DESPERATELY SEEKING INTERNET ATTENTION

     I really can't believe that this hasn't been done before but a cursory image search revealed nothing. I keep seeing the various paper towel and toilet paper rackets issuing products with labels like "6 Super Rolls = 11 Regular Rolls!" or "6 Big Rolls = 8 Regular Rolls" and other variations on that kind of torturous math.

     In the Star Trek: TNG episode, "Chain of Command (part 2)", Captain Picard is tortured by a Cardassian named Gul Madred. One of the key points of the interrogator's attempts to break Picard was to ask him how many lights were there behind him shining on Picard.

Indeed.

     And yes, there were four lights. But every time Picard admitted this, he would be made to experience terrible pain. The interrogator insisted that there were in fact five lights in his efforts to break the captain. By the end, Picard was not only ready to admit that he saw five lights but that he believed he actually could see five lights. Instead, another guard came in and told Gul Madred that Picard had to leave. Picard, now knowing he had been rescued, screams at Madred, "THERE. ARE. FOUR. LIGHTS!!!" in a shining moment of awesome for the audience.

     Anyhow, with Charmin, Bounty, Cottonelle, Brawny, etc. all doing this inanity with fewer rolls somehow equalling more rolls (even though the "original" sized rolls no longer seem to be for sale), I had a moment of inspiration for this insipid attempt at a macro that yes, I'm hoping will somehow make the rounds on the internet because I'm desperate for attention and validation from anonymous strangers.

      At least I admit it...

Seriously...Charmin, Cottonelle, Brawny, Bounty, et al. Cut this shit out already...

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...

     I was thinking about the old Power Rangers series earlier this week. If you remember the show, the Power Rangers were color-coded (red, yellow, blue, green, black, and pink) and even when not in uniform, their street clothes were curiously color-coded as well. I'm sure this was done in real life to make things easier for the show's intended audience's age range but I was left wondering why this might happen for real given that it might appear like a bad move security-wise.

     I thought it would be funny if the Power Ranger teens were looking at old photos of themselves prior to their being summoned by Zordon, pointing out how weird it is that Kimberly (the pink ranger) isn't wearing pink in this photo and that Billy (the blue ranger) isn't wearing anything blue. And then they laugh about it because Kimberly and Billy love pink and blue respectively. Then Jason (the red ranger), showing a look of concern, asks to see a photo of him and notices he's not wearing any red and none of the remaining rangers have this color fixation way back when.

     Jump scene to them confronting Zordon who tries to change the subject while strongly suggesting he's guilty of something. They then pressure the more impressionable Alpha-5 to get an answer and he finally caves and admits one of two things (whichever is funnier to you):

a) That Zordon is many hundreds of years old and can no longer see as well as he once did so he put a spell on the rangers to compel them to wear clothes matching their ranger color assignment so that he could more easily distinguish the rangers out of uniform.

or

b) That Zordon cast a spell on them to compel the rangers to always be wearing their respective colors because, well...(Alpha-5 clearly nervous)...Zordon says that all humans look alike to him so he used this spell as a way to tell you all apart when not in uniform.

AS THEY SAY, YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP...

     My Manager had some good unintentional one-liners last night. We have a man who occasionally comes in and buys much of our overstock for his community. I guess he's the buyer. I don't care what he does with it all. He arranges it all ahead of time with the Head Store Manager and I'm just the foot soldier who rings it all up...usually dozens of orders. He's polite, easy to work with, patient, and well-organized so I don't mind ringing up his orders at all. Oh, and he's an Orthodox Jew: something which normally would not be relevant to the discussion if not for the following.

     First of all, my Manager keeps calling this man "Vinny" even though his name is Ben and he continues addressing him as "Vinny" despite having been corrected several times. It's kinda cartoonish of my Manager, but I know he's not doing this maliciously: he honestly believes this is the customer's name and that is probably why it continues to amuse me so.

      The fun began later. Ben comes in on Saturday night to buy what he's buying and usually taking advantage of sales to boot. The only catch is that the sales end at midnight so I have to work quickly to get as much in as possible. This is where his organization pays off because I can get a lot more done than would normally be possible as a result. Saturday is also one of our busier nights so I'm sure my Manager doesn't like that I'm effectively off-register in order to attend to Ben. My Manager, perhaps a little flustered, asked that, in the future, Ben come in earlier or on another night entirely, suggesting Friday.

