TO CONTINUE...

     Gandalf's description of how the One Ring grants its bearer immortality feels like such an apt description for much else in life.

Like the other Great Rings of Power, [the One Ring] would extend the lifespan of its owner indefinitely, but that person...would not grow or obtain more life, but would merely continue, until every minute was an unbearable weariness.

     The more I read about Tolkien's mythology, the more I find it such a remarkable way of looking at things. Although we are not Valar nor Maiar, I find the idea that we have within us a native strength (or power) which can be spent to our fortune or peril an interesting one.
     The great evil ones, Melkor and Sauron, spent their spirits in envy and hate in their respective attempts to dominate the very matter of Earth and its inhabitants, growing weaker over time. Once mighty and seemingly invincible, they would, over time, lose their ability to shapeshift, no longer be able to create new things to use against the existing order (instead being able to only make parodies and corruptions of works already made), and take on wounds which would no longer heal.
     The great maia, Sauron, would impart much of his remaining native strength into the One Ring so that it would be able to dominate the other nineteen rings of power. When he wore it, the One Ring made him even stronger than before but should the ring be destroyed, it would take with it that native strength Sauron had poured into it so there was a risk involved for any spirit who wished to go against the natural order of things.

     It makes me think of how we live our lives and the values and desires we place in things and in people. I feel like I have invested much of my native strength in the wrong girls and it has left me considerably weaker for my troubles. The last time I felt my native strength increasing was when I was in college back in late 1998/early 1999...but mostly in 1998.
     I had met many new friends (even girls who found me desirable) and for perhaps the only time in my life, had a near-daily exposure to love and acceptance. I felt a part of something bigger than me for the only time in my life.  If I were somehow able to quantify my native strength and add up the percentages of it placed into other people and things and that which is still left in me, the number would be greater than 100% mostly for that time but also for times in my past like it (such as when I started getting to know my Best Friend and other friends both remaining and lost in my life).
     My last happy New Year was the changeover from 1999 to 2000. So far, the 21st century has held little to no happiness for me and as I now find myself well into it. I am also less than ten years away from the pivot point whereby I become a 21st century man (that is, soon I will have existed longer in the 21st century than I did in the 20th...another of my weird thoughts/realizations).

     But I know I squandered a large part of myself in the First One. It felt only natural and I did so out of ignorance. While foolish in retrospect, how was I to know at the time she wasn't "the one"? First love is foolish love much as is all young love. Still...I miss her and the nervous energy she imparted on me that I was then able to transform into creative and artistic pursuits like drawing, poetry, and most proudly, a constructed language.
     The First One would come to be known to me as a personification of idealization. She is what attraction means to me and what it means to be in love. All those who have followed (and even those who preceded) are compared to her, being either greater or lesser. In a mythological sense, she would be the physical manifestation of a god, specifically of Aphrodite. In a different and more modern sense I would describe her as a "genetic attraction", which was most definitely eugenic in nature as I recall myself, even as a young teenager, wanting to merge my DNA with her own as if our respective DNAs would result in a more superior human than she already was. That's a strange thought I admit and to this day, while I would most certainly prefer to do so the, uh..."natural" or "fun" way, I would be happy to have her accept my DNA via artificial insemination just to bring about that genetic fulfillment.

     Smaller parts of me would be invested in nearly a dozen other girls and more still in lost friends, but the next great investment was in Digby, the source of many downer posts in this blog. I saw in her a salvation of sorts. She appeared to me as the actual "one" I had been spending my life looking for (and this time a human right from the start rather than the fleshy goddess that was the First One) as I now had many more years of experience and working knowledge of who I am and what I had wanted. I felt able to see our compatibility but ultimately, I had deceived myself...
     Don't get me wrong. I still believe with all my heart that Digby is right for me. It's just...what I never considered and what would thus be my downfall, was that it never occurred to me just how cruel nature is when it comes to love. I made the mistake of believing, because I had never properly had it contradicted prior, that compatibility is more of a scalar than what it truly is, a vector.
      You see, compatibility has a direction to it: it's not a universal number or quality. Digby is good enough (maybe even ideally so)...but only for me. But I am not perfect for her. It seems an impossible thought but it's sadly so very true.
      For the longest time I went through life believing that if you found a person you were compatible with that it was only natural that they too would be compatible with you. It might take some convincing, but I truly believed compatibility was like an equation. In this case, different sets of numbers that added up to the same result (a simplified example being 4+5 = 108÷12 ...seemingly different in all ways but nevertheless, their underlying nature, that they are both manifestations of 9, is the same). But no, compatibility is not a simple equation...it is a vector. The direction compatibility moves in matters (like how whether a targeted item in a supermarket will appear on the left side or right side of an aisle depends on the direction you enter said aisle) and resultant vectors cannot be found simply by adding two (or more) vectors together.
     The maddening result of all this grief is the knowledge that you can be great for someone but that you, in turn, are not necessarily great for them. It is a seeming defiance of logic but it is most assuredly true and a depressing truth at that. Perhaps if I had learned that lesson at an earlier age...

     Digby would become the personification of desire in many, if not all, of its manifestations and especially representative of my desire to do right by and for a woman; to be her one and only; to be the father, and properly so, to her children; to give of myself that she and my progeny might experience a life most fitting for them. Digby was truly a dream given form...
     Now if only I might find that (as of yet unknown) Third One who is this time as compatible with me as I am with her.

     However, to get back to my opening statements, I feel I have been living a life without purpose and I have been living this way largely for the last three to seven years depending on your reckoning and arguably I have been this way since finding the First One back in 1992 as fulfillment is not something that would ever be known to me.
     Much of my native strength has been spent. It has left me feeling weak and my spirit fragile. It takes so much time now to find even the smallest amount of will to make a move and such strength is all too easily spent resulting in months of recovery from even the slightest of setbacks...time I really don't have anymore as my youth has been gone for some time now.
     For the time being, I find myself bound spiritually to my Best Friend but she is not enough. She is like family and family does not represent the future nor does family represent change, whether the family we're born into or the family we choose. Love must ultimately manifest either literally in the form of children or spiritually in the form of a legacy which will outlive our physical forms. Our genes demand from us immortality. For me personally, that satisfaction requires a yin for my yang to be the means, undeniably female, for manifesting that immortality. But I have been denied such satisfaction...
     And I feel that's what living with purposelessness is: it is merely survival, not life. The food I eat, the water I drink, and the air I breathe extend my life but mere acts of survival do not grow or obtain for me more life. They permit me only to continue and every day the burden of continuing makes me feel heavier and that heaviness is most certainly wearisome. It is not yet unbearable and while I have no intention of "doing" anything about it, it does leave me wondering just how much more my body can handle before it decides it has had enough or will I find my continuance, my merely surviving, to be corrupting like that of Sméagol as he became Gollum under the One Ring's influence and living on only as a shadow of my former, once hopeful, self,

     ...a living mockery of a man...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

     It's Digby's birthday today. It's been a little over three years since I would last see her somewhat regularly hoping for that chance and never getting it. Yeah, I still kinda miss her. I never said I wasn't pathetic...


