I feel my heart growing bold again. The shattered pieces of confidence blown out from my heart fifteen months ago have begun to make their way back. They're moving slowly and quietly but are gathering strength. Now would be the perfect time to be distracted but I'm stuck still in that unenviable place whereupon those who would be good candidates to bring about my happiness is rooted in their sorrow. Not only do I not know mutual attraction, I do not know mutual joy. I have yet to be in a situation where I can be happy without first the girl I want would have to be made to be unhappy. How can I be a good man and wish for them to suffer simply so I can be happy? How selfish...
Since I am still in love with her, this budding confidence will only be used on her when I have both grown stronger from it and find an opportunity. I am already seeking them. I can feel it. I'm trying to talk to her again but still tentatively. I can't move quickly. It's been fifteen months since the last time I felt strong enough to try [and twelve months before that before she stood me up and two months before that when she first cancelled on me...who knows how long it would be before I could try anew if my confidence were obliterated now.....]. The imagery in my head is that of the Shadows returning to Z'ha'dum. Nothing good can come of it. I am clearly insane in the Einsteinian sense [doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result]. I don't know why I still want her after all this time but I so clearly do. I don't feel "meant" for her. I just feel we would be good for each other and it torments me so that I haven't figured out a way for her to at least let me TRY to show her. I am so certain I'm right. Although I am 99.9999% sure she wants nothing to do with me, that 0.0001% has so far proven enough to be motivating.
I don't know how long it will be before something happens. As certain as I am of what will happen, that microscopically thin veneer of hope remains. This would be the perfect time for a girl to come out of nowhere and take a liking to me. I have the gathering strength to be both receptive to her and the wherewithal to let go of the current one. It's the ultimate in, but I have no candidates [though there are a few "on the radar"] and the random forces of chance have not blessed me since 1998. So the future is known. I don't know when it will happen but I can feel in my heart the embrace of the allure of the miracle it would take to get her to give me that chance I have so eagerly wanted since October 2007.
I wish the attraction weren't so powerful, so certain. She's the second "genetic attraction" I've had and the first person I'd be willing to leave New Jersey for (since I know she desires to return to be the country girl in Pennsylvania where she was born and grew up as).
I define a genetic attraction as one where my very DNA calls out to the person desiring to merge with hers. It's a selfish attraction not unlike a lustful attraction. I would be perfectly willing just for her to surrogate the child and leave me with him/her after it's born. I feel like I'd be creating a worthy, "perfect" human if my DNA and hers were to be merged [to contrast, in a lustful attraction, all I want is to fuck the girl...if I never even learned her name, I would be cool with that. I've had three of those]. It obviously goes beyond that since I genuinely want to be with her, take care of her, and see to her wants/needs/desires. My attraction to her is exceptionally powerful, more powerful than I think even the First One [which was technically the second one, that's how powerful SHE was ;-) ] so it lingers; it persists despite all logic telling me otherwise. Three years I've wanted her. Three times I've tried to date her and failed. And now my confidence is restoring itself. My heart is growing bold.
This will end badly.....
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