My coworker commented the other night that she must have killed someone in a past life in order to explain her luck and predicaments in this life.
I replied that I must've organized the massacre of a village to explain mine. Not leaving well enough alone, as well as the laugh I got from my friends, I added that I probably had the pregnant women of that village brought forth and ordered my men to cut the babies from their wombs and shown to their respective mothers before having them [the mothers] decapitated.
It got quiet for a moment; a silence I broke with me saying, "I make statements like that and wonder why girls don't want to talk to me."
I swear I'm harmless, haha.
Showing posts with label inimandvs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inimandvs. Show all posts
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
It's Digby's birthday today. It's been a little over three years since I would last see her somewhat regularly hoping for that chance and never getting it. Yeah, I still kinda miss her. I never said I wasn't pathetic...
This card is so true :-)
This card is so true :-)
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
REFLECTIONS...
Yesterday I learned that Digby has a boyfriend. I also learned that I am in no way happy for her. I never realized that I had actually hated her...
It's strange getting a glimpse of your soul. Any other of my crushes over the years, if I found out they had a boyfriend or when they announced their engagements, whatever, I was actually pleased. Yes, I wished it could've been me in a more perfect world but nevertheless I was glad to have learned they had found some happiness in life. It is what I had always wanted for them. Again, ideally they would've found that happiness with me, but in this imperfect world I'm still glad they found someone. I really am.
But not Digby...
Why the difference, I wonder? She's not the only girl to have hurt me before nor is she the first. Do I really hold such a terrible grudge because she was the last girl I could've introduced to my father before he passed? Was it because she was never straight with me? Was I really so in love that having my heart broken over such a long stretch of time would so thoroughly blacken my soul? I don't know...
Such invidiousness...
It's like having a mirror capable of reflecting my soul held up to me. I saw the darkness in my heart for the first time in quite a while. I'm ashamed... I thought I cared about her. That was painful to confront. Strangely, it may prove liberating. I've been pining for this girl since July 2007...a long time indeed...and even after not having seen her with any sense of regularity for almost three years. She's stuck with me. No one has replaced her. I'm not sure I've ever wanted a girl more. I've come to calling her The Omega as though she would be the last of her kind...that my heart could not bear to take up the burden of another infatuation.
Number Twelve briefly shone after her, but unlike Digby, she was honest with me and her potential for influence over me faded rapidly. I let her go before she became a full-blown crush. I was able to let her go and let her go easily. I've seen her with her boyfriend and how happy she is with him and I, in turn, am happy for her that she has such a man who has stood by her all these years and through the traumas she's had to endure. When the First One finally finds a man, I'm sure I'll feel a little pang of jealousy but I will ultimately be glad she has found someone she has deemed worthy of her. It is, after all, what I have wanted for her since high school.
Still, this dark jealousy might prove liberating. To see me hate her happiness and feel it so openly only shows me that I could not really have cared for her. To want to destroy this budding love between them in some perverse effort to isolate her that she may find love with only me is insanity. I can't claim feelings of love for her if I wish this upon her in any capacity.
Knowing this; having confronted this aspect of my soul, maybe I can finally let her go...
It's strange getting a glimpse of your soul. Any other of my crushes over the years, if I found out they had a boyfriend or when they announced their engagements, whatever, I was actually pleased. Yes, I wished it could've been me in a more perfect world but nevertheless I was glad to have learned they had found some happiness in life. It is what I had always wanted for them. Again, ideally they would've found that happiness with me, but in this imperfect world I'm still glad they found someone. I really am.
But not Digby...
Why the difference, I wonder? She's not the only girl to have hurt me before nor is she the first. Do I really hold such a terrible grudge because she was the last girl I could've introduced to my father before he passed? Was it because she was never straight with me? Was I really so in love that having my heart broken over such a long stretch of time would so thoroughly blacken my soul? I don't know...
Such invidiousness...
It's like having a mirror capable of reflecting my soul held up to me. I saw the darkness in my heart for the first time in quite a while. I'm ashamed... I thought I cared about her. That was painful to confront. Strangely, it may prove liberating. I've been pining for this girl since July 2007...a long time indeed...and even after not having seen her with any sense of regularity for almost three years. She's stuck with me. No one has replaced her. I'm not sure I've ever wanted a girl more. I've come to calling her The Omega as though she would be the last of her kind...that my heart could not bear to take up the burden of another infatuation.
Number Twelve briefly shone after her, but unlike Digby, she was honest with me and her potential for influence over me faded rapidly. I let her go before she became a full-blown crush. I was able to let her go and let her go easily. I've seen her with her boyfriend and how happy she is with him and I, in turn, am happy for her that she has such a man who has stood by her all these years and through the traumas she's had to endure. When the First One finally finds a man, I'm sure I'll feel a little pang of jealousy but I will ultimately be glad she has found someone she has deemed worthy of her. It is, after all, what I have wanted for her since high school.
Still, this dark jealousy might prove liberating. To see me hate her happiness and feel it so openly only shows me that I could not really have cared for her. To want to destroy this budding love between them in some perverse effort to isolate her that she may find love with only me is insanity. I can't claim feelings of love for her if I wish this upon her in any capacity.
Knowing this; having confronted this aspect of my soul, maybe I can finally let her go...
Saturday, March 31, 2012
INIMANDVS X
Are there any women out there who actually date men? I think every woman I've talked to this century has only ever wanted to date cars and/or certain types of jobs. The man part seems incidental, if anything.
I was talking to this girl on Plenty of Fish. She appeared out of nowhere, but unlike every other girl who's done so on that site, I was actually interested immediately upon reading her profile. Things progressed quickly and determinedly, just as I would prefer - fast enough to keep me from friendzoning her (I feel I should share here that my confidence is non-existent. It's been eroded away over the years unsurprisingly by the 100% rejection rate I have suffered this century so even a hint of doubt or delay on the girl's part and I'll defensively and emotionally distance myself from her in a perverse form of protection. The only exception comes from crushes whom as past entries in this series can attest, I will suffer any indignity and hardship in the pursuit of my goal) and not so fast that I couldn't keep up - it was great. We were quickly texting one and other and a date was actually set up for this coming Monday. Perfect. Curse over...finally. But then I made the mistake of looking forward to it and wouldn't you know, yesterday these doubts about my night job and lack of a car (which I am willing to work around and by work around, I don't mean "she can drive me places" - I'm willing to put the effort in and since I know being with me would be initially difficult, I'm willing to put in the extra sacrifice as well to cover for my shortcomings - But to no avail) crept up into the conversation and after airing her reservations, cancelled the date so as of now, I am still unstuck in time...it is still September 1991 for the part of my mind that undoubtedly houses my confidence. Even the Langoliers have forgotten about me...
To be perfectly misogynistic for a moment, this is one of those times where I truly feel the average man is superior to the average woman. Speaking for me personally, I don't care if the woman I like lives at home or lives on her own (with or without roommates); I don't care if she has a car or, like me, never learned to drive; and I certainly don't care what kind of job she has or even if she has one. Bronx was all three of these things (lived at home, couldn't drive, and had no job) but I would've been totally willing to date her if she felt the same way about me. Would it have been difficult? Hell yes, but it's something I want so I'm willing to sacrifice and attempt to overcome the adversity because the reward is so great. The only thing I require of a woman is that I be physically attracted to her but I don't think that is too much to ask since I would want the girl I'm with to be attracted to me as well.
Back to the drawing board...again...and a little weaker to show for it.
I was talking to this girl on Plenty of Fish. She appeared out of nowhere, but unlike every other girl who's done so on that site, I was actually interested immediately upon reading her profile. Things progressed quickly and determinedly, just as I would prefer - fast enough to keep me from friendzoning her (I feel I should share here that my confidence is non-existent. It's been eroded away over the years unsurprisingly by the 100% rejection rate I have suffered this century so even a hint of doubt or delay on the girl's part and I'll defensively and emotionally distance myself from her in a perverse form of protection. The only exception comes from crushes whom as past entries in this series can attest, I will suffer any indignity and hardship in the pursuit of my goal) and not so fast that I couldn't keep up - it was great. We were quickly texting one and other and a date was actually set up for this coming Monday. Perfect. Curse over...finally. But then I made the mistake of looking forward to it and wouldn't you know, yesterday these doubts about my night job and lack of a car (which I am willing to work around and by work around, I don't mean "she can drive me places" - I'm willing to put the effort in and since I know being with me would be initially difficult, I'm willing to put in the extra sacrifice as well to cover for my shortcomings - But to no avail) crept up into the conversation and after airing her reservations, cancelled the date so as of now, I am still unstuck in time...it is still September 1991 for the part of my mind that undoubtedly houses my confidence. Even the Langoliers have forgotten about me...