     This card is so true :-)

REFLECTIONS...

     Yesterday I learned that Digby has a boyfriend. I also learned that I am in no way happy for her. I never realized that I had actually hated her...

     It's strange getting a glimpse of your soul. Any other of my crushes over the years, if I found out they had a boyfriend or when they announced their engagements, whatever, I was actually pleased. Yes, I wished it could've been me in a more perfect world but nevertheless I was glad to have learned they had found some happiness in life. It is what I had always wanted for them. Again, ideally they would've found that happiness with me, but in this imperfect world I'm still glad they found someone. I really am.

     But not Digby...

     Why the difference, I wonder? She's not the only girl to have hurt me before nor is she the first. Do I really hold such a terrible grudge because she was the last girl I could've introduced to my father before he passed? Was it because she was never straight with me? Was I really so in love that having my heart broken over such a long stretch of time would so thoroughly blacken my soul? I don't know...

     Such invidiousness...

     It's like having a mirror capable of reflecting my soul held up to me. I saw the darkness in my heart for the first time in quite a while. I'm ashamed... I thought I cared about her. That was painful to confront. Strangely, it may prove liberating. I've been pining for this girl since July 2007...a long time indeed...and even after not having seen her with any sense of regularity for almost three years. She's stuck with me. No one has replaced her. I'm not sure I've ever wanted a girl more. I've come to calling her The Omega as though she would be the last of her kind...that my heart could not bear to take up the burden of another infatuation.
     Number Twelve briefly shone after her, but unlike Digby, she was honest with me and her potential for influence over me faded rapidly. I let her go before she became a full-blown crush. I was able to let her go and let her go easily. I've seen her with her boyfriend and how happy she is with him and I, in turn, am happy for her that she has such a man who has stood by her all these years and through the traumas she's had to endure. When the First One finally finds a man, I'm sure I'll feel a little pang of jealousy but I will ultimately be glad she has found someone she has deemed worthy of her. It is, after all, what I have wanted for her since high school.

     Still, this dark jealousy might prove liberating. To see me hate her happiness and feel it so openly only shows me that I could not really have cared for her. To want to destroy this budding love between them in some perverse effort to isolate her that she may find love with only me is insanity. I can't claim feelings of love for her if I wish this upon her in any capacity.

     Knowing this; having confronted this aspect of my soul, maybe I can finally let her go...

CONFIDENCE IS BORN OF CHARITY...

     One of the commonest forms of advice anyone (but especially males) will receive for dating will be the stressing of the necessity of expressing confidence. And personally, I get that. I see how that works because like anyone else, I'm impressed by confidence when it is witnessed in others be it for dating, in the arts, standing up for oneself, etc. Confidence is certainly wonderful to be around and influenced by. It is indeed.

      However, where does confidence come from? As I've often stated in the dating game, how am I supposed to be confident around women when women (up until June 24th, 2012 anyway) have always refused to go out with me? I would say confidence comes from victory and without victory, there can be no confidence. And while a date is more an endgame thing, smaller victories exist too leading up to that. Victories like girls you're actually attracted to smiling when you talk to them or those same girls giving you their phone numbers. Victories like girls actually competing for your attention. That, in particular, is a wonderful experience that I personally have only witnessed happening to other men...men who would also be getting the attention of the girls I have liked over the years. O jealousy!

      But it got me thinking. What gets the confidence ball rolling? Some people possess it in spades whereas others, like me, desperately scrape the bottom of my psychology's leaky bucket looking for anything I can use because confidence has long since ceased to be available to me in useful amounts. I feel like the lead Prawn in District 9 patiently trying to distill fuel from scraps of their machinery to power their idle mothership. Here I'm combing through scraps of life experiences hoping to distill enough confidence to take a chance on someone and that the effort won't be wasted because I know it will be a long time before I've distilled enough to try again and in the meantime, I'll've only gotten older.

      But still, where does it start? What is the basis of confidence? And then it hit me...childhood. But more specifically our parents. Our first experiences of confidence were acts of charity by our parents. Do you remember making drawings or picking flowers or singing songs for your mom and/or dad? Maybe you got good grades on your report card... Or at least do you remember watching other kids do the same when you were older? What is the parents' reaction to their child's decidedly crude drawing, hackneyed jokes, presentation of common wildflowers, or off-key singing? It was "beautiful", wasn't it? Much praise was given, was it not? And it was an act of charity on the part of the parents because there is no way in hell I can accept that any parent, no matter how enthralled they are with their own genetic progeny, actually believes that the drawing was beautiful or that the joke was funny or that the flowers were well presented/selected or that the singing was great. We've seen art done by masters; heard songs composed  by The Beatles; seen the brightest, most colorful bouquets; witnessed unparalleled intelligence from scientists and philosophers; and we've all listened to some damn fine comedians over the years too.

      These parents are bullshitting their children, but for a good reason. Harsh criticism early on will destroy their desire to create and stand out. The charitable confidence given to them in the beginning encourages them to continue because yes, having an audience matters.
      I've tried to tell myself over the years that the approval of others isn't necessary and to a certain extent that is true because I worked on my language for a good eight years without anyone cheering me on to do so. But to a further extent, it is also a lie. I would argue that the energy/inspiration necessary to create this language derived from my crush on The First One, from learning how other languages worked, and perhaps additionally from whatever well of prior confidence in my abilities I had had from earlier periods in my life when crude gestures/attempts could still garner praise. But then, that language has lain largely dormant for over ten years now. Imagine how much closer to completion it would be today if I had someone (or several someones) supporting me in my quest either through praise, encouragement, or even simple curiosity on their part?

