LINE OF THE DAY, part XLI

(from wendigo, a commenter on Cracked.com)

The spiders had been acting odd.

As far as I was concerned, everything about the damned pests was strange. This was different, though. On the first morning, day one, they started emerging from their hiding spots and abandoned their webs.

Black Widows, Orb Weavers, they all exposed themselves to any number of would-be predators.

You could barely walk through your yard without entangling yourself in the near-invisible threads they'd cast out into the breeze. It was as if a thousand tiny, inverted fishermen had dropped their hooks into the sky.

The web (of course) lit up with chatter. It was happening anywhere you'd expect to find arachnids. Within minutes, all the "Ask" sites and insect expert message boards filled up with annoyed queries.

"What are they doing?"

"Is this happening to anyone else?"

"Is this happening everywhere?!"

The true shock was still to come, as the creatures simultaneously reeled themselves UP those threads. It was an Indian Rope Trick to stupefy entomologists the world over.

The consensus at that point? Well, at least they're gone.

Then the sky began to cloud over.

Some caught on quicker than others. A few folks in my neighborhood, not necessarily ignorant folks, looked upward and determined a storm had set in. Myself, I immediately recognized the wrongness of it all.

The sunlight was being blotted out, ever so slightly, by one tremendous dome of webbing.

A plane came down over the hills near my house, its engines clogged with soft gauze and mashed spiders.

Five days in, birds started disappearing. Their songs all but ceased, and the only sign of their existence was the stray tiny, hollow bone that would drop from high above.

Dark spots could be observed with the naked eye. Using powerful binoculars or a telescope showed the viewer a myriad of small, cocooned bodies floating motionless in a lofty, darkening haze. Sparrows, Crows, Hawks, and even Bats became entangled in the grim construction.

Flights were cancelled soon after the original rash of crashes. Pilots thought they could simply break through the paltry web-work of such insignificant beings. Nearly ten thousand dead passengers and crew said otherwise.

The last plane to be cleared for take-off was the rare exception. There was a roar, a violent shrieking of engine blades, and then it just stopped.

It hung there, diagonally, until the entire thing was cocooned above our heads.

The bones that fell to the ground after that did not belong to birds.

It was after a week that "Arachnocalypse", as a term, had been officially coined. Newspapers and television networks spat the phrase out at every opportunity, and it took its rightful place alongside "Snowmageddon", and the rest.

For what it's worth, I think we could've made do, as a species, without use of the sky. Even though the haze grew thicker and our world grew darker every day, there were rain storms and natural collapses to give us small breaks in construction.

The rain, by the way, would come through cloudy and slick. I didn't want to know why.

The real problem, the one we couldn't work around as easily, was the spiders that remained on land. The jumping spiders, the hunting spiders, the tarantulas, all of those who seemed to have evolved past web-weaving.

They could produce some silk, but beyond that they were at a loss. You could almost feel sorry for them, standing tall on leaves and branches, preparing for an ascent that was never coming.

I heard stories about scorpions doing the same thing, but I never saw any proof for myself.

It was almost as if they knew. It seemed to drive them mad. When they weren't stoically waiting for their strands to take root above, they attacked and bit without any sense of reason.

I lost my pet, a loyal and loving Bulldog. She came in one night covered in clinging spiders, bites all over her body. Within moments, before I could even think of who to call (Vet? Poison hotline?) she collapsed and stopped breathing.

Daddy Longlegs... I don't even know if they were in on the plan, whatever it was. They seemed to cluster in homes, crawling over people as they slept, creating vast hordes of staring, though seemingly eyeless little horrors positioned on faces and chests.

When the things weren't engaged in frightening us to death, they would simply gather on ceilings and randomly "squat" upward as if it were some elaborate spectacle the human brain couldn't comprehend.

On the thirty-second day, when the Governments finally began working on possible solutions, everything changed yet again.

The Widowers crawled out from places unseen.

A Widower, about the size and shape of a man, seemed to have no interest in joining the growing, breeding masses in the skies. The black, armor-plated arachnid creatures only displayed one common goal.

Ensnaring us.

Daytime, as dark as it had become, was the only time it was relatively safe to go out. At night, Widowers could be all around you... in the trees, in crevices... and you'd never suspect. The last thing you'd see was the red hourglass on their abdomens.

That, and not-quite-human hands scrambling for your hair, your loose clothing, anything within reach.

Abandoned buildings were just as bad as the outdoors. I was with a group... I want to say this was about two months along... and we all took shelter in an old doll factory when it grew dark and we couldn't walk any longer.

The dismembered baby dolls, with their dark streaks of venom and plastic flesh wounds should've turned us away. Still, the webs they levitated in seemed old and abandoned. We figured the Widowers had their run of the place and long since moved on.

