FEEDING THE TROLLS...

      A common trolling post besides the ever popular "Atheism vs. Christianity" posts, is one making fun of the seemingly bizarre and ineffective Imperial* measurement system versus that of the Metric system.

One of the zillions of examples out there (click to enlarge)

PROBABLY THE DUMBEST OF MY CONCERNS...

      I went to my old apartment for the last time yesterday to remove the blinds my Mom had bought us and I wanted to make sure I harvested these black screws that anchored themselves beautifully into the shitty drywall comprising our window frames. Harvesting them, like I'm some sort of farmer in the early 19th century who would burn his house down before moving to recover the then expensive nails to build his next house with wherever he was going.

      I don't know where I got these screws from and I can't imagine why I would ever need them again in such numbers but damn it, I wanted them so I put them in a bag along with other things I was taking to my new home from that apartment and wouldn't you know it, that bag had a hole in it and all but one of those screws fell out at random points throughout my mile-long journey. It is both a testament to these screws and to my clearly deranged mind that I would even consider taking an out-of-my-way route home tonight from work just to see if I might stumble upon one or more of them in the predawn darkness.

       I must now cherish the two which remain and hope that I will never again need them for anything more than starter holes in drywall. My new blinds went up alright without them, but nearly every hole required that screw to get the ball rolling. I am a weird boy, yes, I admit that...

MAKE OF THIS WHAT YOU WILL...

      I'm guessing my lack of rest has finally caught up with me. All last week, despite my best efforts, I could not get to bed on time. Thursday, I was already tired from being over an hour late to bed the day before and managed to not get to bed Friday until over two and a half hours late. At least the temperatures were well below normal for this time of year but my sleep Friday was restless and littered with nightmares all revolving around the same theme of spree killing and fleeing those pursuing my arrest. The last dream is the one I remember best.

      I was in some sort of lab. All my coworkers were wearing the traditional white lab coats doing whatever sciency stuff my mind was not really concerned about revealing. I felt myself possessed by some demonic force. I fought it, trying to warn my coworkers to stop me before it is too late. Whether I said this my mind or I worriedly muttered it aloud only to be ignored by those whom I was near to, I don't know. But soon thereafter, I pulled out a semiautomatic pistol and fired upon my coworkers, killing them and then set fire to the lab using a flammable liquid. At this point, the possession ended and I realized I had to get the fuck out of there because no one was going to believe me. I fled the building and ran and ran. I made it into some woods before coming to a dead end. I turned around to discover my pursuers had cut off my escape and awoke in terror. I think that was the third iteration of that nightmare that day. I vaguely recall a previous one where a shapeshifter framed me in a similar scenario.

JUST A QUICK UPDATE

      I cleared my e-mail notification list. I suspect eventually this may be noticed. I will restore you upon request.

DESIGNATED ASSHOLE

      This is something I have thought about for some time but don't know if I can successfully describe it. I've had this thought before Digby came onto the scene though she's helped keep it in the forefront lately. It's this idea that we all have a touch of evil within us, regardless of how good or well-behaved we are. It's definitely related to the desire to say or do inappropriate things in formalized or ritualistic settings like at a funeral or wedding. Maybe it's just me since I have this extreme balancing desire within me. Maybe you only have these thoughts if you're a negotiator or compromiser by nature, I don't know. I just can't stand anything going too far to either extreme. But then, it may be a very old behavior indeed. After all, the universe itself was formed and continues to be shaped by instabilities within otherwise ordered media. It may be a truly primeval feeling...to use a touch of chaos to bring about changes to an otherwise static event or existence. Anyways...

      One of the things about Digby that keeps my mood crashing into the ground is how EVERYONE at work (and that may not actually be an exaggeration) gets to talk and laugh with her; how she'll dedicate a little time each night she's there to talk to each and every one of them (some longer than others); how she'll say goodnight to everyone (and for some, she'll hug them as well)...but not me. I'm treated like I don't exist...as though acknowledging my existence would be beneath her. And while it's safe to say there is a more reasonable explanation for this, I can't help but feel like I'm the designated asshole of this situation.

