THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part VII

     I've since moved into my new apartment and, aside from needing a few bookshelves for the books I don't read, I am about 95% set up so if you don't mind the piles of books on the floor, I'm good to go for visitation. Now if I could only get some guests. Aside from my Best Friend and (now former) roommate - I will have to reChristen him on this site, but not today - I have low expectations for visitation.

      Do people just drop by anymore? I remember Dad just taking my brother and me to visit my grandparents (and occasionally an aunt or uncle) and never once calling ahead of time. We just pulled into the driveway and stopped in for a bit and if no one was home, we'd go do something else. I admit I keep odd hours but it would be nice to hear a doorbell that isn't accidental or a Jehovah's Witness. It makes me feel forgotten and miss my youth when we had time for one another. Working sucks, getting older sucks. I'm lucky to have my Best Friend: she's pretty much the only person I know who has the time to simply hang out without plans and expectations...just each other's company. It makes me miss being in school as that was the last time I could have such company reliably. I generally missed out on it throughout my youth and early adulthood. I really just want to hang out with my friends. I need that kind of contact and it is precisely that kind of contact that I can no longer have...

     I've also realized since getting here that, for the first time in three years, my life is again without consequence. When I had roommates, I had dependencies which is to say that someone depended on me to contribute to their lifestyle. If I were a parent, I would have a child (and presumably a wife) depending on me to both survive and secure a living. But now...it's just me. I'm all alone. No one is depending on me any longer. It actually would not matter if I died now. It would not upset the machine. Sure, I would be missed by a few, but those who would miss me do not depend on me for their survival. I'm not saying that out of depression or with suicidal tendencies. It's merely a cold realization.