       Eventually these kids will go to school and have friends who will not give them praise just because. Suddenly they will find themselves challenged to earn their praise. Here, those children who have had much charitable confidence put in their psychological buckets will find themselves able to weather these storms. They will get better at drawing; better at writing; better at singing; better at joke telling; better at their particular sport; better at school; etc. and earn praise that way. They will turn their charitable confidence into plain old confidence and with that confidence, they will get the girls they like because they will be projecting the air girls find attractive.
       As for everyone else, barring acts of charity anew, we are lost. As for dating, Winwood was the one who charitably donated confidence to me that girls might actually want to date me. I fear over a year later that it has worn off. I'm tired and finding myself not wishing to try anymore. I feel myself missing my time to work on my own shit again. I feel myself wanting to pull back. I wonder if I should? But then I realize I'm fast staring down the barrel of middle age and if I truly do not wish to die alone, I cannot stop...

      Confidence may be born of charity, but it is sustained by skill and damn it, I need skills...

IT'S A NO-GO...

     The customer I had mentioned in a previous post came into work on February 1st. I approached her immediately and wasted no time (for once) in asking if she was seeing anyone or not. She said she was.

     Damn...

     Despite having had little emotional investment in her, the rejection still hurt. Who am I kidding? It always hurts. It only lasted the night, but it still hurts...

     Back to the Online Dating Site drawing board.....

WE ALL HAVE OUR JOHN CONNORS...

     If you remember the Terminator franchise (and seriously, if you don't, go the fuck away...like, now), the singular obsession of Skynet was the elimination of the human resistance leader John Connor. In the first film, it went after his mother to eliminate him before he had ever been born. In the second film, it went after him as a child, going after him when he would be vulnerable.
     As far as I am concerned, it ends there but since Terminator 3 exists as does Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I'll point out that Skynet's mission in part 3 was to eliminate John Connor's lieutenants under the assumption that if you cannot get the main man, eliminate those who have helped him before they become important. In the Sarah Connor Chronicles, its missions become more varied like making sure equipment is in place and eliminating miscellaneous threats to its nascence.

     However, it was in this latter film and television show that a new concept was revealed in terminator programming: When the T-X accidentally encountered John Connor (who had been living "off the grid" for years in the timeline of this film) in a veterinarian's office, the T-X found its mission parameters immediately and irrevocably altered to terminating John Connor.
     This also happens (at least once in the aborted television) series when a terminator on a mission to eliminate someone else is distracted by John who (correctly) assumed that the machine would deviate from its mission to go after him. You see from the machine's point of view, its mission parameter changing to terminating John Connor.

Faced with Bedell's impending termination, John did the only thing he could: he diverted the machine's attention. "Hey! Look over here! It's me, Connor! John Connor!" With a Mission Priority Override, the Terminator abandoned Martin and raced after John.

      Basically, the termination of John Connor is every terminator's primary mission no matter what else they were assigned to do. In the film's universe, since Skynet did not anticipate being destroyed by a human resistance, it did not make any attempts to preserve records when it launched the United States's nuclear armaments against the U.S.S.R. (who in turn launched all of theirs through the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction). Skynet did not know much of John Connor's youth which is why its targeting is as imprecise as it is.
     In the first film, it only knew his mother's name and knew she lived in Los Angeles. This did not bode well for the two other Sarah Connors in the area. I'm not sure under which knowledge it operated for why it sent the T-1000 where (and when) it did in the second film. The third film only became about John Connor for the T-X once she accidentally encountered him otherwise it could have been a completely different film.

     Anyways, what's my point you ask?

     I think we all have our respective John Connors in our lives and I don't mean for termination, I mean that girl (or boy...whichever is appropriate for you) who is no longer in your life but if she were ever to (somehow) come back, you would drop everything to be with her no matter what or either that, the amount of resistance you would need to put up to avoid uprooting your life would be nothing short of Herculean.
     She's your one. She's The One.

     My The One is The First One: my crush from high school. She's not my first crush, but she was my most powerful one in high school and whose influence remained despite the passage of years. Only would Digby challenge her for dominance and she ultimately loses and I'll tell you why.

     The First One and Digby are opposites. The First One is that of light and Digby is that of darkness.

     Simply put, The First One inspired me. I created a coded alphabet to write about her. I created a language in order to have a new way to think about her. I named a made-up planet after her. I've used known information about her to make cheat codes and Easter Eggs in BASIC programs I've written. She inspired poetry from me. She remains the standard candle by which I judge beauty. She is the perfect fantasy...

I heavily manipulated my original 20 year old drawing in an attempt to make it look cooler

     Digby did not ultimately inspire me. She brought out the worst in me. She has no legacy. No poems; no BASIC cheat codes; no planets or moons named after her; she did not revive work on my language...nothing. She inspired only darkness like envy, pride, and wrath.

     I cannot imagine it ever happening, but if somehow someway The First One reappeared in my living life (as opposed to online via Facebook) and offered up a chance to date her, I seriously cannot calculate just how into someone else I would have to be to not immediately dump whom I'm with just for that chance. And I barely know anything about her. She is that powerful a fantasy. She is the one who started it all...my goal of goals.

     Don't tell me you don't have one yourself...

WHAT I AM DOING INSTEAD OF SLEEPING...

      David Wong wrote another of his insightful articles on Cracked the other day called, "5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women". Like it or hate it, it generated many thousands of comments in just a few days (over 8100 as of this posting). I don't really know what to say about it. I'm not gonna claim that it's 100% true but I'm also not gonna sit here and act like I didn't "get it" or otherwise intuitively understand where he was coming from with all of this. I took the time to read many of the articles comments. I'm not posting any of them here so you'll have to take my word for it. Instead I'm just going for my two bits.

      This is not my entire point of view, merely a part of it.

      I view women as a civilizing force for me. I'm not gonna claim all men but you are welcome to corroborate the assessment. Women are a virtuous force and I am actually referring to the Seven Heavenly Virtues (chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility). I say this as someone who has spent far too much of his time alone. I say this as a man who, when in the presence of women and especially those women he has become attracted to, feels compelled to be less me and more us. When alone, the temptations of the Seven Deadly Sins (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride) become ever more insistent. Repeated failure excites lust (not caring about her feelings for others and for the feelings others may have for her), sloth (desiring to get others to lay the groundwork for wooing her on my behalf because clearly I am failing with self-generated efforts), wrath (especially self-directed, but occasionally outwardly directed), envy (wanting to diminish the influence of or outright remove her friends and family because they're in "my" way), and especially pride (because well, I "deserve" her and I am superior to her other potential suitors and who is anyone to tell me I do not deserve a slice of happiness to call my own?!). Greed (desire, I suppose, to possess those things and attributes necessary to win her) and especially gluttony (I seriously don't know where gluttony would come in here...for her time, maybe?), play smaller roles...but they're all present.

