I've started scanning my journals again after a long absence. Hard to believe it's been almost 2½ years since I've last spent some time doing this.
As I scan each page, I skim the contents of the upcoming one. While the most common theme is me talking about girls I want and have wanted (and wouldn't've minded wanting), the second most common is rediscovering all these things my friends, both past and present, said they were going to do for me or places we were supposed to go together that ultimately never panned out. It made me think of a journal entry I made in 1994 which may be the first of these examples that survived. So, so many have since followed and I'm sure a great many preceded it, it's just by that point I was writing shit down. I can't even remember them specifically anymore which is what makes reading these entries surprising. While I've forgotten the specifics of each broken promise/intention (with the exception of a few "famous" ones), it all has blended in my mind into this seamless continuum of disappointment in my friends and occasionally family.
Every friend I've had, with the exception of those I just didn't know very long (and I suppose that in of itself would be a disappointment), has disappointed me in some way be it small (like not calling when they said they would) or big (like saying they would take me somewhere - of their own volition, not because I had asked - and then never following up on it) or really big (like lending them money and not paying it back - I'm smart enough not to lend what I can't afford to lose but that doesn't make the lack of repayments any less disappointing) or simply being taken for granted or feeling like I'm only spoken to because someone needs me for something rather than they just want me around.
I hate that I'm getting old and that my friends just don't have the time for me that I need them to have. I feel like I'm fourteen or fifteen years old...that prime age for just "hanging out". I just wanna hang out and go with the flow. What happens happens. No plans, probably some boredom, but just making shit up as we go. If we find a temporary "thing" like a TV series we watch together then cool, but I really do love just wasting time together with no burden to actually have a plan with that time. Now everything feels like playdates. I'm off on shitty days to be off so I can't go out on weekends and working overnights means I can't even come by after work because they're just leaving for work. There are no events for a Monday or Tuesday and my friends have normal fucking jobs so they can't just hang out late into the night those days so I'm just alone all the time and I fucking hate it and I resent having friends whom I love but can't spend the kind of time with that I so desperately need.
I don't know what I'm saying. It just sucks and there's no going back. My youth is gone. I'm fully an adult now and I've got nothing to show for it. I can't look back and say "those were the days" or "oh the times we had" because I haven't had "those times" since early 1999. I am on my twelfth year of being just generally unhappy. I am fast closing in on my twentieth year of being a loser...of being ugly...of feeling like I'm not even human. This is the eleventh year of the 2000s and I still don't even register that. Nothing has happened to me in all this time to make me feel like I'm a 21st century man. My happiness is firmly anchored in the 20th century and there's no going back. Four years of my life gone...completely wasted on a girl who could give less than a fuck about me. Every one of them a waste in some way or another and it's now added up to twenty years. I am such a waste...
And it's unfair for me to even look upon my friends for that kind of love. I'm seeking companionate love. I want someone in my life whom I want to be in my life. I want her to be there for me like I would want to be there for her. How could I ever ask that of a friend...and yet, how could I not?
I'm ready to set up a profile online for a dating site. I really don't want to...I want to do it in real life. Even the sites boast that 20% of all relationships are started online...still a minority. And if I can't do what 80% of everyone else does (and that number probably much closer to 100% because I would think odds are that of the 20% of relationships started online, many (if not all) of them were started by people who had been in at least one relationship that started in the real world beforehand), what hope do I have? And I fear that ever so much...that my profile will just linger and I will get nothing, or like in real life, a few conversations in I'll be left wondering why she's not talking to me anymore. I hope I'm wrong...I really do. But what has ever happened to me on this front that suggests I will meet someone who will actually want me to stick around?
I would love it to have someone just "get me". I have no idea what that's like. I always feel like the outcast. I've never been to a party, even at one with all really good friends, and felt like I should be there. I feel like people only talk to me out of politeness and if not that, it's because I know something. Questions directed toward me otherwise are generic how-have-you-beens, nothing that ever makes me feel like this person gives a fuck...like they've been listening. I have no tolerance for that bullshit anymore. Asking me, "What's up?" or "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" is the same as not speaking to me at all. You want my attention, be creative...or at least be specific. Generic questions only tell me that you not only don't like me, but that you are just feeling guilty ignoring me and want that guilt off your chest even if only on a technicality. I've spent enough time around people who don't give a fuck about me or who are happy to ignore me assuming they've even noticed I'm there after pleasantries have been exchanged. I feel like an obligation to almost all people. You have no idea how often I hear conversations going on about me that I'm never able to get involved in either because I'm not considered or because I'm the one who's stuck working. So many times before it went sour with Digby, I just wanted to TALK to her...not for too long, but a respectable conversation, but I always had to take fucking customers or she had to do something when I was free, but the whole time I get to watch some asshole who should be working get to have full conversations with her or some asshole who just dropped in during his free time monopolizing hers. I'm always the asshole who, in group sessions, got stuck doing the work so the rest of the group could fucking talk amongst themselves. I really wish I knew how much bullshit my high school education was so I wouldn't be afraid to just fail at things or simply do my part and my part alone. But no, I was scared to get bad grades and I guess they knew, because fuck treating me like a human being and even fuck making up for it by inviting him out later for allowing us to goof off. It kills me inside to know that parties were going on when I was in high school. That's how out of the loop I was. Not only was I not invited to ANY party EVER, I didn't even know they were going on in the first place...not even an inkling. Happens at work too. I get to take customers or clean while my other workplace-friends carry on with their socializing. I get to not be in the loop at work too. Only my friend, the Security Guard, makes any sort of effort in this regard. Otherwise I can't help but feel it's, "We love you Vachon (because we can walk all over you)". It's a big hang at work...but I'm not invited because somebody has to do the work...guess who? No one ever tells me anything because either it never occurs to them to involve me in their lives or they've just assumed that I don't care. And people seriously wonder why I have no confidence or sense of self-worth...
