I get it. You've been saddled with a burden you never asked for but stop pretending that your burden must now also be our burden. Just as you wouldn't bring a child into a go-go bar or a deaf person to a music concert, you have to be aware that not all venues are appropriate for retarded/developmentally disabled children and adults.
Anyways, I see this post and my assholish thoughts immediately surface. I'll post my thoughts in blue italics and not bother to proofread them to make it easier for you to attack me in the comments' section. Also, the original post had "thou shall" rather than the properly conjugated "thou shalt". This has been corrected.
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR INTERACTING WITH KIDS ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM:
1. Thou shalt not yell when speaking to me.
My Autism does not impair my hearing and I am extremely bright. Perhaps even brighter than you are.
--- how bright can an autistic be if he can't interpret social cues, analogy & metaphor, and cultural idioms? The recitation of facts and schedules is not intelligence. The ability to solve math problems rapidly is also not a sign of intelligence. You are describing computation. These are tasks computers and calculators perform. I doubt anyone considers such devices "bright". That being said, I don't disagree with the idea of not yelling at the kid...at least not without cause.
2. Thou shalt not ignore me, talk negatively about me, speak unnaturally slow, or ask questions to others in the room that pertain to me.
I can comprehend what you are saying just fine.
--- First of all, what does the comment below the "commandment" have to do with the "commandment"? I'm pretty sure those are things we do all the time with everyone else. Why are you special? We all don't talk to people and the reason isn't necessarily malicious. Talking shit about people is a form of bonding. Speaking unnaturally slow...okay, that's dickish. What, and no one here has ever asked about someone in a room instead of asking that person directly? You're telling me you've never done that? And that you've never done such a thing without malicious intent? Perhaps it was done to avoid a social faux pas?
--- And no, autistic children cannot comprehend just fine if I'm listening to one speak about how we need to speak to him literally because he can't understand figurative speech. That's not comprehension. That's merely awareness of a problem. I'm aware that I'm colorblind but that knowledge does not mean I can now see colors better than I could before my awareness of the problem. And as autism is a spectrum disorder, some are non-verbal. I'm pretty sure they cannot "comprehend what you are saying just fine."
3. Thou shalt believe in me and help me believe in my skills and self worth.
Note the good in me and do not merely point out my negative behaviors. Believe in me and I will believe in myself.
--- Belief in oneself is not what engenders proper behavior. It was not belief in myself which made me behave in public. It was the threat of punishment, feelings of shame from having failed myself/someone, and the ecstasy of success which encourages one to be on their best behavior or to improve their skills. Plus, to use an extreme example, pointing out how well an abusive husband grooms himself or how neat his penmanship is or whatever isn't doing anything to discourage the bad behavior of physically and/or emotionally abusing his wife...nor would believing in his inherent goodness do anything to stop it. It is only through corrective measures that success may ever be achieved.
--- Pointing out a person's good behaviors while attempting something constructive or otherwise beneficial is a good policy to employ, especially in addition to constructive criticism so as to encourage the development of desirable behavior and/or skills. However, if the person is engaging in destructive behaviors (outwardly or inwardly directed), pointing out what they're doing that is otherwise good is not helpful. What is helpful is curtailing the undesired behavior. As for an autistic, if s/he has a habit of asking too many questions of strangers or touching things without first getting permission, pointing out that his/her curiosity is a wonderful thing without attempting to modify the undesired behavior is unhelpful.
--- Yes, I'm dancing around the idea that autistic children need to be trained like one might train a dog or circus animal. This may make me sound awful but then I find it equally awful if you're going around claiming your autistic child is just like any other child. No. He isn't. He's not fully human. He's permanently deficient in certain cognitive areas. Like with my colorblindness, no amount of encouragement or belief in me will ever make me see the colors I have difficulty distinguishing without either a tool, a system, or a work-around. I can either have my clothes properly matched by getting a person with normal color vision to match them for me, listing the possibilities for future use, or I can do the work-around and wear only black pants which go with everything. Neither is a perfect solution but it allows for me not to look ridiculous in public. I'm not sure what tools, systems, or work-arounds would be appropriate for an autistic but I'm confident that asserting s/he is no different from any other child is entirely unproductive.
