So the Digby saga ends not with a bang, but with a whimper. She finally put an end to it this past Tuesday, to which I responded by shutting off my phone and going to sleep for twenty hours. I can't even call it a mercy killing because I still find it so infuriating the way she's handled me over the years.
My confidence already shot, I feebly asked her out again, scaling down the nature of my date request by just asking to meet up at a diner. I did so in person rather than by text both because I refuse to yield to my cowardice on certain issues and because she can't ignore me face-to-face. She refused to give a straight answer telling me to ask again tomorrow because she didn't know if she were going to be up for it since she was going out with friends the night I asked her at work. I already knew this meant "no" but what I find so irascible about it is that she simply wouldn't tell me "no". Every time I've asked her out (and believe me, it was several times over the past 3½ years), she would never say she wasn't interested or give a simple no. The first time I got a fairly positive "Sure!" and she cancelled last minute claiming tiredness (she wasn't lying, I could hear it in her voice). Each additional time the response was less enthusiastic but never outright negative.
Yes, I deliberately went on the path of favorable interpretation instead of trusting my instincts. The trouble is, my instincts are so obviously aligned with my cowardice that it's hard to tell them apart most times. Yes, the moment this started getting painful for me I should've quit her, but I stubbornly and faithfully persisted. I believed, and I still believe in our compatibility. A belief which is now totally irrelevant. A belief which has left me holding onto a now worthless trove of data and intuitions about her.
But the part that kills me inside is not that she doesn't want me. Yes, that hurts. It never doesn't hurt. I would love to demand an explanation (and believe me I wanted to) but I know I'm not entitled to one. She does not have to explain herself to me in that regard. Yes, it hurts that I was not even worth her taking a chance on me. No, the part that kills me is that I'm not even worth a "no".
At some base level, I don't care if Digby's interested in me or not. She either is or she isn't. It's a rare black&white scenario that life offers. But the fact that I was never worth a definitive answer is what wrecks me and what will likely fuel the next several depressions I'm sure to experience over the next few months once my thoughts drift away from my long list of failures. Besides the Eleven, I've come up with an additional thirty-five names over the past twenty years that never panned out for various reasons ranging from outright rejection to circumstance (already in a relationship/married) to would've taken an interest if they had given me even a modicum of return. Forty-six girls/women, none of which have panned out...ever. And people wonder why I have zero confidence; why I scoff at being complimented - it's all so unbelievable... And I still feel my mind digging.
Anyhow, Digby was online on Tuesday morning and messaged me quickly that she would be unable to attend. Now, normally I take that three ways: Realistically; that she's telling me "no" without using the word in a stupid effort to spare my feelings - Hopefully; that I shouldn't take this as rejection but as a chance to try again later and perhaps do a better job and with more confidence - and Self-Destructively in that I know what she's doing, but I want to make her tell me "no" or to at least tell me to stop trying. I am coward and I recognize it in others scornfully and her wishy-washy desire not to come across as the bad guy while still trying to reap the bad guy rewards infuriates me. However, online is a stupid place for confrontation since clicking on the X box is a relatively simple task (as is ignoring) so I opted instead to give her an out. I already knew this had to be my last chance taken on her: I'm exhausted emotionally from this and know that if I didn't do something, that I would again deliberately interpret her response positively and rise to the challenge again. So I asked her if she would like me to stop reminding her that I would have all along had she told me to (which was a dig that I'm sure went over her head).
She told me that she doesn't share my feelings and that it would be best if I just moved on. Despite being emotionally braced for that, it still cut through and I chose to sleep on it. My heart wasn't exposed like it was back in 2009 during my last real attempt (something she failed to take advantage of - she could've ended it once-and-for-all right there but again opted for wishy-washiness allowing me to immediately regain my composure) She was at work last night but not for long. I didn't slip into a depression there either because of a lack of exposure or because the exposure is cumulative and that accumulation has yet to reach toxic levels. I already don't want to look at her and her laugh stings. I think I'm safe for the rest of the week.
I took the proactive approach and deleted her (and several of her friends) from my friends list. However, I still can see her entire profile because I'm still friend of a friend with certain people whom I actually talk to and like preventing me from doing a slash-and-burn (though I did make the list). I guess Digby has not updated her privacy settings since Facebook rolled out the new profile. I don't know if this is good or not though I suppose if I have a moment of weakness, I'll be able to indulge it. I'd ask her to block me, but then I also told her that I would not bother her anymore. Oh well, rationalizations.
I'm back in a place I haven't been in since late 2003. I officially like no one and I'm not in the mood to start. I've been told to try online dating. It's certainly a reasonable thing to try though I think I understand why I hold out still: I want to be able to get who I want just once in my life. Dangling myself on a hook in the waters of a dating site will surely bring at least one serious response, but it's not the same. Can a girl I like accept me just once? Am I really asking for too much? I started liking girls my age in 1991. Nothing...not once. A few blips of interest from the outside which was wonderful, but I've never been able to get one of my own choices...ever. Can I have one before I dive into online? Can I have one so I'm not carrying a small amount of bitterness and unworthiness with anyone I would meet through online dating? Can I?...
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