IT WOULDN'T HURT IF THIS MADE SENSE...

      I got a negative shock this Thanksgiving morning before going to bed. My friend, Bronx, unceremoniously deleted me as her Facebook friend. I was hurt and still am hurt because it doesn't make any sense. We've been friends for three years. I've wanted to see her more often than the one time we actually did but always had to defer because she was always crying poverty. She had to keep putting off hanging out/visiting because she had no money. The fact that she's been unemployed for as long as I've known her and who knows how long prior (except for maybe an occasional babysitting per diem) factored heavily into this and not my reluctance to take a bus into Manhattan to meet up. Hell, I've even offered to pay for her to come down and visit me but she would always refuse to accept my money. The point of me mentioning this is because the only reason I got for her tossing me to the curb was, and I quote, "We never see each other so I thought that maaybe [sic] we should stop talking. I have been looking for work and want to make friends and not have penpals."

     I don't get it. I really don't. We used to have long phone calls together and I delighted in receiving the occasional holiday card (and me, sending her some as well). She's honestly one of my favorite people and a source of joy. I don't understand this sudden change of ideology in her. There was no warning. It's not like we fought constantly or I would sabotage her happiness or simply make excuses not to hang out. The last time I talked to her was around my birthday. My Mom and stepfather were taking me to the Bronx Zoo and I invited her to come along (a cost my mother would have borne as Bronx would have been my guest) but she declined so this isn't for want of effort on my part. It took two years to finally convince her to hang out one time in Manhattan together and here I get the impression that she feels like I've been the one to keep us from being "friends" rather than "penpals".

     I sent her a polite message asking her to reconsider her position. I have not yet heard back from her. I may never hear back from her. She'll be yet another person I have built up an extensive knowledge of that I no longer have any use for. This really does wonders for my depression. It makes me wonder why I bother getting to know people and care about what they have to tell me. It all turns to ash.

     This suddenly has me thinking of an outline for a fake religion I created for an important country on a world I made up in high school. I wrote it almost ten years ago and it's eerily analogously autobiographical. The rough theme is that the Creator starts in a void that has nothing in it. For a long time, he is happy but in boredom creates the universe. He later desires to have his creations appreciated and makes three attempts to satisfy this desire, each of which fail for different reasons. The Creator, in frustration, tries to undo creation but his creations rebel. The Creator wants everything back the way it was believing he was happier before he created anything. I'd go into detail, but it's not like I thought to have it copyrighted but I really identify with that idea. It's so dangerous to want, but nevertheless ever so tempting. My life has been only rarely happy since puberty...





      I just don't get why Bronx would do this. I want to understand but I strongly feel that I never will and for once, it's not actually my fault. This just really sucks. We don't even have any mutual friends so I have no one I can talk to about this who could talk to her on my behalf. This really...I don't...I...

ADDENDUM: May as well end on something funny, but true...

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