4. Thou shalt not perceive me as dumb.
I am extremely intelligent. I do not learn in the same way as you, and maybe not as quickly as you expect me to. Have patience with me. Once I recall information, I never forget.
--- What if the autistic is non-verbal? :-P Seriously though. We're only up to four "commandments" and already this feels like a combination of the first and second ones. Also it's contradictory. I don't associate "extremely intelligent" with being unable to learn quickly. Not being able to learn quickly puts you in the Special Ed. classes, not the Advanced Placement ones. And again, the ability to recall information is not intelligence.
5. Thou shalt not judge my behavior.
I can get overstimulated in certain environments. I may be hypersensitive to sound and loud noises may hurt my ears. Fluorescent lights are distracting for me. They have a humming noise, and can pulsate. All the noises in a room can blur together. Please make accommodations to help me.
--- You're allowed to judge ANYONE'S behavior positively or negatively. That's assessment. It's what we do. It allows one to adapt for context. It has contributed strongly to our species' survival (and I'm sure countless others'). Would you rather I assume your autistic child is typical instead? Just as you don't treat children like adults (and vice-versa), you don't treat retarded children like typical ones. You have to judge their behavior and react appropriately to it.
--- The commentary contradicts previous "commandments". The first one says that "...[a]utism does not impair my hearing..." Being hypersensitive to sound and loud noises (even if only true some of the time) means your condition has impaired your hearing. In this case, your brain's ability to filter out unnecessary noises. In fact, making any accommodations at all means I am judging your child's autistic behavior, am I not? And, as a minority of a minority, why does the majority have to make accommodations for you and not the other way around? Here. Wear these dark glasses and earmuffs instead. It's both cheaper, considerate, and certainly less selfish for you to adapt/prepare your autistic child for typical environments than for the rest of the world to adjust its behavior to adapt for you. What you're asking sounds to me like forcing supermarkets to not sell products with peanuts in them because some people are allergic. The world does not adapt for peanut allergy sufferers, peanut allergy sufferers instead adapt and prepare themselves to go out and about in a world where the vast majority of people can handle peanuts without a second thought.
6. Thou shalt not be so quick to scold me.
Do not tell me that “I know what I did”. I do not. Tell me what my infraction was in a simple, concise manner. I want to please you, but I have difficulties inferring meaning within a vague statement. For instance, do not say please clean up your bedroom. Tell me exactly what you want, such as ‘Please make your bed and pick up your toys”.
--- Again, this contradicts the "extremely bright" and "extremely intelligent" assertions of the first and fourth "commandments" as well as the assertion made in the second "commandment". But yes, I agree here. I would not expect a complex task to be completed by even a well-trained dog. So if simple commands are all that can be expected of an autistic child, then that's what you do. However, it would seem necessary then to train the child to "shut down" or otherwise go into a "safe mode" after having encountered an incomprehensible task.
--- I guess I could liken it to flim-flam artists. If you've ever worked a register, occasionally someone will try to con you out of some money. There are different methods employed like distraction through fast talking, misdirection, claims that improper change had been given, etc. The best way to handle those situations is to shut down. One task at a time. If you as a cashier have become confused or have been made to lose your place while your till is open, immediately close your till. If the scammer claims to have found some change wants to pay that way instead, finish counting out the change you were going to give. Only then consider negotiating for a different arrangement of change. If he claims he's received the wrong change, call for management. Don't let a sense of embarrassment allow you to get conned. One step at a time. Stuff like that.
--- Can that idea be applied to certain autistics? I wouldn't doubt it. After all, you as their parent will not be around forever. Your child needs to learn to function as independently as possible.
7. Thou shalt not compare me to others.
Please remind me, and note the talents that I possess. This increases my confidence and positive self worth. Learning disabled or not, we ALL have talents to contribute within society. I need you to help me realize what mine is. Believe in me and I will believe in myself.
--- Um...comparison is as natural to us as breathing. That's yet another one of them there, uh... "survival tactics". And considering that autism is a spectrum disorder, that means not all autistics are the same meaning comparing them to others, even if only to other autistics, is REQUIRED if one expects any sort of training program implemented to be effective.