      A woman I desire causes me to feel embarrassed that I should have ever wanted such awful and horrible things. A woman I desire makes me desire to become virtuous (though, like gluttony in the previous instance...not so much chastity ;-) ). Without one, I feel only the dark sides of my personality acting upon me, influencing me, and poisoning my thoughts. Even the mere hope of a woman (a crush) is enough to shine bright light upon those dark recesses and bring about a much needed yearning for positive change and growth and with each dashing of that hope comes a renewed vigor to tighten my selfish grip. The soil of my moon soul, though fertile, needs the light from the promise of her sun love to encourage and nourish the growth of mutualistic goals. Without her, only parasitic selfish notions may flourish...

INIMANDVS X

      Are there any women out there who actually date men? I think every woman I've talked to this century has only ever wanted to date cars and/or certain types of jobs. The man part seems incidental, if anything.

      I was talking to this girl on Plenty of Fish. She appeared out of nowhere, but unlike every other girl who's done so on that site, I was actually interested immediately upon reading her profile. Things progressed quickly and determinedly, just as I would prefer - fast enough to keep me from friendzoning her (I feel I should share here that my confidence is non-existent. It's been eroded away over the years unsurprisingly by the 100% rejection rate I have suffered this century so even a hint of doubt or delay on the girl's part and I'll defensively and emotionally distance myself from her in a perverse form of protection. The only exception comes from crushes whom as past entries in this series can attest, I will suffer any indignity and hardship in the pursuit of my goal) and not so fast that I couldn't keep up - it was great. We were quickly texting one and other and a date was actually set up for this coming Monday. Perfect. Curse over...finally. But then I made the mistake of looking forward to it and wouldn't you know, yesterday these doubts about my night job and lack of a car (which I am willing to work around and by work around, I don't mean "she can drive me places" - I'm willing to put the effort in and since I know being with me would be initially difficult, I'm willing to put in the extra sacrifice as well to cover for my shortcomings - But to no avail) crept up into the conversation and after airing her reservations, cancelled the date so as of now, I am still unstuck in time...it is still September 1991 for the part of my mind that undoubtedly houses my confidence. Even the Langoliers have forgotten about me...

      To be perfectly misogynistic for a moment, this is one of those times where I truly feel the average man is superior to the average woman. Speaking for me personally, I don't care if the woman I like lives at home or lives on her own (with or without roommates); I don't care if she has a car or, like me, never learned to drive; and I certainly don't care what kind of job she has or even if she has one. Bronx was all three of these things (lived at home, couldn't drive, and had no job) but I would've been totally willing to date her if she felt the same way about me. Would it have been difficult? Hell yes, but it's something I want so I'm willing to sacrifice and attempt to overcome the adversity because the reward is so great. The only thing I require of a woman is that I be physically attracted to her but I don't think that is too much to ask since I would want the girl I'm with to be attracted to me as well.

      Back to the drawing board...again...and a little weaker to show for it.

HEART OF FACEBOOK DARKNESS...

      I am finally in a depressed-enough position to present another edition of rejected Facebook posts. A girl took a sudden interest in me on Plenty of Fish, and though we had texted and actually talked, I fear once again I am a One-Call Wonder.

     As with previous posts (follow the tag), Facebook status updates get rejected due to changing circumstances, because they have fallen out of favor, or because I wrote too many on a single topic. I limit myself to a single update per day (if that) so multiple variations on a theme means many of these updates end up in "the pile". They get mixed up over time so I wouldn't concern yourself with chronology...

MOMENTOUS OCCASIONS...

      The more I think about it, the more I feel that I friendzone girls just as frequently and perhaps even more often than I am friendzoned by them. I couldn't tell you if this is so because I am afraid to enter into relationships for whatever reason or if it is more an effort on the part of my mind to preserve the status quo. Lacking knowledge of the former makes it difficult to prove/disprove the latter. Only circumstantial evidence can be offered.

      What I think I need to test this idea is something I've never had and that is the dual combination (is that redundant?) of a girl whom I find immediately attractive (let's say, 7+) and who is also rather aggressive in making an "us" happen. I say this because I've noticed in recent years and, as the memory is fresh, with Number Twelve that there is a certain momentum that builds when I'm becoming interested in a new girl and it's a momentum that cannot tolerate even the slightest stall. And even though I moved with Number Twelve much faster than I did with Digby, even she came with a stall that was enough to set a paralyzing doubt in motion. The week I had intended to ask her out coincided with the Halloween snowstorm that put dampeners on really anyone's plans but it was enough to make me question what I had been doing and whether or not this was the path I should be taking. I had managed to keep enough of my resolve to proceed anyway but I could feel it...I could feel this desire to not upset the established order and it was especially strong coming on the heels of the withering Digby crush. And while my momentum would ultimately be halted on account of her already having a boyfriend, I find that I'm perfectly fine with being friends with Number Twelve and I wonder why that should be.

      I have talked to girls via the online dating sites. I don't know what the limit is for messages before the momentum is lost and they are effectively friendzoned by me and I don't know how many times we can text/talk via the phone before it happens too. Honestly, I'm thinking it's three messages and one phone call. If she hasn't given me a number by her third message and if we have not set up a date (or even just a casual meet up) after the first call, I can feel my mind able to overcome her. That momentum is critical and it applies to other areas of my life as well. Take crying for instance...I rarely ever do and usually that is because it is resistible. In movies and television, it happens because the moment is interrupted by a visual like the camera changing to another view instead of lingering on the moment or from a change in music. In real life it happens because the person making me upset realizes this and halts their advance and even a moment's break is enough for me to regain my composure (only my Best Friend has ever resisted halting her advance...I respect her for that. I really do). And once I have my composure, I will never be able to get crying upset again over that. Basically, you have one chance to pierce my armor: I am the Shishio of emotional defense. This applies perhaps across the board. My anger is disrupted and dissipated by any type of distraction (though absurdity works best...anger seems most vulnerable to anything that forces me to think). My dreams are disrupted by insistence (i.e. logical contradictions or me trying to see something, especially a face, more clearly). Hope is disrupted by doubt. Joy is disrupted by seriousness. Sadness is disrupted by terror.