     Yeah, he actually suggested to an Orthodox Jew that he come in on a Friday night to do his bulk shopping. Believe me, it's not like you can't tell he's Orthodox. He's in the full, uh...uniform. Oy Gevalt!

     The best (of course) is saved for last. My Manager calls for Security to come to the loading bays so he can witness what's going on. While Ben is pulling his truck to the bay, he explains to Security what is going on. He tells him that "Vinny" arranges all this ahead of time with the head manager and that he buys all this stuff for his community, but that he does it in an unorthodox way. I immediately looked at Security and remarked that I'm pretty sure nothing Ben does is done in an unorthodox way.

     We shared a good laugh over that...and I hope you did too :-)

CERTAINLY NEW YEAR SO, UH...FEWER POSTS?

     Have I given up on posting to this blog, even semi-regularly? It's starting to look that way. I suppose I'll still update from time-to-time. It's not for a lack of things to write about though it certainly helped when I had a running theme like the "I Actually Like This Shit" music video series. Knowing I'd be back week after week until I had finished certainly kept this blog on my mind. Oh well...

      So what has the New Year brought already so soon into its tenure?

      I broke up with Costello on December 1st. The relationship just wasn't working in my opinion: I couldn't see any future in it. Costello, for some time, had begun feeling more like a friend to me than a girlfriend. She liked me more than I liked her and nothing I could do could close that gap, a gap which grew only wider as time went on. When she strongly hinted that she was feeling the "L-word" for me, I had to metaphorically slit her throat. I didn't like doing it, but it had to be done. I felt it would be cruel to string her along and for over a month by that point, I was already doubting our future. I offered her friendship and the offer, while genuine, was certainly something she wanted nothing to do with advising me to pretend like she never existed. Costello then applied the scorched earth tactic to all our digital connections. She had wanted me to take a picture of us for some time but we never got around to it, and it certainly wasn't from a lack of opportunities either. Now I have none, except for one with her coat appearing partially in the background. My first relationship is over; about 3½ months worth of one. Back to the drawing board...
     But then, as if seemingly by magic I have already become entranced by an unusually pretty customer of mine whom I had been seeing on a seemingly weekly basis. I had started noticing her before the break-up, but did nothing. She has this mesmerizing smile, you see. When I saw her again in December, I was (in my opinion as a shy man) crowded by my workplace friends who were encouraging me to ask her for her number but lurking far too close for my comfort (a range which can go from just a couple of feet to a seemingly infinite distance depending on just how much I am exposing my vulnerable side). Normally this is a non-starter: I never hit on my customers as a general rule. It's probably good etiquette though I'm sure my usual low self-esteem certainly had a hand in it.
     But this customer, this girl...she got me noticing her and believe me, that's certainly no small feat. I rarely pick up on clues so if I were feeling anything at all, she must be practically beaming them in my direction. After the "crowding incident" on December 17th, I decided that next time I would see her, I would at least get her name. Up until this point, she had been showing up once a week, usually on Thursday. However I would not see her again until just yesterday near the end of my shift. Again, she saw me and rather than go to a shorter line, she waited on mine. I got her name this time but pussed out on asking if she were seeing anyone. My rationalization is that I had wanted that shift to end on a positive note (shouldn't ask too many questions...mustn't get greedy!). She had dried paint on her hands and hair. I can only hope whatever she was painting was just for her and not for a place she's sharing with an as-of-now-unknown partner.
     I like how I work myself up for something that is entirely based on physical attraction at this point. And yes (and I say so surprisingly), I have no doubts that she is attracted to me as well. I hope to see her again soon and not another month from now. It'd be nice to start the new year off so right. It would certainly be a nice change of pace.

