LINE OF THE DAY, part XLI

(from wendigo, a commenter on Cracked.com)

The spiders had been acting odd.

As far as I was concerned, everything about the damned pests was strange. This was different, though. On the first morning, day one, they started emerging from their hiding spots and abandoned their webs.

Black Widows, Orb Weavers, they all exposed themselves to any number of would-be predators.

You could barely walk through your yard without entangling yourself in the near-invisible threads they'd cast out into the breeze. It was as if a thousand tiny, inverted fishermen had dropped their hooks into the sky.

The web (of course) lit up with chatter. It was happening anywhere you'd expect to find arachnids. Within minutes, all the "Ask" sites and insect expert message boards filled up with annoyed queries.

"What are they doing?"

"Is this happening to anyone else?"

"Is this happening everywhere?!"

The true shock was still to come, as the creatures simultaneously reeled themselves UP those threads. It was an Indian Rope Trick to stupefy entomologists the world over.

The consensus at that point? Well, at least they're gone.

Then the sky began to cloud over.

Some caught on quicker than others. A few folks in my neighborhood, not necessarily ignorant folks, looked upward and determined a storm had set in. Myself, I immediately recognized the wrongness of it all.

The sunlight was being blotted out, ever so slightly, by one tremendous dome of webbing.

A plane came down over the hills near my house, its engines clogged with soft gauze and mashed spiders.

Five days in, birds started disappearing. Their songs all but ceased, and the only sign of their existence was the stray tiny, hollow bone that would drop from high above.

Dark spots could be observed with the naked eye. Using powerful binoculars or a telescope showed the viewer a myriad of small, cocooned bodies floating motionless in a lofty, darkening haze. Sparrows, Crows, Hawks, and even Bats became entangled in the grim construction.

Flights were cancelled soon after the original rash of crashes. Pilots thought they could simply break through the paltry web-work of such insignificant beings. Nearly ten thousand dead passengers and crew said otherwise.

The last plane to be cleared for take-off was the rare exception. There was a roar, a violent shrieking of engine blades, and then it just stopped.

It hung there, diagonally, until the entire thing was cocooned above our heads.

The bones that fell to the ground after that did not belong to birds.

It was after a week that "Arachnocalypse", as a term, had been officially coined. Newspapers and television networks spat the phrase out at every opportunity, and it took its rightful place alongside "Snowmageddon", and the rest.

For what it's worth, I think we could've made do, as a species, without use of the sky. Even though the haze grew thicker and our world grew darker every day, there were rain storms and natural collapses to give us small breaks in construction.

The rain, by the way, would come through cloudy and slick. I didn't want to know why.

The real problem, the one we couldn't work around as easily, was the spiders that remained on land. The jumping spiders, the hunting spiders, the tarantulas, all of those who seemed to have evolved past web-weaving.

They could produce some silk, but beyond that they were at a loss. You could almost feel sorry for them, standing tall on leaves and branches, preparing for an ascent that was never coming.

I heard stories about scorpions doing the same thing, but I never saw any proof for myself.

It was almost as if they knew. It seemed to drive them mad. When they weren't stoically waiting for their strands to take root above, they attacked and bit without any sense of reason.

I lost my pet, a loyal and loving Bulldog. She came in one night covered in clinging spiders, bites all over her body. Within moments, before I could even think of who to call (Vet? Poison hotline?) she collapsed and stopped breathing.

Daddy Longlegs... I don't even know if they were in on the plan, whatever it was. They seemed to cluster in homes, crawling over people as they slept, creating vast hordes of staring, though seemingly eyeless little horrors positioned on faces and chests.

When the things weren't engaged in frightening us to death, they would simply gather on ceilings and randomly "squat" upward as if it were some elaborate spectacle the human brain couldn't comprehend.

On the thirty-second day, when the Governments finally began working on possible solutions, everything changed yet again.

The Widowers crawled out from places unseen.

A Widower, about the size and shape of a man, seemed to have no interest in joining the growing, breeding masses in the skies. The black, armor-plated arachnid creatures only displayed one common goal.

Ensnaring us.

Daytime, as dark as it had become, was the only time it was relatively safe to go out. At night, Widowers could be all around you... in the trees, in crevices... and you'd never suspect. The last thing you'd see was the red hourglass on their abdomens.