      So perhaps my attraction is thus disrupted by delay or repetition. I can't define an interaction so long as it is in motion. It is only through delay or through the formation of a pattern that I can mark a person as a friend, an ally, an enemy, a coworker, a friend of a friend, a girlfriend, etc. In other words, so long as you are in a state of flux, you can be anything to me. Chaos is your friend when assigning yourself in my otherwise orderly mind or rather, when not getting yourself assigned.

      I think thus that for a girl to become my girlfriend, she either can do nothing to halt her momentum or must circumvent all this nonsense by leapfrogging initial steps. The only circumvention I can think of is sex as it is something I do not expect of almost all types of interactions. It would be near-impossible to friendzone a girl I were attracted to if shortly after meeting, I knew unequivocally she were attracted to me. That, unfortunately, has never happened to me. I only give the idea credence because I think unusually. So while one-night-stand type behavior is generally considered a no-no for relationship-creation for most people, I am not most people. Treat me like most people and you will be friendzoned. Treat me like most people and you will bore me. Move faster than I can keep up with you and you can be whatever you want.

I GUESS BETTER NOW THAN THEN...

      Fuck! She changed her privacy settings! My days of passively cyberstalking Digby on Facebook are over. For a long time now, she had her profile set mostly to be viewable by "friends of friends" of which, I was. I deleted her back in about March 2011 and only then discovered this delightful exploit in her settings which allowed me to more calmly decompress after her leaving where I work. Having that access I guess could be likened to a nicotine patch that if I didn't have, I would've been considerably crazier in response.

      I was like that when she first deleted me back in 2008. This was before one of Facebook's controversial revamps - the one that defaulted everyone's privacy settings to "friends of friends" - so I lost access to her pictures and posts totally and I got quite obsessive watching her friends for any new picture posts with Digby in them. It was not a fun time. Eventually Digby and I reconciled and we refriended until 2011 when it all ended once and for all. I was happy to have continued access...until yesterday that is. Now all I can see is whatever her current profile picture is. I can't see her infuriating posts either (infuriating because she would lament for things that I knew damned well I could provide or was spouting philosophies which were exactly what I was doing to no avail...I'll consider posting some day...I have to remove her identity from the posts but leave enough to show it is her). It's all gone. Sigh...but better now, about six months after she quit than six days.

      She finally clicked on the privacy settings tab. Motherfucker! I got some good pictures over the months though :-)

INIMANDVS IX

While I have had some good days, I have not been happy for almost thirteen years.

HELPFUL TIP FOR THE LADIES

      This has happened to me twice in a row now. Hardly a trend, but no less annoying.

      What I am talking about is relationship statuses online...specifically Facebook since that is the hub website du jour of the internet. Don't be like Digby, who I know for a fact had three boyfriends over the past four years but never once changed her status from Single to In a Relationship with So&So. Sadly (and I say this for her), she could have avoided my numerous advances entirely had she been "In a Relationship with So&So". If a girl is taken, I'm not gonna hit on her (at least once I know). Now, maybe you don't want to change that little status marker for fear of the embarrassment that comes if and when it needs to be changed back to "Single", but there's a way around that.

      Number Twelve, while it listed "In a Relationship", made me question it because when I first friended her, she was listed as "Married" to one of her female best friends so when it switched to "In a Relationship", while a fair hint you might say, the fact that it had not indicated with whom and the fact that none of her friends "Liked" this change nor commented on it suggested to me that it might be a feint. I searched her pictures and saw nothing to indicate she actually had a boyfriend.

      This was also true of Digby. I know these boyfriends existed because I learned about them afterward through hearsay amongst her friends. But never once was a picture posted of her with one of these boys. And here is your helpful hint.

      Now, while I'm aware there are those guys who simply do not give a fuck and will proposition you anyway regardless of what you post, you can still relieve yourself of the headache of better mannered men by simply posting that you are "In a Relationship with So&So". The "with So&So" part is important as it puts a hope-killing fact right in your face. But there's a better way...a blunter way.

       What you do is, create a photo album with just one picture in it of you and your boyfriend. Label him as your boyfriend whether by name or by status. Secondly, call the album something very in-your-face like "I Have a Boyfriend So Leave Me The Fuck Alone". Simple. Elegant. Blunt.

       Now, if you're the type who posts a lot of picture albums, just remember to add a photo to it once-in-a-while to keep it up to date. You can leave the total photo count at one, but make sure it remains visible.

       Thank you.

      And yes, should I ever get a girlfriend, you can be damned sure I will enjoy posting just such an album myself for the sheer pleasing arrogance of it.

ODDS & ENDS

      I have a growing pile of discarded Facebook status updates that are no longer postable as the time for them has passed or they weren't funny enough or because I try to only post one depressing status update when I'm sad rather than like ten in-a-row over the course of a day so I don't worry my friends both real and Facebook-only.

      Here goes...

PRISMATIC THINKING

      The normally white light of my thoughts during periods of self-reflection is often broken down to reveal the colors within. I like to think of my thoughts as the combination of three aspects: my Body, my Heart, and my Mind and this triangle is made tetrahedronal with the addition of the Voice.

      Now, before you go thinking me crazy, I know all of what I'm about to say is just my brain. I just find it easier to understand myself and motivations when considering my actions as though manifested from the result of a compromise between the three aspects and their ultimate expression.

      I think of my Body as my physical reaction to things, especially the involuntary public ones like blushing, disgust, terror, genuine smiles, and flop sweat and equally involuntary private ones like hunger, low-intensity pain, and attraction (I'm sure you can think of many others).  While I have voluntary control over my movements and such, I have no such control over these kinds of reactions. They're about as natural as they come and since these reactions are worn on my sleeve, I tend to not like my Body so much being the secretive, cryptic man I am. I consider no wonder that I don't like looking at people directly when talking with them, preferring instead to do so over the phone or through IM chats where I can better hide my Body from others. I'm not ashamed of my body, I just wish I had more control over it. I don't like revealing "the truth" so readily and the Body is a ready betrayer of such truths.

      The Heart is the source of involuntary passionate/active (hot, often reactionary) emotions and the Mind is the source of willed logical/passive (cold, often strategic) ones. Whereas the Heart may become enraged and want to act on it now (and the Body might shake with anger and surge with adrenaline and testosterone), the Mind would be more concerned with revenge and wait for a good opportunity to strike. The Heart is spontaneous/intuitive whereas the Mind is deliberate/observant. I also view the Heart as having a more selfless sensibility and the Mind as being more inherently selfish. And by that I mean that even though the desires of the Heart would be validly considered to be just as selfish as the desires of the Mind, the Heart's impulsiveness gives the feelings more of an air of altruism. The desires of the Heart spring from the gut, not from thought. You get combined emotions too with one of the two halves tending to be dominant. Cyber-Stalking, for example, is a deliberate action coupled with a(n unhealthy) passion. The Mind-dominant dual emotion poisons the Heart and vice-versa (like guilt which is a Heart-dominant emotion that poisons the Mind). There are mutually beneficial dual emotions too no doubt, but since I tend to focus on the negative, I'm having trouble thinking of any at the moment.

