However, that does not mean I would not like to share them as well as any reason why I passed them over (if I can recall it of course). So without further ado, here are some examples:
This clip proves there are many ways to worship God. Unfortunately, this is one of them... [Origin unknown, but it's not mine. Clearly meant to introduce a video clip or article rather than be an update. I either could not acquire the clip or had forgotten about it. I am drawing these lines from a notebook I have been steadily filling for three years now.]
: now thought to be sane! [Obviously out of context now. My guess is it came up in conversation and this would be a secret nod to them online while looking silly from the standpoint of others. Maybe I could still use it?]
My incessant memories don't seem likely to forgive me... [Lyric from the opening sequence of Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Probably got left behind since I prefer not to take credit for quotes not of my own creation. This is clearly meant for a downer mood but with the attribution, it would lose its desired impact so...left behind.]
Uh...shouldn't Jack have become the Smoke Monster? [reference to LOST. I went instead with, "I motion to have 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 stricken from the record." There's also a reference here from @EastSideDave on Twitter who wrote, "I liked the part when the Man in Black fell into Marcellus Wallace's suitcase" which is hysterical if you've watched the show to its questionable conclusion.]
You'd think I'd wise up and be more prepared...but my life is nothing if not an infinite series of repeated mistakes and unlearned lessons. [Daniel O'Brien, one of the head writers for Cracked. I can see why this line would appeal to me. I'm guessing I ultimately rejected it for the same reason as the FMA lyric, I didn't want my likely then current sadness getting mixed in with my academic honesty.]
RULE OF LIFE: Should one ever decipher the pattern, in the very next instance it shall be broken for him who proclaims it. [I don't know where this came from but it's not mine. It sure seems like a truism of some sort. I guess the opportune time to post it simply passed.]
How many songs have been written about California anyway? I can only conclude from Katy Perry's "California Gurlz" that the East Coast won the divisive Rap Wars of the 1990s seeing as how we feel no need to constantly validate ourselves in song... [This is an original draft. I ultimately worked it out to, "How insecure is California that songs continue to be produced about the state or its girls or both? We get it. You need attention..." I also rejected, "No one sings about Jersey girls because it's simply understood they're awesome." That potential update feels more like a self-comment though.]
I have an overactive, plagiarizing imagination... [This is a reference to my daydreaming that no one would get since I don't talk about it to anyone. I rejected it since it was only possible for me to be amused by it.]
Katy Perry seems to have trouble enunciating her vowels... [She's also got crazy eyes. This potential update would require research that I don't feel like doing. I just caught on to the weird way she says certain words like "world" and "love" in "California Gurlz" while it played at work. I just didn't feel like listening to her other songs to single out other examples, posting them to my update as self-comments, and then have no one bother to check out the examples.]
My confidence has been obliterated (?eradicated) over the years. Although I do not struggle to find joy in life, my heart is another matter... [This never got out of the rough idea phrasing. Odds are I had this thought while trying to sleep, sat up to write it down, and then the mood passed before I would ever get back to it to polish it up. This is an annoying source of many rejected updates.]
Dear Facebook: Stop recommending me minor girls as friends. I am creepy enough already. Thank you. [This is a rough draft. The ultimate post was, "Dear Facebook --- please stop suggesting that minor girls be my friend. My ratio of female-to-male friends is already high enough to suggest that I am both a creep and a loner. There's no need to add pedo to that mix. Thank you :-)"]
Necco Wafers and Mary Janes are only still around to remind us how much chocolate rules... [I may have actually used this update only to have it not make the "Best Of" list I egotistically keep. I'm not sure. I think of these licorice sticks my store sells. They proudly proclaim on the package that licorice is an ancient treat and that even King Tut was a fan to which I remarked, "Something tells me that if King Tut were given a Hershey Bar, he'd say, 'Fuck licorice!'"]