I didn't wake up to screaming.

It's weird to say that.

I wish I had woken up to screaming.

Instead, I lazily opened my eyes around what I assume to be Midnight. I reached out for a bottle of water, only to draw back a hand covered in burning, dark yellow venom.

I don't know if you've ever seen a bug trapped in a spider's cocoon. All they can do is silently rock. Back and forth, back and forth, bending at the middle. Sometimes there'll be a single free limb or antenna that waves around, trying to feel out any sign of help.

It's the same with people.

I'll have to live out the rest of my days remembering that sight. I'll have to live with the fact I ran away and left them there. People who had pulled me out of a burning truck. People who fed and clothed me when I had nothing.

There was nothing I could do. Logically, I know that.

The red hourglasses were already descending around me, and no matter what form it takes, an hourglass means time is running out.

My time.

Everyone's time.

THE PANIC OF HAPPINESS...

     I was rereading (after having been reminded of it) this Cracked article by John Cheese on the "5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor" and the thought just occurred to me...I want to spend any and all happiness I acquire right goddamned now!

     In the article Mr. Cheese says:

When a windfall check is dropped in your lap, you don't know how to handle it. Instead of thinking, "This will cover our rent and bills for half a year," you immediately jump to all the things you've been meaning to get, but couldn't afford on your regular income. If you don't buy it right now, you know that the money will slowly bleed away to everyday life over the course of the next few months, leaving you with nothing to show for it. Don't misunderstand me here, it's never a "greed" thing. It's a panic thing. "We have to spend this before it disappears."

     I think that's how I've come to look at my happiness too. I'm usually feeling anywhere from neutral to lonely so when a windfall opportunity for happiness gets dropped on my figurative lap, I feel the same way about it. I don't want to ration it or save it for the future because even though I know that would be a good idea and that I will surely need this happiness then, I'm afraid it will be bled out by my life's everyday circumstances before I ever get a chance to properly experience it.

     What ends up happening is my normally patient self gets overwhelmed by this desire to spend my happiness right fucking now and that usually results in that opportunity being squandered. It sucks and I really don't know how to not do that.

      I've been fortunate these past two weeks. I've met a girl at work - a customer of mine. We've been talking. We've even met up already. I want to see her, like, all the time. I want to rush through the opening stages of this potential relationship to get to the middle part already: I want the foundation already laid. That part where we already know we like each other and already know we want to be together...that part where we're building on that foundation.

       I hate being this impatient and wanting to move things along even more rapidly than I am comfortable with. I hate what it reveals about me and what it suggests about me. But I also don't want to fuck it up, so I'm being patient...

COMMENTER NON GRATA

      It seems Cracked.com's head editor, David Wong, has had it out for commenters on his site for some time. I'm not sure he's ever liked them and even if you had doubts, when you find yourself being referred to as a cancer, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
      I understand his reasoning and examples of asshats abound. Cracked.com works very hard at removing bad comments (ones which insult or threaten the writer or are blatantly racist, homophobic, misogynistic, etc. --- criticism is okay, don't worry). We see a relatively clean comments section because moderators behind the scenes work so hard to keep it that way. The site has grown impressively in the past six years so it's not like alienating the small commenting community would make a difference at all. Still...I don't like it.

     While yes, I am offended at being viewed this way, I'm also realizing that far too much of my time is being devoted to that site. I didn't even realize it until I read about Cracked's growth that they've gone from publishing about six articles/videos a week to six articles/videos a DAY. The site, which I've been following for about three years now, has slowly been encroaching on my available time. It takes up too much now and I've known this for a while but just kinda accepted it.
      And because the comments tended to be spectacular, I would find myself reading "meh" articles simply to enjoy the top comments.

      With Mr. Wong's hatred of us commenters (I'm not a good one, but I do participate when I can), I think it's time I inspire myself to move on and be a part of that site far less frequently. Other things in my life are suffering as a result.
      I removed Cracked's page from my Facebook and Twitter feeds. That way, I won't be so often reminded of the site. It's a shame though, because I've made a couple of real-life friends as a result of comments made. I'll do what I can to return to the site only at my leisure rather than as a daily occurrence.

      I went through this with Gawker some time back. I enjoyed commenting on their often political posts anonymously so I wouldn't be judged on my sex, race, religion, etc. I had no desire to connect my Gawker account to my other accounts and when that became a requirement to post a comment, I simply stopped going to the site. (Gawker is also known for hating its commenters)

      Cracked may end up joining this website.

      Perhaps it will be best for me too. I'll get back to what I've been putting off for far too long now and perhaps find something new to do.

       We'll see...

