WEARINESS...

     One thing I've noticed about me is that going to work counts as going out. I guess I'm just that introverted which sucks because I would like to go out more but I just don't want to after a week's work. I want to recharge and recoup and by the time I'm feeling like I might want to go out, it's already the start of my workweek again.

     I don't have this problem on vacations. By Wednesday I'm done spending time inside and away from people and ready to go out and explore or whatever. It's fun and I like getting to do those things, but I don't like having to wait three months until my next week off to do so.

     Another reason I wish I could quit working altogether. That I don't have enough money saved to purchase my freedom is another reason my life sucks. I just don't see a victory scenario. It actually makes me wish I could have a mild, totally survivable heart-attack so I could justify quitting on the grounds that, having been given a taste of my own mortality, I no longer wish to put off the life I have been suppressing all these years just so I could work at a job I don't like for not enough money to enjoy life on.

     I think the source of that unhappiness is in my very nature. I read recently in Scientific American a reference to a book by Donald Stokes called Pasteur's Quadrant. He had this idea that there are three types of research which he separated into quadrants he named using epitomizing examples: Bohr, Edison, and Pasteur.

     The Bohr Quadrant, named after physicist Niels Bohr, exemplified pure basic research, which might be thought of as seeking answers for their own sake with no particular goal in mind. Such research is not concerned with how the knowledge gained might be used by others.
     The Edison Quadrant, named after inventor Thomas Edison, exemplified applied research, which could be thought of as a striving to produce a specific product in response to a problem. Such research is a quest for an invention or a method and might be thought of as profit-driven research; their interest is ultimately in utility.
     The Pasteur Quadrant, named after researcher Louis Pasteur, exemplifies a middle ground between the two: a quest for knowledge and its application to benefit humanity. Pasteur's specific example would include Germ Theory which sought to not only understood what germs/disease were and how they spread, but also how to use this knowledge to keep people healthy.

     I find that I don't like being caged into any one particular thing. I dislike specialization. I would say I fit most comfortably into the Bohr Quadrant. I am curious about the world, reality, existence, etc. but while I am interested in learning how it works, I show almost zero interest in doing anything with this knowledge, content to leave it to others to exploit.
     I guess most of the big stuff has been found out already making me moot. To learn more about reality requires one to delve deeply into the kinds of mathematics I can't even hope to comprehend: I just don't have the discipline for that.
     I find my mind wanders a lot. I am the typical example of "Jack of all trades; master of none." I know a little bit about a lot of things, perhaps in order to cast the widest possible net in a desperate attempt to be loved. I suppose this is why my personality type is flagged for leadership roles: I'd be a natural delegator, able to recognize who's good at what so that they may be in the right positions when they are most needed. If only I liked leading. I despise it and resent whenever I'm forced to take up the reins. Then again, that may be another reason I would make a good leader: I don't want the power. I've heard it said that those who want power are the ones who least deserve it. It's just sometimes...sometimes, I wish I had someone I could focus on. Someone who could give me purpose. Maybe I've been intellectually wandering for too long now and wish to limit my subjects to the benefit of someone whom I care about deeply or to someone whom I believe in. I certainly don't get that from my job and my life is as lonely as ever.

     Still...it would be nice to not have to work anymore. I'm tired of it. The thought of having to do this for thirty more years is practically intolerable. I yearn to be free. I want to be free...