ODDS & ENDS

      I have a growing pile of discarded Facebook status updates that are no longer postable as the time for them has passed or they weren't funny enough or because I try to only post one depressing status update when I'm sad rather than like ten in-a-row over the course of a day so I don't worry my friends both real and Facebook-only.

      Here goes...
Reason (arbitrary number) I hate people: You say because of your bad shoulder that you can't carry more than a few pounds and yet you have not one, but two 24-packs of ½ liter water bottles in your cart...and you came alone...and you didn't break up the packs into several lighter units before leaving you lying bag-wasting cunt. --- Too harsh? :-)

If nothing worth having is ever easy, then why do I need to have a car? --- Cute lament on the assumption that  many women are passing me over online for this very reason :-)

I need to start working on my language again. I have some thoughts I need to express [but don't want understood]... --- I wanted "but don't want understood" to be in my language but I wasn't sure how to render it. Yes, it's my language but there are rules and that's a rule I haven't worked out yet and I didn't want to commit an element of my language publicly that could very well change after thinking about it some more :-)

I have this Groucho Marx approach to my sense of self-worth: I can't consider being with a girl who considers me worth being with. --- Good call Alias TBD. I've had this little flawed gem in my pile of discarded updates for some time now.

Translating intuition into English is more often than not an exercise in futility... --- Why am I putting this one here? Surely I could use it at some point. Eh, wha'e'er. A reference to my inability to explain what it is I'm thinking or have thought to others.

I am very self-aware. How you sound matters more to me than how you look. Your voice echos a pattern in my soul and how that pattern is interpreted  determines how I "see" you... --- I've noticed several Digby references in this pile. Shows how long I've been holding on to these scraps of paper: she's been gone for over three months now. An example of the many things I would say to her in my daydreaming that, so long as I kept it there, she would completely understand. :-P

No longer do any barriers exist between me and my intentions. To reject what I offer is to reject me... --- Years and years worth of rejections have worn my mental skin quite thin. It takes a long time to rebuild even the thinnest layer of protection so it is all too easily penetrated making me ever fearful to take another chance. Something that might slide off the back of another, more well-adjusted person will strike me in the heart, hurting me far more than it ever should have...if at all. I'm reluctant to expose myself to even the slightest ridicule or possibility of rejection.

They did not want me when I smiled... --- I've had this thought (still do) whenever some well-intentioned person tells me to smile more.

Women are single by choice: the only choice men have is whether or not to play --- Whether of high or low quality, the only reason a woman does not have a boyfriend or someone to hook up with is because she chooses not to be with him. A man, however, cannot choose to be with any woman regardless of quality. All he can do is try and there is no guarantee of success...ever. No woman can ever truly understand the loneliness of men.

I love seeing people with the kinds of piercings which would have been considered industrial accidents just a generation or two ago... --- I might still post this one but as of now, the wording doesn't feel quite right. Close, but not good enough.

I hate vacations: they remind me of the freedom I once had, but no longer... --- I miss being a kid. Sigh...

I'm a cutter, but only emotionally so the scars cover my heart and not my arms. This way I can still wear short-sleeved shirts in the Summertime... --- Sadness with a humorous twist.

If no one wants you, that's the same as being ugly... --- I stand by this statement. I hate when women (almost always married or otherwise taken...how convenient) tell me that I'm handsome, smart (or intelligent), and/or an otherwise good person worth having because uh, yeah...crickets. The girls don't have to ask me out, but even an inkling of a hint that if I were to kinda sorta maybe say something, I would benefit would be good more than those two times back in 1998. I mean, really? Nothing in 13 years?!!

The thing I hate about good moods is that they embolden me to take risks which then fail with near certainty leaving me worse off than before... --- I forgot what precipitated this one. Maybe the final time I asked Digby out?

Exposing my [emotional] heart feels like a knife positioned over my chest at the balancing point of what it would take to push through the skin. Add pressure and you'll destroy me for a time but relax even a little bit, and I'll be able to snatch the knife from you and what you had done to expose my heart will never work on me again. --- A take on what Shishio from Rurouni Kenshin in that any technique he has seen he can easily make useless when used against him a second time. My Heart is only rarely exposed and when it is I'm terrified by my vulnerability but if you hesitate in taking the shot, it immediately seals up and I gain the upper hand. Of course it's also entirely possible that you'll do as I have asked and the exposed Heart will seal relievedly rather than forcefully and I'll feel a wave of "Whew!" wash over me :-) To this day, Best Friend is the only person I have ever met who has taken the shot and I respect her for it. The imagery of that event reminded me of Unit 01 tearing through Sachiel's AT Field and subsequent attack on its core...there was no stopping her :-)

If you subtract what you want to have from what you know you can have and the answer is negative...you are depressed. --- Fun with depression math!

