THE AUDACITY OF HOPE...

      Regarding the situation with my apartment, a little over a week ago my coworkers advised me that a friend of theirs was looking for a place to live. She had been living with her boyfriend but they have since broken up but are still awkwardly living together for the time-being. They both understandably want to part ways. She's a stewardess on international flights so she's not around much and is basically looking for a place to crash when she is home. I was off when this conversation came up but, as I've said, my coworkers felt I would be a good match for her seeing as how I am tidy and responsible. She would also prefer a male roommate which I am so uh...bonus?

      We ended up meeting at work the following Sunday (this would be April 3rd for those of you keeping track) and talked for much longer than I should have been allowed to get away with - like a half hour: did nobody notice I wasn't at my post? I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment in that I rarely do such things so I was given a little leeway this time or if I simply make no impression on the management when I'm there (in the sense that I am less a personality and more a drone). Anyways...

      The maximum rent the stewardess could afford was within the range I am paying to live here. She told me about what she does and her current situation. She described past situations where she had been burned by friends causing her to lose her security deposit and having to pay certain bills like cable all by herself so she was understanding of my skepticism of having a virtual stranger to live with. She also added that she was looking to move in by May or June at the latest (my current lease ends June 30th) with May being preferable so she could avoid having to stay with a friend for a month and that she may or may not be bringing two cats with her (this would depend on whether or not her ex-boyfriend wanted them). Regarding the cats, I was more than okay. I even told her that I would be happy to care for them while she was away. If they are as friendly as she claims, they might actually yield a positive psychological benefit as well in that they could moderate my increasingly frequent and longer-lasting sad periods which may become yet another full-blown depression in the coming months. The only potential problem was whether or not my current roommate would be willing to oblige her and move out sooner. We exchanged information and parted.

       Now, given the choice between attempting to pay for an apartment myself and being essentially working poor and maintaining (for at least one more year) my subsidized working class lifestyle, I opted for the latter. Thankfully my roommate actually mentioned that he would be moving out at the end of this lease a week prior so now I brought up the stewardess and he eagerly (almost too eagerly if you ask me) accepted the idea of moving out sooner. And here I thought I might have to bribe him! Lowballing wins again!

      I texted the stewardess that everything was fine with my roommate and that we should talk/meet to discuss details with each other. Basically all her soft demands were met. Exactly what she wanted and...I have not heard back from her. Now, it is entirely possible that during this past week she was literally out of the country so I chose to be patient. But after a week, I texted again and...still no response. I'm really not sure if this is a hint I ought to be taking. I should've known too that the moment I felt hope at work that this might actually work out that this whole idea was doomed. Hope so rarely in my life is ever realized and like blushing, I can't control it. Hope just happens and when it does, it both angers and depresses me because I know it will soon decay and I will again be left feeling dejected.

       I dunno, maybe I'll look foolish for having posted this in a day or two. If not, just another item on a long list of unrealized hopes. I even dared to feel it again tonight when my roommate, upon hearing my difficulties, pointed out that if his job works out better, he would be willing to do another year here. Sad that despite how frustrating this experience has been with him, that such an option is now welcomed and even sadder if I come to depend on it in any way whatsoever and he has to leave anyhow...

      How did my parents afford to live here? It's been so frustrating and depressing lately and my still as-of-yet unknown housing arrangements are only serving to fuel my down-cycles. Between this and the Digby situation and my ever-increasing age and feelings of worthlessness and that of being a loser and unapproachability and being increasingly dispirited with the knowledge that all I have and may ever do will only benefit me...it's really leaving me stressed out and despairing. I wanted to be married by now, have a kid or two. I wanted to know I could have someone I could depend on. I wanted to just have someone I've wanted by now but even that joy has eluded me throughout my increasingly long and unfulfilling and wasted adult life. Are all my bad choices finally coming to a head? Have I finally run out of time? Like I've said before, I feel like a star fusing carbon into neon. How long until I am fusing neon into oxygen and other increasingly ineffective solutions?

      I feel like I'm breaking...

ADDENDUM: The Stewardess was in my store again and apologized to me because it turns out her phone had stopped sending messages for like a month or two. She said she had sent me a long message (I guess to tell me that she had opted not to live with me) that I thus likely never got. She also lost out on an opportunity to get a better job (also as a stewardess) for a private airliner which would have paid her much much more than she was making now. It doesn't matter if this is true or not. She could've still contacted me through Facebook since I had sent her a message there, but no bother... She asked for my forgiveness and I gave it. Despite my apostasy, I am still rather Christian when it comes to this sort of stuff. I go by Abraham Lincoln's rule: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Admittedly this was not followed with Digby, but then I was a fool in love...or perhaps just a fool.