UGH...

      I hate to admit it, but I probably need a roommate. Not for financial purposes mind you (though that does help quite a bit), but because I am clearly not as responsible a man as I once was. I guess having that feeling, whether real or imagined, that you're being judged helps keep you in line after all. I'm not cleaning as often as I used to. I used to come home and do the dishes like clockwork. Now I have two day's worth in my sink and that sink could really use a scrubbing...as does the countertop...and the floor...and the microwave...and the table could be wiped off too... I just don't want to do it. It's possible I'm just depressed and have been depressed for the past two months even if I haven't felt it as acutely as I did when Digby was around...I'm not just gonna toss that by the wayside unacknowledged...but I'm really thinking it's coming down to the fact that no one is watching me.

      How co-dependent sounding...

      It would probably help if I had regular...hell, even semi-regular visitations from guests but so far, all my visitations have been of both the anomalous kind and from my Mom or my close friends. I'm not doing my laundry until I absolutely have to...same thing with cleaning rooms. And it's not like I wanted to clean when living with roommates...I still had to set my mind to it while at work but the fact remains that it got done on a fairly timely schedule. I could blame the long length of the Opie and Anthony Show and their infrequent breaks (when they were on regular radio, it was much easier to take care of minor chores) but I know they would be replaced (most likely) by some page on the internet that could easily have waited another day. At least my apartment doesn't feel dirty or smell bad upon entry but still, I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

      I'm unshackled from any sense of responsibility. Maybe...hopefully, it's just a passing phase. My first real experience of being my own man on my own terms...I just need to get some pent up laziness out. There's a rationale for ya... :-/ And suddenly my eagerness to do things I like doing or have wanted to do put have put aside (in some cases for up to ten years)...that desire has returned for some things like creating Doom levels (always good to make level designs for a nearly 20 year old PC game), thinking about planets I created in high school...even thinking more about a language I tried creating among other, more internetty things which can easily fill an overnight. I wanna do WAY more than is possible for one human mind in one lifetime so it's not hard for me to understand why cleaning my stovetop of accumulated oil droplets and mopping the bathroom floor aren't exactly on the top of my list of things to do. It's weird that I have almost nothing to show for it, yet I haven't felt this productive in years. But for that positive, there's the negative that my housework has fallen behind and continues to do so.

       So I guess I do need a roommate...or a girlfriend*...to keep my apartment tidy on schedule. I need that low-level stressful feeling of fearing being judged if I don't keep a neat home.

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* preferably a girlfriend ;-)