One thing about dying I'm looking forward to is not having to experience the "About Schmidt" treatment my personal effects will doubtlessly receive... [One thought arising from two separate experiences. In the movie, the titular character for all the years he had worked in his job had kept records, notes, contacts, and other things the guy replacing him might find invaluable. He told him so only to return at a later time to find them unceremoniously dumped in the garbage. I think of my journals and notes on subjects that have interested me being similarly treated by people who could really give less than a shit about them. It sucks and is immeasurably depressing, but I guess it's inevitable. The same thing happened to my Dad's possessions after he died. While all of us have our "trinkets", anything that was left was unceremoniously bagged up and tossed to the curb. Truly a graphic reminder of "one man's treasure is another man's trash." :-/]
If I were as good at talking myself into things as I am at talking myself out, I would certainly not be where I am now. Whether it be a better place or prison I don't know, but it
I'm bored of cheap and cheerful. I want expensive sadness. [lyric from The Kills "Cheap and Cheerful". A victim of my post-song lyrics ideology.]
Pursuing dreams versus reality. Reality isn't ponying up. [Just an idea jotted down that was never worked on. There's some potential here but I'd have to happen across it in a down mood. I can't see any other time I would post such a thing.]
What has being nice ever gotten me?! Oh that's right, friends...wonderful, loving friends ^_^ [I like where this one was going, but I think even a better worded update would work better spoken than read. It needs that nuance.]
I think black musicians have access to the future. I need 15 years to elapse before I actually like the music they put out... [This is still a rough draft. I probably decided to avoid doing a racial post since there would be a more than likely chance in my opinion that, no matter how cleverly worded, it will be misinterpreted or found offensive.]
Is my desire to keep trying; to not give up, even when the outcome seems so obviously against my wishes a product of my parents' divorce, I wonder? [I don't give much credence to this idea but nevertheless, I still wonder from time-to-time what behaviors in me may have their origins from times immemorial and from times poorly remembered.]
I guarantee that no one would give a fuck about illegal immigration if all signs and products, instructions, etc. were only in English... [I think this sentiment ultimately found its way into one of the blog entries on this site instead. My opinion on illegal immigration changes depending on the vector you use. This one was based on me wondering why everything nowadays like paper towels and even fucking waffles has bilingual labelling. I can't imagine companies back in the day being so coddling to Jews, Poles, and Italians.]
I don't need Digby to get sad. She just makes it easier (to do)... [Digby is my sadness catalyst du jour. She'll lose that distinction eventually but I don't feel like being a passive-aggressive douche on Facebook despite overwhelming temptation at times. Another version of this rejected update: "It's not her. It's what she represents..."]
Oh boy! I get to clean the entire apartment again! [Does this even qualify as passive-aggression? It seems outright aggressive toward my roommate. I think once I've gotten my half of the security deposit back, I just may let a few of these fly. I think I have to do at least one :-)]
I outrank no one without exceptions... [Another (also rejected) version: "I wonder who I outrank (am worth more than)?" as was a more direct, "Digby's feelings matter more than mine to everyone..." And I found another one still, "Given the choice between me and someone else, life has consistently shown me that people will choose someone else..." Observations made in sadness at work. Since Digby told me to move on from her, I haven't spoken to her except for work-related purposes. Not a single one of my work friends has stopped talking to her and will continue to involve her in their lives right in front of me despite them all knowing how much I have been saddened by her. I'm not gonna say it's because they don't care but I also can't help but think it would be nice to have the amount of clout necessary to have someone else shunned. Seeing such conversations happen almost daily only serves to bring an already low mood even lower.]
I cannot take comfort in emotions as their expression has led only to ridicule or scorn. Instead, I derive comfort from numbers though that has only brought isolation... [Another rejected sadness status. Even if that mood hadn't passed, this potential update would need to be polished up first. I found another rough draft of it (still rejected) "Isolating me for so long causes me to see everything numerically rather than emotionally..."]
I have a wretched (?wasted) soul, am a failed human, a worthless life... [Another product of sadness and ultimately rejected for sounding too much like a solicitation for a pity party which I hate receiving from others as it only makes me feel worse about myself which is probably why my sadness brings these kinds of thoughts about in the first place.]
It really bugs me that my depressions inspire so much creativity... [This is truly an annoying side-effect of my down periods. I wish it would be tied to my hyper-spikes so at least my ideas would tend to have a more positive touch.]
A socially conservative man is bad enough but socially conservative women are worse. How could you adopt such a position? There's no benefit for women in social conservativism... [This idea is still rough. I opted out of this posting to avoid unnecessary divisiveness. My Facebook friends are of all political stripes so I tend to avoid political posts of a combative nature like this one would be after polished. I do find the hallmarks of social conservativism to be decidedly anti-woman. I can't help but think of socially conservative women as having been brainwashed or simply very stupid.]
