"No matter what I do or how hard I try, it is still 1991..." --- Still waiting for that first date. Loser for the lose! Yay?
"Again I have made the mistake of looking forward to something. I will pay for this arrogance..." --- Hmm, not sure exactly whom this is referring to anymore...these go back a few months. I'm guessing this girl on Plenty of Fish whom I almost met with until she had second thoughts practically the day before we were supposed to meet up because after a week of not caring, suddenly it mattered that I didn't drive and that my job was not glamorous.
"Truly the goddess I worship is Eris for my mind is a magnifier of discordant trends; stifler of the status quo..." --- Maybe it's because I'm bored or maybe it's because I'm unhappy or maybe it's the (evil) scientist in me, but when I read things are getting bad (stock market plummeting, people rioting, extreme weather patterns, precipitous drops in coin production, etc.), I just want them to get worse and peak at something never before seen. I truly enjoyed the mintage levels not seen since the 1950s back in 2009 and hoped for an even "better" performance in 2010 (it was promising until March or April when production surged). Even though I lost a lot of money (on paper at least), the plummeting stock market precipitated by the collapse of Lehman Bros. was exhilarating. I hate the heat of Summer, but if we're in a ridiculous heat wave, I want it to last (same with cold snaps in the Winter). I want it to snow like five feet in a single day. I want a solar flare to knock out an entire continent's energy grid or knock out all the cellphones or completely destroy our satellite network...just to see what happens. The blackout in my area back in 2003 was amusing to me because I realized just how many people don't carry even emergency cash on them. Power was down...no credit card/debit card transactions. It was great. And I'm not just Mr. Destructo, I love that one of the rovers, Opportunity, sent to Mars in 2004 for a three month mission is still active (yes, it's June 5, 2012) and I continue to root for its perseverance (its twin, Spirit, stopped functioning in 2010). If someone is on a winning streak, I want it to continue because it's amazing to watch (same with a losing streak by the way). As I said, my mind wishes to see the amplification of trends, not their destruction. So if you're doing well, I want you to do better. If you are doing badly, I wish you more bad luck. The only exception is if I care about you. I have friends on losing streaks whom I hope get their happy ending...because they deserve it. All hail Discordia!
"This song, 'Don't Fear the Reaper' could've been more honestly titled, 'Jump! You Know You Wanna...'" --- I didn't think this was funny enough to post, but enjoy the song anyway.
"There are days during which I find myself wanting to, but having to talk myself out of, doing stupid things only to find that, over time, those conversations have gotten longer and longer with each occurrence..." --- While yes, some of those stupid things include quitting my job or doing things which would get me fired or burning bridges...not all stupid things are necessarily bad bad, most are merely pathetic or simply inadvisable like giving into the desire to post passive-aggressive things on my Facebook status (I still have one related to Bronx, but I also remain faithful to the idea that she will one day return as has The Mystic recently) or really doing anything that, once done, cannot be taken back. I've held myself together, but it's a strain some days to do so.
"You just might be the most beautiful girl I have ever seen that.....I have absolutely zero interest in.
Oh sure! Get offended by something that likely relieves you!" --- A made-up conversation about an actual girl I work with. She is very attractive. There is no reason for me to not be attracted to her and yet, I feel nothing. Strange, right? She's missing that certain je ne sais quoi... It amuses me, but nevertheless, I'm just not feeling it. An odd synchronicity I suppose :-)
"This one's different: it's not vulnerable to terror..." --- I had a fairly strong depression several months ago. Usually a moment of terror can jolt the brain with adrenaline and related chemicals to help climb out of the mood. Terror here is defined by anything that makes you react suddenly be it a simple scare (bug landing on your arm, cold water, etc.) or let's say, seeing something about to topple and trying to stop it. It can also be a sense of urgency brought on by an emergency request or task that can shake the otherwise lethargic state. This depression wasn't rocked by a moment of terror. It went deeper than that which brings me to the next rejected update written on the same day.
