I find myself wavering lately on Digby. I don't know if this is yet another example of me being afraid of success or a bid by my mind to commit a kind of emotional seppuku. They seem equally valid possibilities given both the history of my confidence and my history with her.
Yes, I do tend to get apprehensive when facing success (or anything new generally) and while I'm sure I've talked myself out of my fair share of things I've desired, I do know that once I get past the tipping point of potential to kinetic energy, that I find myself adapting quickly and coming to like what it is I am now doing. However, it's also true that I have asked her out more than once before. I asked Digby out, she accepted, and then (I'll be generous this time) she got cold feet and never showed.
When confronted, she had no real answer for why she did so and would never look me in the eyes while dancing around her non-explanations. She's never told me off to my face nor has she actively discouraged me from continuing to try. The closest I ever got was an IM session where she used the "we're completely different people" thing which came across similarly to her roundabout explanations from her getting cold feet. It's strange. I would think the common advice would be to simply give up and walk away; that it's not worth it. Yet, I can't help but feel that she's afraid...not afraid of me, but afraid of...let's say life or feels that she's undeserving of happiness. She's clearly depressed and I do see the way I think when I'm down in the way she acts and reacts. I wish I weren't at work when talking to her so I could concentrate my efforts on her instead of always looking over my shoulder for any managers seeing me not at my station or simply not working. I also feel compelled to apologize to all those who have dealt with me in my down periods. I see now just how frustrating it is when seen from the other side. Thank you for being patient with me...
Still, despite my projecting onto her sadness, I can't help but feel I'm trying to hurt myself as well. I have three examples of her rebuffing me so why exactly am I attempting a fourth? That has me puzzled as well. Am I right about her? I'm certain that the answer is yes, but what exactly is the question I'm asking? Am I right that I can get her to accept me into her life or am I right that I'm attempting to deliberately hurt myself again because I already know she will hurt me again? Never forget, despite the fact that I feel better now [read: for the time being] does not mean that I am comfortable feeling this way. I've spent the greater part of my life being used to failure in one form or another. I can't help but feel my current feeling good is more a cover for something more nefarious.
I felt my thoughts about her wavering earlier this week. My thoughts feel like a Fun House's Hall of Mirrors where I can reflect upon my thoughts; watch them interact with each other and be distorted by the influence of my desires, intentions, concerns, and virtues. The source of the wavering felt like a gap in the mirrors and through that gap, it feels as though I can perceive in that darkness the man behind the curtain. Perhaps there is nothing there, but it is a place upon which I may project my fears and the lack of a reflection from that gap does nothing to quiet them.
I don't know what will happen next but I can't say that I'm happy with the two choices currently available to me which are quitting her or risking another long down period from openly pursuing her. It's truly a time I wish a third option would present itself to me. I wouldn't mind a distraction from my current goal with Digby, but no one has come about in the three years and five months since I've first become attracted to her. It would be nice to come under the influence of another.
I would take that feeling in of itself as a sign that I should simply quit her, but I can't help but feel that this feeling is also that test of faith and that I mustn't back down just yet.
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