That, and not-quite-human hands scrambling for your hair, your loose clothing, anything within reach.

Abandoned buildings were just as bad as the outdoors. I was with a group... I want to say this was about two months along... and we all took shelter in an old doll factory when it grew dark and we couldn't walk any longer.

The dismembered baby dolls, with their dark streaks of venom and plastic flesh wounds should've turned us away. Still, the webs they levitated in seemed old and abandoned. We figured the Widowers had their run of the place and long since moved on.

I didn't wake up to screaming.

It's weird to say that.

I wish I had woken up to screaming.

Instead, I lazily opened my eyes around what I assume to be Midnight. I reached out for a bottle of water, only to draw back a hand covered in burning, dark yellow venom.

I don't know if you've ever seen a bug trapped in a spider's cocoon. All they can do is silently rock. Back and forth, back and forth, bending at the middle. Sometimes there'll be a single free limb or antenna that waves around, trying to feel out any sign of help.

It's the same with people.

I'll have to live out the rest of my days remembering that sight. I'll have to live with the fact I ran away and left them there. People who had pulled me out of a burning truck. People who fed and clothed me when I had nothing.

There was nothing I could do. Logically, I know that.

The red hourglasses were already descending around me, and no matter what form it takes, an hourglass means time is running out.

My time.

Everyone's time.

CARLY McKINNEY IS A ROLE MODEL...

     I saw this post on Gawker the other day. It's about a 23 year old math teacher in Colorado who has since been put on "administrative leave" for posts made on a now defunct Twitter account showing herself in various states of PG-13 undress, calling her students jailbait, and implying drug use.

Carly McKinney : Yes, I am totally adding these images in a nakedly desperate attempt to get my stupid blog to show up and be visited via a Google Image Search

     Now I personally do not know if any of the aforementioned tweets have been made on school time. If that's the case, I can understand any suspension and whatnot as I've argued in the past.  For the sake of this opinion, I will be assuming that they were not posted during school hours or using school computers and done instead, on her own time (even though under current law, my arguments do not matter according to the NEA - all that needs to happen is for the activity to be declared disruptive to the school: a judgement I'm sure will be found in a totally fair and unbiased manner).

     Comments in these articles inevitably point to Ms. McKinney deserving to be fired for failing to be a role model. (examples from the Gawker link)

"You can be a party girl famewhore, or you can be a schoolteacher. You cannot be both."

(commenter: Dismissed)

[sarcastically] "Yeah, she should really be rewarded for showing the judgement of a 14 year old while theoretically helping teach people's kids how to get on with life. Thanks for your insightful comment."

(commenter: Paul Tatara)

"...I know it is not right, but if you work in certain jobs, you simply can not behave this way online..."

(commenter: TuMadreTanbien)

"Idiot. You can't do that shit when you're a teacher, full stop. This woman grew up breathing social media if she's anything like other millennials, so there is absolutely no reason she should think any of that is okay. If you're a teacher (or any number of other public positions), you don't post this stuff online."

(commenter: GMaMazur)

     You can search articles for comments defending her: they're not hard to find. I will be offering my own defenses,  however, and these defenses will go beyond the obvious "slut shaming" thing needing to stop as it has happened inexcusably before and will continue to happen again. Because seriously, when was the last time a man was fired for being an underwear model or in porn?
     A quick Google search yielded nothing so the slant is fairly obvious.
     The teachers linked in the two articles not only did nothing illegal, but even if it's still technically conduct "unbecoming of a teacher" (how 19th century does that sound?), their photos and videos were made prior to them even becoming teachers!
     And it is that latter concept which factors into my defense...

     Why is Carly McKinney a role model of sorts? Because she demonstrates conclusively (at least up until the point of this media gossip-storm) that perfection is not required for success in life; that yes, you can grow up and with proper education, get a professional career regardless of one's past.
      It's the idea that you can still get ahead despite one's "youthful indiscretions". It's this idea that teachers can still be people too and not have to be held to these bizarre Victorian standards of stainlessness in order to be given the authority to teach our children.

