I've had several epiphanies during my life. Most were good, even awe-inspiring. Others were shocking and a few, downright depressing. Two of them have been in my head for a couple of days now because, SURPRISE! SURPRISE!, I've been depressed for the past three months almost non-stop. My sadness is turning into anger...I can feel it now, seething within. I'm angry at Digby; I'm angry at myself; I'm angry at my workplace friends for not standing in solidarity with me over this...how they continue to talk to her. Even RedMom, whom I have depended on as a spy of sorts, has cheerfully confided in me how she didn't like her at first but thanks to me encouraging her to get intel on Digby, she has gotten to know her and really likes her now. Gee, thanks. I feel like a piece of shit now. My friend, the Security Guard, isn't buddy-buddy with her, but he has spoken to her and made her laugh, which only feels like him rubbing it in since I never got her to smile and laugh so casually with me over all these years. I know he's not doing it on purpose, but that's not how wrath works a soul. The only people I work with who don't talk to her don't cross paths with her. I really thought there'd be at least one but her ass is apparently quite suitable for kissing. I'm so very happy to know where I stand in comparison to Digby...below her, always...which brings me to those epiphanies. Does no one believe in shunning anymore?!!
To this day, I still distinctly remember being in third grade and standing outside. I don't remember if this was before school, during recess, or waiting for Mom to come get me; but I do recall suddenly realizing that one day, my schooling would come to an end and with it, my childhood and this realization came with a sense of foreboding, not excitement because I realized that I would become like Mom and Dad; that I would have to work for a living, no more playing...just work...I would never amount to anything. I couldn't even answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" like a normal kid? I remember in first grade answering "sewer worker" with all the sincerity a six year old can muster. Now, to be fair, I used to sit, stare through the grating, and watch the tide force its way through the sewer in front of my childhood home so that fascination may have played into this...but I'm pretty sure my class was a mixture of doctors, lawyers, movie stars, and Presidents...certainly not sanitation workers. But there it was...an eight year old already aware of his lot in life.
The other one was when I was fourteen. I remember walking home from school...I even know what street I was on - Asbury - when this happened. It was this sudden, dreadful feeling of..."you're going to die alone." Understand, this wasn't a motivational feeling; one that would prompt me to get my ass in gear and do something about it feeling, no...it was the feeling of truth, a heavy truth that I have not been able to shake to this day.
And yet, whereas I never questioned the wisdom of the eight year old seer, I have always stood to challenge the fourteen year old seer and I don't know why. The eight year old me was right. I have not amounted to anything; I work all the time for little benefit - I haven't had a weekend in twelve years. Yes, my bills get paid and I still have a little leftover each month, but my station is precarious. I am only an injury away from destitution. I stand in such a place where the abyss can be beheld. I still have some wiggle room, but its edge is still too nearby for comfort.
But I have refused to believe the fourteen year old yet he has been right for the past eighteen years. Why do I still pretend it could be otherwise? I don't understand what this boundless optimism of mine is based upon. Does one reversal really undo my damaged psyche? ...does it? I am close to finding out. As my grief yields to anger - I have it bookmarked - I will enter upon the world of online dating. I really really wanted to get one, even if only one, girl (whom I wanted) to go out with me from real life first. I am deathly afraid of the emotional damage that will be done to me if I am as rejected online as I have been in life. I could handle that rejection if I could fall back unto life, but life has 100% rejected my desires and I know I am no winner and come preloaded with some strong faults like my total inexperience, working overnights in retail, and my inability to drive. I am not sure if having my own place, being debt free, being dedicated, and being mostly in shape and healthy will be enough to overcome those faults. I fear for my future as I again attempt to stare down the fourteen year old in the shadows of time...
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