INIMANDVS III

      The sadder I get, the more attracted to her I become. It's such a perverse thing. Is it because I can only count on her to bring me down? Is it because I just want to feel something that I can associate with her? Even if it's negative? She's not attracted to me. She doesn't want me, and for once it's not from my usual lack of trying. We'll never touch nor kiss nor make love. We'll never be there for each other in good times and bad. We can't make each other happy. We can't build a life together... She doesn't care nor is even likely aware that I still carry this torch for her. The only feelings I can reliably get from her are heartbreak ... sadness ... worthlessness ... emptiness ... unrealized hope ... impotence [not that impotence!] ... misery ... heaviness ... longing.....

2½ years worth.....

      It's such an unfair trade. I saw her for all of a few minutes on Wednesday night. Over thirty hours later, I'm still sad. I remember when I still had hope that she and I would be together how talking to her for five minutes would be enough to energize me for days at a time... How will this end? Why won't this end?

Oemer, maht seen sahxhe gelt nïhnen rhorda bis addyl sor...

ADDENDUM: Almost a week later and I'm still in a low, though not as low, place.

THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part III

      One of my friends had her birthday yesterday. She invited me out to a tavern with her friends and I went because we rarely get to see each other anymore. I do not belong in any establishment that is centered around alcohol.

      The whole time I was there, I couldn't help but think that this is what it feels like to be a supportive parent. After just a half-hour, I was confident that I was not going to be having a good time this night. I wanted to go but I stuck it out because she is my friend and I didn't just want to ditch her...not that I think she would've cared all too much. At least her slightly older than me coworker was easy on the eyes...not that anything would happen there. The birthday girl was trying to set her up with someone else so I --- look how I'm trying to project like I actually would've said anything to her even if there were no politics involved...Ha!

      The guy the birthday girl was trying to set up was actually pretty funny telling some raunchy stories...too bad those stories only started coming out about three hours into the "party". I also hated that I knew no one there so I felt compelled to stay close to the birthday girl and her DD, whom I'm thinking would've rather I socialized a bit...or at all really. I was unintentionally acting as a cockblocker :-)

      It was a much quieter gathering last year. The tavern is finished building now so more people come in. Plus the birthday girl's mother took her home last year so I was able to leave my usual "gift" of a birthday card and brownies with her. This year I was literally left holding the bag until the end of the night. Had I not brought that bag, I'm guessing I would've left much, much earlier than I did. I always find a way to make the wrong decisions even when I didn't know there was a bad decision to be made...

      The whole experience made me feel like a pak'ma'ra: that is, people can see me, they know I'm there, but they actively ignore me. I'm always lonely in a crowd and feel compelled to remain in the background. I don't get the inside jokes and references cuz we're not close friends. Her friends don't know me so they have no real reason to engage me in conversation and really, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not exactly an outgoing man. I prefer quiet places and one-on-one interactions. Three's a crowd most certainly...

      Honestly I don't even know what I exactly mean to her. Sometimes I think it's because she owes me money that she throws me these socializing bones. Of course that's also my default inferior-feeling thoughts. I can't imagine why anyone would love me/want me around...for any reason other than compulsion/pity. I feel like there always has to a catch or some other anchor to justify my coming along. One-on-one, I'm passable so long as our interests are in sync or the other person simply needs another to listen...I'm good at listening. I'm just not good at being wanted or at least I'm not good at feeling wanted and I seem an expert at doing everything possible so as to appear undesirable.

I am a perfectly fucked up mess; a waste of a human life.

      Don't get me wrong: I'm glad I got to see her again. Her appearances have become far too rare since she has to work so much and also, I'm a third or fourth-tier friend so the chances of her dedicating time to me [when she actually has some free] as a first option are incredibly low. I don't say that as a knock at her. I totally get that. Even my friends have a rough tier-group to them as well. Some are better suited for some kinds of gatherings than others. It would've been nice if I knew even one other person there. At least then I wouldn't've felt like such a hovering creep. :-)

INIMANDVS II

      The last girl I wanted to date seriously is still the last girl I've wanted to date...seriously. I first started falling for her back in July 2007 and finally worked up the nerve to ask her out in April 2008. She accepted the invitation but subsequently stood me up. She apologized for doing so [she had an excuse] and I took the Christian approach to the whole thing and turned the other cheek. Two months later, the stars realigned and I asked her out again. She again accepted and again stood me up. This time her excuse for doing so was piss-poor. I was devastated...I still am to some degree. I really want her and it sucks that I cannot have her...not now, not ever...not even then.