To be perfectly misogynistic for a moment, this is one of those times where I truly feel the average man is superior to the average woman. Speaking for me personally, I don't care if the woman I like lives at home or lives on her own (with or without roommates); I don't care if she has a car or, like me, never learned to drive; and I certainly don't care what kind of job she has or even if she has one. Bronx was all three of these things (lived at home, couldn't drive, and had no job) but I would've been totally willing to date her if she felt the same way about me. Would it have been difficult? Hell yes, but it's something I want so I'm willing to sacrifice and attempt to overcome the adversity because the reward is so great. The only thing I require of a woman is that I be physically attracted to her but I don't think that is too much to ask since I would want the girl I'm with to be attracted to me as well.
Back to the drawing board...again...and a little weaker to show for it.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
IT WOULDN'T HURT IF THIS MADE SENSE...
I got a negative shock this Thanksgiving morning before going to bed. My friend, Bronx, unceremoniously deleted me as her Facebook friend. I was hurt and still am hurt because it doesn't make any sense. We've been friends for three years. I've wanted to see her more often than the one time we actually did but always had to defer because she was always crying poverty. She had to keep putting off hanging out/visiting because she had no money. The fact that she's been unemployed for as long as I've known her and who knows how long prior (except for maybe an occasional babysitting per diem) factored heavily into this and not my reluctance to take a bus into Manhattan to meet up. Hell, I've even offered to pay for her to come down and visit me but she would always refuse to accept my money. The point of me mentioning this is because the only reason I got for her tossing me to the curb was, and I quote, "We never see each other so I thought that maaybe [sic] we should stop talking. I have been looking for work and want to make friends and not have penpals."
I don't get it. I really don't. We used to have long phone calls together and I delighted in receiving the occasional holiday card (and me, sending her some as well). She's honestly one of my favorite people and a source of joy. I don't understand this sudden change of ideology in her. There was no warning. It's not like we fought constantly or I would sabotage her happiness or simply make excuses not to hang out. The last time I talked to her was around my birthday. My Mom and stepfather were taking me to the Bronx Zoo and I invited her to come along (a cost my mother would have borne as Bronx would have been my guest) but she declined so this isn't for want of effort on my part. It took two years to finally convince her to hang out one time in Manhattan together and here I get the impression that she feels like I've been the one to keep us from being "friends" rather than "penpals".
I sent her a polite message asking her to reconsider her position. I have not yet heard back from her. I may never hear back from her. She'll be yet another person I have built up an extensive knowledge of that I no longer have any use for. This really does wonders for my depression. It makes me wonder why I bother getting to know people and care about what they have to tell me. It all turns to ash.
This suddenly has me thinking of an outline for a fake religion I created for an important country on a world I made up in high school. I wrote it almost ten years ago and it's eerily analogously autobiographical. The rough theme is that the Creator starts in a void that has nothing in it. For a long time, he is happy but in boredom creates the universe. He later desires to have his creations appreciated and makes three attempts to satisfy this desire, each of which fail for different reasons. The Creator, in frustration, tries to undo creation but his creations rebel. The Creator wants everything back the way it was believing he was happier before he created anything. I'd go into detail, but it's not like I thought to have it copyrighted but I really identify with that idea. It's so dangerous to want, but nevertheless ever so tempting. My life has been only rarely happy since puberty...
I just don't get why Bronx would do this. I want to understand but I strongly feel that I never will and for once, it's not actually my fault. This just really sucks. We don't even have any mutual friends so I have no one I can talk to about this who could talk to her on my behalf. This really...I don't...I...
ADDENDUM: May as well end on something funny, but true...
I don't get it. I really don't. We used to have long phone calls together and I delighted in receiving the occasional holiday card (and me, sending her some as well). She's honestly one of my favorite people and a source of joy. I don't understand this sudden change of ideology in her. There was no warning. It's not like we fought constantly or I would sabotage her happiness or simply make excuses not to hang out. The last time I talked to her was around my birthday. My Mom and stepfather were taking me to the Bronx Zoo and I invited her to come along (a cost my mother would have borne as Bronx would have been my guest) but she declined so this isn't for want of effort on my part. It took two years to finally convince her to hang out one time in Manhattan together and here I get the impression that she feels like I've been the one to keep us from being "friends" rather than "penpals".
I sent her a polite message asking her to reconsider her position. I have not yet heard back from her. I may never hear back from her. She'll be yet another person I have built up an extensive knowledge of that I no longer have any use for. This really does wonders for my depression. It makes me wonder why I bother getting to know people and care about what they have to tell me. It all turns to ash.
This suddenly has me thinking of an outline for a fake religion I created for an important country on a world I made up in high school. I wrote it almost ten years ago and it's eerily analogously autobiographical. The rough theme is that the Creator starts in a void that has nothing in it. For a long time, he is happy but in boredom creates the universe. He later desires to have his creations appreciated and makes three attempts to satisfy this desire, each of which fail for different reasons. The Creator, in frustration, tries to undo creation but his creations rebel. The Creator wants everything back the way it was believing he was happier before he created anything. I'd go into detail, but it's not like I thought to have it copyrighted but I really identify with that idea. It's so dangerous to want, but nevertheless ever so tempting. My life has been only rarely happy since puberty...
I just don't get why Bronx would do this. I want to understand but I strongly feel that I never will and for once, it's not actually my fault. This just really sucks. We don't even have any mutual friends so I have no one I can talk to about this who could talk to her on my behalf. This really...I don't...I...
ADDENDUM: May as well end on something funny, but true...
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| http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMS1kZmJmZjk2ZGQ4ZWJiY2Yy |
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
ODDS & ENDS
I have a growing pile of discarded Facebook status updates that are no longer postable as the time for them has passed or they weren't funny enough or because I try to only post one depressing status update when I'm sad rather than like ten in-a-row over the course of a day so I don't worry my friends both real and Facebook-only.
Here goes...
Here goes...
Friday, July 8, 2011
SINCE YOU DIDN'T ASK...
I am not a nice guy. I am a loser. Superficially the two types can appear similar, but there's a difference. Whereas nice guys will ultimately be settled upon by women who once sought, but have come to realize they will not be able to get, winners, losers can only hope for pity and in my experience, pity is rare...happening about once a decade.
I reupped on my pity this year, back in March, so I guess that means I will be due for another shot of it sometime around 2021...
I reupped on my pity this year, back in March, so I guess that means I will be due for another shot of it sometime around 2021...
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Z'HA'DUM
I want to see her again and by her, I mean the First One. I know I will likely never see her again in life nor do I hold any belief that she and I could actually ever have something together, but I want to see her again. This always happens. Every time I am set back by one of my crushes, she comes to mind. She's a home of sorts. A place to return to when my delusions of love have again been crapped upon. It's some perverse gesture of respect I suppose. I wish to return to the one who got this crazy train of desire rolling. The one for whom I created a coded alphabet for so I could write about her in front of everyone and have no one know. The one for whom I created a spoken language so even my thoughts of her could remain unknown to those listening in. The one who is the standard candle by which I measure attraction and desirability. The most beautiful of them all. The one I have not seen in over fifteen years...she still lives on within me. The crush itself is asleep: it awaits her return. All the other crushes have died, currently except for Digby...or are on life support like Rabbit and my other college crush. But hers remains like some spellbound dragon. Digby will one day join her...eventually...after fighting tooth and nail. That crush too, will become frozen in time.
I wish the First One had a Facebook account. She has an unused MySpace account that was cast adrift the day she signed up for it. No pictures were ever posted. The last images I have of her are from my video yearbook. But I did hear the Mystic tell me that she has seen her; that she once had a Facebook account; that people she knows are friends of hers. I admit I am strongly tempted to ask this of her...to find her. I want to see her again.
I wish the First One had a Facebook account. She has an unused MySpace account that was cast adrift the day she signed up for it. No pictures were ever posted. The last images I have of her are from my video yearbook. But I did hear the Mystic tell me that she has seen her; that she once had a Facebook account; that people she knows are friends of hers. I admit I am strongly tempted to ask this of her...to find her. I want to see her again.
