This is something I have thought about for some time but don't know if I can successfully describe it. I've had this thought before Digby came onto the scene though she's helped keep it in the forefront lately. It's this idea that we all have a touch of evil within us, regardless of how good or well-behaved we are. It's definitely related to the desire to say or do inappropriate things in formalized or ritualistic settings like at a funeral or wedding. Maybe it's just me since I have this extreme balancing desire within me. Maybe you only have these thoughts if you're a negotiator or compromiser by nature, I don't know. I just can't stand anything going too far to either extreme. But then, it may be a very old behavior indeed. After all, the universe itself was formed and continues to be shaped by instabilities within otherwise ordered media. It may be a truly primeval feeling...to use a touch of chaos to bring about changes to an otherwise static event or existence. Anyways...
One of the things about Digby that keeps my mood crashing into the ground is how EVERYONE at work (and that may not actually be an exaggeration) gets to talk and laugh with her; how she'll dedicate a little time each night she's there to talk to each and every one of them (some longer than others); how she'll say goodnight to everyone (and for some, she'll hug them as well)...but not me. I'm treated like I don't exist...as though acknowledging my existence would be beneath her. And while it's safe to say there is a more reasonable explanation for this, I can't help but feel like I'm the designated asshole of this situation.
What do I mean by this? It's this idea that, no one person could ever be totally nice to everyone...as though to be nice to all without exception would result in a kind of psychic sickness that could only be remedied by behaving exactly oppositely, thus destroying (or at least severely damaging) many friendships and relationships, if the negative pressure (psychic energy, whatever...I don't care what you call it) building up were not released. But the thing is, it has to be genuine. You can't be an asshole to someone who deserves it because that doesn't destroy the impulse. Being an asshole to someone who deserves it is just. It doesn't negate the impulse within. To rid oneself of this disturbance requires a victim.
Now, you probably don't want your friends, family, lover(s) to see you like this so it has to be someone outside those groups or at least only peripherally attached. Maybe you're heckling a comedian onstage or teasing a baby or being rude to a waiter/waitress or whatever, but the point is, you need to someone for whom you know your assholery will (or at least could) hurt otherwise there will be no satisfaction for this urge. In my sadness, I feel Digby has made me her Designated Asshole. I bring the necessary balance to her mind so that she can continue to be friendly and warm with everyone else. She knows she hurts me and it delights that part of her which needs such callousness. Hurray?
I know I've done this myself...probably more times than I would like to admit. This may be where my psychologically damaged mind comes in, I'm thinking. I'm used to being left alone and being unwanted so woe be to those few who try to get through...especially if they are weak-willed. Nothing like a soft target upon whom to heap undeserved scorn reaped from mental fields sown with bitterness and envy, right? It's so perverse really. When I tell people that I reward persistence, I tend to leave out the part where I'm gonna be anywhere from a bit to quite an asshole toward you. But persist and eventually I'll come around; feel guilty about my treatment of you; and that guilt, being an unstable emotion like hope, will decay into loyalty (or regret if you actually don't put up with my bullshit...which you probably shouldn't. I mean, afterall, why reward my assholery regardless of knowing I'm pretty much yours forever if you do? It's a pretty shitty way to go about things).
How sad to have become so prejudiced that I cannot accept the idea that someone would or even could, actually like me, want me, spend time with me, fuck me, etc. Cuz that's always good, y'know, to push away someone who's just trying to love me because I have this insane "need" to prove to myself that my pursuer's feelings are for real. It makes sense in its own stupid way, I suppose. To me, if you really liked me, you would keep trying because, well, that's what I do. I hate flaky people. What? Because I didn't smile back or I barely acknowledged your existence when you meekly said hello to me, that means I don't like you and that you no longer like me or at least feel you should no longer try? Even just thinking about this now is infuriating me and I'm just being conceptual. It doesn't even make sense to me. How can you say you like someone if a mere setback is enough for you to call off the chase? Unless you're told "No" or it would be inappropriate to continue (like they have a boy/girlfriend, are married, or are gay), why give up? And I feel compelled to keep doing it this way because loyalty matters to me...like, a lot. Understand, I don't mean unquestioning loyalty because that's just stupid. I mean the kind of loyalty where you don't ...well, I guess like the traditional marriage vows. You stick with that person in sickness and health, whether wealthy or poor, through good times and bad. I need a compelling reason to surrender, not a bullshit one. I need someone I know I can depend on when it matters because anyone can be there for you when the weather's fair.
Eh, my focus has clearly drifted. What else is new with this stupid blog? I'll just leave it like this and hope there's a nugget of sense somewhere within it for whomever is actually bothering to read this shit. Such is my mind - a chaos of partially formed ideas, bizarre thoughts, and an inability to accept that others could actually give a fuck even when it's unmissably right there in front of me...
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