Being hot should never be a terminable offense for a woman

     Because seriously, what are supposed to tell the stoners, the delinquents, the freaks and other perpetrators of "youthful indiscretions" in high school? That they can never amount to anything because they will be barred from any and all professions regardless of later academic achievement because society will refuse to acknowledge that they can change or gasp! actually be competent despite these faults?
     What are we supposed to tell the people who have prostituted themselves, performed in pornography, supported a position publicly that is unpopular, been to prison, and others whether legal or illegal? That despite this being a Christian nation, forgiveness will never come unto them? That they will be considered fuck-ups forever with no possibility for redemption or for simply letting bygones be bygones?

     That's the way it goes right now and probably will continue to go for the foreseeable future ever since background checks became so ludicrously easy to perform. And why should it be that way? Why should this system of intolerance and bullying - and yes, it is bullying...bullying in its most insidious degree as anyone who has ever been effectively shunned will recognize - be allowed to persist?
      And I don't care if the perpetrator was too young to know better or could have known better or should have known better...it doesn't matter. This gossip whose purpose is to ruin the lives of those who are either trying to make a better one for themselves or who are able to function competently in their jobs/professions despite their vices is entirely conducive to fostering hopelessness.
     Great...you made a mistake: now you've got to pay for it forever.
     Great...you've done something perfectly legal that petty people frown upon: now you've got to pay for it forever.
     Great...there's no point in working hard to achieve: no one will ever let you.
     Great...now you can either own up to your past and fail forever or you can hide it, living in perpetual terror that it will one day resurface and be used against you.

     What a shitty system.

Once a topless model, always a topless model...because it makes sense to do that to people

     If it were in my power, I would forgive Carly McKinney, reinstating her with pay immediately and without comment for actions both real and alleged portrayed by her online while off the clock. I would openly and hostilely condemn those who have maligned her for daring to have a life outside of her profession. I would condemn them for being busybodies and gossips. I would condemn those who insist upon such irresponsibly unrealistic purity standards for which a teacher may be judged fit for teaching.
     I would forgive those like Stacie Halas and Tiffani Webb, immediately reinstating them and without comment for actions performed by them PRIOR to becoming teachers and even if they were teachers at the time, those same actions were TOTALLY FUCKING LEGAL (and in the case of Stacie Halas for certain, also performed under a pseudonym) and thus would not be subject to firing if they were doing this stuff now (though if they did it in the school, yes...another matter entirely). I would condemn those that would judge these women unfit for duty on the basis of actions performed which were unrelated to their professions. I would condemn them for their inability to move on from their past lives. I would condemn them for holding these women guilty for their non-professional conduct. I would remind them that none of those doing the condemning and shaming are themselves without sin and that if held to their own standards, all of them would almost certainly be out of work.
     There are plenty of reasons to fire a teacher (or any professional): these are not any of them.

Because this clearly happened in the classroom

     No, if these women are to be judged, they are to be judged by the quality of their work in the classroom and their conduct therein. They should be judged by their professionalism as directly related their career. If Carly McKinney does an illegal drug in the classroom (or on school grounds): fired. If Stacie Halas films or her showcases her porn scenes in the classroom: fired. If Tiffani Webb models or has students take pictures of her in lingerie in the classroom: fired.

     But if they've done, they do or if they even consider doing any of these things (and more) on their own time, tell me again why it matters?

Pictured: personal time

      We tell people that life is about making mistakes and learning from them. But increasingly society makes life for people and especially professionals just so terrifyingly unforgiving. Yes, I am most certainly dreaming the dream of the idealist...but I want to live in a world where people are judged for their skills in life and not for their past lives.

     It really would only be fair.

As it should be...

ADDENDUM: Turns out a month before I had posted this, the Huffington Post reported that Stacie Halas, the teacher who PRIOR TO BECOMING A TEACHER performed in adult films had lost her appeal to get her job back and create a legal precedent that one's past is not allowed to infringe upon their present. Remember kids, in the eyes of the law: once a fuck up, always a fuck up. No forgiveness. No hope.

No forgiveness. No hope.

AS THEY SAY, YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP...

     My Manager had some good unintentional one-liners last night. We have a man who occasionally comes in and buys much of our overstock for his community. I guess he's the buyer. I don't care what he does with it all. He arranges it all ahead of time with the Head Store Manager and I'm just the foot soldier who rings it all up...usually dozens of orders. He's polite, easy to work with, patient, and well-organized so I don't mind ringing up his orders at all. Oh, and he's an Orthodox Jew: something which normally would not be relevant to the discussion if not for the following.