Friday, July 1, 2011
THE CHILD SEER...
I've had several epiphanies during my life. Most were good, even awe-inspiring. Others were shocking and a few, downright depressing. Two of them have been in my head for a couple of days now because, SURPRISE! SURPRISE!, I've been depressed for the past three months almost non-stop. My sadness is turning into anger...I can feel it now, seething within. I'm angry at Digby; I'm angry at myself; I'm angry at my workplace friends for not standing in solidarity with me over this...how they continue to talk to her. Even RedMom, whom I have depended on as a spy of sorts, has cheerfully confided in me how she didn't like her at first but thanks to me encouraging her to get intel on Digby, she has gotten to know her and really likes her now. Gee, thanks. I feel like a piece of shit now. My friend, the Security Guard, isn't buddy-buddy with her, but he has spoken to her and made her laugh, which only feels like him rubbing it in since I never got her to smile and laugh so casually with me over all these years. I know he's not doing it on purpose, but that's not how wrath works a soul. The only people I work with who don't talk to her don't cross paths with her. I really thought there'd be at least one but her ass is apparently quite suitable for kissing. I'm so very happy to know where I stand in comparison to Digby...below her, always...which brings me to those epiphanies. Does no one believe in shunning anymore?!!
To this day, I still distinctly remember being in third grade and standing outside. I don't remember if this was before school, during recess, or waiting for Mom to come get me; but I do recall suddenly realizing that one day, my schooling would come to an end and with it, my childhood and this realization came with a sense of foreboding, not excitement because I realized that I would become like Mom and Dad; that I would have to work for a living, no more playing...just work...I would never amount to anything. I couldn't even answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" like a normal kid? I remember in first grade answering "sewer worker" with all the sincerity a six year old can muster. Now, to be fair, I used to sit, stare through the grating, and watch the tide force its way through the sewer in front of my childhood home so that fascination may have played into this...but I'm pretty sure my class was a mixture of doctors, lawyers, movie stars, and Presidents...certainly not sanitation workers. But there it was...an eight year old already aware of his lot in life.
The other one was when I was fourteen. I remember walking home from school...I even know what street I was on - Asbury - when this happened. It was this sudden, dreadful feeling of..."you're going to die alone." Understand, this wasn't a motivational feeling; one that would prompt me to get my ass in gear and do something about it feeling, no...it was the feeling of truth, a heavy truth that I have not been able to shake to this day.
And yet, whereas I never questioned the wisdom of the eight year old seer, I have always stood to challenge the fourteen year old seer and I don't know why. The eight year old me was right. I have not amounted to anything; I work all the time for little benefit - I haven't had a weekend in twelve years. Yes, my bills get paid and I still have a little leftover each month, but my station is precarious. I am only an injury away from destitution. I stand in such a place where the abyss can be beheld. I still have some wiggle room, but its edge is still too nearby for comfort.
But I have refused to believe the fourteen year old yet he has been right for the past eighteen years. Why do I still pretend it could be otherwise? I don't understand what this boundless optimism of mine is based upon. Does one reversal really undo my damaged psyche? ...does it? I am close to finding out. As my grief yields to anger - I have it bookmarked - I will enter upon the world of online dating. I really really wanted to get one, even if only one, girl (whom I wanted) to go out with me from real life first. I am deathly afraid of the emotional damage that will be done to me if I am as rejected online as I have been in life. I could handle that rejection if I could fall back unto life, but life has 100% rejected my desires and I know I am no winner and come preloaded with some strong faults like my total inexperience, working overnights in retail, and my inability to drive. I am not sure if having my own place, being debt free, being dedicated, and being mostly in shape and healthy will be enough to overcome those faults. I fear for my future as I again attempt to stare down the fourteen year old in the shadows of time...
To this day, I still distinctly remember being in third grade and standing outside. I don't remember if this was before school, during recess, or waiting for Mom to come get me; but I do recall suddenly realizing that one day, my schooling would come to an end and with it, my childhood and this realization came with a sense of foreboding, not excitement because I realized that I would become like Mom and Dad; that I would have to work for a living, no more playing...just work...I would never amount to anything. I couldn't even answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" like a normal kid? I remember in first grade answering "sewer worker" with all the sincerity a six year old can muster. Now, to be fair, I used to sit, stare through the grating, and watch the tide force its way through the sewer in front of my childhood home so that fascination may have played into this...but I'm pretty sure my class was a mixture of doctors, lawyers, movie stars, and Presidents...certainly not sanitation workers. But there it was...an eight year old already aware of his lot in life.
The other one was when I was fourteen. I remember walking home from school...I even know what street I was on - Asbury - when this happened. It was this sudden, dreadful feeling of..."you're going to die alone." Understand, this wasn't a motivational feeling; one that would prompt me to get my ass in gear and do something about it feeling, no...it was the feeling of truth, a heavy truth that I have not been able to shake to this day.
And yet, whereas I never questioned the wisdom of the eight year old seer, I have always stood to challenge the fourteen year old seer and I don't know why. The eight year old me was right. I have not amounted to anything; I work all the time for little benefit - I haven't had a weekend in twelve years. Yes, my bills get paid and I still have a little leftover each month, but my station is precarious. I am only an injury away from destitution. I stand in such a place where the abyss can be beheld. I still have some wiggle room, but its edge is still too nearby for comfort.
But I have refused to believe the fourteen year old yet he has been right for the past eighteen years. Why do I still pretend it could be otherwise? I don't understand what this boundless optimism of mine is based upon. Does one reversal really undo my damaged psyche? ...does it? I am close to finding out. As my grief yields to anger - I have it bookmarked - I will enter upon the world of online dating. I really really wanted to get one, even if only one, girl (whom I wanted) to go out with me from real life first. I am deathly afraid of the emotional damage that will be done to me if I am as rejected online as I have been in life. I could handle that rejection if I could fall back unto life, but life has 100% rejected my desires and I know I am no winner and come preloaded with some strong faults like my total inexperience, working overnights in retail, and my inability to drive. I am not sure if having my own place, being debt free, being dedicated, and being mostly in shape and healthy will be enough to overcome those faults. I fear for my future as I again attempt to stare down the fourteen year old in the shadows of time...
Thursday, June 16, 2011
INIMANDVS VIII
Being mad and sad at the same time is always an odd experience which gives birth to thoughts I did not know I was capable of having. It bugs the shit out of me that my creativity is so locked with these down states. The feelings are so self-destructive, yet I'm in awe of their occasional brilliance. This down state produced nothing brilliant, but it was an interesting thought nonetheless...to me anyway.
Digby is the highly volatile fuel currently powering these states. Again I find myself wishing suffering on her which I admit bothers me. I mean, how can I claim to be in love with her if I am actively wanting her to pay for her perceived sins? I am fast walking up to the abyss that will become the official dividing line of both my crush on her and the sheer amount of my life I have wasted trying to get a girl I want to want me. I am currently about three months away from it being twenty years since the first girl I wanted, Patient Zero, rejected me. This milestone should be an insignificant one, merely a footnote in one's personal history, but since she would actually be the first in a series of unbroken rejections, it has come to be a representative symbol of just how much of a loser I am and continue to be. I feel myself scrambling for something, anything that will allow me to rationalize the past four years as not a waste but I cannot see how that could be done.
Digby has served to reinforce my feelings of ugliness and while some of you might object to this assessment, I stand by the notion that "If nobody wants you, it's the same as being ugly." Digby has reinforced the feeling in me that I am outranked by everyone and by that I mean not only with her specifically --- believe me, it hurts me to no end to see EVERYONE I work with talk to her all buddy-buddy like (I thought that was an exaggerated observation made in sadness, but I have yet to see anyone I work with not talk and laugh with her). There's not one person who loves me more than her. They all know how much I am hurt by her, but not a single one has shunned her for my sake. That's not something you can ask for or even demand from friends, it has to spontaneously happen such an act of solidarity but God-forbid they not get their chance to bask in her glory. Believe me, I understand the desire...I still feel it daily but am denied it. I suffer alone in a kind of Purgatory, forced to endure an existence whereby I must abide an absence of her affection and approval all the while remembering what it once felt like to have (however briefly back in April 2008). I wish I mattered enough that hurting me would result in some, if not all, of the people I consider friends or allies shunning the one who hurt me but that will never happen.