But then what do I know? Maybe online dating is for the best. Lately the best quality of friends I've had have been of the online variety. If the majority of them weren't so far away, I'm sure I would have met most, if not all, of them by now. I have a different way of thinking...of looking at the world...perhaps online is better suited to that kind of process? But as it continues to well up in me...on with the exaggerated, dark-clouded rant...
I hate not being important to anyone and there's no contradicting that. I am not anyone's number one. My Best Friend is my number one, she'll probably always be...especially the rate I'm going, but I'm not her number one. I may have a kind of default situation with her but she's quick to blow me off for any old thing that comes up because she knows damn well that I will put up with it. She gets to take me for granted, and while at some level I appreciate it because you can only take for granted people you expect to stick around, I wouldn't mind feeling important once-in-a-while...or ever.
I love when I'm out with people I haven't seen for a while and they just talk to the person they usually hang out with. I'm glad to know our months apart have mattered to you. All caught up after I answered "What's up?" are we? Or let's go to a place that's so fucking loud that we can't hear anyone who's not right next to you. I love seeing people I haven't seen in some cases for years and not being able to hear one goddamn word they're saying. What a waste of fucking time and emotion.
I would love to be surprised by the devotion of a friend, but I've rarely been. It's so rare an occurrence that to even pretend I could have it even semi-reliably is inviting wrecking moods. And the fucked up part, by reading this, you can't just do it now because I'll know where it came from. I want spontaneous devotion...unpredicted kind acts. I'd love for the Mystic to find a picture of The First One, print it up, and mail it to me long after I had forgotten I even so desperately asked for her help in this matter because yes, that would matter to me a lot even though she should never feel obligated to do so because she is still the one and only friend who ever tried to set me up with a girl (Laundry Girl) and believe me, that is a common broken promise/gesture made by many of my past and present friends. I don't even know if it's possible for me to list how many people have said they were gonna introduce me to a girl they knew or said they would find one or whatever and just NEVER followed up on it. So I thank the Mystic for that (and yes, I really would like that picture). I would love for my Best Friend to actually take initiative and use her brain to solve a problem instead of being this parasite she's been. I'd love to know she ever once appreciated the extra effort I would put into things for her instead of being the epitome of the Chris Rock "what have you done for me lately" joke about women. I don't even want to do things for her anymore because it's just a waste of time. I can't even make a plan for when she does visit because she has to fucking sleep all the time now. Hell, I'd be happy if she just fucking got up when I did whenever I've stayed by her instead of leaving me to lie awake or watch TV for four hours by myself...so glad I came over. I get like five hours with you now and you waste two of them sleeping and we still have to eat, but you'd rather dick around on the computer than come hang out with me in the kitchen while I cook. I can't even count on you not to answer your fucking phone when we're together. I'm lucky we get a full 30 minutes uninterrupted. We used to hang out together. Now I feel like I'm just a layover until you have to go home.
I'd love to be just more than a friend to some of these girls I've known over the years because I get really fucking tired of being told how nice I am or how good I am...for someone else. Calling me "nice" is pretty much the same as saying "fuck you" to me...it is beyond insulting. Calling me attractive (when you're single) is a waste of time too because if I am, then why not for you? Saying I'm a good man...same fucking thing. I don't care about this with all my friends. Some I'm rather happy to be just in that friendship role...it makes sense to be, and if propositioned, I would have to turn them down, but I would know why and tell them why I'm turning them down. If you paint a picture of me that sounds good enough for you, but you don't want me, fuck off. I don't want to hear it...keep it to yourself. If you like the kind of guy I am, then at least tell me that you don't find me attractive. I can grasp that part no problem. You either are or you aren't attracted to someone physically/mentally. But if you think I'm good-looking, but wouldn't want to be with me...tell me the fuck why because you really piss me off otherwise. But clearly none of my female friends have ever found me attractive (I'll choose to accept Alias TBA) because "friends with benefits" is something I know nothing about (sort of except Alias TBA). I didn't even know until college that friends actually fuck one and other sometimes and understand, that was only learning the term. I've had several female friends, possibly plenty, I would have loved to have had "benefits" with (some even more so considering we were going to stop being friends at some point anyway), but it's never happened because apparently, I'm fucking ugly. I dry vaginas. It's as simple as that. I really wonder if any girl I've ever wanted has been raped or killed because my self-hatred is thus that I would love to be able to proclaim that a girl would rather go out with a guy who would rape her than go out with me.
Enough of this, I have to go eat and continue to be angry and sad with envy...
ADDENDUM: No, I'm not in these kinds of moods all the time. Sometimes, like today for instance, I feel just fine and non-bridgeburning...open to suggestions and possibilities. But oh when I'm not...
No comments:
Post a Comment