I re-upped on my college nickname today.
At work last night, I had two rather attractive girls come to my line buying Coca-Cola products and fruit. As they were leaving, Twilight [Twin's friend] pointed out that one of them was checking me out. I did not notice at all...too busy focusing on the task at hand which was trying to figure out which actress the other one who wasn't checking me out reminded me of. I settled on a young Lisa Edelstein.
Now I feel bad and by bad, I mean stupid. I would like to say I'm out of practice with these things; but really, how can one be "out of practice" when his last two confirmed "being checked out"s were in 1998? And even then, I caught on to neither Visa nor Vegan right away...thus College Nickname I suppose.
And my heart had finally let go of Digby just two months ago too and now I have something new for my low self-esteem to sink its hooks into. And no, "there's always next time" doesn't work for me when "next time", as far as I am concerned, will be another twelve years from now. This is gonna bother me for months. I can already feel my mood has destabilized. My thoughts feel as though they are aligning, but whether they'll start "spinning" into a vortex...I don't know yet.
I picture my thoughts and emotions like currents and ideas like masses which draw on those currents. Strong ideas [both good and bad] take what would normally be essentially randomized thoughts and feelings and put them on the same page...the same alignment...drawn to that idea. And like water flowing down the drain, when conditions are right, they form a whirlpool and dominate my mental landscape until it dissipates or gets disrupted. Depressions feel like vortices that draw those currents inward, shedding energy to do so. What's the opposite of depression? Euphoria?...eh, Euphorias feel like vortices whose currents are being spun outward leaving me feeling more animated. I suppose the same could be said of nervousness/wrath and longing/lust and gluttony/greed and so forth like that.
I do feel like I will slip into a brief down-period as my mind learns how to use this newfound disturbance against me and links the feeling to other things which I don't like about myself.
(originally posted to That Other Journal on January 10, 2010)
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