But the other aspect I was alluding to is akin to the three-body problem in physics. If it is just me and one other person in the room, that person will talk to me and engage me in conversation. However, add a third person to the mix, no matter who that person is, and I will become the odd-man out. I'm never more important than another. I have yet to find an exception to this...even when I am with my Best Friend (though to her credit, she won't practically forget I am even there). It's like no one notices or they don't care that I am no longer speaking. Add a fourth person, and those three will form a group which I will be (almost) completely shut out of. Understand, this isn't maliciously done on their part (I hope!)...it's just what happens. It's a very lonely feeling... I admit I am weak when it comes to conversational skills but it remains nevertheless, a lonely feeling.
On a simpler note, Digby reinforced the notion that I am not worth being told "No" to; that I am not enough of a human being to be afforded that basic courtesy. And yes, I get it, it's not an easy thing to do but if you're not interested, you HAVE to tell the person asking you out especially if the man asking you out is lonely and feels he lacks options. Every day you don't tell him you're definitely not interested (none of this 99.99% shit either because that 0.01% WILL be clung to) is another day strengthening the emotional connection to you. And you certainly don't agree to go out on a date, stand me up, apologize saying that you'll make it up to me, agree to go out with me again, and subsequently stand me up again. I believe that Digby and I are compatible. I'd be at a loss as to how exactly to plot that out on a chart or graph or how to produce conclusive evidence of it. I hate relying on the "understanding" of it that I claim but I don't know what else to say. I know it's a fairly rare feeling and it's occasionally frustrating. There's a woman I work with whose twelve years my senior that I also know would be good for me (whether I would be good for her is an open question) and I would totally go for her if she weren't married and with four kids. But not every girl I've wanted has produced these feelings.
Some of my crushes were admittedly strongly lustful, a couple were rather fanciful. That's the way it goes. But I have walked away from girls I've wanted. Rabbit just might be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, even more than The First One, but the more I spoke to her, the more I understood that it would never work and it hurts for me to admit that because goddamn is she hot. I cannot even begin to fathom the amount of win she would represent as a compatible (and more importantly willing) girlfriend. It's arguable Digby came to this same conclusion before I asked her out, but remember, she never told me no. It sucks walking away, but I think it important that I mention that this does happen.
However all this depressing shit led to me wondering if it were possible to mathematically determine one's attractiveness because another one of those dark realizations I had was that I have been working in my store now for ten years. I have easily worked with about a thousand girls (yes, some would have to be discounted due to age/marital status). Not a single one has ever expressed interest in me and not a single one I have been interested in has ever reciprocated it. And this is to say nothing of the likely tens of thousands of female customers (same restrictions as the workplace ones) I've had over those years as well but I won't count them for this argument though I probably should since two of my customers did flirt with me for a little while before the one rejected me and the other moved on. When I was in college, I had three girls take an interest in me, all of whom were ultimately rejected whether the reasoning was sound or not (mostly not...I was an idiot, I admit it and handled them all poorly).
What I was thinking was you get your attractiveness or Desirability Index (in the form of a percentage) by taking the ratio of the [(number of girls who accepted me ÷ number of girls I've wanted) + (number of girls who have petitioned me ÷ estimated available local population)] / 2.
So my tentative numbers from college would be [0 + 3/4000*] / 2 which would give me a Desirability Index of .000375 or approximately 4 hundredths of a percent. This number is entirely unfair I admit and in sore need of refining. I guess a better number for the latter argument would be assuming a percentage of the local population based on the number of girls I actually wanted (even if only a little). Let's say that number is 30. Now it's safe to say that I would accept more girls who expressed an interest in me than I would accept if I were the one doing all the work. But what should that factor be? Two, three, four? I'll say four in that I believe that there are four times as many girls I would give a chance to if only they would ask for one versus the number of girls I'm willing to take a chance myself. Using that metric, my Desirability Index improves to [0 + 3/120] / 2 which would make my DI** 1¼% which is better but still quite shitty.
Well, it's getting late (for me anyways). I must go cook dinner. If this stupid idea has potential, I'll elaborate on it upon request though odds are, I'll explore it on my own without prompt. Good day reader(s)!
______________________________________________________________
* student population of my college is listed at approximately 8000 students. I'm assuming a 50/50 split of the sexes to get 4000 potentials.
** calling it DI makes it sound hipper.
Digby is the highly volatile fuel currently powering these states. Again I find myself wishing suffering on her which I admit bothers me. I mean, how can I claim to be in love with her if I am actively wanting her to pay for her perceived sins? I am fast walking up to the abyss that will become the official dividing line of both my crush on her and the sheer amount of my life I have wasted trying to get a girl I want to want me. I am currently about three months away from it being twenty years since the first girl I wanted, Patient Zero, rejected me. This milestone should be an insignificant one, merely a footnote in one's personal history, but since she would actually be the first in a series of unbroken rejections, it has come to be a representative symbol of just how much of a loser I am and continue to be. I feel myself scrambling for something, anything that will allow me to rationalize the past four years as not a waste but I cannot see how that could be done.
Digby has served to reinforce my feelings of ugliness and while some of you might object to this assessment, I stand by the notion that "If nobody wants you, it's the same as being ugly." Digby has reinforced the feeling in me that I am outranked by everyone and by that I mean not only with her specifically --- believe me, it hurts me to no end to see EVERYONE I work with talk to her all buddy-buddy like (I thought that was an exaggerated observation made in sadness, but I have yet to see anyone I work with not talk and laugh with her). There's not one person who loves me more than her. They all know how much I am hurt by her, but not a single one has shunned her for my sake. That's not something you can ask for or even demand from friends, it has to spontaneously happen such an act of solidarity but God-forbid they not get their chance to bask in her glory. Believe me, I understand the desire...I still feel it daily but am denied it. I suffer alone in a kind of Purgatory, forced to endure an existence whereby I must abide an absence of her affection and approval all the while remembering what it once felt like to have (however briefly back in April 2008). I wish I mattered enough that hurting me would result in some, if not all, of the people I consider friends or allies shunning the one who hurt me but that will never happen.
But the other aspect I was alluding to is akin to the three-body problem in physics. If it is just me and one other person in the room, that person will talk to me and engage me in conversation. However, add a third person to the mix, no matter who that person is, and I will become the odd-man out. I'm never more important than another. I have yet to find an exception to this...even when I am with my Best Friend (though to her credit, she won't practically forget I am even there). It's like no one notices or they don't care that I am no longer speaking. Add a fourth person, and those three will form a group which I will be (almost) completely shut out of. Understand, this isn't maliciously done on their part (I hope!)...it's just what happens. It's a very lonely feeling... I admit I am weak when it comes to conversational skills but it remains nevertheless, a lonely feeling.
On a simpler note, Digby reinforced the notion that I am not worth being told "No" to; that I am not enough of a human being to be afforded that basic courtesy. And yes, I get it, it's not an easy thing to do but if you're not interested, you HAVE to tell the person asking you out especially if the man asking you out is lonely and feels he lacks options. Every day you don't tell him you're definitely not interested (none of this 99.99% shit either because that 0.01% WILL be clung to) is another day strengthening the emotional connection to you. And you certainly don't agree to go out on a date, stand me up, apologize saying that you'll make it up to me, agree to go out with me again, and subsequently stand me up again. I believe that Digby and I are compatible. I'd be at a loss as to how exactly to plot that out on a chart or graph or how to produce conclusive evidence of it. I hate relying on the "understanding" of it that I claim but I don't know what else to say. I know it's a fairly rare feeling and it's occasionally frustrating. There's a woman I work with whose twelve years my senior that I also know would be good for me (whether I would be good for her is an open question) and I would totally go for her if she weren't married and with four kids. But not every girl I've wanted has produced these feelings.
Some of my crushes were admittedly strongly lustful, a couple were rather fanciful. That's the way it goes. But I have walked away from girls I've wanted. Rabbit just might be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, even more than The First One, but the more I spoke to her, the more I understood that it would never work and it hurts for me to admit that because goddamn is she hot. I cannot even begin to fathom the amount of win she would represent as a compatible (and more importantly willing) girlfriend. It's arguable Digby came to this same conclusion before I asked her out, but remember, she never told me no. It sucks walking away, but I think it important that I mention that this does happen.