"I'm not used to depressions touching my will..." --- Like I said, it was a deep, persistent mood. I described it to myself as though it were infiltrating my will to live. Not talking suicide here, but something way more passive like a lack of concern, slowed reaction times, sleepiness, tunnel-vision...like I was trying to will my soul from my body. I got better though. Such states are energy intensive...they burn themselves out, especially if I don't eat for an hour or two after getting hungry. Eventually the body wants to eat more than it wants to be depressed so I start climbing out of it. Try it...see if it helps patch your depression or if it only works for me :-)
"It seems there is no worse crime in the dating world than not being able to drive. It is a sad world indeed when rapists and abusers can get girls and I cannot..." --- I highly doubt that status would have gone over well no matter how well-intentioned and exaggerated it is.
"I have not known happiness in the 21st century..." --- As a general state of being. I've had moments of joy, but my last overall happiness occurred between late 1998 and early 1999. I am hollow.
"My social development halted in 1999. My romantic development has been an abortion..." --- Exactly.
"The cures for my depression are largely homeopathic..." --- I had to drop this one because "homeopathic" does not mean what I had thought it meant which was "a natural cure rather than a medical one." The idea I had meant to proffer was that much of, if not all, of my depression (I believe) stems from my social isolation. It's not drugs like Wellbutrin, Paxil, and/or Prozac I need, but feelings of security, reassurance, inclusion, desirability, validation, and most importantly, touching...ordinary everyday touching that everyone does be they hugs, kisses, a hand brushing an arm, a pat on the shoulder, a tussling of hair...normal loving and playful touching. But homeopathic doesn't mean that so this update is on hold until a suitable word for what I had meant can be stumbled upon.
"Even if you actually chose me, you still have to make it look like it was my idea..." --- As much as I am frustrated by stereotypically female desires for the kinds of men they like (tall, good provider, etc.), as a man I contend with my own as well. So yes, while I need a girl whom I find attractive (because, let's face it...if I can't get it up for you, it ain't never gonna work), I also need that "manly" desire to be the chooser; to feel like the "winner" in the imagined contest for her love. If she chooses me and I know it, it'll never feel right. I don't understand why...it just won't. So, if the girl likes me, she has to "encourage me" that choosing her is something I have always wanted without revealing her hand. Maybe that's what was meant by "playing hard to get": it wasn't about ignoring the guy in the hopes that he would find renewed vigor to come after you or being coy about his expressed desires, but creating the distinct impression in his mind that "it is possible for you to win me, but as of now, you are not...so what'll it be?" Difficult, but not impossible, work.
"So long as what is desired has no say in the matter, I can have it..." --- I can have anyTHING I set my mind to, but not any WOMAN. I always have, and continue to choose, badly in the love arena.
"Is it bad that I already know what my final status updates for Facebook and Twitter will be?" --- No, I'm not telling...you'll just have to wait and see (provided you know who the fuck I actually am)... :-)
"My younger brother is getting married in about four months and I haven't even gone on my first date. Seriously, what the fuck is so wrong with me?!!" --- Yeah...probably not a good thing to post. It may have also gotten delayed by some promising (but ultimately failed) candidates from OKCupid and/or Plenty of Fish. No need to have that bit of sadness visible to a girl I may actually be seeing. She doesn't need to know she's my first...I need to be able to Fake It :-)
"I don't know why I look forward to going home: there's nothing to come home to..." --- Proof that being at home with nothing (and no one :-P) to do is still preferable to being at work.
