MOMENTOUS OCCASIONS...

      The more I think about it, the more I feel that I friendzone girls just as frequently and perhaps even more often than I am friendzoned by them. I couldn't tell you if this is so because I am afraid to enter into relationships for whatever reason or if it is more an effort on the part of my mind to preserve the status quo. Lacking knowledge of the former makes it difficult to prove/disprove the latter. Only circumstantial evidence can be offered.

      What I think I need to test this idea is something I've never had and that is the dual combination (is that redundant?) of a girl whom I find immediately attractive (let's say, 7+) and who is also rather aggressive in making an "us" happen. I say this because I've noticed in recent years and, as the memory is fresh, with Number Twelve that there is a certain momentum that builds when I'm becoming interested in a new girl and it's a momentum that cannot tolerate even the slightest stall. And even though I moved with Number Twelve much faster than I did with Digby, even she came with a stall that was enough to set a paralyzing doubt in motion. The week I had intended to ask her out coincided with the Halloween snowstorm that put dampeners on really anyone's plans but it was enough to make me question what I had been doing and whether or not this was the path I should be taking. I had managed to keep enough of my resolve to proceed anyway but I could feel it...I could feel this desire to not upset the established order and it was especially strong coming on the heels of the withering Digby crush. And while my momentum would ultimately be halted on account of her already having a boyfriend, I find that I'm perfectly fine with being friends with Number Twelve and I wonder why that should be.

      I have talked to girls via the online dating sites. I don't know what the limit is for messages before the momentum is lost and they are effectively friendzoned by me and I don't know how many times we can text/talk via the phone before it happens too. Honestly, I'm thinking it's three messages and one phone call. If she hasn't given me a number by her third message and if we have not set up a date (or even just a casual meet up) after the first call, I can feel my mind able to overcome her. That momentum is critical and it applies to other areas of my life as well. Take crying for instance...I rarely ever do and usually that is because it is resistible. In movies and television, it happens because the moment is interrupted by a visual like the camera changing to another view instead of lingering on the moment or from a change in music. In real life it happens because the person making me upset realizes this and halts their advance and even a moment's break is enough for me to regain my composure (only my Best Friend has ever resisted halting her advance...I respect her for that. I really do). And once I have my composure, I will never be able to get crying upset again over that. Basically, you have one chance to pierce my armor: I am the Shishio of emotional defense. This applies perhaps across the board. My anger is disrupted and dissipated by any type of distraction (though absurdity works best...anger seems most vulnerable to anything that forces me to think). My dreams are disrupted by insistence (i.e. logical contradictions or me trying to see something, especially a face, more clearly). Hope is disrupted by doubt. Joy is disrupted by seriousness. Sadness is disrupted by terror.

      So perhaps my attraction is thus disrupted by delay or repetition. I can't define an interaction so long as it is in motion. It is only through delay or through the formation of a pattern that I can mark a person as a friend, an ally, an enemy, a coworker, a friend of a friend, a girlfriend, etc. In other words, so long as you are in a state of flux, you can be anything to me. Chaos is your friend when assigning yourself in my otherwise orderly mind or rather, when not getting yourself assigned.

      I think thus that for a girl to become my girlfriend, she either can do nothing to halt her momentum or must circumvent all this nonsense by leapfrogging initial steps. The only circumvention I can think of is sex as it is something I do not expect of almost all types of interactions. It would be near-impossible to friendzone a girl I were attracted to if shortly after meeting, I knew unequivocally she were attracted to me. That, unfortunately, has never happened to me. I only give the idea credence because I think unusually. So while one-night-stand type behavior is generally considered a no-no for relationship-creation for most people, I am not most people. Treat me like most people and you will be friendzoned. Treat me like most people and you will bore me. Move faster than I can keep up with you and you can be whatever you want.