However all this depressing shit led to me wondering if it were possible to mathematically determine one's attractiveness because another one of those dark realizations I had was that I have been working in my store now for ten years. I have easily worked with about a thousand girls (yes, some would have to be discounted due to age/marital status). Not a single one has ever expressed interest in me and not a single one I have been interested in has ever reciprocated it. And this is to say nothing of the likely tens of thousands of female customers (same restrictions as the workplace ones) I've had over those years as well but I won't count them for this argument though I probably should since two of my customers did flirt with me for a little while before the one rejected me and the other moved on. When I was in college, I had three girls take an interest in me, all of whom were ultimately rejected whether the reasoning was sound or not (mostly not...I was an idiot, I admit it and handled them all poorly).
What I was thinking was you get your attractiveness or Desirability Index (in the form of a percentage) by taking the ratio of the [(number of girls who accepted me ÷ number of girls I've wanted) + (number of girls who have petitioned me ÷ estimated available local population)] / 2.
So my tentative numbers from college would be [0 + 3/4000*] / 2 which would give me a Desirability Index of .000375 or approximately 4 hundredths of a percent. This number is entirely unfair I admit and in sore need of refining. I guess a better number for the latter argument would be assuming a percentage of the local population based on the number of girls I actually wanted (even if only a little). Let's say that number is 30. Now it's safe to say that I would accept more girls who expressed an interest in me than I would accept if I were the one doing all the work. But what should that factor be? Two, three, four? I'll say four in that I believe that there are four times as many girls I would give a chance to if only they would ask for one versus the number of girls I'm willing to take a chance myself. Using that metric, my Desirability Index improves to [0 + 3/120] / 2 which would make my DI** 1¼% which is better but still quite shitty.
Well, it's getting late (for me anyways). I must go cook dinner. If this stupid idea has potential, I'll elaborate on it upon request though odds are, I'll explore it on my own without prompt. Good day reader(s)!
______________________________________________________________
* student population of my college is listed at approximately 8000 students. I'm assuming a 50/50 split of the sexes to get 4000 potentials.
** calling it DI makes it sound hipper.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
MOX ANIMVS MEVS QVIESCET...
I found out last week that Digby put in her notice to quit so starting July 18th, she will no longer be almost daily refreshing in my mind. She, like all those who came before her, will now drift, being no longer tethered to my present experience, into the haze of the past.
I will always be in love with her somewhat. I can't see how I wouldn't be and she was a strong one too...perhaps the strongest of them all. Most of my crushes have "died" or are nearly so. Of The Eleven, four remain asleep (soon to be joined by Digby as a fifth) though for two of them, their pulses are exceedingly faint (only a lustful remnant remains), another, Patient Zero, would awaken if a real possibility could be had, and the remaining one, The First One, would awaken simply in her presence as though the past fifteen years away from her had never happened. Though that makes her dangerous, I feel such an awakened crush to be highly vulnerable to reality seeing as how she was idolized and idealized by me at the time rather than actually investigated for compatibility.
Digby will likely become like The First One but only time will tell. I am still a month away before it will begin to weaken and who knows how much longer after that until it falls asleep, remaining dormant for her return...even if it never happens.
I will always be in love with her somewhat. I can't see how I wouldn't be and she was a strong one too...perhaps the strongest of them all. Most of my crushes have "died" or are nearly so. Of The Eleven, four remain asleep (soon to be joined by Digby as a fifth) though for two of them, their pulses are exceedingly faint (only a lustful remnant remains), another, Patient Zero, would awaken if a real possibility could be had, and the remaining one, The First One, would awaken simply in her presence as though the past fifteen years away from her had never happened. Though that makes her dangerous, I feel such an awakened crush to be highly vulnerable to reality seeing as how she was idolized and idealized by me at the time rather than actually investigated for compatibility.
Digby will likely become like The First One but only time will tell. I am still a month away before it will begin to weaken and who knows how much longer after that until it falls asleep, remaining dormant for her return...even if it never happens.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
INIMANDVS VII
So the Digby saga ends not with a bang, but with a whimper. She finally put an end to it this past Tuesday, to which I responded by shutting off my phone and going to sleep for twenty hours. I can't even call it a mercy killing because I still find it so infuriating the way she's handled me over the years.
My confidence already shot, I feebly asked her out again, scaling down the nature of my date request by just asking to meet up at a diner. I did so in person rather than by text both because I refuse to yield to my cowardice on certain issues and because she can't ignore me face-to-face. She refused to give a straight answer telling me to ask again tomorrow because she didn't know if she were going to be up for it since she was going out with friends the night I asked her at work. I already knew this meant "no" but what I find so irascible about it is that she simply wouldn't tell me "no". Every time I've asked her out (and believe me, it was several times over the past 3½ years), she would never say she wasn't interested or give a simple no. The first time I got a fairly positive "Sure!" and she cancelled last minute claiming tiredness (she wasn't lying, I could hear it in her voice). Each additional time the response was less enthusiastic but never outright negative.
Yes, I deliberately went on the path of favorable interpretation instead of trusting my instincts. The trouble is, my instincts are so obviously aligned with my cowardice that it's hard to tell them apart most times. Yes, the moment this started getting painful for me I should've quit her, but I stubbornly and faithfully persisted. I believed, and I still believe in our compatibility. A belief which is now totally irrelevant. A belief which has left me holding onto a now worthless trove of data and intuitions about her.
But the part that kills me inside is not that she doesn't want me. Yes, that hurts. It never doesn't hurt. I would love to demand an explanation (and believe me I wanted to) but I know I'm not entitled to one. She does not have to explain herself to me in that regard. Yes, it hurts that I was not even worth her taking a chance on me. No, the part that kills me is that I'm not even worth a "no".
At some base level, I don't care if Digby's interested in me or not. She either is or she isn't. It's a rare black&white scenario that life offers. But the fact that I was never worth a definitive answer is what wrecks me and what will likely fuel the next several depressions I'm sure to experience over the next few months once my thoughts drift away from my long list of failures. Besides the Eleven, I've come up with an additional thirty-five names over the past twenty years that never panned out for various reasons ranging from outright rejection to circumstance (already in a relationship/married) to would've taken an interest if they had given me even a modicum of return. Forty-six girls/women, none of which have panned out...ever. And people wonder why I have zero confidence; why I scoff at being complimented - it's all so unbelievable... And I still feel my mind digging.
Anyhow, Digby was online on Tuesday morning and messaged me quickly that she would be unable to attend. Now, normally I take that three ways: Realistically; that she's telling me "no" without using the word in a stupid effort to spare my feelings - Hopefully; that I shouldn't take this as rejection but as a chance to try again later and perhaps do a better job and with more confidence - and Self-Destructively in that I know what she's doing, but I want to make her tell me "no" or to at least tell me to stop trying. I am coward and I recognize it in others scornfully and her wishy-washy desire not to come across as the bad guy while still trying to reap the bad guy rewards infuriates me. However, online is a stupid place for confrontation since clicking on the X box is a relatively simple task (as is ignoring) so I opted instead to give her an out. I already knew this had to be my last chance taken on her: I'm exhausted emotionally from this and know that if I didn't do something, that I would again deliberately interpret her response positively and rise to the challenge again. So I asked her if she would like me to stop reminding her that I would have all along had she told me to (which was a dig that I'm sure went over her head).
She told me that she doesn't share my feelings and that it would be best if I just moved on. Despite being emotionally braced for that, it still cut through and I chose to sleep on it. My heart wasn't exposed like it was back in 2009 during my last real attempt (something she failed to take advantage of - she could've ended it once-and-for-all right there but again opted for wishy-washiness allowing me to immediately regain my composure) She was at work last night but not for long. I didn't slip into a depression there either because of a lack of exposure or because the exposure is cumulative and that accumulation has yet to reach toxic levels. I already don't want to look at her and her laugh stings. I think I'm safe for the rest of the week.
I took the proactive approach and deleted her (and several of her friends) from my friends list. However, I still can see her entire profile because I'm still friend of a friend with certain people whom I actually talk to and like preventing me from doing a slash-and-burn (though I did make the list). I guess Digby has not updated her privacy settings since Facebook rolled out the new profile. I don't know if this is good or not though I suppose if I have a moment of weakness, I'll be able to indulge it. I'd ask her to block me, but then I also told her that I would not bother her anymore. Oh well, rationalizations.