     First of all, my Manager keeps calling this man "Vinny" even though his name is Ben and he continues addressing him as "Vinny" despite having been corrected several times. It's kinda cartoonish of my Manager, but I know he's not doing this maliciously: he honestly believes this is the customer's name and that is probably why it continues to amuse me so.

      The fun began later. Ben comes in on Saturday night to buy what he's buying and usually taking advantage of sales to boot. The only catch is that the sales end at midnight so I have to work quickly to get as much in as possible. This is where his organization pays off because I can get a lot more done than would normally be possible as a result. Saturday is also one of our busier nights so I'm sure my Manager doesn't like that I'm effectively off-register in order to attend to Ben. My Manager, perhaps a little flustered, asked that, in the future, Ben come in earlier or on another night entirely, suggesting Friday.

     Yeah, he actually suggested to an Orthodox Jew that he come in on a Friday night to do his bulk shopping. Believe me, it's not like you can't tell he's Orthodox. He's in the full, uh...uniform. Oy Gevalt!

     The best (of course) is saved for last. My Manager calls for Security to come to the loading bays so he can witness what's going on. While Ben is pulling his truck to the bay, he explains to Security what is going on. He tells him that "Vinny" arranges all this ahead of time with the head manager and that he buys all this stuff for his community, but that he does it in an unorthodox way. I immediately looked at Security and remarked that I'm pretty sure nothing Ben does is done in an unorthodox way.

     We shared a good laugh over that...and I hope you did too :-)

OVERTHINKING THINGS THEATER PRESENTS...

     I hope this is the first of many such entries. I can see the potential here :-)

     There's this new show out called Monsters High. I don't watch it but I've become aware of it because my store sells the dolls associated with the show. I'm guessing it's the typical tween drama stuff set in high school but they're monsters because that's popular right now. Just some creepy things I've noticed because I'm easily bored and rarely accept what I'm told at face value.

     I've wondered about their origins. They're all daughters of various famous movie monsters (like Dracula, the Werewolf, the Mummy, etc.), often with punny names like Draculaura and Frankie Stein (let your horrid curiosity get the best of you and read the rest of the names here --- also just noticed there are some boys in this school thanks to this link but my next point still applies) but the thing is, they all look the same age so it had me wondering just what the fuck (probably not a pun) happened in the lives (unlives?) of their fathers?

[TRIGGER WARNING - after the jump is a quick reference to sexual assault, albeit done with absurdity in mind; your call]

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET? (doo dah doo)

     My Best Friend the other day was telling me about a book I've heard before called The Secret and its bullshit philosophy therein. The basic idea is that good things will come to you so long as you have a positive attitude. But my words cannot do it justice, why not quote the passages (I'm lifting them from this review by the way)?

"What is The Secret? What is Rhonda Byrne’s philosophy? What is the Law of Attraction?

It’s defined many times, in many different ways, by many different people in the book. Here are a few of the more concise descriptions:

'Everything that’s coming into your life you are attracting into your life. And it’s attracted to you by virtue of the images you’re holding in your mind. It’s what you’re thinking. Whatever is going on in your mind you are attracting to you. Every thought if yours is a real thing – a force.'

'Thoughts become things!'
 

'Thoughts are magnetic, and thoughts have a frequency. As you think thoughts, they are sent out into the Universe, and they magnetically attract all like things that are on the same frequency. Everything sent out returns to the source – you.'

Got it? If you think about something, that something will be attracted to your life. Whatever is in your life is there because you caused it to be there. All the good and bad things surrounding you – your friends or loneliness, your loving or abusive relationships, your success or failure, your health or illness, your life and death – all are there because you caused them to be there. This is the 'Law of Attraction'”.
     What kind of philosophy is that? So every bad thing that has ever happened to everyone is the result of your negative thinking? You just weren't positive enough? How insulting.

