The last girl I wanted to date seriously is still the last girl I've wanted to date...seriously. I first started falling for her back in July 2007 and finally worked up the nerve to ask her out in April 2008. She accepted the invitation but subsequently stood me up. She apologized for doing so [she had an excuse] and I took the Christian approach to the whole thing and turned the other cheek. Two months later, the stars realigned and I asked her out again. She again accepted and again stood me up. This time her excuse for doing so was piss-poor. I was devastated...I still am to some degree. I really want her and it sucks that I cannot have her...not now, not ever...not even then.
I became a bit of a passive-aggressive dick toward her and it culminated in her deleting me from her online accounts. That should've been the end of it but as time marched relentlessly on, the wound scarred over and we got to being friendly again. She even offered to take me out to get a makeover. Seeing an opportunity, I accepted only for her to mention a boyfriend [whom I had never heard about before...not once]. This led to an exchange online whereby she broke my heart for a third time. Again, you would think that this would be the end of it but --- Oh did I mention that I am an idiot?
She did what she could to convince me that nothing would ever happen between us ever; that she just doesn't feel that way about me. Now, I feel at this point I should mention that I am not psychotically insane...merely pathetic. I have no desire to keep trying or to be a stalker or whatever. Mentally, I get it though I still find her to be quite desirable. My heart, though it took longer, gets it though it still wishes to pair-bond with her. My body, however, remains as attracted to her as ever and she never gets less attractive so it doesn't help that I have to keep seeing her.
Last night, she surprised me at work [in the sense that I didn't know she would be working that night]. I'm still reeling from it. The sadnesses that I sink into have not been as acute as they once were, but they still happen and they progress with an eerie predictability. Her voice, her laugh...they hurt me. Her cherry blossom perfume is the scent of failure. Seeing the attention she gets and receives from others only intensifies my feelings of worthlessness. Her kick-ass body serves only to increase my longing for her. Her smiles, which are never for me, leave me only feeling lonelier.
It's been two years and five months since she rejected me and I still want her. I still want no one else. I don't mean for that to come across as insanity but merely that no one has come along yet to replace her. I've never had a gap this long. I usually like a new girl every year or two. It's been over three years since I started wanting her and no one has come along to distract me from her. There's no one else I want. It's so very depressing. It's like there will be no one else; like she's the last one I will ever fall for. Why do I believe - why do I continue to believe - that she's so right for me...that we would be good for each other? I don't get it...
I hate being smitten...
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