I'm back in a place I haven't been in since late 2003. I officially like no one and I'm not in the mood to start. I've been told to try online dating. It's certainly a reasonable thing to try though I think I understand why I hold out still: I want to be able to get who I want just once in my life. Dangling myself on a hook in the waters of a dating site will surely bring at least one serious response, but it's not the same. Can a girl I like accept me just once? Am I really asking for too much? I started liking girls my age in 1991. Nothing...not once. A few blips of interest from the outside which was wonderful, but I've never been able to get one of my own choices...ever. Can I have one before I dive into online? Can I have one so I'm not carrying a small amount of bitterness and unworthiness with anyone I would meet through online dating? Can I?...
My confidence already shot, I feebly asked her out again, scaling down the nature of my date request by just asking to meet up at a diner. I did so in person rather than by text both because I refuse to yield to my cowardice on certain issues and because she can't ignore me face-to-face. She refused to give a straight answer telling me to ask again tomorrow because she didn't know if she were going to be up for it since she was going out with friends the night I asked her at work. I already knew this meant "no" but what I find so irascible about it is that she simply wouldn't tell me "no". Every time I've asked her out (and believe me, it was several times over the past 3½ years), she would never say she wasn't interested or give a simple no. The first time I got a fairly positive "Sure!" and she cancelled last minute claiming tiredness (she wasn't lying, I could hear it in her voice). Each additional time the response was less enthusiastic but never outright negative.
Yes, I deliberately went on the path of favorable interpretation instead of trusting my instincts. The trouble is, my instincts are so obviously aligned with my cowardice that it's hard to tell them apart most times. Yes, the moment this started getting painful for me I should've quit her, but I stubbornly and faithfully persisted. I believed, and I still believe in our compatibility. A belief which is now totally irrelevant. A belief which has left me holding onto a now worthless trove of data and intuitions about her.
But the part that kills me inside is not that she doesn't want me. Yes, that hurts. It never doesn't hurt. I would love to demand an explanation (and believe me I wanted to) but I know I'm not entitled to one. She does not have to explain herself to me in that regard. Yes, it hurts that I was not even worth her taking a chance on me. No, the part that kills me is that I'm not even worth a "no".
At some base level, I don't care if Digby's interested in me or not. She either is or she isn't. It's a rare black&white scenario that life offers. But the fact that I was never worth a definitive answer is what wrecks me and what will likely fuel the next several depressions I'm sure to experience over the next few months once my thoughts drift away from my long list of failures. Besides the Eleven, I've come up with an additional thirty-five names over the past twenty years that never panned out for various reasons ranging from outright rejection to circumstance (already in a relationship/married) to would've taken an interest if they had given me even a modicum of return. Forty-six girls/women, none of which have panned out...ever. And people wonder why I have zero confidence; why I scoff at being complimented - it's all so unbelievable... And I still feel my mind digging.
Anyhow, Digby was online on Tuesday morning and messaged me quickly that she would be unable to attend. Now, normally I take that three ways: Realistically; that she's telling me "no" without using the word in a stupid effort to spare my feelings - Hopefully; that I shouldn't take this as rejection but as a chance to try again later and perhaps do a better job and with more confidence - and Self-Destructively in that I know what she's doing, but I want to make her tell me "no" or to at least tell me to stop trying. I am coward and I recognize it in others scornfully and her wishy-washy desire not to come across as the bad guy while still trying to reap the bad guy rewards infuriates me. However, online is a stupid place for confrontation since clicking on the X box is a relatively simple task (as is ignoring) so I opted instead to give her an out. I already knew this had to be my last chance taken on her: I'm exhausted emotionally from this and know that if I didn't do something, that I would again deliberately interpret her response positively and rise to the challenge again. So I asked her if she would like me to stop reminding her that I would have all along had she told me to (which was a dig that I'm sure went over her head).
She told me that she doesn't share my feelings and that it would be best if I just moved on. Despite being emotionally braced for that, it still cut through and I chose to sleep on it. My heart wasn't exposed like it was back in 2009 during my last real attempt (something she failed to take advantage of - she could've ended it once-and-for-all right there but again opted for wishy-washiness allowing me to immediately regain my composure) She was at work last night but not for long. I didn't slip into a depression there either because of a lack of exposure or because the exposure is cumulative and that accumulation has yet to reach toxic levels. I already don't want to look at her and her laugh stings. I think I'm safe for the rest of the week.
I took the proactive approach and deleted her (and several of her friends) from my friends list. However, I still can see her entire profile because I'm still friend of a friend with certain people whom I actually talk to and like preventing me from doing a slash-and-burn (though I did make the list). I guess Digby has not updated her privacy settings since Facebook rolled out the new profile. I don't know if this is good or not though I suppose if I have a moment of weakness, I'll be able to indulge it. I'd ask her to block me, but then I also told her that I would not bother her anymore. Oh well, rationalizations.
I'm back in a place I haven't been in since late 2003. I officially like no one and I'm not in the mood to start. I've been told to try online dating. It's certainly a reasonable thing to try though I think I understand why I hold out still: I want to be able to get who I want just once in my life. Dangling myself on a hook in the waters of a dating site will surely bring at least one serious response, but it's not the same. Can a girl I like accept me just once? Am I really asking for too much? I started liking girls my age in 1991. Nothing...not once. A few blips of interest from the outside which was wonderful, but I've never been able to get one of my own choices...ever. Can I have one before I dive into online? Can I have one so I'm not carrying a small amount of bitterness and unworthiness with anyone I would meet through online dating? Can I?...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
INIMANDVS VI
I feel my heart growing bold again. The shattered pieces of confidence blown out from my heart fifteen months ago have begun to make their way back. They're moving slowly and quietly but are gathering strength. Now would be the perfect time to be distracted but I'm stuck still in that unenviable place whereupon those who would be good candidates to bring about my happiness is rooted in their sorrow. Not only do I not know mutual attraction, I do not know mutual joy. I have yet to be in a situation where I can be happy without first the girl I want would have to be made to be unhappy. How can I be a good man and wish for them to suffer simply so I can be happy? How selfish...
Since I am still in love with her, this budding confidence will only be used on her when I have both grown stronger from it and find an opportunity. I am already seeking them. I can feel it. I'm trying to talk to her again but still tentatively. I can't move quickly. It's been fifteen months since the last time I felt strong enough to try [and twelve months before that before she stood me up and two months before that when she first cancelled on me...who knows how long it would be before I could try anew if my confidence were obliterated now.....]. The imagery in my head is that of the Shadows returning to Z'ha'dum. Nothing good can come of it. I am clearly insane in the Einsteinian sense [doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result]. I don't know why I still want her after all this time but I so clearly do. I don't feel "meant" for her. I just feel we would be good for each other and it torments me so that I haven't figured out a way for her to at least let me TRY to show her. I am so certain I'm right. Although I am 99.9999% sure she wants nothing to do with me, that 0.0001% has so far proven enough to be motivating.
I don't know how long it will be before something happens. As certain as I am of what will happen, that microscopically thin veneer of hope remains. This would be the perfect time for a girl to come out of nowhere and take a liking to me. I have the gathering strength to be both receptive to her and the wherewithal to let go of the current one. It's the ultimate in, but I have no candidates [though there are a few "on the radar"] and the random forces of chance have not blessed me since 1998. So the future is known. I don't know when it will happen but I can feel in my heart the embrace of the allure of the miracle it would take to get her to give me that chance I have so eagerly wanted since October 2007.
I wish the attraction weren't so powerful, so certain. She's the second "genetic attraction" I've had and the first person I'd be willing to leave New Jersey for (since I know she desires to return to be the country girl in Pennsylvania where she was born and grew up as).
I define a genetic attraction as one where my very DNA calls out to the person desiring to merge with hers. It's a selfish attraction not unlike a lustful attraction. I would be perfectly willing just for her to surrogate the child and leave me with him/her after it's born. I feel like I'd be creating a worthy, "perfect" human if my DNA and hers were to be merged [to contrast, in a lustful attraction, all I want is to fuck the girl...if I never even learned her name, I would be cool with that. I've had three of those]. It obviously goes beyond that since I genuinely want to be with her, take care of her, and see to her wants/needs/desires. My attraction to her is exceptionally powerful, more powerful than I think even the First One [which was technically the second one, that's how powerful SHE was ;-) ] so it lingers; it persists despite all logic telling me otherwise. Three years I've wanted her. Three times I've tried to date her and failed. And now my confidence is restoring itself. My heart is growing bold.