      What do I mean by this? It's this idea that, no one person could ever be totally nice to everyone...as though to be nice to all without exception would result in a kind of psychic sickness that could only be remedied by behaving exactly oppositely, thus destroying (or at least severely damaging) many friendships and relationships, if the negative pressure (psychic energy, whatever...I don't care what you call it) building up were not released. But the thing is, it has to be genuine. You can't be an asshole to someone who deserves it because that doesn't destroy the impulse. Being an asshole to someone who deserves it is just. It doesn't negate the impulse within. To rid oneself of this disturbance requires a victim.

       Now, you probably don't want your friends, family, lover(s) to see you like this so it has to be someone outside those groups or at least only peripherally attached. Maybe you're heckling a comedian onstage or teasing a baby or being rude to a waiter/waitress or whatever, but the point is, you need to someone for whom you know your assholery will (or at least could) hurt otherwise there will be no satisfaction for this urge. In my sadness, I feel Digby has made me her Designated Asshole. I bring the necessary balance to her mind so that she can continue to be friendly and warm with everyone else. She knows she hurts me and it delights that part of her which needs such callousness. Hurray?

       I know I've done this myself...probably more times than I would like to admit. This may be where my psychologically damaged mind comes in, I'm thinking. I'm used to being left alone and being unwanted so woe be to those few who try to get through...especially if they are weak-willed. Nothing like a soft target upon whom to heap undeserved scorn reaped from mental fields sown with bitterness and envy, right? It's so perverse really. When I tell people that I reward persistence, I tend to leave out the part where I'm gonna be anywhere from a bit to quite an asshole toward you. But persist and eventually I'll come around; feel guilty about my treatment of you; and that guilt, being an unstable emotion like hope, will decay into loyalty (or regret if you actually don't put up with my bullshit...which you probably shouldn't. I mean, afterall, why reward my assholery regardless of knowing I'm pretty much yours forever if you do? It's a pretty shitty way to go about things).

       How sad to have become so prejudiced that I cannot accept the idea that someone would or even could, actually like me, want me, spend time with me, fuck me, etc. Cuz that's always good, y'know, to push away someone who's just trying to love me because I have this insane "need" to prove to myself that my pursuer's feelings are for real. It makes sense in its own stupid way, I suppose. To me, if you really liked me, you would keep trying because, well, that's what I do. I hate flaky people. What? Because I didn't smile back or I barely acknowledged your existence when you meekly said hello to me, that means I don't like you and that you no longer like me or at least feel you should no longer try? Even just thinking about this now is infuriating me and I'm just being conceptual. It doesn't even make sense to me. How can you say you like someone if a mere setback is enough for you to call off the chase? Unless you're told "No" or it would be inappropriate to continue (like they have a boy/girlfriend, are married, or are gay), why give up? And I feel compelled to keep doing it this way because loyalty matters to me...like, a lot. Understand, I don't mean unquestioning loyalty because that's just stupid. I mean the kind of loyalty where you don't ...well, I guess like the traditional marriage vows. You stick with that person in sickness and health, whether wealthy or poor, through good times and bad. I need a compelling reason to surrender, not a bullshit one. I need someone I know I can depend on when it matters because anyone can be there for you when the weather's fair.

       Eh, my focus has clearly drifted. What else is new with this stupid blog? I'll just leave it like this and hope there's a nugget of sense somewhere within it for whomever is actually bothering to read this shit. Such is my mind - a chaos of partially formed ideas, bizarre thoughts, and an inability to accept that others could actually give a fuck even when it's unmissably right there in front of me...

INIMANDVS VIII

      Being mad and sad at the same time is always an odd experience which gives birth to thoughts I did not know I was capable of having. It bugs the shit out of me that my creativity is so locked with these down states. The feelings are so self-destructive, yet I'm in awe of their occasional brilliance. This down state produced nothing brilliant, but it was an interesting thought nonetheless...to me anyway.

      Digby is the highly volatile fuel currently powering these states. Again I find myself wishing suffering on her which I admit bothers me. I mean, how can I claim to be in love with her if I am actively wanting her to pay for her perceived sins? I am fast walking up to the abyss that will become the official dividing line of both my crush on her and the sheer amount of my life I have wasted trying to get a girl I want to want me. I am currently about three months away from it being twenty years since the first girl I wanted, Patient Zero, rejected me. This milestone should be an insignificant one, merely a footnote in one's personal history, but since she would actually be the first in a series of unbroken rejections, it has come to be a representative symbol of just how much of a loser I am and continue to be. I feel myself scrambling for something, anything that will allow me to rationalize the past four years as not a waste but I cannot see how that could be done.