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXXIII

From commenter Heras-clitus on the article 5 Reasons to Be Terrified That Computers Can Now Read Faces on Cracked.com (forgoing the usual centering and italicizing since it would interrupt the flow of the comment):

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell ......check
Blue skies from pain ......check
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail? .....check
A smile from a veil? .....check
Do you think you can tell? check and confirmed

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts? ......Transaction complete
Hot ashes for trees? ......Confirmed
Hot air for a cool breeze? .....Action in progress
Cold comfort for change? .......Processing
And did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For a lead role in a cage? .....virtual monitoring successfully uploaded, consciousness
currently updating

How I wish, how I wish you were here .....localization routine complete
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl .....containment verified
Year after year .....time stamp comfirmed
Running over the same old ground ......optimizing course corrections
What have we found? ......updating data categories
The same old fears ......boasting Gherlin and Serotonin intakes
Wish you were here ......creating live uplink, holograms and neural real time
connections. YOU ARE NOW HERE.

Bra-vo...


"Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXXII

From this article on Cracked "5 Inspiring True Stories for Anyone Feeling Cynical Today", there appeared this, by commenter Thunderous, in the comments section:

#5 is just perfect. Mister Rogers was perhaps the greatest person to walk this planet for hundreds of years- he was kind, gentle, humble and he loved everybody. And because I can't see his name without thinking of this story, I'd like to share what happened when he was awarded a Lifetime Achievement Emmy:

Mister Rogers went onstage to accept the award — and there, in front of all the soap opera stars and talk show sinceratrons, in front of all the jutting man-tanned jaws and jutting saltwater bosoms, he made his small bow and said into the microphone, "All of us have special ones who have loved us into being. Would you just take, along with me, ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are. Ten seconds of silence."
And then he lifted his wrist, looked at the audience, looked at his watch, and said, "I'll watch the time." There was, at first, a small whoop from the crowd, a giddy, strangled hiccup of laughter, as people realized that he wasn't kidding, that Mister Rogers was not some convenient eunuch, but rather a man, an authority figure who actually expected them to do what he asked. And so they did. One second, two seconds, three seconds — and now the jaws clenched, and the bosoms heaved, and the mascara ran, and the tears fell upon the beglittered gathering like rain leaking down a crystal chandelier. And Mister Rogers finally looked up from his watch and said softly "May God be with you," to all his vanquished children

There was a follow-up comment (on a different comment) by commenter Cobra-D that I also liked about Mr. Rogers: "No, no [Mr. Roger]'s not [an ex-marine]. Just a saint among us heathens"


Mr. Roger's Neighborhood opening theme

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXXI

Courtesy of commenter Onslaught from this video on Cracked:

Yes but there are differences between women and men. That's just reality. There's differences between black culture and white culture. That's just reality. Yes you see black characters that have traits of black culture (traits? What do I mean by that? Think Obama replying with "nah we straight" when offered change by a shopkeeper) and it doesn't mean anything. It's not racist it's just reality. Why do we have to portray women as men and black people as white in order to not be sexist/racist? Do you not see the sexism/racism in that? Ah, whatever.

And in case it wasn't clear, that Obama example actually happened.

to which later s/he responded:

The stereotypes of males and females account for the majority of males and females. That's just being real. It's not like a small criminal element of the black community making all black people get labelled the same, these are actually pretty damn accurate. Can it even be called a stereotype when it fits the majority, if not all, of the group (the group in question being heterosexual males/females only)? Is it a stereotype to say the sky is blue? Is it a stereotype to say water is a liquid?

Sure, some straight women might fight these 'stereotypes' because they've been trained from birth to see femininity as weakness instead of having its own unique power but that's an active choice on their part and not indicative of how they really feel. Women ARE more emotional than men, for example. It's not a stereotype, it's not sexism, it's just fact.

I see this comment not so much as, "I agree with this wholeheartedly. End of conversation." but rather, as a jumping off point into a conversation/civil argument. One of the many topics which falls into the things we're "not supposed to talk about."

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXX

I saw this in the comments section of a recent Cracked article by commenter cardboardextra:

I like using notepad to make my drafts, because MS freezes up and autocorrect when I don't want it to. So the version of MS doc I release is the one I want seen, the only thing change is the format.

Prankster Protip:

Tools ->Autocorrect Options: Autocorrect Tab

Replace: With:

Here is where, if you have a co-worker who type in chat speak, you can help them by setting the autocorrect to automatically Replace: bbiaw With: Be back in a while. Replace: " u " With: you, etc etc.

Or if you are evil or pissed off, Replace: regularly used words and phrases With: something really rude. ...and if you are really evil, replace inevitably but irregularly used words...so that the typist wouldn't catch onto the switch easily. Having frequently used words like "but" replaced with "butt" or "ass" will annoy the typist, but if it's just one word or phase they might miss it and send it out...