      Of the three, I find the strongest in me to be my Mind and that doesn't make me feel good about myself. Of the three groups, only the Mind can speak English (or whatever language(s) you speak) whereas the Heart can only understand it. This ability to speak makes the Mind, in my opinion, the source of selfishness and evil. And for the sake of this article, "evil" means thoughts whose realization would make me the sole benefactor or the only one considered for satisfaction. For example, I would consider an increased interest in a girl because she has problems which can be exploited to be evil thoughts since I would be viewing her as tool or means to an end which benefits myself rather than as a human being deserving of kindness and compassion. My Mind doesn't view people as people, but more like numbers and equations which can be manipulated to some end. My Heart sees people. My Mind sees you and thinks, "Who are you?" whereas my Heart asks, "What do you want?" and my Body concerning itself with neither.

      I am glad to have the friends I have because the vast majority of them I believe are Heart-dominant. They keep me human or at least feeling more human. It feels more natural to be dominated by the Heart and have it supplemented with the Mind.

      The Heart and Mind are ultimately expressed by the Voice. Whereas the Body cannot lie, the Voice is able to do so. That's not to say the Voice is a liar, only that it can lie. The Voice is your actual spoken voice, which unlike the Body, is voluntary. The Voice is how you choose to express the turmoil between your Heart and Mind. The Voice makes the choice.

      I feel my Mind was primarily attracted to Digby, and because of the way it went down and ultimately ended, I find that I hate her while remaining strongly attracted to her. This poisons my Heart's remaining desire for her leaving me in strong depressive states when exposed to her.

       I'm so tired now. I'll post and (possibly) elaborate later...

Z'HA'DUM

      I want to see her again and by her, I mean the First One. I know I will likely never see her again in life nor do I hold any belief that she and I could actually ever have something together, but I want to see her again. This always happens. Every time I am set back by one of my crushes, she comes to mind. She's a home of sorts. A place to return to when my delusions of love have again been crapped upon. It's some perverse gesture of respect I suppose. I wish to return to the one who got this crazy train of desire rolling. The one for whom I created a coded alphabet for so I could write about her in front of everyone and have no one know. The one for whom I created a spoken language so even my thoughts of her could remain unknown to those listening in. The one who is the standard candle by which I measure attraction and desirability. The most beautiful of them all. The one I have not seen in over fifteen years...she still lives on within me. The crush itself is asleep: it awaits her return. All the other crushes have died, currently except for Digby...or are on life support like Rabbit and my other college crush. But hers remains like some spellbound dragon. Digby will one day join her...eventually...after fighting tooth and nail. That crush too, will become frozen in time.

      I wish the First One had a Facebook account. She has an unused MySpace account that was cast adrift the day she signed up for it. No pictures were ever posted. The last images I have of her are from my video yearbook. But I did hear the Mystic tell me that she has seen her; that she once had a Facebook account; that people she knows are friends of hers. I admit I am strongly tempted to ask this of her...to find her. I want to see her again.

DESIGNATED ASSHOLE

      This is something I have thought about for some time but don't know if I can successfully describe it. I've had this thought before Digby came onto the scene though she's helped keep it in the forefront lately. It's this idea that we all have a touch of evil within us, regardless of how good or well-behaved we are. It's definitely related to the desire to say or do inappropriate things in formalized or ritualistic settings like at a funeral or wedding. Maybe it's just me since I have this extreme balancing desire within me. Maybe you only have these thoughts if you're a negotiator or compromiser by nature, I don't know. I just can't stand anything going too far to either extreme. But then, it may be a very old behavior indeed. After all, the universe itself was formed and continues to be shaped by instabilities within otherwise ordered media. It may be a truly primeval feeling...to use a touch of chaos to bring about changes to an otherwise static event or existence. Anyways...

      One of the things about Digby that keeps my mood crashing into the ground is how EVERYONE at work (and that may not actually be an exaggeration) gets to talk and laugh with her; how she'll dedicate a little time each night she's there to talk to each and every one of them (some longer than others); how she'll say goodnight to everyone (and for some, she'll hug them as well)...but not me. I'm treated like I don't exist...as though acknowledging my existence would be beneath her. And while it's safe to say there is a more reasonable explanation for this, I can't help but feel like I'm the designated asshole of this situation.

      What do I mean by this? It's this idea that, no one person could ever be totally nice to everyone...as though to be nice to all without exception would result in a kind of psychic sickness that could only be remedied by behaving exactly oppositely, thus destroying (or at least severely damaging) many friendships and relationships, if the negative pressure (psychic energy, whatever...I don't care what you call it) building up were not released. But the thing is, it has to be genuine. You can't be an asshole to someone who deserves it because that doesn't destroy the impulse. Being an asshole to someone who deserves it is just. It doesn't negate the impulse within. To rid oneself of this disturbance requires a victim.

       Now, you probably don't want your friends, family, lover(s) to see you like this so it has to be someone outside those groups or at least only peripherally attached. Maybe you're heckling a comedian onstage or teasing a baby or being rude to a waiter/waitress or whatever, but the point is, you need to someone for whom you know your assholery will (or at least could) hurt otherwise there will be no satisfaction for this urge. In my sadness, I feel Digby has made me her Designated Asshole. I bring the necessary balance to her mind so that she can continue to be friendly and warm with everyone else. She knows she hurts me and it delights that part of her which needs such callousness. Hurray?

       I know I've done this myself...probably more times than I would like to admit. This may be where my psychologically damaged mind comes in, I'm thinking. I'm used to being left alone and being unwanted so woe be to those few who try to get through...especially if they are weak-willed. Nothing like a soft target upon whom to heap undeserved scorn reaped from mental fields sown with bitterness and envy, right? It's so perverse really. When I tell people that I reward persistence, I tend to leave out the part where I'm gonna be anywhere from a bit to quite an asshole toward you. But persist and eventually I'll come around; feel guilty about my treatment of you; and that guilt, being an unstable emotion like hope, will decay into loyalty (or regret if you actually don't put up with my bullshit...which you probably shouldn't. I mean, afterall, why reward my assholery regardless of knowing I'm pretty much yours forever if you do? It's a pretty shitty way to go about things).