This will end badly.....
Since I am still in love with her, this budding confidence will only be used on her when I have both grown stronger from it and find an opportunity. I am already seeking them. I can feel it. I'm trying to talk to her again but still tentatively. I can't move quickly. It's been fifteen months since the last time I felt strong enough to try [and twelve months before that before she stood me up and two months before that when she first cancelled on me...who knows how long it would be before I could try anew if my confidence were obliterated now.....]. The imagery in my head is that of the Shadows returning to Z'ha'dum. Nothing good can come of it. I am clearly insane in the Einsteinian sense [doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result]. I don't know why I still want her after all this time but I so clearly do. I don't feel "meant" for her. I just feel we would be good for each other and it torments me so that I haven't figured out a way for her to at least let me TRY to show her. I am so certain I'm right. Although I am 99.9999% sure she wants nothing to do with me, that 0.0001% has so far proven enough to be motivating.
I don't know how long it will be before something happens. As certain as I am of what will happen, that microscopically thin veneer of hope remains. This would be the perfect time for a girl to come out of nowhere and take a liking to me. I have the gathering strength to be both receptive to her and the wherewithal to let go of the current one. It's the ultimate in, but I have no candidates [though there are a few "on the radar"] and the random forces of chance have not blessed me since 1998. So the future is known. I don't know when it will happen but I can feel in my heart the embrace of the allure of the miracle it would take to get her to give me that chance I have so eagerly wanted since October 2007.
I wish the attraction weren't so powerful, so certain. She's the second "genetic attraction" I've had and the first person I'd be willing to leave New Jersey for (since I know she desires to return to be the country girl in Pennsylvania where she was born and grew up as).
I define a genetic attraction as one where my very DNA calls out to the person desiring to merge with hers. It's a selfish attraction not unlike a lustful attraction. I would be perfectly willing just for her to surrogate the child and leave me with him/her after it's born. I feel like I'd be creating a worthy, "perfect" human if my DNA and hers were to be merged [to contrast, in a lustful attraction, all I want is to fuck the girl...if I never even learned her name, I would be cool with that. I've had three of those]. It obviously goes beyond that since I genuinely want to be with her, take care of her, and see to her wants/needs/desires. My attraction to her is exceptionally powerful, more powerful than I think even the First One [which was technically the second one, that's how powerful SHE was ;-) ] so it lingers; it persists despite all logic telling me otherwise. Three years I've wanted her. Three times I've tried to date her and failed. And now my confidence is restoring itself. My heart is growing bold.
This will end badly.....
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
INIMANDVS V
Just yesterday I finally climbed out of a ten day depression catalyzed by the last girl I've wanted. She's working later again so I have to see her more...again. I have no defenses against her. It was a one-two punch to my heart that got started on September 8th. I was starting to get better from that one but on the 16th, I was brought right the fuck back down and HARD. I still can't tell if this pain in my throat is from a developing sickness (it doesn't feel like one) or because I strained my neck muscles from clenching my jaw all night that night. Seriously...
When my down periods get strong, I shut down and go into auto-pilot. I still hear and see everything: I'm capable of performing the tasks asked of me (albeit more slowly)...I just shut down. I stop speaking except when absolutely necessary and even then it's minimalist and in muffled tones with no attempt made to project. My thoughts go quiet as well. I become a living machine and I get weaker the longer I'm in this state. I'm sure it's not a good thing when I get this way because what I'm feeling is me doing everything possible to REMAIN in that state rather than get out of it. I try to shut down to humor, anger, and fear...anything that would cause my adrenaline to wake me out of such stupors... It takes a lot of energy to remain in that state and it puts a lot of stress on my heart and yet once I get there, that's exactly where I want to remain... My brain is stupid.
I think she's literally killing me...but only because I let her. Sigh.....
ADDENDUM: I think this was my bottom. I entered into an accelerating recovery since this point and am actually feeling quite like myself again for the first time in a long while.
When my down periods get strong, I shut down and go into auto-pilot. I still hear and see everything: I'm capable of performing the tasks asked of me (albeit more slowly)...I just shut down. I stop speaking except when absolutely necessary and even then it's minimalist and in muffled tones with no attempt made to project. My thoughts go quiet as well. I become a living machine and I get weaker the longer I'm in this state. I'm sure it's not a good thing when I get this way because what I'm feeling is me doing everything possible to REMAIN in that state rather than get out of it. I try to shut down to humor, anger, and fear...anything that would cause my adrenaline to wake me out of such stupors... It takes a lot of energy to remain in that state and it puts a lot of stress on my heart and yet once I get there, that's exactly where I want to remain... My brain is stupid.
I think she's literally killing me...but only because I let her. Sigh.....
ADDENDUM: I think this was my bottom. I entered into an accelerating recovery since this point and am actually feeling quite like myself again for the first time in a long while.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
INIMANDVS IV
Another thought that has passed through my head lately about her also reminds me of my worthlessness. I don't have the presence, the popularity [even amongst my friends], the whatever...to cause the people who call me their friend to shun another person.
At work, I see them talking to my still-not-yet-dormant crush and being all friendly despite them knowing just how much she depresses me. You remember in school when people would get ostracized for whatever reason? The kind of shunning where your friends would stop talking to YOU if you dared to talk to the one being shunned. I wish I had that kind of influence over others.
I want to hate her, but I can't. I hate her but I remain so fully in love with her and it sucks because being in love with her brings only pain and longing and hating her brings only regret and longing. There's no victory. There's not even a partial victory because she suffers no consequences [at least from my work friends] for standing me up.
I have no power.
I have nothing...
I am nothing.....
At work, I see them talking to my still-not-yet-dormant crush and being all friendly despite them knowing just how much she depresses me. You remember in school when people would get ostracized for whatever reason? The kind of shunning where your friends would stop talking to YOU if you dared to talk to the one being shunned. I wish I had that kind of influence over others.
I want to hate her, but I can't. I hate her but I remain so fully in love with her and it sucks because being in love with her brings only pain and longing and hating her brings only regret and longing. There's no victory. There's not even a partial victory because she suffers no consequences [at least from my work friends] for standing me up.
I have no power.
I have nothing...
I am nothing.....
Friday, September 10, 2010
INIMANDVS III
The sadder I get, the more attracted to her I become. It's such a perverse thing. Is it because I can only count on her to bring me down? Is it because I just want to feel something that I can associate with her? Even if it's negative? She's not attracted to me. She doesn't want me, and for once it's not from my usual lack of trying. We'll never touch nor kiss nor make love. We'll never be there for each other in good times and bad. We can't make each other happy. We can't build a life together... She doesn't care nor is even likely aware that I still carry this torch for her. The only feelings I can reliably get from her are heartbreak ... sadness ... worthlessness ... emptiness ... unrealized hope ... impotence [not that impotence!] ... misery ... heaviness ... longing.....
It's such an unfair trade. I saw her for all of a few minutes on Wednesday night. Over thirty hours later, I'm still sad. I remember when I still had hope that she and I would be together how talking to her for five minutes would be enough to energize me for days at a time... How will this end? Why won't this end?
ADDENDUM: Almost a week later and I'm still in a low, though not as low, place.
2½ years worth.....
It's such an unfair trade. I saw her for all of a few minutes on Wednesday night. Over thirty hours later, I'm still sad. I remember when I still had hope that she and I would be together how talking to her for five minutes would be enough to energize me for days at a time... How will this end? Why won't this end?
Oemer, maht seen sahxhe gelt nïhnen rhorda bis addyl sor...
ADDENDUM: Almost a week later and I'm still in a low, though not as low, place.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
INIMANDVS II
The last girl I wanted to date seriously is still the last girl I've wanted to date...seriously. I first started falling for her back in July 2007 and finally worked up the nerve to ask her out in April 2008. She accepted the invitation but subsequently stood me up. She apologized for doing so [she had an excuse] and I took the Christian approach to the whole thing and turned the other cheek. Two months later, the stars realigned and I asked her out again. She again accepted and again stood me up. This time her excuse for doing so was piss-poor. I was devastated...I still am to some degree. I really want her and it sucks that I cannot have her...not now, not ever...not even then.