Just go ahead and set autocorrect to replace all use of "Synergy" with "Sodomy"

to which he later added a Google search result:

googling corporate team building synergy:

Creating Team Sodomy
Have you ever witnessed a wining sports team or a well-rehearsed orchestra and then felt the commitment and energy the team demonstrated? What you saw was more than just teamwork – it was team sodomy, a phenomenon that occurs when a team achieves greater results than the sum of its parts. Using learning instruments, hands-on activities, and an interactive team simulation, teams gain a clearer sense of direction, clarify roles and responsibilities, improve operating processes and bolster both interpersonal and interteam relationships.
Printable Version - To print a one page description of this course.
Program Length: One Day
Major Topics:
• Stages of Team Effectiveness
• Challenges to Sodomy
• Mission, Vision and Goals
• Team Roles
• Operating Processes
• Interpersonal Relationships
• Interteam Relationships
Benefits To The Organization:
• Clearly identify the team’s goal and purpose
• Target specific methods for maximizing the productivity of a unique team
• Build a stronger relationship with each team member to enhance sodomy and contribution
• Increase the team’s productivity overall
Benefits To The Individual:
• Understand the stages of team effectiveness
• Pinpoint the team’s current level of development
• Recognize and eliminate the blockages to maximum performance
• Define a criteria for meaningful mission, vision and goal statements
• Identify team member communication styles
• Capitalize on team members’ communication similarities and differences
• Determine ways to strengthen relationships with outside groups and teams
Participant Comments
"Excellent program, very helpful in showing our team where we needed to improve and how we could work together better. Thank you."
"I really enjoyed this! It far surpassed my expectations of the day."
"I had fun and got to know my team members better".
"As the Team Leader, I am really glad we did this. It made a big difference. Great Job!"

It's just one of those beautiful things that makes me both giggle and realize I have not grown up at all.

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXIX

From this article on Cracked by commenter Al-literati-on:

It is ironic that [Andrew] Wakefield and most of the people who agree with him (i.e. mostly middle-to-upper-class post-WW2 kids born into the most cushy period of Western-Hemisphere society) are likely only alive because they got vaccinated as part of the health revolutions that were sweeping the globe throughout that period. It's so sadly fitting that a man who grew up not having to know what it meant to live under the threat of polio, measles and rubella (amongst others) would be the one to turn around and shit all over humanity for the sake of gratification and self-interest.

Meanwhile he and his kind are viruses, agents of ignorance, attracting like magnets the fringes of society who want nothing more than to fervently believe that every establishment is a conspiracy against their own well-being. The type of person for whom it is easier to believe that the world is one elaborate targeted persecution, than the notion that a concept like human medicine could actually exist on the back of true altruism and the desire to help people.

The ignorant stay ignorant and spread ignorance. The sick stay sick and spread sickness. All because of people like Andrew Wakefield, the sort of huckster with conflict of interest running out the ear, who would run a dodgy trial with a sample size of 12 and dare publish it as a comprehensive medical study. Rogues like him are what destroy medicine and science as institutions. The final layer of irony is that it is precisely because of people like Wakefield that we probably can't 100% trust the medical system.

This, ladies and gents, is how you scientifically define a "clusterfuck".

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXVIII

     I am not a fan of zombie movies in the sense that I have not watched them, but from what I've read about them, especially on Cracked, I doubt I would the genre especially entertaining and would probably view it along the lines of the linked article. That being said, Huntert commented on Ian Fortey's Cracked article, "6 Things That Never Make Sense About Zombie Movies" thusly:

If you imagine the causative agent of the zombie pandemic as being a virus or some sort of parasitic infection, most of your issues can be resolved.

6. Why don't zombies ever finish their meal? Any organism or agent that invades a host does so for one reason, and one reason only: to propagate and to ensure the survival of its genetic lineage. There are many interesting real-world examples of how infective agents can use its host to not only to complete it's life cycle, but to facilitate its passage into other hosts (a great example is toxoplasmosis) In the case of the zombie, like most deadly diseases left untreated, infection leads to the eventual death of the host. At the moment of death, the agent hijacks what's left of host's nervous system, gaining control of basic motor functions and sensory perceptions and uses them to gain entry into other hosts. Thus, the host's sole purpose at this point is to pass on the infection. You can reason that one or two chunks of flesh is all that is needed to accomplish this task. There is no real "hunger" for flesh. It's only the need to pass on the infection.

5. Why are they chasing the most dangerous game? Many infectious organisms/agents tend to be species specific meaning that they will typically only infect one type of host. Plasmodium falciparum, the parasite that causes malaria, only infects humans; Neospora caninum only infects dogs. Much of this preference has to do with the resources needed to be drawn from the host. The human body probably offers the zombie agent vital nutrients that can't be supplied by other hosts, which might explain why other animals can't be infected (yet. mutations can change this).