      I became a bit of a passive-aggressive dick toward her and it culminated in her deleting me from her online accounts. That should've been the end of it but as time marched relentlessly on, the wound scarred over and we got to being friendly again. She even offered to take me out to get a makeover. Seeing an opportunity, I accepted only for her to mention a boyfriend [whom I had never heard about before...not once]. This led to an exchange online whereby she broke my heart for a third time. Again, you would think that this would be the end of it but --- Oh did I mention that I am an idiot?

      She did what she could to convince me that nothing would ever happen between us ever; that she just doesn't feel that way about me. Now, I feel at this point I should mention that I am not psychotically insane...merely pathetic. I have no desire to keep trying or to be a stalker or whatever. Mentally, I get it though I still find her to be quite desirable. My heart, though it took longer, gets it though it still wishes to pair-bond with her. My body, however, remains as attracted to her as ever and she never gets less attractive so it doesn't help that I have to keep seeing her.

      Last night, she surprised me at work [in the sense that I didn't know she would be working that night]. I'm still reeling from it. The sadnesses that I sink into have not been as acute as they once were, but they still happen and they progress with an eerie predictability. Her voice, her laugh...they hurt me. Her cherry blossom perfume is the scent of failure. Seeing the attention she gets and receives from others only intensifies my feelings of worthlessness. Her kick-ass body serves only to increase my longing for her. Her smiles, which are never for me, leave me only feeling lonelier.

      It's been two years and five months since she rejected me and I still want her. I still want no one else. I don't mean for that to come across as insanity but merely that no one has come along yet to replace her. I've never had a gap this long. I usually like a new girl every year or two. It's been over three years since I started wanting her and no one has come along to distract me from her. There's no one else I want. It's so very depressing. It's like there will be no one else; like she's the last one I will ever fall for. Why do I believe - why do I continue to believe - that she's so right for me...that we would be good for each other? I don't get it...

      I hate being smitten...

MORE SHIT ABOUT THE ROOMMATE

      My roommate again is demonstrating poor fiscal priorities. He is still unemployed and his benefits will expire soon. While he has made (and for all I know is still making [he doesn't talk to me about it]) money doing his illicit thing, he still needs a significant amount of cash to make it to the end of the lease.

      So what has he done?

     Why, he bought LOST: The Complete Series on DVD. And he bought the entire series after committing to the purchase (while still employed) to the five previous seasons in their own boxed sets. Forgetting for the moment that he shouldn't be buying ANYTHING of this nature given that he remains unemployed and that he owes his best friend literally thousands of dollars... Why didn't he just buy the sixth season? Or for that matter, if there is something on this complete set that could not be had elsewhere, why buy the previous seasons? He got them all just a few months ago so it's not like he couldn't have anticipated the creation of such a set. Over $150. Just beautiful.

      And this isn't the first time he's done this. He also loves the Nickelodeon cartoon Avatar: The Last Airbender. He already owns the entire series on DVD. Nickelodeon's milking the show's fans by releasing "Collectors' Editions" of the series. Guess what he's also been buying? He spends money like it's on fire.

      But I guess I am the greater fool cuz I'm the one who decided to live with him in the first place. This lease can't be over soon enough. And I say that as someone who HATES moving.....

POLITICIANS SUCK BECAUSE THE PEOPLE SUCK

      If the Republicans take the House of Representatives and/or make significant inroads in the Senate, then in my opinion, this country can just simply go away for all I care.

