CELLULAR MARGINALIZATION...

     I've finally pinpointed the time when I first felt decoupled from the world as though no longer a part of it: cellphones. I think cellphones represent a sea change in our culture not so much because of what they are, but what they have enabled. They started proliferating in 1999 and by the advent of smartphones capable of accessing the internet, the change was too far along for me to feel like I could ever be a part of the world again.

     I feel marginalized by them. It's in my nature (or at least I'm well disciplined) to be patient and to delay gratification. I can't imagine answering an unexpected cellphone call nor can I imagine myself responding to a text in public and especially if I'm around friends and/or gathered with family. I thought such behavior was considered rude. Now, it's whatever and I'm the weirdo for sticking to that and now I'm the asshole if I get mad when I'm interrupted because someone couldn't wait to respond to a text.

     When I make plans or agree to the plans of another, I stick to them and budget my time accordingly in order to show up on time and at the agreed-upon place. But if I get mad when plans are changed last minute or when people text to say they're going to be late, again...I'm the asshole. I don't understand when the world became so fly by the seat of one's pants. I don't understand how or why planning has come to be seen as obsolete; how it is in any way more virtuous to alter plans via constant updates, punishing those who would keep them. But now it's considered a punishment to hold others to plans. I don't get it...God forbid we do what we said we were going to do.

     Smartphones have added another element to my feelings of obsolescence. Now the idea of waiting until later to do something has been almost completely taken off the table and for some reason this is celebrated.

     And I say all this as a coward. One would think I would welcome texting over conversation; that I would welcome distractions to avoid interacting with groups of people; that I would welcome popping in earbuds to block out the public world around me...but I don't.
     I don't actually carry my cellphone with me when I leave my apartment (unless I'm going someplace I've never been before since payphones are no longer a thing). Why should I? Growing up, the telephone hung on a wall. Later they became somewhat portable but they were still tied to the home. I've spent more than half my life being comfortable being out of contact and perhaps more so, EXPECTING to be out of contact when I've left my home to run an errand. When people learn of this, they act as if I am mad. And it's not the kids who act that, but the adults. Those same adults who, like me, did not have cellphones growing up.
     I don't listen to music when I'm walking. Not having a car, I'm a professional pedestrian - if such a thing may be said. I know the value of being aware of environmental sounds for my own safety but even outside that. If I'm walking in a park or sightseeing, I don't want to be shut out from it. I don't see the point of going outside to listen to music. It's like people today are afraid of silence and I don't know where that fear came from. In some ways I can understand women doing so...men are proven assholes so providing a visual cue of "Don't talk to me" may have actually proven liberating for women. I wouldn't be surprised if their mp3 players aren't actually on: that it's all an act because men just don't know how to keep to themselves in public.
     I don't like texting. And again, this comes from a coward who avoids talking to people at practically all costs. However, despite that, I feel if I do want to talk to someone that...I should talk to that someone; that even if it's all subconsciously processed, body language and tone of voice is important when getting to know someone. I don't want to hide or avoid that obligation when it comes about.
     I don't mind being bored. I feel no terror when bored yet I swear people do or that they feel boredom is bad for you somehow. I feel no need to fill every waking moment with an activity nor do I feel compelled to respond to texts and phone calls immediately. I'm not a doctor, EMT, police officer, volunteer fireman, etc. whose services may be required at a moment's notice. Whatever it is, it can wait. Good news can wait. Bad news can wait too. And bullshit...bullshit can DEFINITELY wait until later. And if it's really bad news, well...bad news has a way of finding you. Because of that, I feel no need to even look at my phone when out and about.

     When I go out, I'm going out. When I go out with friends, I'm going out to see those friends. When I'm seeing family, I'm there to see my family. I don't think it's wrong to be busy. Likewise, I don't think it's wrong to expect other people to be busy when they're out with their friends too. Phones used to have busy signals. I miss those. Now that I think about it, the introduction of call waiting was a harbinger of things to come. I would never answer call waiting. Why? Because I'm talking to you now. I don't see how it's good psychologically to tell your friend that you have other things you'd rather be doing than talking to them...
     How ironic that putting my friends first while I'm with them in person and believing that others should do the same would make me the impolite one. Sorry that I don't feel it an appropriate time to look at who's texted me...