Talking about sadness is bad too. After all, if depression is a low-energy state, talking about it will only release energy, dropping me only lower... --- When I get said, I get prolific with these kinds of potential updates. This is why I have a one sad post per sadness policy :-)

In the race between her coming around to my point of view and me accepting the worthlessness of my being, I find she remains still on the starting line... --- Among the last (though not necessarily in this post) of my Digby references before she left. I need this kind of creative imagery (and energy for that matter) when I'm not sad. Stupid brain... Form better neural connections!

I didn't say she was (a) perfect (human being). I said she was perfect (for me). --- Something that is puzzling when spoken, but perfectly understandable when written. :-)

You never loved me nor hated me... No, it was your indifference which wrecked me. --- Reflections upon a departed Digby. I wrote two versions of it. I couldn't decide between them or I posted something funny on Facebook and the bad mood which precipitated this potential update had gone before getting back to it. I also wrote: "Of all the ways you were able to hurt me, your indifference stung the most..."

I will never not want her. My desire for her will only go to sleep once she is no longer around. In the meantime it will wait. --- This is a rough draft. I can tell. While not true of most of my past crushes, I am sure Digby will join The First One as one of my "forever girls" (with honorable mention to Rabbit). I haven't had a crush on a girl this powerful probably since The First One so the crush will go dormant, as though under a spell, awaiting her return when it will then awaken, picking up where it left off. Oddly I have proof of this poetry. Though I have never seen The First One since graduation, Digby dropped by my workplace with a friend just a few days ago and yes, the crush briefly resumed, for six hours, right where it had left off...with me in abject misery and terrible longing. My crush on her has not yet fallen asleep as I still think of her several times a week. My crush on The First One did not fall asleep for more than a year after last having seen her. It would awaken briefly when I got this computer and used its video editing software on my high school video yearbook. For the first time in over a decade, I spent hours "with her" testing the various features of the utility. A very nostalgic time. I wonder if and when I shall ever become nostalgic for Digby seeing as how, right now, I despise her...

Wanting and liking to be wanted by are functionally the same thing... --- Whether actively seeking the affection of another or simply not minding if one were to get said attention of her own accord is all the same to me though admittedly, far more effort will be put into the former rather than the latter.

And that was when the Omega's blood type went from blue to orange... --- Toward the end of my crush on Digby, I began overdramatically referring to her as The Omega (with it understood that The Alpha was The First One) as though she would be the last girl I would ever fall in love with. So far, still true though I highly doubt it will remain so forever. I even said on the slip that this would be a reference only six people would get. In Neon Genesis Evangelion, living beings were of Blood Type: Orange whereas the angels were of the Blood Type: Blue. So in other words, my "angel" returned to being just an ordinary human. No explanation was ever given for this in the show though it can be inferred that this was because the angel Lilith, which was the progenitor of all life on Earth, bled an orange-colored fluid called LCL from which life took shape. Perhaps Adam, the first angel, bled a blue-colored LCL from which life would have arisen had the black egg bearing Lilith not crashed into the Earth. Adam is seen only briefly in flashback but always shrouded in light so even if he bled, odds are, its color would not discernible. For the uninitiated, the idea behind the show was that some truly ancient alien race seeded the galaxy with sources of life to grow on worlds such as Earth. The intention was only for one such egg to land on any given world. Earth, however, accidentally received two such eggs but in the mythology of the series, only one egg may be the source of life. In preparation for such accidents, each egg came equipped with a tool which would permanently (so long as it wasn't removed) incapacitate the being within it. Normally the one which landed first would dominate and it would be the one which arrived second that would be incapacitated. However, Lilith's Lance of Longinus was destroyed in the impact forcing Adam's Lance to put him into suspended animation that is...until an expedition to Antarctica found this being and removed the Lance... The preceding paragraph is full of major spoilers for the anime series NGE and should not have been read by anyone who has not yet seen the show but intends to. :-P

There is no way to feel that does not result in the past four years being a waste of time... --- Wow, there's a lot of Digby stuff in this pile. Almost four years long...my third longest crush (Rabbit and The First One being the first and second longest). I live like I will forever. One day, my mind's gonna be in for a rude surprise. One more to go...

People still happily leave me to do the work alone so they can enjoy their friendships... --- I remember feeling this at work (and in school). It's an old thought. I always feel left out and can't help but notice people make little to no effort to involve me in conversations that anyone could be a part of. They are all too happy to see me doing the work they're all supposed to be doing so that not only do they not have to, but that they benefit from efforts as well. Never once, not now at work and not then in school when put in groups for assignments have I ever gotten a kickback like an invitation to a party (even if I had to decline) or simply an opportunity to hang out. Sometimes I wish I could have known while in school that none of it actually mattered and simply have done my part and no more or none at all stating that we either all work together or not at all. I can't but wonder how much simply not giving a fuck would have actually benefited me amongst my peers growing up. I know my Mom would have been pissed, but if it had meant friends and dates, I'm sure I could have lived with it.