      Digby has served to reinforce my feelings of ugliness and while some of you might object to this assessment, I stand by the notion that "If nobody wants you, it's the same as being ugly." Digby has reinforced the feeling in me that I am outranked by everyone and by that I mean not only with her specifically --- believe me, it hurts me to no end to see EVERYONE I work with talk to her all buddy-buddy like (I thought that was an exaggerated observation made in sadness, but I have yet to see anyone I work with not talk and laugh with her). There's not one person who loves me more than her. They all know how much I am hurt by her, but not a single one has shunned her for my sake. That's not something you can ask for or even demand from friends, it has to spontaneously happen such an act of solidarity but God-forbid they not get their chance to bask in her glory. Believe me, I understand the desire...I still feel it daily but am denied it. I suffer alone in a kind of Purgatory, forced to endure an existence whereby I must abide an absence of her affection and approval all the while remembering what it once felt like to have (however briefly back in April 2008). I wish I mattered enough that hurting me would result in some, if not all, of the people I consider friends or allies shunning the one who hurt me but that will never happen.

      But the other aspect I was alluding to is akin to the three-body problem in physics. If it is just me and one other person in the room, that person will talk to me and engage me in conversation. However, add a third person to the mix, no matter who that person is, and I will become the odd-man out. I'm never more important than another. I have yet to find an exception to this...even when I am with my Best Friend (though to her credit, she won't practically forget I am even there). It's like no one notices or they don't care that I am no longer speaking. Add a fourth person, and those three will form a group which I will be (almost) completely shut out of. Understand, this isn't maliciously done on their part (I hope!)...it's just what happens. It's a very lonely feeling... I admit I am weak when it comes to conversational skills but it remains nevertheless, a lonely feeling.

     On a simpler note, Digby reinforced the notion that I am not worth being told "No" to; that I am not enough of a human being to be afforded that basic courtesy. And yes, I get it, it's not an easy thing to do but if you're not interested, you HAVE to tell the person asking you out especially if the man asking you out is lonely and feels he lacks options. Every day you don't tell him you're definitely not interested (none of this 99.99% shit either because that 0.01% WILL be clung to) is another day strengthening the emotional connection to you. And you certainly don't agree to go out on a date, stand me up, apologize saying that you'll make it up to me, agree to go out with me again, and subsequently stand me up again. I believe that Digby and I are compatible. I'd be at a loss as to how exactly to plot that out on a chart or graph or how to produce conclusive evidence of it. I hate relying on the "understanding" of it that I claim but I don't know what else to say. I know it's a fairly rare feeling and it's occasionally frustrating. There's a woman I work with whose twelve years my senior that I also know would be good for me (whether I would be good for her is an open question) and I would totally go for her if she weren't married and with four kids. But not every girl I've wanted has produced these feelings.

      Some of my crushes were admittedly strongly lustful, a couple were rather fanciful. That's the way it goes. But I have walked away from girls I've wanted. Rabbit just might be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, even more than The First One, but the more I spoke to her, the more I understood that it would never work and it hurts for me to admit that because goddamn is she hot. I cannot even begin to fathom the amount of win she would represent as a compatible (and more importantly willing) girlfriend. It's arguable Digby came to this same conclusion before I asked her out, but remember, she never told me no. It sucks walking away, but I think it important that I mention that this does happen.

      However all this depressing shit led to me wondering if it were possible to mathematically determine one's attractiveness because another one of those dark realizations I had was that I have been working in my store now for ten years. I have easily worked with about a thousand girls (yes, some would have to be discounted due to age/marital status). Not a single one has ever expressed interest in me and not a single one I have been interested in has ever reciprocated it. And this is to say nothing of the likely tens of thousands of female customers (same restrictions as the workplace ones) I've had over those years as well but I won't count them for this argument though I probably should since two of my customers did flirt with me for a little while before the one rejected me and the other moved on. When I was in college, I had three girls take an interest in me, all of whom were ultimately rejected whether the reasoning was sound or not (mostly not...I was an idiot, I admit it and handled them all poorly).