     But that's not how the world works anymore. I can lament it. I can wish it weren't so or that it would go back to the way it was...but that won't happen. Regardless of whether my positions are better or saner is irrelevant because they're obsolete. I'm obsolete. I don't foresee me ever fitting in with this brave new world of what I perceive to be rudeness, impulsiveness, and impatience. I just fade. For all the good cellphones can and do do, the shitty behaviors they've liberated from their users are alien to me. It's not something I can ever in good faith join.
     I'm not saying I don't ever feel the temptation nor do I wish to imply that I myself have never engaged in such behaviors. Besides, one doesn't need a cellphone to be rude and I've been rude in my day. I wasted many weekends playing videogames, listening to music, and watching TV shows nonstop (sometimes just to watch something...anything. I wasn't even all that into a lot of shows I watched as a kid) when maybe my Mom or Dad would have rather me spent some time with them. Looking back on it, I'm not proud. I could've been...should've been...a better son. The point is, I'm certainly not innocent. Maybe it's just all too new so a culture and its associated rules haven't been established yet. Maybe in the coming decades, I'll feel a part of this world again as people temper their behavior in light of what these machines are capable of doing to us. But I don't know, the drug of now is most addicting.

     Even television's not the same. VCRs in a way started it, but their capacity was limited so the idea of binge-watching an entire season wasn't exactly a thing. VCRs allowed a person who would otherwise be left out join in the conversation. Television used to be a cultural thing. Sure, there were repeats in the Summer but otherwise you had to watch the show when it aired or risk being left out. There were no high-capacity DVRs or on-demand online video feeds.
     It's more minor than the points above but it's still a thing now that you can't expect the people you're talking to to have seen a show's episode the day it aired...or even at all. Cable's proliferation has fragmented audiences to a considerable degree. It's not all bad but at times I think there are too many channels...too many options. The old cable boxes used to only have 36 channels and the first 12 were broadcast and local access leaving you with 24 cable channels and HBO.
     It's all so alienating...

     My world is gone...or at least, the world I understood is. It's ironic that I should feel so disconnected when the people of this world have never been more connected to each other.

THE SECRET TO PERFECT POPCORN (who knew there actually was one?)

     Years ago I gave up microwave popcorn, not because of some bullshit health concern but because companies like Orville Redenbacher, Pop Secret, and Act II shrank the size of their packages. Microwaves have preset popcorn settings designed for 3½ oz. bags. Yes, I could take the time to figure out the time difference but I'm lazy and absolutely HATE when companies shrink product sizes to raise prices rather than hold the size and be honest that inflation is an insidious thing eating away at the value of everyone's dollar like the tax on the poor it is.

Don't think I forgot about you, supposed-to-be-half-gallon-sized ice-cream

You used to be 1 lb. bags when I was young before becoming 14.8 oz., 12.6 oz., and now 11.4 oz.

 Bastards...

      So I went back to making popcorn in a pot over the stove. The thing is, no matter what I did, the kernels always came out chewy. They could never match the awesomeness of microwave popcorn. Just what does that electromagnetic radiation do to those kernels that makes them come out so fluffy and crunchy anyway*?

     It made eating popcorn a decidedly less satisfactory experience. I tried looking online for solutions. Nothing worked. Whether I kept the lid closed or slightly ajar...chewy. Whether I heated the pot first and then added the kernel or heated the pot and kernels simultaneously...chewy. The solution continued to elude me until one day I noticed the bag of popcorn seeds actually had cooking instructions on them. Here I thought making popcorn was about as simple as making cereal, who the heck would need instructions?

     Curious, I read them. Unlike the Orville Redenbacher seeds, the store-brand variety had an extra step and this step has proven to be the secret that apparently no one else online has figured out when it comes to making perfect stovetop popcorn.

     Roasting.

     Yep, that's right...roasting. The instructions were as follows:

• STEP 1: Place a small amount of oil in the pot (a few tablespoons)
• STEP 2: Add a half-cup of popcorn seeds and cover.
• STEP 3: Over medium heat (not full blast!), heat the pot, shaking occasionally to distribute both the oil and seeds.
• STEP 4: When the first kernels start popping, remove the pot from heat to a cool burner (i.e. one that hasn't been used) and let the pot sit for a minute. Do not remove the lid (though you can add butter at this step if you wish)
• STEP 5: After a minute, return the pot (with the lid still on) to the original burner and continue heating over medium heat (again, not full blast)
• STEP 6: When the kernels begin popping, shake the pot to stir up and redistribute the remaining kernels. Popcorn is done, like with microwave popcorn, when it goes 1-2 seconds without another pop.
• STEP 7: Empty into a bag/bowl and enjoy.

     Step 4 was the secret. Who knew? Sure, it takes a little longer to make, but it comes out fantastically. Leaving the lid ajar (to let steam escape) is unnecessary. Nope, it's letting these kernels stew in hot oil for a bit.

     So if your stovetop popcorn's been lackluster, give it shot like I've outlined above. I'm going to make some right after I post!**

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* Now I wonder if microwave popcorn has been pre-roasted...

** Yes, I'm secretly hoping this post becomes popular...