I had an idea last night and it has me excited for the first time in a while. It was one of those Dr. House moment-of-insight type moments. While at work, and slowly being overcome by my proximity to Digby, I found myself talking to another cashier who, whether serious or not, has suggested hooking me up with a girl he knows. He said though he might consider making an exception this time, that there are two girls at work whom he would consider dating though he is generally against that idea (something that I am not by the way). Turns out (and this does not surprise me) that one of those girls is Digby. I quickly mentioned that we have a mutual interest. Now I don't know if this is a "bros before hos" thing or if he was being serious, but he did boastfully say that he could bring her around and asked if I would like him to talk to her on my behalf to which I said, "Of course" and that I would owe him a favor (and that's coming from someone who despises being obligated to others) if he could manage to pull it off. This created some volatile hope within me which pulled my mood back up from falling to teetering, but it was enough.
Then I remembered while at a barbecue last evening with friends, there was a book about the Vietnam Conflict on the table and I connected the two dots: Vietnam was basically the United States versus the Soviets with the Soviets using the Vietnamese as proxies since our two countries could not engage each other directly without serious and credible threats of nuclear war. And it occurred to me that while I enlisted the moral support of my workplace friends in my efforts with Digby, I demanded that they take no direct role as this was my job ultimately (although I think RedMom took it further, though secretly, than I would have preferred at the time). However, on the chess board of life, Digby made me a king and what sucks about that is the king may not move in such a way so as to put himself in danger. I'm not allowed to engage her directly anymore, but what if, through proxies, I could get her to put herself in a position where I would have to make a move as it would be the only option?
In retrospect, I wonder why I didn't think of this idea before (or did I dismiss the option so soon after my infatuation blossomed that I had forgotten about it)? It's so obvious...
Anyways, so this is where I'm at and I have already enlisted more reliable proxies than this cashier will likely turn out to be. RedMom is the primary (as she has been rooting for this along with me since the beginning) and there are several others who have a friendship with her that I can use to my advantage. RedMom has continued (much to my chagrin at the time of my fall three months ago) to talk to Digby and get to know her so I spent my time catching up on this knowledge and working out ways to exploit it. I am invigorated. I have learned that she does feel (at least a little) bad about everything and that she's actually nervous to be around me as a result (I have really been down and unresponsive to both her and pretty much everyone for a significant portion of the past 88 days) which suggests to both her and me that she must feel something for me otherwise why would it concern her at all? I harbor a lot of guilt from many (sometimes stupid) things/events over my long years but when it comes to two of the four girls who've come on to me, I do not regret the way I treated them even though I know my behavior hurt the first one was atrocious both in retrospect and at the time. So if even a modicum of guilt might be exploited to my benefit, I'm in. She also has a stressful, possibly turbulent, relationship with her father and based on descriptions from RedMom, show that I could very well be a desirable oasis if presented properly.
So the goal now is to use my proxies to get her to both reinitiate contact with me and to take it to the next level I so far failed to accomplish for the past 3½ years (she's gonna have to ask me out this time). While RedMom et al. will be in contact with me behind the scenes, I have no intention of treating her any differently until it is time. I just hope I can pull off what I've been doing practically instinctually for the past three months since now I have some hope to prop me up.
No surrender, no retreat! (although this time I really have no idea what I could try to do should this effort fail) I look forward to the coming days for the first time since February. I hope you guys can pull it off. As much as I hate saying it, I'm counting on you...
And by the way, I know that this can't possibly work and that I'm pathetic but I have to try. I would not be able to forgive myself if I did not.
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