THE SECRET TO PERFECT POPCORN (who knew there actually was one?)

     Years ago I gave up microwave popcorn, not because of some bullshit health concern but because companies like Orville Redenbacher, Pop Secret, and Act II shrank the size of their packages. Microwaves have preset popcorn settings designed for 3½ oz. bags. Yes, I could take the time to figure out the time difference but I'm lazy and absolutely HATE when companies shrink product sizes to raise prices rather than hold the size and be honest that inflation is an insidious thing eating away at the value of everyone's dollar like the tax on the poor it is.

Don't think I forgot about you, supposed-to-be-half-gallon-sized ice-cream

You used to be 1 lb. bags when I was young before becoming 14.8 oz., 12.6 oz., and now 11.4 oz.

 Bastards...

      So I went back to making popcorn in a pot over the stove. The thing is, no matter what I did, the kernels always came out chewy. They could never match the awesomeness of microwave popcorn. Just what does that electromagnetic radiation do to those kernels that makes them come out so fluffy and crunchy anyway*?

     It made eating popcorn a decidedly less satisfactory experience. I tried looking online for solutions. Nothing worked. Whether I kept the lid closed or slightly ajar...chewy. Whether I heated the pot first and then added the kernel or heated the pot and kernels simultaneously...chewy. The solution continued to elude me until one day I noticed the bag of popcorn seeds actually had cooking instructions on them. Here I thought making popcorn was about as simple as making cereal, who the heck would need instructions?

     Curious, I read them. Unlike the Orville Redenbacher seeds, the store-brand variety had an extra step and this step has proven to be the secret that apparently no one else online has figured out when it comes to making perfect stovetop popcorn.

     Roasting.

     Yep, that's right...roasting. The instructions were as follows:

• STEP 1: Place a small amount of oil in the pot (a few tablespoons)
• STEP 2: Add a half-cup of popcorn seeds and cover.
• STEP 3: Over medium heat (not full blast!), heat the pot, shaking occasionally to distribute both the oil and seeds.
• STEP 4: When the first kernels start popping, remove the pot from heat to a cool burner (i.e. one that hasn't been used) and let the pot sit for a minute. Do not remove the lid (though you can add butter at this step if you wish)
• STEP 5: After a minute, return the pot (with the lid still on) to the original burner and continue heating over medium heat (again, not full blast)
• STEP 6: When the kernels begin popping, shake the pot to stir up and redistribute the remaining kernels. Popcorn is done, like with microwave popcorn, when it goes 1-2 seconds without another pop.
• STEP 7: Empty into a bag/bowl and enjoy.

     Step 4 was the secret. Who knew? Sure, it takes a little longer to make, but it comes out fantastically. Leaving the lid ajar (to let steam escape) is unnecessary. Nope, it's letting these kernels stew in hot oil for a bit.

     So if your stovetop popcorn's been lackluster, give it shot like I've outlined above. I'm going to make some right after I post!**

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* Now I wonder if microwave popcorn has been pre-roasted...

** Yes, I'm secretly hoping this post becomes popular...