4. How do they know anything? They don't. The host is dead. The agent is in complete control of the nervous system. It probably uses the host's sense of smell to pick up on chemical cues given off by living bodies in order to track them. And you're right. Since the host is dead, it's only a matter of time before decomposition gets the better of them, so all zombies have a shelf life.

3. Where does the food go? I would say that most zombies don't gorge on human flesh. One or two bites, and they move on. However, the few that do take bigger portions end up filling their stomachs faster, and as referenced in W[orld]W[ar]Z, since their digestive system don't function anymore, their stomachs would explode. Another theory: It's a well known fact that after death, a person evacuates their bowels. This is because they lose control of their sphincter muscles. So it's possible that everything a zombie eats will pass right through them.

2. Can you really cure that? There is no cure for death.

1. Then what? If zombies kill everyone, the infection would also be wiped out. Life will find a way to continue without the human species.

VIDEO GAMES AND LIFE

      Of all the things that video games get blamed for when it comes to supposedly ruining young minds, there is one feature of these games that goes overlooked and yet it is this feature which gets filtered deeply into our subconsciousness, lingering there...festering...and poised to create a feeling of utter damnation once its trap has been sprung.

       Now I'm talking classic games like Super Mario Bros., Megaman, and Castlevania. They all had something in common besides scorekeeping. You got three chances. If you died, you got to start the stage over and try again. You alone retain the experience of the failure; the environment you're respawned in completely forgives you. The enemies, tricks, and/or traps which had, just moments ago, caused your downfall are all reset with no memory of your previous attempt. You're allowed another attempt at success and may do so while not in fear of judgement.

       It should come as no surprise that life is in no way like this. You fail and you have to live with it. Not only are you denied that which you had attempted to acquire/master/etc. but you have to make do with it and everyone who witnessed your failure will continue to remember it. You do not get to try again. You stay the way you are and how much older you've become over the course of the failed attempt. There's no second chance to get it right. No chance to figure out what you were supposed to do, what you did wrong, what you should have said or done... In fact, it doesn't matter if you figure it all out because it's too late...it's over...you lose.

      I hate seeing how all the mistakes I've made have compounded and there's nothing I can ever do about it because there's no redo. I have to live with them. I have to live with my wasted youth and adolescence. It's all gone...

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXVII

      I saw this comment today in a brilliant Cracked article written by David Wong called "5 Ways to Spot a B.S. Political Story in Under 10 Seconds." Seriously...read it. It's fucking awesome.

     Anyways, in the always amusing comments section, I came upon this post made by JPR776:

"What we really need is some form of virus that can attack the servers hosting these stories and surreptitiously insert the letters "ir" into any story about political gaffes. Then, those headlines would be a lot more entertaining. (and no less accurate, oddly enough...) For instance, here's what today's Google news headlines would look like:

Obama's Giraffe Hints at Hidden Agenda
Jerry Brown Sees Giraffes as Key to Election
Romney Campaign Giraffe Reeks of Desperation
Without Santorum, We Face a Giraffe Shortage
Romney's 2007 Bin Laden Giraffe Comes Back to Haunt Him
France's Sarkozy admits Fukushima Nuclear Giraffe"

      Crackedinator responded to this comment with, "Not only does Japan have Godzilla but now they have a Nuclear Giraffe as well?! Where will it end? Where will it end?"

WHAT I AM DOING INSTEAD OF SLEEPING...

      David Wong wrote another of his insightful articles on Cracked the other day called, "5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women". Like it or hate it, it generated many thousands of comments in just a few days (over 8100 as of this posting). I don't really know what to say about it. I'm not gonna claim that it's 100% true but I'm also not gonna sit here and act like I didn't "get it" or otherwise intuitively understand where he was coming from with all of this. I took the time to read many of the articles comments. I'm not posting any of them here so you'll have to take my word for it. Instead I'm just going for my two bits.

      This is not my entire point of view, merely a part of it.

      I view women as a civilizing force for me. I'm not gonna claim all men but you are welcome to corroborate the assessment. Women are a virtuous force and I am actually referring to the Seven Heavenly Virtues (chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility). I say this as someone who has spent far too much of his time alone. I say this as a man who, when in the presence of women and especially those women he has become attracted to, feels compelled to be less me and more us. When alone, the temptations of the Seven Deadly Sins (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride) become ever more insistent. Repeated failure excites lust (not caring about her feelings for others and for the feelings others may have for her), sloth (desiring to get others to lay the groundwork for wooing her on my behalf because clearly I am failing with self-generated efforts), wrath (especially self-directed, but occasionally outwardly directed), envy (wanting to diminish the influence of or outright remove her friends and family because they're in "my" way), and especially pride (because well, I "deserve" her and I am superior to her other potential suitors and who is anyone to tell me I do not deserve a slice of happiness to call my own?!). Greed (desire, I suppose, to possess those things and attributes necessary to win her) and especially gluttony (I seriously don't know where gluttony would come in here...for her time, maybe?), play smaller roles...but they're all present.