       How sad to have become so prejudiced that I cannot accept the idea that someone would or even could, actually like me, want me, spend time with me, fuck me, etc. Cuz that's always good, y'know, to push away someone who's just trying to love me because I have this insane "need" to prove to myself that my pursuer's feelings are for real. It makes sense in its own stupid way, I suppose. To me, if you really liked me, you would keep trying because, well, that's what I do. I hate flaky people. What? Because I didn't smile back or I barely acknowledged your existence when you meekly said hello to me, that means I don't like you and that you no longer like me or at least feel you should no longer try? Even just thinking about this now is infuriating me and I'm just being conceptual. It doesn't even make sense to me. How can you say you like someone if a mere setback is enough for you to call off the chase? Unless you're told "No" or it would be inappropriate to continue (like they have a boy/girlfriend, are married, or are gay), why give up? And I feel compelled to keep doing it this way because loyalty matters to me...like, a lot. Understand, I don't mean unquestioning loyalty because that's just stupid. I mean the kind of loyalty where you don't ...well, I guess like the traditional marriage vows. You stick with that person in sickness and health, whether wealthy or poor, through good times and bad. I need a compelling reason to surrender, not a bullshit one. I need someone I know I can depend on when it matters because anyone can be there for you when the weather's fair.

       Eh, my focus has clearly drifted. What else is new with this stupid blog? I'll just leave it like this and hope there's a nugget of sense somewhere within it for whomever is actually bothering to read this shit. Such is my mind - a chaos of partially formed ideas, bizarre thoughts, and an inability to accept that others could actually give a fuck even when it's unmissably right there in front of me...

INIMANDVS VIII

      Being mad and sad at the same time is always an odd experience which gives birth to thoughts I did not know I was capable of having. It bugs the shit out of me that my creativity is so locked with these down states. The feelings are so self-destructive, yet I'm in awe of their occasional brilliance. This down state produced nothing brilliant, but it was an interesting thought nonetheless...to me anyway.

      Digby is the highly volatile fuel currently powering these states. Again I find myself wishing suffering on her which I admit bothers me. I mean, how can I claim to be in love with her if I am actively wanting her to pay for her perceived sins? I am fast walking up to the abyss that will become the official dividing line of both my crush on her and the sheer amount of my life I have wasted trying to get a girl I want to want me. I am currently about three months away from it being twenty years since the first girl I wanted, Patient Zero, rejected me. This milestone should be an insignificant one, merely a footnote in one's personal history, but since she would actually be the first in a series of unbroken rejections, it has come to be a representative symbol of just how much of a loser I am and continue to be. I feel myself scrambling for something, anything that will allow me to rationalize the past four years as not a waste but I cannot see how that could be done.

      Digby has served to reinforce my feelings of ugliness and while some of you might object to this assessment, I stand by the notion that "If nobody wants you, it's the same as being ugly." Digby has reinforced the feeling in me that I am outranked by everyone and by that I mean not only with her specifically --- believe me, it hurts me to no end to see EVERYONE I work with talk to her all buddy-buddy like (I thought that was an exaggerated observation made in sadness, but I have yet to see anyone I work with not talk and laugh with her). There's not one person who loves me more than her. They all know how much I am hurt by her, but not a single one has shunned her for my sake. That's not something you can ask for or even demand from friends, it has to spontaneously happen such an act of solidarity but God-forbid they not get their chance to bask in her glory. Believe me, I understand the desire...I still feel it daily but am denied it. I suffer alone in a kind of Purgatory, forced to endure an existence whereby I must abide an absence of her affection and approval all the while remembering what it once felt like to have (however briefly back in April 2008). I wish I mattered enough that hurting me would result in some, if not all, of the people I consider friends or allies shunning the one who hurt me but that will never happen.

      But the other aspect I was alluding to is akin to the three-body problem in physics. If it is just me and one other person in the room, that person will talk to me and engage me in conversation. However, add a third person to the mix, no matter who that person is, and I will become the odd-man out. I'm never more important than another. I have yet to find an exception to this...even when I am with my Best Friend (though to her credit, she won't practically forget I am even there). It's like no one notices or they don't care that I am no longer speaking. Add a fourth person, and those three will form a group which I will be (almost) completely shut out of. Understand, this isn't maliciously done on their part (I hope!)...it's just what happens. It's a very lonely feeling... I admit I am weak when it comes to conversational skills but it remains nevertheless, a lonely feeling.

     On a simpler note, Digby reinforced the notion that I am not worth being told "No" to; that I am not enough of a human being to be afforded that basic courtesy. And yes, I get it, it's not an easy thing to do but if you're not interested, you HAVE to tell the person asking you out especially if the man asking you out is lonely and feels he lacks options. Every day you don't tell him you're definitely not interested (none of this 99.99% shit either because that 0.01% WILL be clung to) is another day strengthening the emotional connection to you. And you certainly don't agree to go out on a date, stand me up, apologize saying that you'll make it up to me, agree to go out with me again, and subsequently stand me up again. I believe that Digby and I are compatible. I'd be at a loss as to how exactly to plot that out on a chart or graph or how to produce conclusive evidence of it. I hate relying on the "understanding" of it that I claim but I don't know what else to say. I know it's a fairly rare feeling and it's occasionally frustrating. There's a woman I work with whose twelve years my senior that I also know would be good for me (whether I would be good for her is an open question) and I would totally go for her if she weren't married and with four kids. But not every girl I've wanted has produced these feelings.

      Some of my crushes were admittedly strongly lustful, a couple were rather fanciful. That's the way it goes. But I have walked away from girls I've wanted. Rabbit just might be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, even more than The First One, but the more I spoke to her, the more I understood that it would never work and it hurts for me to admit that because goddamn is she hot. I cannot even begin to fathom the amount of win she would represent as a compatible (and more importantly willing) girlfriend. It's arguable Digby came to this same conclusion before I asked her out, but remember, she never told me no. It sucks walking away, but I think it important that I mention that this does happen.

