It's always weird for me to see couples. I've never had a girlfriend. I can't even imagine having one: it's such a foreign concept. I can't picture a woman choosing me when she has the choice of everyone else on this planet. I can't envision her arms going around mine because she wanted to do so. The thought of her wanting to kiss me, hold me, touch me is the equivalent of a syntax error to my mind...does not compute. It's lonely and leaves me despairing more often than not.
It's been suggested to me that I use those internet dating sites. I don't see the problem with that eventually. It's the initially thing that kills me inside. I know the stigma of internet dating has more-or-less been removed in recent years but I don't think the stigma of using it for your first date has been. And it doesn't matter to me if such a concept is a social stigma or not. It's a personal one for me. I already feel like such a loser. The lack of attention/interest I have received over the years from girls has left me feeling ugly. The need to be able to do this, even if only just once, in real life is extremely important. And all my combined deficiencies do nothing to make me believe that I have any way out of this hole that I've dug...
I'm gonna be thirty-two soon. What a horrible thing to realize that, for all intents and purposes, I am in the same boat I was in since I've been twelve - the age when I first started liking girls. I'm a twenty year old twelve year old.
I just can't picture who would want someone like me, or rather...who would want to invest in someone like me. I'm a piece of work. Why be with me when there are plenty of pre-fab boyfriends out there for women? Be with a guy with experience or without? Be with a guy who can drive or one who can't? Be with a guy who likes to go out or be with one who prefers staying home? Be with a guy who believes in God or with one who has no need for such superstitions? Be with a guy who makes decent money or with one who's barely getting by? Be with a guy who you can be superficially proud of or with one who needs to be constantly justified to friends and family? Be with a guy who has weekends off or with one who hasn't had a weekend off since 1999? Be with a guy who has confidence in himself or with one who is broken inside?
The natural world operates on the path of least resistance. Atoms settle naturally into the lowest possible energy state. The low-hanging fruit gets picked first. Predators seek out prey which is old, very young, sick, and injured. I am quite the wall to surmount. I wouldn't even date me so why would anyone else? I wouldn't know what to do with a girl even if I could have one...
And the depression merely mounts. The oldest I wanted to be when I had my first child was thirty-two. I wanted to be married starting when I was twenty-four. I'm nowhere near any of this and so I feel old, I feel unwanted, I feel ugly, I feel despised, I feel like a monster, I feel like a failure regardless of whether it is true or not.
I am a failure.
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