I CAN ONLY HOPE I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING...

I know this sounds silly at some level, but I think my Best Friend and I need a divorce. I've always wondered how couples who were married for 20-30 years would just call it quits. My thinking was like, "Well, you've made it this far, why not just stick it out?" But I think I get it now.

I'm tired of being taken for granted...actually, it's worse than that because at some level I don't mind being taken for granted because, at some level, it's actually a good thing...it means the other person believes in me...that I'll be sticking around. It can obviously be taken too far, but I do kinda like it.

My Best Friend is just this well of negativity. I don't even know how to describe it well enough to do it justice. For years, I would deal with it because I knew she was depressed so I tried not to take it personally, but it's hard not to now. I don't know that she's actually done anything about her depression. Sure, she's been on medications, but in terms of behavioral therapy which I think she needs more than she does drugs, she's worse than she's ever been. I'm tempted to post all our recent text messages for examples, but I'll stick with just one recent one. This was her asking me about my daytrip to see Bronx the other week. This was her first text to me about it. Not, how was it or did you have a good time. No, she wrote me, "watd u think of Bronx's attractiveness? u like her? saw the pic...nice. ur are in the same league...an undeerattractive coupke...she shud go for u wtf lol" [sic] This is what I have to deal with. When I said that Bronx was pretty, because she is, both physically and mentally and because she's fun to be around and good company, Best Friend responds with, "pretty my ass....u crazyyyy. and Ukrainian isnt attractive. shes the type who needs makeup to fool people." [sic] It wasn't enough for her to put down my friend Bronx, but she had to toss in my other friend and insult her too - one who I went through some trouble to introduce to each other and who really likes my Best Friend. And Best Friend wonders why I get mad at her.

It's a ton of insecurity and jealousy. And when it's not that, I just feel used (which I guess would be what you call what happens when you cross the line dividing "being taken for granted"). Her problems are always my problems or that of whomever she called. I only recall her rarely taking the initiative to figure out her conundrums. But generally, she's happy to parasitically use another to get this shit done and god forbid if you don't want to help her or aren't helping her satisfactorily because at no point does she realize that I am not obligated to actually provide this help but oh will I get hell if I refuse. That selfishness. Me, me, me, me. And I hate complaining about it because I can't help but feel like I am becoming exactly the person I am railing against when doing so. It's so frustrating. And I think it generally bugs me because I'm never able to press the offensive because SOMETHING always comes up be it a break-up or this one time when her ex actually DIED or when she would get fired or when she was genuinely scared about something or other...I get stuck being unable to demand that she correct or at least work to correct her extremely negative character before it brings an end to our friendship. It gets put on hold and by the time I can get back to it, I would only look petty for bringing it up meaning I have to wait for the pot to boil over again. That's happening now, but oh wouldn't you know, her grandmother is on the verge of death so I have to be there for her when it happens. I don't resent this...it's what you do as a friend, but it does mean that it all gets put on hold...again...but maybe not this time. I wrote this and sent it to her as a message on Facebook. Regarding the bus part, she wants me to visit her but doesn't want to have to pick me up to do so which is fine, whatever. I don't expect these kinds of things so I looked it up and commented in the same message. I didn't want to use ellipses and have it thought that I am manipulating the message. I hope I'm doing the right thing...


We can talk about your grandmother, but that's it. I'll be there for you in that regard but otherwise I need a break from you again.

There are no direct buses to your street from here. I'd have to take two buses and coordinate with their schedules. If I'm lucky, it would be about an hour of travel time plus walking time. If one of the buses is late, then it could be two hours or more of travel time. And going home could end up meaning a lot of walking. But quite frankly, until you can figure out how not to nap at least when I'm over (or you're visiting me), I'm not interested in visiting you or having you visit. It's really a waste of our time together when you do that. And especially if I'm staying by you, get up when I get up. I don't like being awake for hours waiting for you to get up. It's rude.