      What I was thinking was you get your attractiveness or Desirability Index (in the form of a percentage) by taking the ratio of the [(number of girls who accepted me ÷ number of girls I've wanted) + (number of girls who have petitioned me ÷ estimated available local population)] / 2.

      So my tentative numbers from college would be [0 + 3/4000*] / 2 which would give me a Desirability Index of .000375 or approximately 4 hundredths of a percent. This number is entirely unfair I admit and in sore need of refining. I guess a better number for the latter argument would be assuming a percentage of the local population based on the number of girls I actually wanted (even if only a little). Let's say that number is 30. Now it's safe to say that I would accept more girls who expressed an interest in me than I would accept if I were the one doing all the work. But what should that factor be? Two, three, four? I'll say four in that I believe that there are four times as many girls I would give a chance to if only they would ask for one versus the number of girls I'm willing to take a chance myself. Using that metric, my Desirability Index improves to [0 + 3/120] / 2 which would make my DI** 1¼% which is better but still quite shitty.

      Well, it's getting late (for me anyways). I must go cook dinner. If this stupid idea has potential, I'll elaborate on it upon request though odds are, I'll explore it on my own without prompt. Good day reader(s)!

______________________________________________________________
* student population of my college is listed at approximately 8000 students. I'm assuming a 50/50 split of the sexes to get 4000 potentials.

** calling it DI makes it sound hipper.

THOUGHTS I NORMALLY KEEP IN MY HEAD, part VII

     I've since moved into my new apartment and, aside from needing a few bookshelves for the books I don't read, I am about 95% set up so if you don't mind the piles of books on the floor, I'm good to go for visitation. Now if I could only get some guests. Aside from my Best Friend and (now former) roommate - I will have to reChristen him on this site, but not today - I have low expectations for visitation.

      Do people just drop by anymore? I remember Dad just taking my brother and me to visit my grandparents (and occasionally an aunt or uncle) and never once calling ahead of time. We just pulled into the driveway and stopped in for a bit and if no one was home, we'd go do something else. I admit I keep odd hours but it would be nice to hear a doorbell that isn't accidental or a Jehovah's Witness. It makes me feel forgotten and miss my youth when we had time for one another. Working sucks, getting older sucks. I'm lucky to have my Best Friend: she's pretty much the only person I know who has the time to simply hang out without plans and expectations...just each other's company. It makes me miss being in school as that was the last time I could have such company reliably. I generally missed out on it throughout my youth and early adulthood. I really just want to hang out with my friends. I need that kind of contact and it is precisely that kind of contact that I can no longer have...

     I've also realized since getting here that, for the first time in three years, my life is again without consequence. When I had roommates, I had dependencies which is to say that someone depended on me to contribute to their lifestyle. If I were a parent, I would have a child (and presumably a wife) depending on me to both survive and secure a living. But now...it's just me. I'm all alone. No one is depending on me any longer. It actually would not matter if I died now. It would not upset the machine. Sure, I would be missed by a few, but those who would miss me do not depend on me for their survival. I'm not saying that out of depression or with suicidal tendencies. It's merely a cold realization.

MOX ANIMVS MEVS QVIESCET...

      I found out last week that Digby put in her notice to quit so starting July 18th, she will no longer be almost daily refreshing in my mind. She, like all those who came before her, will now drift, being no longer tethered to my present experience, into the haze of the past.

      I will always be in love with her somewhat. I can't see how I wouldn't be and she was a strong one too...perhaps the strongest of them all. Most of my crushes have "died" or are nearly so. Of The Eleven, four remain asleep (soon to be joined by Digby as a fifth) though for two of them, their pulses are exceedingly faint (only a lustful remnant remains), another, Patient Zero, would awaken if a real possibility could be had, and the remaining one, The First One, would awaken simply in her presence as though the past fifteen years away from her had never happened. Though that makes her dangerous, I feel such an awakened crush to be highly vulnerable to reality seeing as how she was idolized and idealized by me at the time rather than actually investigated for compatibility.

     Digby will likely become like The First One but only time will tell. I am still a month away before it will begin to weaken and who knows how much longer after that until it falls asleep, remaining dormant for her return...even if it never happens.