SOMETHING SOMETHING POST...

     Wow, I haven't posted for a while. It's certainly not for a want of things to write about. I'm just not doing it. A symptom of depression? I don't feel depressed but I guess that doesn't mean I'm not.

     It's strange. I have free time, roughly the same amount of time I've had since starting this blog, yet I feel like nothing is getting done in my life. I've cut things out of my life, like Opie and Anthony, which were great consumers of my free time yet I did more then. It's like what once took me a minute to do is now taking two minutes. My "work" has expanded to fill the time allotted to complete it and perhaps beyond the allotted time. Is it because we have a MUZAK player at work that I've been listening to far less music at home? I used to watch all my weekly recorded television during the week I had recorded it. I did a Babylon 5 rewatch for two months this year and while that created a backlog of television on my DVR, I had a backlog before that point, and I watch less TV now than I did when I started this blog. I also have a bunch of movies, some more than a year old on my DVR still unwatched not to mention DVDs which were purchased that are still in their packaging.

     While having a girlfriend, yes, is technically taking up some of my time, Costello is not taking up that much of it, so I don't know. Is this one of those sea changes in my life? Things sorting themselves out and resettling into a new paradigm? I'm still thinking it's a quiet depression because I want to do things but I'm just not finding the motivation to get any of it started let alone done. I've been wanting to try my hand at drawing again - I haven't done so with any seriousness since 2000 so yeah, it's been a long time. I've wanted to try making a drawing which would be suitable for a Facebook cover photo but not only have I not done so, I haven't even touched one of my drawing pencils. I remember just wanting to color again but could not find any coloring books that weren't about fucking cartoon characters. I just wanted nature scenes or even cityscapes and to buy me one of those Crayola 64 color crayon boxes and have at it. Mom got me a colored pencil kit and some pictures to color in. I don't remember what year it was but I had the boxes before I moved out in 2008. They're still there...unused. I want to color them, but I haven't done so.

     Maybe it's money? It's been tight since living on my own. I'm pulling a profit but not enough of a one to justify buying more than necessities and to treat myself once-monthly to Chinese takeout. I've been using my Income Tax refunds to buy fun things but the things I like are expensive so that money got used up pretty fast. I want to save at least 10% of my income annually. So far this year I seem on track to do just that, but that means I won't have any extra for spending on myself. That in of itself is depressing. It would be nice to just be able to get stuff. It makes me angry at my last roommate because I was finally at a place in my life where I could afford to start buying stuff for myself again whether frivolous or to grow my coin collection, and I did start too - first time in three years - and it felt nice...like I had surmounted a hurdle, and then my roommate loses his job and decided that having one wasn't all that necessary throwing my life back into a chaos. I've been living in this apartment long enough now where I can start seeing year over year expenses and they're not good. I don't have a lot of leftover cash and most, if not all, of that is already set aside for retirement savings or gets eaten up by inflation.

     I feel my thoughts wandering on various subjects...at least my mind is still active. At this point, I'm not even sure if I want a girlfriend but I'm not acting on it because she's still new and that has been my modus operandi all my life: opposition to change until the change becomes normal and then changes to that become opposed. It's like my Dad would tell me: when I was young, I didn't want to go to the beach. I would complain the whole way there, but once we got there and I found things to do, I didn't want to leave. Yes, I was a jerky kid :-)
     But I asked myself, if this does not work out with Costello, then what? And as of now, I feel like I would not try for another girlfriend. I feel like I've gotten what I had wanted and that it would be enough. I could live my life no longer wondering.

     Like I said, I'm probably going through another depression or I'm being that jerk-ass kid again and soon everything will be "normal" again...