--- Again, pointing out the good while ignoring the bad is not a productive strategy. Hey, I think that's great you've memorized so many things about the New York City subway system but that praise isn't going to help the kid recognize that maybe not everyone wants to hear about his extensive knowledge on this subject. Training him/her to speak about his/her interest(s) only when asked would seem a bit more worthwhile. Also, a person may be quite creative but without proper training and temperance, their creativity cannot be realized. Your child may have some wonderful poems floating around in his head, but he still needs to be taught how to write and read first. Your child may be fantastic at playing the piano but he still has to learn not to practice at night when others are trying to sleep. And just because your autistic child has a talent, doesn't mean that his talent is useful.
--- And of course, believing in someone is insufficient. Believing a person capable of a certain behavior or performing a certain task does not actually confer upon them the desired capability.
8. Thou shalt not exclude me from activities.
Please do not mimic me, ignore me, or bully me. Please invite me to play with you. It hurts my feelings when I am excluded. I like to run and jump in the playground, and be invited to birthday parties too. Grown ups can help me make friends by encouraging other children to play with me. I can be a loyal friend if you get to know me.
--- You just TOLD me that he could be hypersensitive to sound and distracted by fluorescent lights. You just TOLD me that he has trouble interpreting vague statements and can be slow to learn. It would seem to me quite appropriate to exclude him from rock concerts (loud event and lots of people invading your personal space), fireworks displays (loud noises), trips to CostCo (shit ton of fluorescent lighting), games which require the use of imagination (since that involves abstract thinking), jokes (interprets language literally), etc. But I guess that makes me an asshole for considering his needs. If one of your friends were allergic to shellfish, would you invite him/her as your guest to a family get-together at Red Lobster? Would you invite an alcoholic to a wine tasting festival? Would you bring a blind person to an art museum? That's how I see this stuff. If a person cannot do something, acting like they can if you just keep trying is pathetic on your part and possibly psychologically damaging to your child.
9. Thou shalt give me choices.
I do not like being ordered about any more than the other children. Give me choices so I know you value my capabilities and opinions. Make them simple and concise. Present two options or so. I get confused when too many questions or directions are given at one time due to my processing speed. For instance, ask me if I would like to wear my blue sweater or green one, rather than asking which sweater I would like to wear.
--- I have to disagree with this on principle. Decision-making is a privilege, not a right and it's a privilege which must be earned or at least applied where developmentally appropriate. Do you ask infants what color bib they'd like to wear? No. They're entirely incapable of making that decision. They're also incapable of urinating and defecating at appropriate times as well, thus babies and small children are clad in diapers. Sometimes you have to be the dictator. On a personal level, I don't like giving children decision-making powers more than once-in-a-while. It's an inappropriate level of power. Children don't get to set policy. The child depends on me, not the other way around. You're wearing the green sweater today because I'm still dressing you. Until you show the capacity to think for yourself, you will be dictated to. As a potential parent, I would back down around pubescence as its hormone overload will begin giving them a sense of independent identity. I'd offer constructive criticism as well as exposing them to the reality of money all the while preparing to move on to the next phase of parenting.
10. Thou shalt not judge me by my diagnosis, but by my character.
I am an individual, just like other children.
--- THIS ENTIRE LIST WAS ABOUT TREATING A CHILD DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE HE HAS AUTISM! What the fucking fuck?!! And what if your child's character is that of an asshole, may I then treat him as such? Oh no wait, the seventh "commandment" told me I cannot compare him to others so I guess not.
--- Also, being an individual does not qualify one for special treatment. And of course I'm going to judge you by your diagnosis. That's how society works. That's the reason why insane people don't face the death penalty. Their insanity precludes them from being judged by their character. They are treated differently because they are insane. The insane are not expected to behave like typical people. Autism is really no different. It means I am not going to judge an autistic using typical people criteria. He will get special treatment (within reason) and he will get special treatment specifically because he has autism. People with physical disabilities get to park closer to the store because they have a physical disability. They are judged by their diagnosis. That judgement grants them certain privileges. If those with various disabilities, incapacities, and/or impairments had been judged solely by their character, buildings would not have wheelchair ramps, traffic lights would not be colored in ways to aid the colorblind, children could enter into business contracts, and the Kardashians would not have become fodder for the tabloid/reality TV industries.
~By Mari Nosal (author of the original post though I'm not sure if the assertions made under each "commandment" are that of the author's)
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