As for hanging up on you, I don't like your dismissive attitude and I'm about full up on your negativity. It doesn't matter what your excuse is for it because it doesn't change the fact that you're a real drag to be around. You really need to work on that. You need to be openly appreciative of the people in your life too instead of this clingy, needy, jealous girl you've been for the past half-decade or so. I'm really tired of it. Speaking just for myself, I give and I give and I've given, but it's never enough. You really need to learn how to appreciate being alive and how to stop taking out your negativity on others. You have to stop putting down my friends, it's always uncalled for. You have to stop framing my life choices in terms of you. If you want me to learn how to drive, it should be because you truly and honestly believe that it would (have) improve(d) my life, not because it inconveniences you that I don't. Don't take me for granted. I thought I could handle it, but it turns out I can't. I have a limit and you're fast approaching it. Like I said, I'll be there for you regarding your grandmother, but I need a break from you and you really ought to evaluate yourself and your attitude and your path in life, especially if you expect me to remain there by your side throughout it. You're losing me as a friend because I really can't take you as you've been for the past several years anymore. If who you are now is who you will continue to be, then you will have to be this woman without me. I'm not interested in being friends with someone who's ashamed of me and embarrassed about what I do for a living. I need friends who love me, not ones who judge me by how I make them look to others.

I still have some faith left in the idea of there being an "us" so I'm not giving up on you just yet, but I need some time away from you and I sincerely hope you will use this time productively.

ADDENDUM: The response I got back was this [names changed to aliases, but otherwise sic]:

Where did all this come from? I didn't do anything to warrent this. You are overreacting again. And what about your freinds who put me down? That is OK right? You are such a hypocrite!!!!!!!
After this little tirade of yours I am really not sure I want to be your friend so don't worry too much. Again, I did nothing to you. And don't take your misery about not driving out on mr because everyone harps on it with you. You know other people...Mystic and Ukrainian....have made the same compliant. I've told you for yearssssss to drive for yourself to help your life but you won't listen. I refuse to have pity on a person who refuses to help himself. Other people don't like driving you around and won't like I have. And if the bus was so much of an issue, I said I would drive. I figured it would be one bus n easy since there are so many around here.
You are making a BIG DEAL out of me making a comment "it's a inconvience for me so if you could take a bus...." I was just asking you. If i have to tip toe around you with what I say when I'm not even saying anything wrong then I don't need a person like that as a friend anyway.
You not wanting to be my friend anymore after "this" whatever "this" is is absurb. I am the one who now has every right to be annoyed with you.
And WHere did this come from?
"I'm not interested in being friends with someone who's ashamed of me and embarrassed about what I do for a living. I need friends who love me, not ones who judge me by how I make them look to others"

----Fuck you! How DARE you accuse me of this??????????THis is BS! I'm Not!!!! Cry me a river, Best Friend is the bad guy! WHEN am I ashamed of you?WHAT have I done to even prove this? This is bullshit and not true, you just want to play VICTIM. Iv'e been wanting you to hang out with Ukrainian and Mystic and me all together. Iv'e mentioned it to both of them. If I'm so ashamed of you why would I want that? I am not ashamed of you, I know how you are by know and you are projecting your insecurites about yourself on to me. If OTHERS don't think your "good enough" and its it's now MY fault? Bacuse women aren't interested in you are blaming me and taking your anger out on me instead? That is what is going on an I doin't deserve that.
For ex..... I'm a bitch b/c I want a guy who graduted college(* but Ukrainian isn't?) You of course, take this as a direct insult b/c you haven't. In turn you hate me for expressing that. Turns out the rest of the world of women feels the same way, you realize it, then turn to hate me cuz you don't have the guts to say anything to anyone else.....and you shouldn't even be offended in the first place b/c not everything is about you but you are because you are an egomaniac, that's how you think.....
I thought before the email yesterday that I was wrong in thinking you were a real true friend and this only confirms it. Again, I did not do ANYTHING to you so knock off the victim routine.
Yes, Iv'e been depressed, yes I sleep a lot. That's about it. And I understand I should be awake when your over, so if that's the worst thing I did that you won't be my friend so be it.
I think you have to straighten yourself because acting the way you are is NOT normal.

She temporarily suspended her account after this but it is back up today and I am still on her Friends List. Make of this as you will but I can't help but feel my Best Friend has missed the point by a wide margin. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought my original message was being painted in broad strokes suggesting a pattern of behavior that I am in need of relief from whereas her response seems to indicate a far narrower approach as well as virtually no recognition of her role in this (and yes, it amuses me somewhat her lack of response to my accusing her of a dismissive attitude), strongly suggesting this is 100% my fault and she, the innocent. Her memory of others is long while for herself it is short. I might have to port some entries from previous blogs to here to further illustrate the scope of this problem. Until then, if you've known me, you'll know where they may still be found.

In the meantime, I am going to clarify to her that I did not mean to imply that I had wished to break off all contact. I am still willing to have a Facebook relationship with her, but I don't want phone, text, or visitation contact since those latter three are the greatest sources of my misery with her. I need all the positivity I can muster right now, especially considering my new online project...