A little over a month ago, I signed up for an online dating service. Being the tentative type I am, I went with the freebie site OKCupid. I will probably join another soon so as not to have all my eggs in one basket.
For the first two weeks, I decided on a passive approach. I wanted to know if I were desirable at all. I received three messages from three different women out the blue. The first one I messaged back and forth with for several messages until she stopped, and she stopped just after suggesting we meet up and I agreed. She seemed nice and was attractive, but she wasn't catching the attention of my mind but I was happy that it was progressing, at least for a little while.
The second one had an amazing profile from my mind's standpoint, but not my heart nor my body. She seemed eager to meet me for the same reasons, figuring right from the start that we share values, but have very different lifestyles and career trajectories. Despite that, she thought we should meet anyway to see if we could stand each other as people. I liked her bluntness, but I couldn't see an attraction forming: she felt like she'd be a friend only. Still she suggested we meet and when I agreed and tried to set something up, I would get no further responses.
The final one before I started initiating contact myself seemed by far the most promising. She got my attention in a way I liked and we messaged back and forth every day for almost two weeks before I got a phone number. Everything she would say would be the "correct answer" as far as I was concerned. She was resonating positively with me. After our phone call, which seemed to go well - I didn't detect anything that would suggest otherwise - I even dared to entertain the thought that I would have to live down my recalcitrance about not doing the online dating thing sooner. During the phone call, she mentioned having interviews for jobs the next day. I texted her that day about it and got no response. Several days later, I got an apology which I accepted in stride. I called again next Monday and left a message. She never returned my call so at this point, my best hope from this site had vanished.
Since I hadn't received any new messages from new women over this two week span, I started initiating contact myself. I have yet to receive a single response from any girl I've initiated contact with. So that's not helping one bit. I have gotten responses from girls who have "chosen me" and they have all petered out fairly quickly. I'm still waiting on two responses that I don't think I'll ever get. I've since gotten a couple of random messages but nothing from anyone I could even desperately give a chance to. I just don't like what I read.
I spent a lot of time answering a lot of questions and then realized I should probably do a "less is more" approach to everything. I only answered 100 questions (instead of like the 400+ I had done previously) and only answered ones whose answers were clear (required no explanations) and mattered to me. I don't know if it's helping, but it seems better than offering my two cents on things that ultimately don't matter to me.
So far, despite getting some welcome attention, my fears of going online before securing a date in real life at least once are being validated. I've had two girls call me cute unsolicited so I feel marginally better about that aspect of my self-doubts, but I still feel no better about my overall desirability. Out of the15 total sent messages, I've gotten exactly 3 responses...all of which appear to have ended. And all 3 of those indicated their interest in me first by "choosing me" (giving me 4 or 5 stars) so I'm 0 for 12 with my own attempts to get things moving. I have yet to receive any reciprocal interest from girls whom I have given 4 or 5 stars to. I've given out 4 or 5 stars to 35 women and 2 of those were to girls who had messaged me first. Not a single girl has ever messaged me after receiving a 4 or 5 star rating from me (though one did message me back...once) which I consider the online equivalent of invitational body language.
What's bugging me about this experience thus far besides the obvious lack of both initial and sustained interest is that now I have numbers. Whereas before I merely perceived my undesirability, I can now demonstrate just how undesirable I am mathematically. If something doesn't happen soon, the joy from the kind of attention I'm getting now - I receive at least ten unique visitors daily (multiply that by almost 40, take that divisor and dividend of 6 total messages out the blue, and you get a very low percentage*) - will surely fade and turn to bitterness. I may be in a bad place soon... Well, while writing this, I have been chosen by another woman. Let me go check her out and message her since I would like to believe I have a better chance of a response.
I'll get into more detail about this in later entries...
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* (dividend) ÷ (divisor) = (quotient)
FYI:
(addend) + (addend) = (sum)
(minuend) - (subtrahend) = (difference)
(factor) x (factor) = (product)
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