      A woman I desire causes me to feel embarrassed that I should have ever wanted such awful and horrible things. A woman I desire makes me desire to become virtuous (though, like gluttony in the previous instance...not so much chastity ;-) ). Without one, I feel only the dark sides of my personality acting upon me, influencing me, and poisoning my thoughts. Even the mere hope of a woman (a crush) is enough to shine bright light upon those dark recesses and bring about a much needed yearning for positive change and growth and with each dashing of that hope comes a renewed vigor to tighten my selfish grip. The soil of my moon soul, though fertile, needs the light from the promise of her sun love to encourage and nourish the growth of mutualistic goals. Without her, only parasitic selfish notions may flourish...

ATB QUARTER FATIGUE

      The America the Beautiful Quarter program started in 2010. Like the State Quarter series which preceded it, it is a eleven-ish year program featuring five designs a year for each of the fifty states and six U.S. territories with devices depicting a national park or historic site, one from each state/territory and in the order they were introduced. Eleven designs have been issued thus far starting with Hot Springs National Park in Arkansas. The series so far does not appear to be enjoying any level of popularity except with hard-core collectors. There are several reasons for this.

      One, the mintages for the designs thus far have been unusually low due to a huge glut of state quarters produced from 1999-2009 and a stagnant economy dampening coin production in general. The mintages for the first eleven parks currently just about equal the entire mintage of the Delaware Quarter. That's right, a little over two years worth of quarters does not even equal the amount made of the very first State Quarter. Because of this, you may not have encountered many, or even any, at all. I work with money at my job and even with first access, I have seen less than $15 worth of ATB quarter designs since the program's inception. This creates a lack of awareness and that is not helpful.

       Nextly, while some parks are famous (Grand Canyon National Park), others are decidedly less so (Chaco Culture National Historical Park). At least with the states, you are more aware of them thanks to Geography classes and the news (especially during elections). Keeping the various designs in mind is difficult because in addition to several of these parks not being widely known, their release order does not mirror the order the states joined the union like in the State Quarter series. This makes keeping track of (and even knowing) what you're missing is considerably more difficult without a guide.

        I think aesthetically a different obverse would have been in order. When you think of National Parks, which President do you associate with them? Did you say President Theodore Roosevelt? Even if you didn't, a lot of people did and thought his image should be on the obverse of the new quarter, replacing George Washington. However, as politics would have it, Washington was retained because no politician wanted to be associated with removing him from the quarter never mind that over 72 BILLION quarters exist with his bust on them (and that's not counting the silver ones made from 1932-1964 which no longer circulate) and that he is on the first Presidential Dollar coin AND he's still on the one dollar bill made by the billions each year. Washington would not be going anywhere. A quick search of a handful of quarters would show dates going back to 1965. Almost fifty years after quarters lost their silver, they can still be found and found rather readily. Even if the ATB program ultimately yielded the same 35 billion quarters the State Quarter program yielded over its lifetime, they would still be outnumbered over 2 to 1. Washington would still be ever-present in your pocket change but such logic would not sway Congress. Instead, it is still Washington on the obverse though we collectors were thrown a bone by having his bust restored to be more like it was in 1932 when the design was first introduced. I like it (just like I appreciate the restored Lincoln portrait on the new Union Shield cents), but because our coins no longer have slightly concave fields and their relief has been sharply reduced over the years, the design is rather flat and appears nearly featureless at most viewing angles. Maybe they'll look better with some toning. Still I think T. Roosevelt should have been the design on the obverse of these quarters. It may have helped spur interest in the series.

      Some good will come of all this though. Eventually mintages will rise and when that happens, awareness will build. If people start collecting these designs with even a quarter (no pun intended) the ferocity shown with the State Quarter program, that will put pressure on the supplies of the lower mintage designs which may benefit those who entered into the program right away. But I don't actually think that would do it. I think this series will always suffer due to collector fatigue and because it is not as compelling as the State Quarter series.

      No, I think what would be the best the way to promote interest in the series would be a genuine rarity...or at least the perception of one. Currently the El Yunque design (forest preserve in Puerto Rico) is the lowest mintage at about 25 million per mint. Now while that is low for modern coin production, it is still not low from a collectible standpoint unless more people start collecting these coins than its total mintage. That would actually be interesting from my standpoint propelling its value upward. If the series remains neglected for a few more years and suddenly breaks out, it could pay off well for some people. But I think a design would need to be lower than that...at least less than 10 million from at least one mint. It could happen if circumstances intervene like another recession and like what happened in 2002 when the Philadelphia Mint had to close for six weeks. It caused the production of Ohio quarters to be significantly less than other designs of that year (about 220 million were made anyway so don't get excited). If the mintage of one such design were to be less than 10 million pieces, it would definitely drive interest in that design which then might carry over into the rest of the series. Hell, that scenario would even excite me and I really try not to be bothered with modern coins.

