One of the things that attracts me to Tolkien's mythology is his vaguely defined concept of "native power" which is imbued in the servants of Eru (God), the Valar and Maiar. It is described in this forum as "When an Ainu manifested a physical body it took some of its native power to do so. They could deconstruct this body and take the power back into themselves any time they wanted. However, if they remained 'Physically manifest' for a long time this process would become increasingly difficult and in the case of Melkor and others that followed him, impossible." (I corrected spelling errors and terms in the preceding) Native Power was also referred to in the creation of the One Ring in which Sauron, its creator, had to put almost all of his remaining native power into it in order to give it the ability to dominate the remaining Rings of Power.
It seems in Tolkien's universe that investing one's power into something else is not a zero-sum game. In the case of Sauron and the One Ring, while Sauron was now considerably weaker when not in possession of the Ring, he is more powerful with the One Ring than he would have been had he never created it. But should the Ring be destroyed (SPOILER ALERT: It was), the power put into it would be lost forever to him. As described in the forum entry: "But if, while manifest in physical form, that body was destroyed by an outside force, the power used to create it (or at least some of it) would be lost to the Ainu. The Valar were the greatest of the Ainur that came to Middle-Earth and could lose a body or two and still be able to create another."
I can't help but feel a connection to that idea. In the metaphors (spirituality if you will) of my mind, I feel as if I have, foolishly or not, divested of myself pieces of my soul and have imparted them unto other people and unto various objects in my life. I feel wasted inside as far more often than not, those whom I have invested those pieces of me into have gone from my life and have left me all the weaker for it. Imparting unto people feels more like a choice whereas imparting unto objects seems to happen as a function of how long I have been in possession of them (which follows rather nicely with the quoted passages above) though it can happen alternatively by virtue of an object having been given to me by a person whom I value or had wished to value. I have several such trinkets in addition to those which have been in my life for many years. My life is a collection of objects bearing with them no obviously discernible pattern. They don't match or belong to a set; my furniture is comprised entirely of cobbled together pieces for instance. Their connection to each other is sentiment; their connection to each other is that we have journeyed long together; their connection is not that they are physically irreplaceable, but that they are spiritually irreplaceable.
I've had with me for about a dozen years, a dreamcatcher made for me by a friend while still in college. It remained with me through several moves until finally breaking last year after moving into my current residence. It was a simple object that had gained elevated importance by virtue of its long-time possession and by the fact that I could never get another from that person. Did you know I actually felt a sense of loss when I found it had broken? Weird, right? The loss wasn't Earth-shattering, but it was there...a small diminishing of my being. I have objects leftover from my grandparents and Dad (all of whom are dead) which carry with them that sense of importance too. I don't wish to imply I'm a hoarder...it's not that. I work to preserve these objects knowing full well that one day something will cause them to be lost and with each such loss, I will feel a little more of that diminishing. I hesitate to think of the day when I have to part with my desk. It's been with me for almost twenty-five of my thirty-three years. When sitting at that desk, to merely touch it is to bring me back to any number of memories and experiences. I can't imagine no longer having that though one day, it will come.
The most crippling of my recent losses was of course, Digby. She took with her a great portion of my power and from more than a single instance too...three times total. Almost a year later, I am not fully recovered...but I'm getting there. I've lost Bronx and the Mystic (I'm calling it finally though really, this has been true since October), both of which hurt, feeling like a slow leak. I am frustrated over attempts to get my Best Friend to meet with another friend of mine whom I think would be a good friend for her. I can feel that investment and fear its never happening. My CD player recently gave out and took with it a moment I shared with Dad when I had bought it. It's one less connection I have to him now (I have actually retained the unit's speakers and should I be able to wire them into a new unit, then the loss will not be a total one after all). That is how much of my life feels...a slow draining. I wish others would impart of themselves unto me in a way which strengthens more than the losses from others have weakened. I am stuck believing now that the only such strengthening could come from a mutual attraction, something I have not definitively experienced in a long time (though I suspect it still with Number Twelve) and something I am not likely to experience for a long time, if ever.
It is strange seeing the First One on Facebook. We are not "friends" there (have not attempted) but she is nonetheless an investment, long thought lost forever, who has reappeared even if only in the cyberworld. My sense of self yearns to stretch forth its hand and reclaim her into my being. She represented a wellspring of creativity back in my teenaged youth. How wonderful it would feel to have a taste of that power once more! How intoxicating it would be immersed once again in that resilient attraction...
If I have a personal One Ring, however, it would be my Best Friend. As long as I have her, I can renew my lost strength within reasonable, though ever-increasing, timeframes and like Sauron, I am stronger with her in my life than I ever would have been had I not imparted upon her a very large part of my being. She has been the best and greatest of my investments. But also like Sauron, I would be permanently weakened without her...a malevolent spirit forever unable to take on a compassionate form ever again. She is greater in power and the strength she can give me than all of my other spiritual investments combined. She is the source of my strength and by virtue of that, my ultimate weakness. Still, I yearn for something...someone, greater...
No comments:
Post a Comment