble counting half dollars (sometimes the Penny Arcade was down when I'd come in): it can't quite get them into the proper slot for sorting. You hear them tumbling around and around until the machine finally jams up from their increasing weight. The Penny Arcade, however, practically swallows what I dump into it whole. It's fucking amazing how fast it counts!

      So now, even though I don't want to, I'll be forced to open a checking account with them for the aforementioned reasons. What it ultimately means is that I will have to cash more checks at work now to pay for my coin purchases rather than recycling the dollars like I have been all these years. I figure I'll just write checks to my primary account as the total increases in the account I don't want. It's an extra step and I'm really annoyed that I have to go through with this now. I'll adjust to the new routine, but seriously, fuck you TD North!

WALKING, RIBBONS, & CONCERTS DON'T DO SHIT

      I have to admit that I'm getting pretty damn tired of hearing about wearing pink ribbons to show support for breast cancer, walk-for-the-cure for autism, and concerts for people with AIDS. What does any of that shit do except to make the participants feel better about themselves? How about we actually start demanding these things be cured instead. That would seem to be a tad more effective don'tcha think?

      I never give to these causes. I have no idea where the money is going and the event just seems like so much mental masturbation. We are well past the point where it should be obvious to anyone that major pharmaceutical companies are not interested in finding the cures to ANY of these things: not cancer, not allergies, not autism, not this -ism or that -ism (sorry Mr. Lennon). It's long been known that there's no profit in the cure. The days of eliminating smallpox, measles, whooping cough, scarlet fever, and a whole host of other terrible diseases is over. Thank goodness for the different general mindset of previous generations otherwise we'd probably be applying cream to our skin to lessen the appearance of smallpox scars...if you survived the disease that is. Yes, I will admit that rinderpest was recently declared wiped off the planet. However, in this case, there was profit in the cure. Y'see, rinderpest was a cattle disease that has killed many of those animals over the years. Making the disease extinct means more cattle survive which in turn means more money.

      I want these diseases cured and cured permanently. I take great pride in knowing that the human race successfully eradicated its scourge, smallpox back in the 1960s and 1970s. It's amazing we have the power to do that and it gives me hope. However, you'll notice the list of mankind's accomplishments have declined precipitously in terms of cures lately and I really do believe that at the heart of it all is money...or rather the LACK of money in finding the cure. Our mistake, I believe, is relying on large pharmaceutical companies to find these cures. It seems to me that would be the job of the federal government instead.

      We seriously need a Department for the Cure of Deadly Diseases, Cancers, and Allergies...a well-funded one in fact. It should hire the best scientists and pay them better both in cash and benefits than what they would receive in the private sector and have them do nothing but find the cures to these scourges. Yes, this department would be in direct competition with BigPharma and that's the point. They have failed to perform their moral duty so now we must circumvent them. If anything, we owe it to ourselves.

      It is very much in the interests of local, state, and federal government to cure problems that cost so so much to treat. I wouldn't worry about BigPharma though, there will always be something to treat with a pill or application to fund their enterprises and nature is ever resourceful, so new problems are always just around the corner. But for now, can we please stop it with the bullshit walks, symbols, and concerts and demand that students in this country get educated in biochemistry, biophysics, and other health-related sciences and help them in doing so by offering grants to be educated thusly in exchange for doing work for the as-of-now made up Dept. for the Cure of Deadly Diseases, Cancers, and Allergies for a certain number of years. It would seem like a worthy investment...

I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT, part IV

"I Do, I Do, I Do" by ABBA. This seems to be a popular group to hate on; but seriously, they have some pretty good songs. The parts right before I do, I do, I do...I don't know what that's called in music (downshifting chords?) but I really love it whenever I hear that done in song.

GOING TO THE BANK USED TO BE FUN...

      Searching through rolls of half-dollars has been very disheartening lately...

      I remember reading years ago (2003 to be precise) about people searching rolls of half dollars and finding older silver coins that have long since vanished from general circulation. I'll still find the occasional silver dime of the Roosevelt variety (1946-1964) and more rarely, a silver Washington quarter (1932-1964) but I had never thought to go a bank and ask for rolls of the coins to do the same thing.

     I got started as both a goof and because I was curious. The people I work with would say that people don't like half-dollars but couldn't offer up any evidence of this since we don't generally give them out so I started bringing in the half dollars I didn't want and gave them out in change to general success. I get about the same rejection rate for half dollars as I do with any other coin/currency...about 2%. Sometimes the customer wants two quarters instead (often offering up a "reason" like I really need to hear one...I seriously don't give a fuck what your reason is) but then again, sometimes a customer wants two fives instead of the ten I gave them so should I conclude that customers don't want ten dollar bills either? No, so I don't take the rejection of half dollars as a referendum against the coin and because of this, I now had a venue through which I could dispose my unwanted coins.

      Yes, I COULD HAVE returned the unwanted coins to the bank, but that defeats the purpose of what I'm doing. If I give them back, odds are high that I'll re-receive coins which I have already rejected. I need to go through new ones to find out if indeed there still are silver coins among them.

      With all that set up, I started buying about $200 a month in half dollars. At first, I got nothing. Occasionally, a 40% silver Kennedy half (1965-1970); but nothing else. A few months in, I got a 1964 Kennedy (90% silver) but that seemed to be the best I could hope for. The tales of Franklin (1948-1963) and Walking Liberty (1916-1947) halves seemed to be an elusive fantasy. It took until October 2003 when I first hit paydirt. I got a Franklin Half and a Walking Liberty one. The next month, I even got a 1906-O Barber half dollar (1892-1915)! And thus it was like this most of the time until 2008: I would get between 1-3 silver halves per $200 with occasional 40% silver halves.

      2005 was my best year when I got four solid rolls of silver halves including one with mixed silvers from 1937-1963...an original undisturbed 40+ year old roll...truly fucking awesome. But by mid-2008, the supplies dried up. I went over a year before getting four more this year...but that's been it, not even 40% halves. I've been finding the occasional impaired proof, but that's it. I can't help but feel like they're all gone now from my area. It sucks...and it's discouraging.

      I know I should be happy that I'm even finding these coins at all, but it's still makes time pass slowly thinking that my next trip to the bank will be wasted too. It's also frustrating because I've managed to find over 50% of the total Franklin half series (35 date and mintmark combinations) only to have the hopes of completing the series from circulation stalled. I've even gotten a fair number of the Walking Liberty half "short set" (1941-1947)...that's stalled now too. Even the appearance of impaired proofs has stalled. This whole experience is wearing me down emotionally.

      People ask me what I want for Christmas every year. I have so little space left for new things so I suggest they go to banks in their areas doing what I've been doing. You never know what might turn up! But they never do it for me. I would love to think one of their local community banks has a few solid rolls of silver halves just waiting to be taken off their hands for face value. Sigh...

ADDENDUM: This January 2011, I got seven Franklin halves in various rolls including one new date (1949-D). I'm hoping this will be the start of a good year for roll-searching.