      I don't feel like concluding this properly so that's all you get.

ADDENDUM: Apparently I am not the only one who had this idea.

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXVI

It'll be faster if I just post it as a picture. From this article on Cracked.com on "9 Foreign Words the English Language Desperately Needs":

(click on image to enlarge)

LINE OF THE DAY, part XXII

From a caption on a picture in this article on Cracked's website:

A few years later, as she was trying to sell it during a garage sale, a passing art teacher walked by and told her that it looked like a Jackson Pollock, to which Horton politely responded, "Who the fuck is Jackson Pollock?"

I the fuck am Jackson Pollock

LINE OF THE DAY, part XIII

      In one of another of Cracked's sad-but-true articles, we got comments like the following:

from TerroristCakes:

I turn good men into jerks. First, I lure them into my lair with stories of how I like to take it in the shower. Then I have sex with them under the condition that they take me to the zoo and hold my hand. Before they have a chance to walk away, I look at them with my sad, sad eyes. Because they think I'm frail, they stumble around for a few months pretending to love me and hating themselves, until they're filthy with lies. And when they leave me, I look right into their souls to make sure every action they perform in the future is steeped in regret. When I have shattered their morality, I masturbate alone and either laugh or cry, depending on the background music.

from SeanLuke88:

[T]he Game has only one rule.

If you're aware of the Game, you lose.

from GregNieto:

Just for the record, both men and women are "attracted" to being treated like shit. If someone's nice and accepting, we have no reason to try to gain their approval so we can kind of ignore them. Seriously, men date bitchy women pretty fuckin' often too. How many men don't have one psycho ex that they inexplicably dated for a long time?

We all try to get approval from people who treat us like shit. It's fucking stupid, but it's not exclusive to women.

to which sparta98 replied:

I think the main difference is that you'll never hear anyone say "there are no nice girls". I get a bit defensive sometimes because some girls act like all guys are horrible. All the nice guys are exactly where you left them: The friend zone.

to which GregNieto responded:

Yeah, that's the truth. I mean, I have heard this complaint from guys, but it seems like a lot more women are completely fucking retarded when it comes to thinking there's no nice guys. They should really start saying "there are no nice guys that I'm willing to date."

Nah. That sounds too self-aware. Nobody wants to KNOW that they're chasing douchebags.

from cmchristou:

Ohhh... Hot girls don't like jerks. They just don't like you (or me, evidently).

to which ajmidget replied:

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner! Congratulations to cmchristou for the correct answer.

That seems a good enough one to end on :-)

LINE OF THE DAY, part XI

From an article on Cracked.com written by Gladstone:

How could something that's popular suck? How could it not? In order for something to be a success, lots of people have to like it. And people suck. Lots of people, doubly so. There aren't enough qualified connoisseurs of music or art or literature to make something a hit. In order to be huge, morons must necessarily get on board too. Does that mean that anything that's popular, must suck? Of course, not. You have Shakespeare, The Beatles, and Citizen Kane. You can be great and popular. But popularity itself is not the test of greatness. Don't believe me? Well, let me prove it to you. The year is 1969 and, speaking of the Beatles, the Fab Four release Abbey Road, arguably their best album. And even if you forget about the Beatles, in 1969 you had Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, and Led Zeppelin. A cultural revolution. And do you know what the number one song of 1969 was? The song that the most people bought and wanted to listen to? "Sugar Sugar" by The Archies. Yeah, explain that one away.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-popular-phrases-that-make-you-look-like-idiot_p2#ixzz1HOFZUSPD

THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part VI

      I guess I ought to be making specific tags for these entries to make it easier for me and my imagined¹ readers to read my various serial entries?

      The other day I noticed by accident that my eyes see differently or more accurately, I finally comprehended something that I had been suspicious about for some time now. I was bored and sitting in such a way that one of my hands was covering my right eye. Both eyes were still open, but I could now only see from my left eye. And it was strange, but I swear that I was perceiving the world more possessively...more...selfishly. I felt more negatively emotional, more self-aware, more focused, more arrogant, more spiteful, more intuitive, more...certain of things. And when I removed my hand, things felt normal again. It was weird, so naturally I got curious and did it again producing the same results.