"There are few things more ghoulish than people depending on an inheritance..." --- I'm sure there are actually plenty of things more ghoulish but it riles me to hear people talking about any money/wealth they stand to inherit upon the death of a relative/parent as though it were their money. It's not your fucking money! It's not SUPPOSED to be your fucking money. Anything you do inherit represents lost opportunities on the part of your parents/grandparents/etc. I would have been happy to have inherited nothing but memories from my father when he died. It is far more preferable, the idea that he would have spent it all before dying, than seeing his potential vacations/retirement fund going into my and my brother's coffers. It's blood money. Yet, you have some assholes acting like this money is theirs and that they deserve it for some fucking reason. They're already spending it in their heads while watching their parents age and actually get mad when those same parents just keep on living. Inherited money is not a replenishable resource so I also take issue with people who buy stupid shit with such money like shopping sprees or vacations. I still have every dollar I inherited from my father. When I spend it, I feel it should be on something of lasting value and importance, not something fleeting. After all, I paid for that inheritance with his life. To buy groceries or a new pair of pants with it feels like an insult.
"My insanity is gravitationally bound to three questions: What was I supposed to do? What did I do wrong? What should I have done?" --- Those questions were the last words spoken by Father in Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood after his defeat but before his final Judgement was set to begin. The answers are implied throughout the series, but never expressly given to the viewer (or to Father). Father is the villain I have most identified with from any series I have ever watched. FMA: Brotherhood is an excellent show...definitely worth watching.
"My happiness is not dragged along with me on my journey but is rather anchored firmly in the past..." --- I've mentioned it before. I'm not a happy man. I survive. I live. But that's about it. I feel devoid of humanity.
"The reality of my worthlessness is all about me; is it any wonder I submit to such prideful fantasies?" --- In my daydreams, I am pretty much everything I am not in life: confident, bold, powerful, knowledgeable, untouchable, immortal, feared, wise, capable of great acts of mercy and cruelty, in charge, respected, aware of all or nearly all the pieces in the puzzle of life, creative and destructive, influential, charismatic, surrounded by willing followers, a competent leader, I have a purpose, people are my playthings, etc. etc. etc.
"I'll never get to do what I want to do..." --- A note attached to it says, "I need a way to say that so it implies both people and things since it's a sex reference." I didn't want it to be immediately obvious that I was referring to the fact that I will never have sex with any of the girls I have ever wanted to have sex with. The idea was to bait an encouraging response and follow it up with a, "You do not understand" to see if they then get it. I just don't know how to write it in such a way that it implies both without creating an awkward-sounding construction. If I do figure it out, it will be immediately posted to my Facebook page because I like the pity-me idea behind it.
"I could've died a happy man yesterday. I'll just have to consider it a lost opportunity..." --- This would be the day The First One accepted my friend request and I got to see her again (albeit through the filter of a displayed image on a computer monitor) for the first time in almost sixteen years. I just want to die happy. That's why I'm not a suicide risk when I'm depressed, no matter how bad it appears to be. I refuse to have my last moments of existence be ones of misery. Thankfully greed is strongly associated with happiness so it's not like I'm an ironic suicide risk either :-)
"My behavior is not addictive so much as it is, opportunistic..." --- I don't actively monitor things I should not be doing, but damn it...should an opportunity present itself for me to get something I have wanted, longed for, etc. resisting that impulse is like trying to swim against the current of a river. I'm like a pack-rat for information...holding onto tidbits that could prove useful in the future.
"My first cyberbullies were power outages, program crashes, and Out of Memory..." --- It doesn't make as much sense as I thought it should have, but then, the sudden loss of power or a program crashing before you could save it was both frustrating and disheartening. May as well have been some bully pulling the plug on you followed by some taunts because he knew you'd never be able to replicate your lost work. The "out of memory" one was from GW-BASIC. The maximum program size allowable was 60,300 bytes (yes, bytes). The program is old, like 1982 I think, and designed for machines where megabytes weren't really a thing. If your file reached this limit, you would get an "out of memory" error and no new information could be input. If you get this, delete unnecessary program lines, THEN save your file. I made the mistake of saving it right then and there not realizing that the file name itself requires memory. This fucked up the program I had spent hours and hours writing, making it unretrievable later. I cried in frustration over that since this was a time when I wrote programs as I went along instead of making notes. While it ultimately allowed me to make the program better the second go-'round, oh my goodness...the helplessness... Memory limits, while annoying, do teach you how to write economical programs in terms of memory.
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