This Monday marked eighty-four days since Digby formally rejected me. I think I've spent between 70-80% of those days in a state of sadness. Even now, I am not so much "better" as I am neutral. But I think twelve weeks spent in a near constant state of downness have finally taken their toll and I am building at least somewhat of an immunity to her from simple exposure alone.
I still feel upon sight, an immediate drain of will as well as a perceived loss of body heat which I associate as a sign of a coming sadness. Sadnesses are periods of low-energy and a feeling of a loss of body heat would suggest that I am slowing down. It doesn't make me cold, it just feels like the gears of my thoughts are grinding to a halt and releasing heat while doing so. However, I'm guessing this effect is weakening.
Generally, our schedules overlap for two hours maximum so my exposure times during our shared workdays have been for that duration and when we are working, I generally see her within thirty seconds of entering the store. If my body were the White Star, she is the Walker ship of Σ957. And that would mark the start of a very down night and next few days regardless of whether she would be there the following day to refertilize the mood. She's been a corrosive acid or radioactive poison all these weeks leaving me weak, unwilling, with tunnel-vision, strongly left-eye dominant, and on auto-pilot. I can still do what I have to do, but considerably more slowly and with greater deliberateness to my actions suggesting a machine-like movement. It's like she strips the desire for me to be human from me.
However, with the coming Memorial Day, our store is busier. I entered work on Sunday night and did not see her. This has happened before, she may have been outside on break. But I did not see her upon clocking in nor did she seem to be there at all. For a full hour...nothing. I actually let down my guard thinking I had been granted another night free from her, but it wasn't so. She would turn up suddenly to clock out for break. Turns out she had been on the floor this whole time on random tasks but it did serve as a testing opportunity.
The mood decline began immediately like normal but the resultant mood is never immediate. It requires a build-up of toxins first. Had she been leaving for the night, I would have easily recovered in less than an hour without ever slipping into a depressed state, just the wavering state that precedes it before climbing out of it. But she came back...and was finished with the floor work, so she'd remain up front leaving me to endure her withering presence for that last hour. I started slipping...it feels like being buffeted by a strong, chilling wind leaving you with a desire to give up...I felt certain I would enter a fully depressed state, but I ultimately avoided it. After that hour, she left to go home. My exposure was half-normal. I was on my way to a depressed state, but was able to climb out of it this time. It may have been anomalous: I don't know yet. But it is, nevertheless, a good sign that I may only have another few months of this before I will be able to resist her sufficiently to scar over the wound to my heart.
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