I became a bit of a passive-aggressive dick toward her and it culminated in her deleting me from her online accounts. That should've been the end of it but as time marched relentlessly on, the wound scarred over and we got to being friendly again. She even offered to take me out to get a makeover. Seeing an opportunity, I accepted only for her to mention a boyfriend [whom I had never heard about before...not once]. This led to an exchange online whereby she broke my heart for a third time. Again, you would think that this would be the end of it but --- Oh did I mention that I am an idiot?
She did what she could to convince me that nothing would ever happen between us ever; that she just doesn't feel that way about me. Now, I feel at this point I should mention that I am not psychotically insane...merely pathetic. I have no desire to keep trying or to be a stalker or whatever. Mentally, I get it though I still find her to be quite desirable. My heart, though it took longer, gets it though it still wishes to pair-bond with her. My body, however, remains as attracted to her as ever and she never gets less attractive so it doesn't help that I have to keep seeing her.
Last night, she surprised me at work [in the sense that I didn't know she would be working that night]. I'm still reeling from it. The sadnesses that I sink into have not been as acute as they once were, but they still happen and they progress with an eerie predictability. Her voice, her laugh...they hurt me. Her cherry blossom perfume is the scent of failure. Seeing the attention she gets and receives from others only intensifies my feelings of worthlessness. Her kick-ass body serves only to increase my longing for her. Her smiles, which are never for me, leave me only feeling lonelier.
It's been two years and five months since she rejected me and I still want her. I still want no one else. I don't mean for that to come across as insanity but merely that no one has come along yet to replace her. I've never had a gap this long. I usually like a new girl every year or two. It's been over three years since I started wanting her and no one has come along to distract me from her. There's no one else I want. It's so very depressing. It's like there will be no one else; like she's the last one I will ever fall for. Why do I believe - why do I continue to believe - that she's so right for me...that we would be good for each other? I don't get it...
I hate being smitten...
I became a bit of a passive-aggressive dick toward her and it culminated in her deleting me from her online accounts. That should've been the end of it but as time marched relentlessly on, the wound scarred over and we got to being friendly again. She even offered to take me out to get a makeover. Seeing an opportunity, I accepted only for her to mention a boyfriend [whom I had never heard about before...not once]. This led to an exchange online whereby she broke my heart for a third time. Again, you would think that this would be the end of it but --- Oh did I mention that I am an idiot?
She did what she could to convince me that nothing would ever happen between us ever; that she just doesn't feel that way about me. Now, I feel at this point I should mention that I am not psychotically insane...merely pathetic. I have no desire to keep trying or to be a stalker or whatever. Mentally, I get it though I still find her to be quite desirable. My heart, though it took longer, gets it though it still wishes to pair-bond with her. My body, however, remains as attracted to her as ever and she never gets less attractive so it doesn't help that I have to keep seeing her.
Last night, she surprised me at work [in the sense that I didn't know she would be working that night]. I'm still reeling from it. The sadnesses that I sink into have not been as acute as they once were, but they still happen and they progress with an eerie predictability. Her voice, her laugh...they hurt me. Her cherry blossom perfume is the scent of failure. Seeing the attention she gets and receives from others only intensifies my feelings of worthlessness. Her kick-ass body serves only to increase my longing for her. Her smiles, which are never for me, leave me only feeling lonelier.
It's been two years and five months since she rejected me and I still want her. I still want no one else. I don't mean for that to come across as insanity but merely that no one has come along yet to replace her. I've never had a gap this long. I usually like a new girl every year or two. It's been over three years since I started wanting her and no one has come along to distract me from her. There's no one else I want. It's so very depressing. It's like there will be no one else; like she's the last one I will ever fall for. Why do I believe - why do I continue to believe - that she's so right for me...that we would be good for each other? I don't get it...
I hate being smitten...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
AND SO I KEEP GOING 'ROUND IN CIRCLES...
It's always weird for me to see couples. I've never had a girlfriend. I can't even imagine having one: it's such a foreign concept. I can't picture a woman choosing me when she has the choice of everyone else on this planet. I can't envision her arms going around mine because she wanted to do so. The thought of her wanting to kiss me, hold me, touch me is the equivalent of a syntax error to my mind...does not compute. It's lonely and leaves me despairing more often than not.
It's been suggested to me that I use those internet dating sites. I don't see the problem with that eventually. It's the initially thing that kills me inside. I know the stigma of internet dating has more-or-less been removed in recent years but I don't think the stigma of using it for your first date has been. And it doesn't matter to me if such a concept is a social stigma or not. It's a personal one for me. I already feel like such a loser. The lack of attention/interest I have received over the years from girls has left me feeling ugly. The need to be able to do this, even if only just once, in real life is extremely important. And all my combined deficiencies do nothing to make me believe that I have any way out of this hole that I've dug...
I'm gonna be thirty-two soon. What a horrible thing to realize that, for all intents and purposes, I am in the same boat I was in since I've been twelve - the age when I first started liking girls. I'm a twenty year old twelve year old.
I just can't picture who would want someone like me, or rather...who would want to invest in someone like me. I'm a piece of work. Why be with me when there are plenty of pre-fab boyfriends out there for women? Be with a guy with experience or without? Be with a guy who can drive or one who can't? Be with a guy who likes to go out or be with one who prefers staying home? Be with a guy who believes in God or with one who has no need for such superstitions? Be with a guy who makes decent money or with one who's barely getting by? Be with a guy who you can be superficially proud of or with one who needs to be constantly justified to friends and family? Be with a guy who has weekends off or with one who hasn't had a weekend off since 1999? Be with a guy who has confidence in himself or with one who is broken inside?
The natural world operates on the path of least resistance. Atoms settle naturally into the lowest possible energy state. The low-hanging fruit gets picked first. Predators seek out prey which is old, very young, sick, and injured. I am quite the wall to surmount. I wouldn't even date me so why would anyone else? I wouldn't know what to do with a girl even if I could have one...
And the depression merely mounts. The oldest I wanted to be when I had my first child was thirty-two. I wanted to be married starting when I was twenty-four. I'm nowhere near any of this and so I feel old, I feel unwanted, I feel ugly, I feel despised, I feel like a monster, I feel like a failure regardless of whether it is true or not.
I am a failure.
It's been suggested to me that I use those internet dating sites. I don't see the problem with that eventually. It's the initially thing that kills me inside. I know the stigma of internet dating has more-or-less been removed in recent years but I don't think the stigma of using it for your first date has been. And it doesn't matter to me if such a concept is a social stigma or not. It's a personal one for me. I already feel like such a loser. The lack of attention/interest I have received over the years from girls has left me feeling ugly. The need to be able to do this, even if only just once, in real life is extremely important. And all my combined deficiencies do nothing to make me believe that I have any way out of this hole that I've dug...
I'm gonna be thirty-two soon. What a horrible thing to realize that, for all intents and purposes, I am in the same boat I was in since I've been twelve - the age when I first started liking girls. I'm a twenty year old twelve year old.
I just can't picture who would want someone like me, or rather...who would want to invest in someone like me. I'm a piece of work. Why be with me when there are plenty of pre-fab boyfriends out there for women? Be with a guy with experience or without? Be with a guy who can drive or one who can't? Be with a guy who likes to go out or be with one who prefers staying home? Be with a guy who believes in God or with one who has no need for such superstitions? Be with a guy who makes decent money or with one who's barely getting by? Be with a guy who you can be superficially proud of or with one who needs to be constantly justified to friends and family? Be with a guy who has weekends off or with one who hasn't had a weekend off since 1999? Be with a guy who has confidence in himself or with one who is broken inside?
The natural world operates on the path of least resistance. Atoms settle naturally into the lowest possible energy state. The low-hanging fruit gets picked first. Predators seek out prey which is old, very young, sick, and injured. I am quite the wall to surmount. I wouldn't even date me so why would anyone else? I wouldn't know what to do with a girl even if I could have one...
And the depression merely mounts. The oldest I wanted to be when I had my first child was thirty-two. I wanted to be married starting when I was twenty-four. I'm nowhere near any of this and so I feel old, I feel unwanted, I feel ugly, I feel despised, I feel like a monster, I feel like a failure regardless of whether it is true or not.
I am a failure.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
INIMANDVS
The other night while walking to work I saw a lone firefly flashing his bioluminescent abdomen in a field where no female would ever see him. He was the last one to rise, the last of his brethren having perished in the week or two before after doing what they had been born to do. He was late to the party. His life will go unfulfilled.
I can sympathize with that insect...
I can sympathize with that insect...