INIMANDVS V

      Just yesterday I finally climbed out of a ten day depression catalyzed by the last girl I've wanted. She's working later again so I have to see her more...again. I have no defenses against her. It was a one-two punch to my heart that got started on September 8th. I was starting to get better from that one but on the 16th, I was brought right the fuck back down and HARD. I still can't tell if this pain in my throat is from a developing sickness (it doesn't feel like one) or because I strained my neck muscles from clenching my jaw all night that night. Seriously...

      When my down periods get strong, I shut down and go into auto-pilot. I still hear and see everything: I'm capable of performing the tasks asked of me (albeit more slowly)...I just shut down. I stop speaking except when absolutely necessary and even then it's minimalist and in muffled tones with no attempt made to project. My thoughts go quiet as well. I become a living machine and I get weaker the longer I'm in this state. I'm sure it's not a good thing when I get this way because what I'm feeling is me doing everything possible to REMAIN in that state rather than get out of it. I try to shut down to humor, anger, and fear...anything that would cause my adrenaline to wake me out of such stupors... It takes a lot of energy to remain in that state and it puts a lot of stress on my heart and yet once I get there, that's exactly where I want to remain... My brain is stupid.

      I think she's literally killing me...but only because I let her. Sigh.....

ADDENDUM: I think this was my bottom. I entered into an accelerating recovery since this point and am actually feeling quite like myself again for the first time in a long while.