      However all this depressing shit led to me wondering if it were possible to mathematically determine one's attractiveness because another one of those dark realizations I had was that I have been working in my store now for ten years. I have easily worked with about a thousand girls (yes, some would have to be discounted due to age/marital status). Not a single one has ever expressed interest in me and not a single one I have been interested in has ever reciprocated it. And this is to say nothing of the likely tens of thousands of female customers (same restrictions as the workplace ones) I've had over those years as well but I won't count them for this argument though I probably should since two of my customers did flirt with me for a little while before the one rejected me and the other moved on. When I was in college, I had three girls take an interest in me, all of whom were ultimately rejected whether the reasoning was sound or not (mostly not...I was an idiot, I admit it and handled them all poorly).

      What I was thinking was you get your attractiveness or Desirability Index (in the form of a percentage) by taking the ratio of the [(number of girls who accepted me ÷ number of girls I've wanted) + (number of girls who have petitioned me ÷ estimated available local population)] / 2.

      So my tentative numbers from college would be [0 + 3/4000*] / 2 which would give me a Desirability Index of .000375 or approximately 4 hundredths of a percent. This number is entirely unfair I admit and in sore need of refining. I guess a better number for the latter argument would be assuming a percentage of the local population based on the number of girls I actually wanted (even if only a little). Let's say that number is 30. Now it's safe to say that I would accept more girls who expressed an interest in me than I would accept if I were the one doing all the work. But what should that factor be? Two, three, four? I'll say four in that I believe that there are four times as many girls I would give a chance to if only they would ask for one versus the number of girls I'm willing to take a chance myself. Using that metric, my Desirability Index improves to [0 + 3/120] / 2 which would make my DI** 1¼% which is better but still quite shitty.

      Well, it's getting late (for me anyways). I must go cook dinner. If this stupid idea has potential, I'll elaborate on it upon request though odds are, I'll explore it on my own without prompt. Good day reader(s)!

______________________________________________________________
* student population of my college is listed at approximately 8000 students. I'm assuming a 50/50 split of the sexes to get 4000 potentials.

** calling it DI makes it sound hipper.

MOX ANIMVS MEVS QVIESCET...

      I found out last week that Digby put in her notice to quit so starting July 18th, she will no longer be almost daily refreshing in my mind. She, like all those who came before her, will now drift, being no longer tethered to my present experience, into the haze of the past.

      I will always be in love with her somewhat. I can't see how I wouldn't be and she was a strong one too...perhaps the strongest of them all. Most of my crushes have "died" or are nearly so. Of The Eleven, four remain asleep (soon to be joined by Digby as a fifth) though for two of them, their pulses are exceedingly faint (only a lustful remnant remains), another, Patient Zero, would awaken if a real possibility could be had, and the remaining one, The First One, would awaken simply in her presence as though the past fifteen years away from her had never happened. Though that makes her dangerous, I feel such an awakened crush to be highly vulnerable to reality seeing as how she was idolized and idealized by me at the time rather than actually investigated for compatibility.

     Digby will likely become like The First One but only time will tell. I am still a month away before it will begin to weaken and who knows how much longer after that until it falls asleep, remaining dormant for her return...even if it never happens.

OXYGEN TO SILICON BABY...

      I had an idea last night and it has me excited for the first time in a while. It was one of those Dr. House moment-of-insight type moments. While at work, and slowly being overcome by my proximity to Digby, I found myself talking to another cashier who, whether serious or not, has suggested hooking me up with a girl he knows. He said though he might consider making an exception this time, that there are two girls at work whom he would consider dating though he is generally against that idea (something that I am not by the way). Turns out (and this does not surprise me) that one of those girls is Digby. I quickly mentioned that we have a mutual interest. Now I don't know if this is a "bros before hos" thing or if he was being serious, but he did boastfully say that he could bring her around and asked if I would like him to talk to her on my behalf to which I said, "Of course" and that I would owe him a favor (and that's coming from someone who despises being obligated to others) if he could manage to pull it off. This created some volatile hope within me which pulled my mood back up from falling to teetering, but it was enough.

      Then I remembered while at a barbecue last evening with friends, there was a book about the Vietnam Conflict on the table and I connected the two dots: Vietnam was basically the United States versus the Soviets with the Soviets using the Vietnamese as proxies since our two countries could not engage each other directly without serious and credible threats of nuclear war. And it occurred to me that while I enlisted the moral support of my workplace friends in my efforts with Digby, I demanded that they take no direct role as this was my job ultimately (although I think RedMom took it further, though secretly, than I would have preferred at the time). However, on the chess board of life, Digby made me a king and what sucks about that is the king may not move in such a way so as to put himself in danger. I'm not allowed to engage her directly anymore, but what if, through proxies, I could get her to put herself in a position where I would have to make a move as it would be the only option?

      In retrospect, I wonder why I didn't think of this idea before (or did I dismiss the option so soon after my infatuation blossomed that I had forgotten about it)? It's so obvious...

      Anyways, so this is where I'm at and I have already enlisted more reliable proxies than this cashier will likely turn out to be. RedMom is the primary (as she has been rooting for this along with me since the beginning) and there are several others who have a friendship with her that I can use to my advantage. RedMom has continued (much to my chagrin at the time of my fall three months ago) to talk to Digby and get to know her so I spent my time catching up on this knowledge and working out ways to exploit it. I am invigorated. I have learned that she does feel (at least a little) bad about everything and that she's actually nervous to be around me as a result (I have really been down and unresponsive to both her and pretty much everyone for a significant portion of the past 88 days) which suggests to both her and me that she must feel something for me otherwise why would it concern her at all? I harbor a lot of guilt from many (sometimes stupid) things/events over my long years but when it comes to two of the four girls who've come on to me, I do not regret the way I treated them even though I know my behavior hurt the first one was atrocious both in retrospect and at the time. So if even a modicum of guilt might be exploited to my benefit, I'm in. She also has a stressful, possibly turbulent, relationship with her father and based on descriptions from RedMom, show that I could very well be a desirable oasis if presented properly.

      So the goal now is to use my proxies to get her to both reinitiate contact with me and to take it to the next level I so far failed to accomplish for the past 3½ years (she's gonna have to ask me out this time). While RedMom et al. will be in contact with me behind the scenes, I have no intention of treating her any differently until it is time. I just hope I can pull off what I've been doing practically instinctually for the past three months since now I have some hope to prop me up.

      No surrender, no retreat! (although this time I really have no idea what I could try to do should this effort fail) I look forward to the coming days for the first time since February. I hope you guys can pull it off. As much as I hate saying it, I'm counting on you...

      And by the way, I know that this can't possibly work and that I'm pathetic but I have to try. I would not be able to forgive myself if I did not.