A REASON (for me) TO SMILE

      I've been feeling whole again lately. My confidence is or is nearly restored. I'm walking tall and looking ahead rather than at my feet. I feel great. I feel even greater that I'm able to be around and talk to Digby as well. I've even been able to get her to smile and laugh genuinely. It's been wonderful. I have to be with this girl. It's a shame she's so depressed. She thinks so lowly of herself. I don't know what she's going through outside of her usual daily stresses but I do understand how she feels being depressed myself. She's a kindred spirit in that regard. Digby doesn't even think she's pretty let alone beautiful as I see her. It makes me sad to know she thinks like that. It's like she has a martyr complex or something. She tells me she doesn't want anyone to "save her". I don't want to "save her": she doesn't need to be saved. I just want to be with her in good times and bad and all that other stuff.

      I've failed thrice before to get with her. I'm back and feeling like myself again and with that in mind have been slowly and subtly speaking to her and getting her comfortable with me again. I don't know when I'll "strike", but it's inevitable that I will. I've already been seeking allies. So far I have only one I can count on and The Mystic counts as my moral support. Redmom (should I just use initials at this point? It's gonna be tough keeping up after a while...even for me!) has been talking to her at my request when I'm not around (and even when I am...just not in front of me). I'm having her gather information both useful and psychological and I'm also having her hug Digby at least once a night when we're all there. Believe me, I want to do it myself but I'm still not convinced she wants me touching her. I'll have to feel her out one day soon and see how she reacts.

      When I see Digby, I'm reminded of a scene in Babylon 5 when Reverend Dexter is talking to Captain Sheridan about Delenn. Sheridan isn't comfortable talking about her yet so the Reverend tells him a story:

Rev. Dexter: You know, before I got married, Emily used to come by sometimes and help me clean out my apartment. Well, I asked her, "How come you're so eager to help clean up my place when your place is just as bad?" She said, "Because cleaning up your place helps me to forget what a mess I've made of mine, and…when I sweep my floor, all I've done is sweep my floor. But, when I help you clean up your place, I am helping you."

      That's how I feel about Digby right now. Don't get me wrong, I want her very much to dedicate her time to me but I know that that's just not possible right now. She has a lot going on...a lot on her plate; but that doesn't mean I can't help her out. Right now I would be happy knowing that I have a place in her heart and that my waiting for her will not be in vain. I've been attracted to my fair share of girls over my years, but never like this. I must not fail.

       But the whole reason for this post was actually a very simple one. Redmom takes the time to talk to Digby as I've already said. She asks Digby if she has noticed how happy I am that we are working together again. How she makes me smile. How despite her negative assessment of her looks that I either don't notice these negative things or that I instead favor the "whole package". Redmom isn't actively namedropping me. It's more like she's grooming her to the idea of me which is what I want. It's my job to actually ask her out (again). But now, thanks to Redmom, I have a reason to smile presently at Digby rather than channeling a smile by thinking of us together in the future. Redmom got Digby to admit that she finds me attractive. Oh fucking yes!!!