     Unless your personal betterment philosophy can take into account the results of the Holocaust, you really ought to shut your fucking mouth or at the very least not suggest that the Universe gives even the slightest fuck about our existence...or suggest that this only works on the small scale when the tides of history aren't rushing in or out (and even that is bullshit, but at least slightly easier to swallow bullshit than what has been quoted above). So...those eleven to seventeen million people who were systematically and mechanically murdered by the Nazi regime were just being too negative? Holy fuck, for real? I'm sure every single one of those Jews, homosexuals, Gypsies, political dissidents, communists, and whomever else the Nazis just plain thought ought to be exterminated caused it to happen to themselves. Holy fucking fuck fuck!
    Even illnesses are apparently caused by you misapplying the Law of Attraction. They're practically reviving the pre-Germ Theory explanations for diseases. Should I have my humours checked? Perhaps my melancholy and blood are out of balance. Or perhaps I need a talisman to ward off evil spirits...

    Also, note how the "philosophy" has a ready-made excuse for your failure: if you didn't get what you wanted from the Universe, you simply weren't being positive enough. You didn't want it enough. You brought your failure upon yourself. This "philosophy" sets you up to remember your few coincidental successes and gloss over your many failed attempts. That means Winwood and Costello are in my life because I properly applied the Law of Attraction rather than it being the more likely result of if you keep trying, eventually something will stick.

     And the sad thing is these kinds of books get eaten up by the ignorant masses that comprise our public. I am not a practitioner of prayer, but the fact remains that I have more respect for whomever offered up this prayer philosophy than any charlatan preying and capitalizing on the stupid lazy people of this world looking for an easy way out to their problems.

THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part XVI

     Considering the way blacks (and really, all people of color) have been treated in this racist country for the "sin" of having been born with dark skin, I am greatly confused by white people's obsession with tanning.


     That is all. You may now return to your regularly scheduled normal life...

WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR?

      It was never a formal New Year's Resolution, more my usual organization of data being applied to a new area. I finally got around to organizing my Roth-IRA statements of the past several years and put them on a single 4-column ledger page to see the changes in valuations. What struck me was not so much the precipitous fall in the IRA's value from the Lehman Bros. collapse in Septmember 2008 to about March 2009 and another good-sized dip which occurred over a several month period last year but the fact that my IRA's financial adviser, a man who actually draws a fee for keeping this account in my name did nothing to preserve its value during this time...nothing at all. What the fuck?

      I'm not saying he should be a dictator and buy/sell the IRA's shares without telling me (though in this instance it would have made him a financial hero) but he could have called or sent an e-mail advising me (after all, he is an adviser) the benefits of moving my holdings into cash for a while, but I got nothing. And before anyone tells me that I was supposed to call my adviser to suggest this myself, might I remind you that I am paying him an annual fee to be the account's financial adviser. If I am supposed to be doing all the research and calling in to have shares sold/purchased myself...what do I need him for?

      Now, I'm not expecting miraculous timing on his part, but even some off timing would mean my Roth-IRA would have considerably more value today than it actually does.

       I have this feeling that if I were to complain, the conversation would go exactly like this one from the Simpsons when Bart employed Milhouse to be the night watchman for a run-down factory he had purchased in a police auction for a dollar. Bart leaves for the night and returns to a collapsed factory in the morning. He then exclaims to his friend:


                    Bart: Milhouse, I thought you were the night watchman!
                    Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling, then it fell down.

Grrr......

INIMANDVS IX

While I have had some good days, I have not been happy for almost thirteen years.

IT WOULDN'T HURT IF THIS MADE SENSE...

      I got a negative shock this Thanksgiving morning before going to bed. My friend, Bronx, unceremoniously deleted me as her Facebook friend. I was hurt and still am hurt because it doesn't make any sense. We've been friends for three years. I've wanted to see her more often than the one time we actually did but always had to defer because she was always crying poverty. She had to keep putting off hanging out/visiting because she had no money. The fact that she's been unemployed for as long as I've known her and who knows how long prior (except for maybe an occasional babysitting per diem) factored heavily into this and not my reluctance to take a bus into Manhattan to meet up. Hell, I've even offered to pay for her to come down and visit me but she would always refuse to accept my money. The point of me mentioning this is because the only reason I got for her tossing me to the curb was, and I quote, "We never see each other so I thought that maaybe [sic] we should stop talking. I have been looking for work and want to make friends and not have penpals."