     On the numismatic front, I still have not found the 2009-D Northern Mariana Islands quarter...now three years after its release.
      The mintages on the last two 2012 ATB quarters certainly rose significantly suggesting that the Statehood Quarter glut has passed. It was a shame too as when looking at the first three designs, 2012 was on track to have the lowest total mintage of possibly any year since clad quarter production began in 1965. But alas, it was not to be and I had certainly been looking forward to that. The fourth design, the Hawai'i Volcanoes, its mintage exceeded the mintages of that year's three prior designs combined and the final design of 2012, the Denali National Park, exceeded the mintages of all four prior 2012 designs. The total mintage for 2012 did not exceed the quarter mintages from 2009, but it certainly got close. I suspect 2013's mintages will be significantly higher still.
     As of now, the 2012 Acadia National Park quarter from the Denver mint, has the lowest mintage in the entire America the Beautiful series at 21.606 million pieces and the Chaco Culture National Historical Park quarter, also from 2012, has the lowest mintage for a single design at 22 million per mint. I guess that makes them the "keys" even though we all know many thousands of pristine examples have already been set aside by collectors so don't get your hopes up because examples from circulation will certainly never be worth more than 25¢.
     So far, the first three years' worth of ATB quarter mintages have totaled less than the mintages of the first two State Quarters. Using that series as a marker, the ATB quarters are still eating up Pennsylvania's mintage. If the rising mintages hold, then 2013 will certainly surpass New Jersey and possibly Georgia. The mintages only surpassed Delaware's, the first State Quarter, with the first 2012 design, El Yunque National Forest...11 designs in.

     Okay, I'm done blabbing for now...

STEAL THIS IDEA, part VIII

     Some quick jokes I thought of (I hope!).

     Have a comedy which takes place a few decades in the future after say, the protagonist falls into a coma or was abducted by aliens for like forty years or whatever...I really don't care. Just so long as he's in that kind of a future. It might help if he was a child when he went missing and though aged, is still a kid at heart like Lion-O from the Thundercats whose body aged while in cryogenic suspension, but his mind remained the child he was when originally frozen.
     Anyways, have the kid stumble upon a Nerf gun exclaiming (something like - not a dialog writer here), "Awesome! They still have Nerf guns!" He grabs it, points it at something all the while his (now older) friends scream, "NOOOO!!!!!", and fires actual bullets into something (or someone if this is a black comedy - said shooting victim need not die...flesh wounds for comedy!). The friends then explain to the man-child that Nerf stopped making real guns and bullets back in the 2030s when sales started lagging for the company (or some other bullshit explanation). Additional layers of the gag being the real gun still looks like a cheap plastic toy (tradition, amirite?) and the fact that a Nerf gun is in an adult's house (with no children...can establish that in prior scenes) going unnoticed by the audience. The Nerf gun can also associated with a famous gun brand like Winchester Nerf Revolver :-P

     This one's for the girls. There's a store called Forever 21 in my area (may be a nationwide chain...I'm kinda hoping it is for this gag). Have a parody store for fat girls (if you wanna be mean about it) or BBWs (if you're going in a prideful direction) called Forever Size 21.

DISCLAIMER: To anyone reading this, you are welcome to not only use, but claim this idea as your own without giving credit to me. I sometimes have ideas, but I do not have the skills needed to express them. It is more important to me to see these ideas done than to receive recognition for them. That being said, giving me a mention anyway would make me giddy. If this idea has in fact already been done, then I strongly suggest you not actually steal it (at least not without major revisions) :-) 

BECAUSE WHY LET A PERFECTLY GOOD LABEL GO TO WASTE?

     After watching the most recent episode of Avatar: The Legend of Korra, I had a thought. At one point, the former chief of police reminded Councilman Tenzin that protecting his family from Amon, who can take a bender's abilities away from them, was absolutely imperative since he and his children were the last of the Air Benders. I wondered why this was so. After all Aang, the previous Avatar, was born an Air Bender and carried that, uh...let's call it the airbending gene within him as several of his family have the airbending ability that, for a time, Aang was the last possessor of. Aang lived for like seventy years after the end of the events in the original series. He obviously had children, but why not a fuckload of children? And I'm not talking with just Katara.

