I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE...

      J. Michael Straczynski, the creator and principle author of Babylon 5, has this theme he revisits: characters who are cryptic. The most famous of these are the alien species, the Vorlons, known mostly to audiences through their ambassador to the Babylon station, Kosh. He was one of those characters spouting seemingly nonsensical lines which were more often than not laden with hidden meanings (there's a whole page dedicated to these sayings). He, at times, would come across as dismissive to those speaking to him...but he had his reasons for doing this.

      Kosh, being a member of an ancient race of aliens, knew their (even more) ancient enemy, the Shadows, were coming out of hiding and that it was important to begin preparations for the inevitable war which would begin once the Shadows had reassembled their fleets. The thing is, the Vorlons just couldn't come right out and say this fact nor could the Vorlons openly reveal who and what they were lest the Shadows get wind of it and begin the war before anyone opposing them could be ready. The modus operandi of the Vorlons is that of secrecy. Next to nothing is known of their species, their way of life, their government...even what they really look like since they insist on appearing in public wearing an "encounter suit". The only thing known definitively about them is that the ships they pilot are alive.
      I like how their actions gave a sense of importance to what they were doing. Yes, it was arrogant of them...but it was also necessary. I would love to find out that I was actually important and mattered in the grand scheme of things.

      Another character, introduced in "A Call to Arms" and then as a regular character in the legacy series "Crusade" was the technomage Galen. Technomages were a group of people who used their advanced technologies, in addition to furthering their own purposes, to simulate the effects of magic. After all, it was Arthur C. Clarke who said that, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" and the technomages used that Law to great effect.
      But like the Vorlons, the technomages too, were secretive. They left known space before the Shadow War had begun for reasons which were their own and hesitated to return. It was Galen who first returned and without permission from his Order when he discovered that the Drakh, the primary servitors of the Shadows, in the name of revenge, had found a Planet Killer the Shadows had left behind and were intending to use it, in a grand display, to wipe out all life on Earth. But Galen could not simply tell the people he needed to tell about this impending doom otherwise the Drakh would launch their attack now instead of when planned, when Earth would be wholly defenseless against such an onslaught. He had to be cryptic and careful in an effort not to alert the Drakh's spies.

       The point I'm getting to with all this is that I've found their secretiveness to parallel what I go through on at least a weekly basis. Yes, it is very arguable that both Kosh and Galen are simply being dicks because why not just be frank about it? And there really are occasions when you, as an audience member, feel they know full well they are toying with those whom they are speaking and enjoying every moment of it. (best example)
      What I'm saying is, there are a lot of things that go on in my that I obviously need to talk about...but I can't tell you what they are. There's something about me needing to know you're capable of figuring it out. I can't just lead you by the hand to the problem because then I have no faith in your ability to solve it or help me work through it. But if you can figure it out...if you understand...then I am more prone to relaxing my defenses and letting you in and more importantly, accepting what it is you will tell me.
      A simple example is most often the simplest, almost daily, problem I face: I need human contact...literally. Touch. Ideally from women, but really...all kinds. I've been left alone; isolated, for too long. But I can't ask. To beg for it or even to simply feel as though I am begging for it...no mater how much it is actually needed, simply ruins anything brought about from such begging. It needs to be either sincere or I need to believe that it was sincere. The trouble is, most people do not understand this need, probably because they have never had to go without for any extended period of time, but I can attest to you...touching is needed to feel human; to feel like one belongs...it is so very necessary. Going years without it or having it only anomalously is corrosive to the soul. It wears you down as it is not a singular longing but a pervasive one so it's not a hurt like you would feel from falling or getting pricked or even suffering a public humiliation. No, it's more like erosion.
      Touching and inclusiveness are the roots and moisture holding the soil of the soul in place. Without them, it all just blows away...some parts faster than others, but it is a steady loss that a healthy individual can withstand either because they are still strong and can replace that soil themselves or are capable of finding support when they need it to halt any further erosion. But I've gone a long time. I'm like the soils of Iceland. When the Vikings first arrived, they saw a fertile-looking land much like the Scandanavia they had left behind and treated the land as such not realizing that the fertility of the soils they had found was the product not of years, but of centuries and as such, those soils and lands were easily depleted...the fallout of which Iceland is still dealing with centuries later¹.

      Occasionally, like Kosh and Galen, I've attempted to recruit people unwittingly to serve my goals...hoping they'd figure it out. I haven't succeeded in such endeavors. RedMom tried, I'll admit, with Digby...a lot of people I worked with did, but then I was open about recruiting allies as an experiment against previous crushes which I had attempted to succeed largely, if not entirely, on my own. But like letting the cat out of the bag to the Shadows, it had only caused me to fail faster than ever before...
      Triangulating is another method I'm fond of. This is where I tell one person something directly knowing full-well they now cannot not help me themselves. I'm sacrificing them (so to speak) using the idea that now they know something they can use against my Mind (though not themselves). I hope they will find the right person to give this information to behind my back while not simultaneously giving away that they had done so (at least not until after it's too late for such damning information to have any effect)...but it never happens. The Drakh succeed, and Earth is destroyed.
       Even when I had been to therapists, they annoyed the shit out of me by dismissing my desire to talk about my made-up worlds, language, and alphabet. Looking back on it all, I see a goldmine of useful information which could have come from discussions of how my language's grammar worked and what kind of governments and religions did I envision for these worlds? So much could have been learned and insights into the way I think gleaned...albeit roundaboutly...I'm sure of it...but it would never be and my disdain for therapists is only furthered when listening to my other friends who have had therapists themselves, describe their experiences. Without even getting into it, does anyone else see the irony of a person who feels he has no one to talk to creating a language from scratch? Talk about a cry for help, but no...it wasn't important.

     So, I don't know, I guess if you see me...make sure you give me a hug and associated normal kinds of touching and make sure I do the same for you...just don't mention you had read this article. Keep it between "us" ;-)

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¹  Information on Iceland was paraphrased from things I had learned from reading the book Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed by Jared Diamond