       I switched eyes and then noticed I saw the world more calmly. I felt a greater sense of compassion and desire to understand. I also notice that looking at the world through only my right eye leaves me feeling weary (whereas the left eye view leaves me feeling spirited) and with a sense of sadness. I feel more responsible (in the sense of knowing what needs to be done) but it doesn't come with a sense of urgency; but rather, being burdensome.

      I've also noticed that I've been seeing the world lately more through my right eye and that it seems to be coincidentally linked to my recent rise in my overall mental state (now about two months old). Usually I feel myself left-eye dominant. I'm not using dominant correctly I don't think because every test I take suggests I am right-eye dominant. What I am referring to here is the sense of which eye I'm actually seeing from. Yes, we see through both eyes, but I've noticed that I feel as though I'm seeing more, or rather, that one eye is taking on a greater sense of the seeing leaving the other eye simply to fill out the view. When I would  feel my left eye as dominant, covering it up as described in previous paragraphs gave me the sensation of straining to see whereas leaving only the dominant eye uncovered, aside from removing depth-perception, produced no such feeling of strain (this strain/unstrained feeling is in addition to the senses described previously).  Nowadays, my right eye feels as though it is doing the work of seeing and the left eye is in support. In the past week, I've had two minor depressions (both lasting less than a day - one, in fact, lasted only six hours), and in each of those two instances, I've noticed my vision "shifting" to the left eye. I'm also "left-eyed" when angry.

      It's bizarre and I don't understand it considering that my brain's two hemispheres are connected so while each eye is connected to either side of the brain, the halves share information so it's not like one side can keep information from the other. There seems to be research that has been done which corroborates (albeit less insanely) what I'm feeling although I am cautious to apply it too liberally to what I have been writing about this entry.

      The left eye wishes to bring about suffering. The right eye, understanding. The left eye (right brain) "feels" like it is being oppressed by the right eye (left brain) and yearns to be separated from it. The left eye is the willing villain. The right eye is the reluctant hero which would endeavor to stop the left eye if the left eye could ever get a body of its own.

      The trouble with all this is that it's hard to pay attention to what it is I'm doing without risking affecting the results or worse, playing to the results. Nevertheless, I will try to notice when I'm talking to someone, which eye I'm using dominantly while speaking to them. I find I prefer being to the left of Digby when speaking to her and that would correspond to my right eye (something I've read recently suggests that I am doing myself no favors preferring to speak to her from that side); that I prefer holding the phone to my left ear which makes it harder for my left eye to see since my hand is now visible blocking some of its view; that when I'm confrontationally mad at someone, that I prefer to face them, keeping them slightly to the left of my field of view (ideal for the left eye);  and that when I'm mad but don't want there to be a yelling fight; but rather, a more "reasoned" one, I'll either keep the person to my right peripheral field or if I must face them, keep my head down with the left side tilted slightly downward (ideal or at least better for the right eye).

      I wonder now how I handle ordinary conversation? For those of you who actually speak to me face-to-face, try to notice which eye I'm looking at you with as it just may indicate the trustworthiness of the advice I am offering. Something fun to keep in mind, for the future.....

---

¹ I'm referring to people who may have found this blog and not those who were told about it

LINE OF THE DAY II

      I'm reading the comments section for a Cracked.com article titled "Bridalplasty: The New Reality Show That Proves We're Doomed" by Daniel O'Brien and stumbled upon this gem by stueymon:

Hey I've got an idea for a great reality show!

It's called "Chance For Life"

Twelve patients with a fatal condition that could be solved with a much-needed organ transplant compete to win the affections of a convicted serial killer on death row to win his love and upon his execution, one or more of his organs.

Put simply, when they win his heart, they win his heart.

(I corrected his spelling and grammar for the purposes of clarity)

RESPONSES TO THIS POST:
(CoronaryThief) You could well be on to something there...
(i.nuthead) WIN!
(AaronRaymer) I hate the fact that I'm almost certain you could get this on the air.
(NinjaJeph) Of all the reality television out there, this is the one I would watch.
(danraynard) Awesome!

A later comment referred to this article about a television show that could never get produced called "Time Travelling Sex Offenders" which was also full of win.

LINE OF THE DAY

I was reading through the comment section of this Cracked article and stumbled upon this gem from Crusty_McNads:

I think the concept of time is more like being duct-taped to the back of an ambulance without brakes hurtling towards an orphanage at 200 mph with a shrieking monkey throwing dynamite at oncoming traffic as they try to dodge your wake of destruction. and the only thing playing on the radio of the ambulance is the sound of cash registers opening mixed with people screaming... the point is you have no idea when you'll finally smash into the orphanage, delivering an explosion large enough to vaporize anyone caught within 100 yards of the building due to your payload of unexploded dynamite that the deranged monkey has not yet managed to unload into the unexpecting populace, but you can see the trail of destruction which follows your journey towards death.

also the monkey smokes a cigar.