     Now I know such a subject isn't appropriate to bring up openly in a children's show, but that doesn't mean it could not have happened nor does it mean that it could not be told to the audience subtly that Aang had LOTS of children in an effort to reestablish the airbending nomads who were killed off genocidally by the Fire Benders a hundred years prior to the events of the original series. One would think that no matter how much he may have loved Katara, this drive to restore the airbending population would be an imperative of his. Why didn't Aang impregnate as many women as possible in life in order to do this? Like I said, it could've been implied that this had been done and handwaved to the audience since this new show takes place so many years later. The suspicion could've been borne out by making sure there would be at least one Aang-ish looking person in the background people in large crowd scenes every week.

     Something like that would have amused me...

ADDENDUM:  Okay, now I really have to wonder why Aang didn't go all impregnating happy. I was looking at the TVtropes link, and a posted picture showed Aang and Katara's three children: Kya, a waterbender; Bumi, a non-bender; and Tenzin, an airbender. Now remember, Aang is the LAST natural born airbender on Avatar Earth. One would think, especially if it took three tries to get the world up to two airbenders, that Aang might have a personal interest in increasing the population of Air Nomads by fucking around...y'know, for the cause. I'm sure Katara would understand.
     And okay, I know they can't explain that openly in a kids' show, but it could still be implied. Tenzin got lucky and three, possibly all four, of his kids are airbenders meaning Tenzin has done more for the Air Nomads than Aang has. But still, there are only four (maybe five) of them on the ENTIRE PLANET.
     Now, since the job of the Avatar is to bring balance to the world, I am going to say (and add to my predictions for the show) Avatar: The Legend of Korra will get around this detail by figuring out not only how to soulbend to take away one's bending ability, but also its opposite and learn how to restore bending in people or even give bending to nonbenders. Korra will repopulate the world of Air Nomads through soulbending.

BADASS NOTE IS BADASS

Look at this note:

That's the back-side of a 1918 series $1 Federal Reserve Bank Note. Why isn't that design still on our dollars today? It's so badass-looking. It's like the dollar of the Colbert Nation. A defiant, angry eagle; already impressive in its own right, ready to impale you with the American flag if you dare go against it.
And why would you go against it? That's right, you're accepting this dollar. It's been secured by United States Certificates of Indebtedness and/or United States one-year Gold Notes. They've been deposited with the Treasurer of the United States and payable to the bearer on demand...ON DEMAND!!! That dollar is guaranteed, dear citizen (unless you're intending to use it to pay import duties or interest on the public debt, then you're SOL). It's National Currency asshole!

THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part X

      At work last night, we were wondering why earth tones look better on guys and bright and cheery colors look better on girls. I suggested that maybe it's related to sexual dimorphism in animals where the male is brightly colored and the female blends in, but in reverse.

      The males need to be covered/dressed in earth tones in order to hunt effectively and blend in to the scenery to protect their camp from intruders. The male shows his prowess with the females by having them dress in bright and very visible colors. These arrogant displays act as proof to other females how capable a man he is.

"Look how visibly my women can dress and still go unharmed! With me you will always be safe and fed!"

FUN WITH THESAURUS

      Have you ever come across a girl so pretty it almost makes you angry? Not angry in the sense of you want her and can't have her kind of way; but rather, angry because it feels as though an injustice has occurred.

      It's like this girl is so pretty that in order for her to exist in this form, a hundred others had to be born ugly in a gesture of compensation by the universe. She's so pretty that standard adverbs like "very" and "extremely" are too imprecise to convey your reaction from the look you've been afforded. She's so unprecedentedly pretty that she upsets the curve set by your previous infatuations. She's so unbelievably pretty that you feel practically compelled to crush on her simply because you don't know any better...like it would be disrespectful not to. A girl so disturbingly pretty that she will diminish us all upon leaving this world. A girl so portentously pretty that she must surely be the answer to an age-old profundity. A girl whose indelible face clearly has an output in the high 900+ milliHelens range.

ridiculously pretty

      A girl so frustratingly pretty that you cannot help but run an entry of grandiloquent expressions in an online blog about the subject into the ground... :-)

FUN WAS HAD BECAUSE I WAS TIRED...

      Yesterday at about 3:30 p.m., which is about halfway through my sleep period, I got two texts in-a-row from a friend regarding something important. That's why I leave my phone on even when I'm sleeping. I do it for you guys. Everyone else is silenced. I haven't come up with an alias for this friend yet but thankfully, this friend's pseudo identity isn't necessary for this post.

