Being mad and sad at the same time is always an odd experience which gives birth to thoughts I did not know I was capable of having. It bugs the shit out of me that my creativity is so locked with these down states. The feelings are so self-destructive, yet I'm in awe of their occasional brilliance. This down state produced nothing brilliant, but it was an interesting thought nonetheless...to me anyway.
Digby is the highly volatile fuel currently powering these states. Again I find myself wishing suffering on her which I admit bothers me. I mean, how can I claim to be in love with her if I am actively wanting her to pay for her perceived sins? I am fast walking up to the abyss that will become the official dividing line of both my crush on her and the sheer amount of my life I have wasted trying to get a girl I want to want me. I am currently about three months away from it being twenty years since the first girl I wanted, Patient Zero, rejected me. This milestone should be an insignificant one, merely a footnote in one's personal history, but since she would actually be the first in a series of unbroken rejections, it has come to be a representative symbol of just how much of a loser I am and continue to be. I feel myself scrambling for something, anything that will allow me to rationalize the past four years as not a waste but I cannot see how that could be done.
Digby has served to reinforce my feelings of ugliness and while some of you might object to this assessment, I stand by the notion that "If nobody wants you, it's the same as being ugly." Digby has reinforced the feeling in me that I am outranked by everyone and by that I mean not only with her specifically --- believe me, it hurts me to no end to see EVERYONE I work with talk to her all buddy-buddy like (I thought that was an exaggerated observation made in sadness, but I have yet to see anyone I work with not talk and laugh with her). There's not one person who loves me more than her. They all know how much I am hurt by her, but not a single one has shunned her for my sake. That's not something you can ask for or even demand from friends, it has to spontaneously happen such an act of solidarity but God-forbid they not get their chance to bask in her glory. Believe me, I understand the desire...I still feel it daily but am denied it. I suffer alone in a kind of Purgatory, forced to endure an existence whereby I must abide an absence of her affection and approval all the while remembering what it once felt like to have (however briefly back in April 2008). I wish I mattered enough that hurting me would result in some, if not all, of the people I consider friends or allies shunning the one who hurt me but that will never happen.
But the other aspect I was alluding to is akin to the three-body problem in physics. If it is just me and one other person in the room, that person will talk to me and engage me in conversation. However, add a third person to the mix, no matter who that person is, and I will become the odd-man out. I'm never more important than another. I have yet to find an exception to this...even when I am with my Best Friend (though to her credit, she won't practically forget I am even there). It's like no one notices or they don't care that I am no longer speaking. Add a fourth person, and those three will form a group which I will be (almost) completely shut out of. Understand, this isn't maliciously done on their part (I hope!)...it's just what happens. It's a very lonely feeling... I admit I am weak when it comes to conversational skills but it remains nevertheless, a lonely feeling.
On a simpler note, Digby reinforced the notion that I am not worth being told "No" to; that I am not enough of a human being to be afforded that basic courtesy. And yes, I get it, it's not an easy thing to do but if you're not interested, you HAVE to tell the person asking you out especially if the man asking you out is lonely and feels he lacks options. Every day you don't tell him you're definitely not interested (none of this 99.99% shit either because that 0.01% WILL be clung to) is another day strengthening the emotional connection to you. And you certainly don't agree to go out on a date, stand me up, apologize saying that you'll make it up to me, agree to go out with me again, and subsequently stand me up again. I believe that Digby and I are compatible. I'd be at a loss as to how exactly to plot that out on a chart or graph or how to produce conclusive evidence of it. I hate relying on the "understanding" of it that I claim but I don't know what else to say. I know it's a fairly rare feeling and it's occasionally frustrating. There's a woman I work with whose twelve years my senior that I also know would be good for me (whether I would be good for her is an open question) and I would totally go for her if she weren't married and with four kids. But not every girl I've wanted has produced these feelings.
Some of my crushes were admittedly strongly lustful, a couple were rather fanciful. That's the way it goes. But I have walked away from girls I've wanted. Rabbit just might be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, even more than The First One, but the more I spoke to her, the more I understood that it would never work and it hurts for me to admit that because goddamn is she hot. I cannot even begin to fathom the amount of win she would represent as a compatible (and more importantly willing) girlfriend. It's arguable Digby came to this same conclusion before I asked her out, but remember, she never told me no. It sucks walking away, but I think it important that I mention that this does happen.
However all this depressing shit led to me wondering if it were possible to mathematically determine one's attractiveness because another one of those dark realizations I had was that I have been working in my store now for ten years. I have easily worked with about a thousand girls (yes, some would have to be discounted due to age/marital status). Not a single one has ever expressed interest in me and not a single one I have been interested in has ever reciprocated it. And this is to say nothing of the likely tens of thousands of female customers (same restrictions as the workplace ones) I've had over those years as well but I won't count them for this argument though I probably should since two of my customers did flirt with me for a little while before the one rejected me and the other moved on. When I was in college, I had three girls take an interest in me, all of whom were ultimately rejected whether the reasoning was sound or not (mostly not...I was an idiot, I admit it and handled them all poorly).
What I was thinking was you get your attractiveness or Desirability Index (in the form of a percentage) by taking the ratio of the [(number of girls who accepted me ÷ number of girls I've wanted) + (number of girls who have petitioned me ÷ estimated available local population)] / 2.
So my tentative numbers from college would be [0 + 3/4000*] / 2 which would give me a Desirability Index of .000375 or approximately 4 hundredths of a percent. This number is entirely unfair I admit and in sore need of refining. I guess a better number for the latter argument would be assuming a percentage of the local population based on the number of girls I actually wanted (even if only a little). Let's say that number is 30. Now it's safe to say that I would accept more girls who expressed an interest in me than I would accept if I were the one doing all the work. But what should that factor be? Two, three, four? I'll say four in that I believe that there are four times as many girls I would give a chance to if only they would ask for one versus the number of girls I'm willing to take a chance myself. Using that metric, my Desirability Index improves to [0 + 3/120] / 2 which would make my DI** 1¼% which is better but still quite shitty.
Well, it's getting late (for me anyways). I must go cook dinner. If this stupid idea has potential, I'll elaborate on it upon request though odds are, I'll explore it on my own without prompt. Good day reader(s)!
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* student population of my college is listed at approximately 8000 students. I'm assuming a 50/50 split of the sexes to get 4000 potentials.
** calling it DI makes it sound hipper.
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