My emotions are at a balance point. I feel I go either way and that is, either climb out of it to a more positive-neutral mood or descend into a depression whose severity cannot be known yet. So far, I feel I might be okay...I devised a plan which should keep me going for another couple of days. We'll see.
I'm suffering a crisis of faith with Digby. I don't feel I can hold back anymore and continue on with my slow-as-molasses nudging. She's already looking for new work and if she succeeds, it will deny me my easy access to her. Also her father wants to move back to Pennsylvania next year and although she's unsure what she would like to do when that point comes, it's still putting me in panic mode. It's mild still but I can already feel the stressors building. I have to make my move soon and face the inevitable consequences.
Understand, I want us to work. I want that more than anything right now. For once I'm confident in our compatibility unlike the others before her whom I've since given up on of my own free will (as opposed to the others who left before I felt comfortable moving or where I left before doing so). However, I'm equally confident that she will have nothing to do with me. It's truly a rock and a hard place: If I do nothing, my hope will decay into self-loathing and if I do something, my heart is almost 100% likely to be shattered again and an unknown amount of time will pass before it is healed again. (The last few were 2 months, 9 months, and 15 months so this doesn't bode well. I could be facing 1½-2 years before I am better again). Decay or shatter...what a choice!
And strangely, all this comes at a time when I'm far less skittish about touching her. She hugged me (at my behest) on New Years and I have twice since touched her on the shoulder and back with only light hesitation. Neither time has she reacted in such a way that would tell me to stop that. She's warm to the touch...
It fucking sucks. I've had no one to distract me from her since I first laid eyes on her 3½ years ago. There were some who could have, I remember them...but they're gone now. When I'm transfixed, I won't let go...but I can be pried off with effort. However that effort must originate in the other since it won't with me regardless of crises of faith. It is these notably absent efforts that feed my low self-esteem and feelings of self-loathing. It is the constant failure to realize my hopes that lead to frequent demoralizations and have contributed to such a great erosion of self-confidence in my psyche.
I feel compelled to make a move this week. I've decided to temper my destructive desires to move immediately by forcing myself to wait. She's off work Monday and gets out late on Tuesday. I can attempt a texting conversation. If that succeeds, perhaps by Thursday (when she's off again) I can go for it. If the day off texting fails...I don't wanna think about that yet.
Either way, the cage I felt I had escaped from just over a month ago I may soon find myself locked in again. I already feel the weights gaining mass about my neck, pressuring me to hold my head down. My good spirits may soon be expired returning me to the familiar and comfortable dark valleys of my mind. Too bad life isn't like TV...I could really use a last minute save right about now.
ADDENDUM: Shortly after posting this entry I got a call from Bronx and shortly thereafter that, a call from the Mystic. I like talking to Bronx a lot. She's got a voice you definitely have to hear as she has this combination of peppiness, curiosity, and (I mean this positively...if you know the right word, I'll change it) naïveté that always can put me in good spirits...and she did. The Mystic wasn't feeling too good about herself. I wished I could've helped her feel better as she was able to do for me simply by causing me to drop my bullshit for a little while. Nothing like the urgency from a friend in need to get me to set aside my petty troubles. I have to say, I'm actually very happy for the friends I have now. Too bad you're all so scattered. Best Friend, Mystic, Vegan, Bronx, and the others whose aliases I haven't yet conjured...I love you all. Let's end this on a hokey note, shall we?
5 comments:
Since I've known "real" names, and don't know the corresponding "code" names, I'm not positive who you're talking about, but I will tell you that you should make a move before you regret NOT doing so. Being told "no" hurts, but it's closure. Not having closure is sometimes the worst thing ever (I'm pretty sure you can relate to that...) A piece of advice BEFORE you "make your move:" get the negativity out of your mind. Even if it's just a pep talk right before sending that text or asking that question. Get positive...ie: it'll be so awesome to have dinner with her, and I'll treat her so well, it'll be absolutely wonderful. (though more in your words/style...) Good Luck! *HUGS*
The Mystic has suggested that to me as well, suggesting that I create positive visualizations (a difficult task for someone who cannot "see" things in his imagination!). My mind chose to do so through photographs. I see her and me and fairly mundane situations like on a couch together at what appears to be a Christmas party with family. I'm looking at her smiling listening to what's she's been saying. She's looking awkwardly at the camera holding a drink (of what I don't know). Stuff like that, all of which (to me at least) suggests something long term as we are clearly comfortable with each other. :-)
I guess I have an unpopular opinion (big surprise), but here's my 2 cents:
Being told no hurts worse than not having closure.
...So, how did it go? Did you make a move? (Feel free to answer this in email rather than comment.)
In a holding pattern. I'm waiting for her car to get fixed. I can't really ask her out for coffee after work when her brother's picking her up to take her home.
...I wasn't saying don't go for it, by the way. Pain builds character. =P
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