      Anyways, I heard the text alert and sleepily reached for my phone to see who it was. But I didn't grab my phone, I grabbed my camera. I spent the better part of a minute fiddling with my camera and its settings wondering why it was I couldn't find the text message before it dawned on me that I had grabbed the wrong device. I found it amusing that my hands clearly "knew" I was holding my camera. I didn't try to open it like I would with my phone. I pushed the correct buttons to navigate the camera's menus. But eventually it clicked and I lived alone with my stupidity...until now of course. :-)

THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part V

      I had this bizarre thought the other day for a creepy explanation as to the origin of Santa Claus. Santa's an elf as are his workers. Not the Tolkien-type elf of course, just some generic one. I'm not even sure if Santa has pointy ears as they tend to be hidden in his hair and cap. Of the many problems inherent in the Santa story, what of these elves? And Mrs. Claus always felt like an afterthought or someone shoehorned in later to the story to help reconcile certain things.

      Santa is posited as a magical being so what if the whole workshop thing were more like a bee colony? The elven workers are generally portrayed as male and they can be, it's not really important but they never seem to have real families, more like master/apprentice type relationships. What if they are all of the same mold and Santa is their queen? Santa is so fat because he is full of elf eggs (or larvae) which he lays and they subsequently hatch into worker elves. These elves are incapable of reproduction like worker bees. They're born knowing what they need to do and perhaps like bees, rotate through various duties.

      Santa is generally considered immortal and he may very well be...as a concept. Santa might eventually grow old and need to be replaced. At this point, a new Santa Claus queen might be born using a version of royal jelly, but of an elven variety as well as Mrs. Claus drone. The two mate, Mrs. Claus, having fulfilled her purpose then dies. And the new Santa Claus, full of elf eggs, takes over the duties of being the queen of a new horde of elf toymakers. The old Santa either dies, is killed, or wanders off into the cold North Pole lands to succumb to the environment and the tradition continues.

       While this doesn't explain the ultimate origin of Santa Claus, it does provide a sufficiently creepy tale to tell increasingly disillusioned children, no? ^_^

!!!!! BAD JOKE ALERT !!!!!

      Last night at work, a girl came in wearing a grey hoodie with the layout of a NES controller printed across it. The D-pad and BA buttons were over either of her breasts. Something tells me that entering the Konami Code would not have earned me 30 lives but rather, 30 to life...

WE ARE ALL KOSH...

Here's something completely pointless and probably won't work right but will nevertheless amuse for a few moments because well...we're us.

www.toppa.com/ask-kosh/


Try it and feel free to comment me on any good ones you managed to get.


ADDENDUM: The above link also offers a download of various things Kosh had said over the course of the series. Most notably absent was "And so it begins" (which would make for a good Windows Start chime)...How could you not have what is probably (thanks to Season 5) the most famous thing Kosh has said. And of course, no matter where I go, I can't find a site that lets you download the phrase, it's only for playing on Quicktime...ugh. Now I've gotta do it myself...

(originally posted to That Other Journal on August 28, 2009)

ABSOLUTE RANDOM NUTTINESS BETWEEN FRIENDS...

you were too much into the 'geek' and not enough into the 'greek'

as he stood by the 'creek' thinking about what he did last 'week'

perhaps he'll learn to 'tweak' the things that make him 'reek'

so he can 'seek' the 'sneak' who made off with his 'leek'

Perhaps he can 'peek' to find out who took a 'leak' (HAHAHAHA)

and then kiss the 'cheek' of the 'freak' who is no longer 'unique'

His chair is 'teak' and his interest does 'pique' for the reason she is 'meek'

perhaps it's her 'mystique' or is it her love for a good 'antique'?

She finds the 'beak' when it bites makes her go 'eek!'

for the bird's 'critique' was that she was not 'chic' so she must therefore not be 'bleak'

Anyone got any more lines? Anyone? I demand Kudos!

(you've still got peak, Sikh, sheik, shriek, sleek, speak, squeak, streak, weak, wreak, Zeke :-) )

(originally posted in That Other Journal on November 25, 2008)