I want to see her again and by her, I mean the First One. I know I will likely never see her again in life nor do I hold any belief that she and I could actually ever have something together, but I want to see her again. This always happens. Every time I am set back by one of my crushes, she comes to mind. She's a home of sorts. A place to return to when my delusions of love have again been crapped upon. It's some perverse gesture of respect I suppose. I wish to return to the one who got this crazy train of desire rolling. The one for whom I created a coded alphabet for so I could write about her in front of everyone and have no one know. The one for whom I created a spoken language so even my thoughts of her could remain unknown to those listening in. The one who is the standard candle by which I measure attraction and desirability. The most beautiful of them all. The one I have not seen in over fifteen years...she still lives on within me. The crush itself is asleep: it awaits her return. All the other crushes have died, currently except for Digby...or are on life support like Rabbit and my other college crush. But hers remains like some spellbound dragon. Digby will one day join her...eventually...after fighting tooth and nail. That crush too, will become frozen in time.
I wish the First One had a Facebook account. She has an unused MySpace account that was cast adrift the day she signed up for it. No pictures were ever posted. The last images I have of her are from my video yearbook. But I did hear the Mystic tell me that she has seen her; that she once had a Facebook account; that people she knows are friends of hers. I admit I am strongly tempted to ask this of her...to find her. I want to see her again.
No comments:
Post a Comment