     I don't get it. I really don't. We used to have long phone calls together and I delighted in receiving the occasional holiday card (and me, sending her some as well). She's honestly one of my favorite people and a source of joy. I don't understand this sudden change of ideology in her. There was no warning. It's not like we fought constantly or I would sabotage her happiness or simply make excuses not to hang out. The last time I talked to her was around my birthday. My Mom and stepfather were taking me to the Bronx Zoo and I invited her to come along (a cost my mother would have borne as Bronx would have been my guest) but she declined so this isn't for want of effort on my part. It took two years to finally convince her to hang out one time in Manhattan together and here I get the impression that she feels like I've been the one to keep us from being "friends" rather than "penpals".

     I sent her a polite message asking her to reconsider her position. I have not yet heard back from her. I may never hear back from her. She'll be yet another person I have built up an extensive knowledge of that I no longer have any use for. This really does wonders for my depression. It makes me wonder why I bother getting to know people and care about what they have to tell me. It all turns to ash.

     This suddenly has me thinking of an outline for a fake religion I created for an important country on a world I made up in high school. I wrote it almost ten years ago and it's eerily analogously autobiographical. The rough theme is that the Creator starts in a void that has nothing in it. For a long time, he is happy but in boredom creates the universe. He later desires to have his creations appreciated and makes three attempts to satisfy this desire, each of which fail for different reasons. The Creator, in frustration, tries to undo creation but his creations rebel. The Creator wants everything back the way it was believing he was happier before he created anything. I'd go into detail, but it's not like I thought to have it copyrighted but I really identify with that idea. It's so dangerous to want, but nevertheless ever so tempting. My life has been only rarely happy since puberty...





      I just don't get why Bronx would do this. I want to understand but I strongly feel that I never will and for once, it's not actually my fault. This just really sucks. We don't even have any mutual friends so I have no one I can talk to about this who could talk to her on my behalf. This really...I don't...I...

ADDENDUM: May as well end on something funny, but true...

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMS1kZmJmZjk2ZGQ4ZWJiY2Yy

A MAN RESPONDS...

      This profile was recommended to me by another OKCupid user. The man's answer to the WTF female profile I posted back in September? You decide :-)

      While I don't agree with everything he's saying, I feel where he is coming from...that anger.

My self-summary

I'm tired of American women, their quest for perfection and their appraising me as if I were some piece of meat, or a sperm donor with a fat wallet. I'm tired of woman in their mid- to late-thirties thinking they will find a guy their age or younger to have kids with them.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS !!! (part 2)

      After putting that (over)thinking, reasoning part of my brain into a temporary shock coma, the compulsion to respond to that profile became irresistible (-ible, not -able? Really? huh...). I did so fully expecting no response. A response is not the goal...merely some sort of proof (for myself at least) that what I had read, had truly existed. I figured one good turn deserved another so I responded thusly, and without explanation:

[for those of you who have never seen Babylon 5, the part of Abbut was originally supposed to be played by Gilbert Gottfried so read his lines in that voice - Talia can sound like any woman speaking in a professional, business-like tone - and Kosh sounds like a wise-old sage who speaks slowly and arrogantly]
------------------------------------------

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!!!

       This is an actual profile that I am still reading on OKcupid. I had to break for a moment. My brain is hurting and I have no idea if this is for real or what but holy shit!

ADDENDUM: This profile actually shut down the overthinking, insists-on-categorizing-everything part of my brain for a time. I may have actually reached a higher meditative plane...if only I had some question in need of answering - I may have found it! I may have to remember this entry whenever I am in need of a mind-cleanse :-)

My self-summary

graduated from college at the age of 12 with a double masters in molecular biology, specializing in the effects of phakopsora pachyrhizi on asian soybeans in non-indigenous continental U.S. + northern renaissance art history, but opted out of scientific endeavors or antiquarian commentary in order to open up a light bulb manufacturing company (mostly halogen) in india at 19. though after wearing lehenga cholis grew tediously uninspiring, seeing as i'd given up touring (classical pianist child prodigy) years before, sought out a PhD in neo-classical composition (particularly the ever popular silent symphonies for dogs) as well as opened up a culinary school for wayward vegan orphans.

pretty fucking dull. huh.