And then my friend said, "Wow, you really liked her, huh?" What, did you think I had been making it up for the past 3½ years?! [When telling my Best Friend about how my infatuation with Digby was forced to end, I got this response which pissed me off internally. I kept my displeasure to myself and considered posting this before deciding that not only was it passive-aggressive but that if I really wanted to make an issue of this, I would tell her myself.]
Do you get a major fine from a minor violation? [People under 18 aren't legally allowed to work past 11 p.m. (at least in my state). My store works to avoid this issue by never scheduling them later than 10:30 affording them a wide window...just in case. On Mother's Day eve, they came perilously close with a Floral Department worker prompting me to wonder this aloud. However, out of context, this feels like I'm going for a pedophilia reference. Not being sure how to rework it to avoid such a conclusion (and it does need work because as is, the wordplay isn't a good enough pun for my standards), I opted out of posting it.]
Of course she steps all over me. To avoid stepping on me would require her to acknowledge I exist... [A reference to Digby made while very sad. It needed to be reworked but I got better before I would get back to it. I like the sentiment, but I don't like how it starts.]
I want visitors who want to see me and not because they are worried about me... [Again, too much of a solicitation for a pity party that would only lead to additional bad feelings. Either no one would drop by making me feel even lonelier or someone would show up and thus validate my sadness. I managed to avoid posting.]
I dry vaginas... [I'm still tempted to post this one. This statement, so plainly made, actually makes me laugh and that would be how I'd like it received by others should I actually decide to post it even though it's ultimately derived from my low feelings of self-worth.]
I have never been wanted by anyone I have ever wanted... [I wrote this while at work but thought better of posting it by the time I got home. Some days I am glad that I don't have internet access on my cellphone.]
My second best friend would be someone who does not outrank Best Friend but someone whom I outrank everyone in their life. It might actually be mathematically impossible for me to have a second best... [This is a rough idea I haven't worked out. I still may but I can't see posting it while still living with my roommate since it carries with it passive-aggressive implications toward him. I write these on small slips of paper so I can't be detailed on them but what I'm referring to is that I may also be Best Friend's best friend meaning that I am outranked by no one of her chosen friends creating what I'm perceiving to be a "tied for first" type situation meaning that my next best friend would actually be my third best friend. If, for the sake of argument, I was outranked by someone in Best Friend's life, then I would think my second best friend would be someone who sees me first but who doesn't outrank Best Friend. Does this make sense? I think it does, but I haven't bothered to work out the logic behind it.]
All the counters have been reset, but still nothing has changed... [Even though my depression has lost several of its drumbeats recently, it does not mean the depression has been mortally wounded.]
Did you ever have one of those days where you wanted to be run through with a sword? Not suicidally; but rather, the shocking result of a climactic battle... [I don't remember exactly, but I think this is a reference to hope prevailing over despairing sadness as roundabout as that seems. That feeling that would result from having your depression's worldview suddenly and irrevocably invalidated. I was picturing a personification of my depression gloating over a severely weakened personification of my hope being run through by a sword borne by my reason for hoping but I don't think it's possible for anyone except me to have such an idea ever occur to them upon reading such an update so I rejected it for being too obscure.]
How often must one repeat a lie before (?until) it becomes a truth? [Another Digby reference. This one specifically referring to me wondering how long I have to tell myself that I don't want her before I stop wanting her? It must work because with the exception of the First One, I don't desire my old crushes anymore (and in some cases not even lustfully).]
Thank you Mom for not aborting me... [I intended to make this my Mother's Day update but totally forgot it was Mother's Day (seriously) on account of my night shift mentality (i.e. since Mother's Day is Sunday and I started work that day on Saturday, it's not Sunday until I wake up). I also considered following this up the next day with, "By the way, yesterday's status update was sarcastic..." but I wasn't in a depressed mood like I was when I first came up with this idea so the follow-up would not have been likely.]
I'm sure there are more of these but I don't feel like digging through every scrap of paper I haven't gotten around to throwing away yet. I'll save 'em for another entry :-)
1 comment:
Okay, I think I'm done editing and correcting mistakes now. See what y'all miss if you're only reading these through your e-mails? :-)
Post a Comment