      I want you to understand, I don't say say this because I like Republicans. I don't. I don't care for the Democrats either but I've been pissed at the electorate for apparently supporting the GOP -- y'know, the party that has stood for NOTHING since President Obama was sworn in. Y'know, the party of people who have lowered taxes every chance they've gotten since Reagan and INCREASED spending thus creating a shitload of debt for this country who have now become fiscal conservatives again. They decry that Democrats are "tax-and-spend" -- at least they're TRYING to pay for it. The Republicans have been against EVERY idea proposed by the Democrats and have not proposed ANYTHING of their own to counter it...just voting no or applying stalling tactics to keep shit from getting passed and complaining about methods the Democrats are employing (like Reconciliation) that they themselves used for similar, if not worse, reasons.

      I can't understand how the electorate would reward such obstinacy. I would like to believe the public is seeing through the Republican charade and will kick more of them out so that shit can finally get done in Washington D.C. but I have no faith that will happen.

      If the Republicans had even ONE idea or counterproposal that simply wasn't an analogue to the Underpants Gnome's economic outlook, I would support them.

(click on the image to enlarge it)

But no, they remain steadfastly the "Party of No" like that's some sort of badge of honor. And of course, when Democrats do it, they're obstructionists but when they do it, they're patriots. Motherfuckers. I will hand it to the Republicans though for figuring out the propaganda machine. They kick Democrat ass when it comes to framing debates (tax-and-spend; activist judges; big government is the problem; pro-life (thus implying the other side is anti-life); the corruption of the word "liberal"; just to name a few).

      This is truly a country with only one party: The Republicans. Like them or hate them, at least you know what they stand for (and against) whereas the Democrats are merely the "not-Republican" party or the "Party of Everyone Else". Whereas Republicans generally move in lockstep with their leadership, Democrats are always this multi-headed hydra each with its own idea on how its body should move. That's why they suck. I think I would be a Republican if they would simply stop being the Party of God. Somehow, only that party lays claim to Him. I don't care for religion at all, but God should not be the province of just the one party. I would definitely be a "party of Lincoln" Republican (as well as Theodore Roosevelt). I can't stand behind today's Republican Party...not that I support the Democratic Party either...

      Politics sucks. Why am I even talking about it again?

(title was inspired by the late great George Carlin from his 1996 special Back in Town)

I HAVE A LUIGI BODY

      I can't help but think my age is starting to catch up with me. For the past sixteen or seventeen years, I have worn pants whose waist measurement was 30". I still fit in these pants but I can't help but notice them feeling ever more snug. The thing, if you look at me, I don't look fat or even overweight. My arms, legs, and torso are skinny but I have a belly. I'm becoming what is known as "skinny fat".

      I don't even think it's possible for me to become fat in the classical sense where everything gets puffier and more filled-out. It will always be in my gut resulting in me having the body of an in-shape pregnant woman. For years, I've fought increasing my pants size keeping in mind a quick story my Dad once told me. He warned of falling into the trap of buying more comfortable (read: larger waist size) pants. As his weight slowly increased over his life, he eventually went up a size and remarked how much more comfortable the pants were. But instead of getting back in shape, this new higher size become the new normal and then he would gain even more weight and so on and so forth.

      I get some exercise everyday, but not as much as I used to. My friend at work drives me home every day he is there (which is most of them nowadays) so that two mile walk, five days a week has been lost. I work with people who actually help now so cleaning every register by myself (cardio?) has also been taken from me. But I generally don't overeat. I go hungry a lot and by that, I don't mean I skip meals. I simply mean that I will get hungry and will stay that way for a couple of hours (like at work). My weight has stabilized at about 150 lbs. but yet I still have this gut. It sucks...and I wonder if it's time to surrender and go up to a size 32" waist. Maybe I'm kidding myself. I don't know. All my work pants are wearing out: It's time to replace them.

     When I have to go out to buy more, I am really hoping that the size 32" pants are too big. I don't want to believe I've hit this post in my life already.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

     I remember the first time I ever saw the word "Nazi" in my life. I was still a young boy and my brother and me were playing outside by my aunt's apartment. We had climbed onto the roof of a parking garage and I saw spray-painted on a nearby building: "REAGAN IS A NAZI DOG".

      I had never seen the word before so I read it aloud to my brother pronouncing it like it rhymed with "crazy."