The whole time I was there, I couldn't help but think that this is what it feels like to be a supportive parent. After just a half-hour, I was confident that I was not going to be having a good time this night. I wanted to go but I stuck it out because she is my friend and I didn't just want to ditch her...not that I think she would've cared all too much. At least her slightly older than me coworker was easy on the eyes...not that anything would happen there. The birthday girl was trying to set her up with someone else so I --- look how I'm trying to project like I actually would've said anything to her even if there were no politics involved...Ha!
The guy the birthday girl was trying to set up was actually pretty funny telling some raunchy stories...too bad those stories only started coming out about three hours into the "party". I also hated that I knew no one there so I felt compelled to stay close to the birthday girl and her DD, whom I'm thinking would've rather I socialized a bit...or at all really. I was unintentionally acting as a cockblocker :-)
It was a much quieter gathering last year. The tavern is finished building now so more people come in. Plus the birthday girl's mother took her home last year so I was able to leave my usual "gift" of a birthday card and brownies with her. This year I was literally left holding the bag until the end of the night. Had I not brought that bag, I'm guessing I would've left much, much earlier than I did. I always find a way to make the wrong decisions even when I didn't know there was a bad decision to be made...
The whole experience made me feel like a pak'ma'ra: that is, people can see me, they know I'm there, but they actively ignore me. I'm always lonely in a crowd and feel compelled to remain in the background. I don't get the inside jokes and references cuz we're not close friends. Her friends don't know me so they have no real reason to engage me in conversation and really, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not exactly an outgoing man. I prefer quiet places and one-on-one interactions. Three's a crowd most certainly...
Honestly I don't even know what I exactly mean to her. Sometimes I think it's because she owes me money that she throws me these socializing bones. Of course that's also my default inferior-feeling thoughts. I can't imagine why anyone would love me/want me around...for any reason other than compulsion/pity. I feel like there always has to a catch or some other anchor to justify my coming along. One-on-one, I'm passable so long as our interests are in sync or the other person simply needs another to listen...I'm good at listening. I'm just not good at being wanted or at least I'm not good at feeling wanted and I seem an expert at doing everything possible so as to appear undesirable.
I am a perfectly fucked up mess; a waste of a human life.
Don't get me wrong: I'm glad I got to see her again. Her appearances have become far too rare since she has to work so much and also, I'm a third or fourth-tier friend so the chances of her dedicating time to me [when she actually has some free] as a first option are incredibly low. I don't say that as a knock at her. I totally get that. Even my friends have a rough tier-group to them as well. Some are better suited for some kinds of gatherings than others. It would've been nice if I knew even one other person there. At least then I wouldn't've felt like such a hovering creep. :-)
1 comment:
this makes me sad. i remember when we talked about this.
Post a Comment